Mothers not coming to my Wedding because she's won a comp..

[CheekyBambi]

Hi I will try to keep this as straight forward as possible!
Me and DM always had up and down relationship.She walked out on me when I was young to have an affair.Made me homeless in my later teenage years.She's been very selfish.
Move forward some years I've had 2 small ds's and df and house etc.
We've built bridges and she's brilliant with my LO's(although we live 200 miles away from eachother).
When she sees them she's the perfect hands-on Nanny.Couldn't fault her in that aspect.
Anyway I'm getting married very soon.Very very small day.My mother and father can't stand to be in the same room and he said he'd rather not be involved in my wedding.Thinks marriages means nothing and he would rather die than give a speech etc!
Anyway because of complicated families and not to mention cost of Weddings we've decided to have just us and our DC.
My DM was upset and asked to be involved.I actually wanted my DM to be there as it felt it was important.I started planning hair and photographers etc.
I asked if she was certain she wanted her hair done by a stylist who will visit our hotel on the day and she said yes.She saw the hundreds of images of the hair designs that I sent her and she knew how much it cost.I've paid for it now.
I also showed her images of the photographers work.We were going to have 'mother daughter' pictures etc.
I also have a lovely War Veteran who after waiting quite a while got back to me and said he'd be delighted to be a witness and has kept this day in his diary for us.
The official documents have come through saying our time and date confirmation etc.
DM has since won a competition with a magazine.She had to nominate a special person.She chose her niece.(Not surprised as I bought her a pampering day for 2 and told her it was for us but she took said niece-couldn't really moan it was a gift for her after all)
The comp is same day as Wedding.She wanted me to change my day nearly a month later(she has a holiday booked after comp).
The comp involves her getting her hair and make up done going to an beauty awards show and being photographed for a double spread in a magazine.All expenses paid.
She rang my registry office and tried to find out what other days were free.She found out the next day was free(which she could make)but it costs 5 times the amount of our registry office.Not to mention changing the witnesses,photographers,hair stylists,df's day off etc.
Yesterday she said she knew nothing about hair stylists being paid for and pretending she knew nothing about photographers!(Selective memory)
My birthday is 2 days after my booked date and me and df thought it would be good in the future to have two good dates close together so we could go celebrate for two reasons(say long weekend etc).
He also said on principle why should we change our wedding day just because of my mother.
Me and DM had a horrible fall out y'day.She thinks I'm in the wrong and I could change my day whereas she can't change the date of her competition.
Both me and df understand she's caught between a rock and a hard place.
So sorry for the rambling!Just wanted to see what you would do??
Shall I change my day or have my DM not involved?
Thankyou so much for reading

your mamma needs to be shown the pimp arm. bit blunt i know but still. you're getting married congratulations by the way. I'll dress up in drag and act like your mamma, but i don't think it'd be the same

You sound so so tolerant in your OP, bless you. YANBU, by the way.

I hope her magazine comp day thing is rubbish and is the equivalent of going to a timeshare meeting where all they do is try to sell her stuff [rages on your behalf]

"Things can be put right.
But will leave that decision with you."

This translates as: "You made me look bad, so I'm going to make you feel guilty." Correct answer to this is actually: "You made yourself look bad so why don't YOU feel guilty?"

Pleased to see that you have picked up on something in your own favour: that you have held back on slagging her off to family and people who know her. You need to think like that a lot more, not keep thinking to her advantage!

Thankyou for your replies.I only ever came on here because it's anon and I wouldn't hurt her.In the end when she was still nasty I sent her this thread.I thought she might finally wake up but she hasn't.I'm sad.Don't know what else to say.Shes offering contact with not me at all but my children her grandchilden.Don't know what to do.Don't like her but don't want to use mt dc as 'weapons'.Have to travel far and stay in hotels for her to see dc.It's horrible.
Thankyou so much for reading.
If you're reading mum-No I'm not ashamed for writing this even though you're let down and very disappointed.I haven't revealed our names etc.I'm writing the truth-you know I am.It shouldn't have come to this.

CB that letter from her sounds, to me, very contrite...I don't see where she's saying she's cutting you off!

Well her words are just that words. They mean nothing. Her actions will show you if she really means what she says. Don't hold your breath though.....

To be honest I think she is never going to wake up

There is no reason for her not to see your children if she is as great a grandmother as you think.

If your mother wants to see your children she is more than capable of travelling and staying in a hotel.

Why should you travel all that distance and pay for yours and your DCs travel, food and accommodation (plus all the problems that come with children and travel) when it would be much much easier for her as one person to do it? And then take yourself off so she can be alone with them. Why would you do that?

If you do not trust her to take your children out for the day then she will have to see them with you, she cannot see them alone.

If you give in and agree to her new demands it just shows how hard she has to push next time to make you do what she wants.......

Curry-yes I know she sounds that but why say it afterwards afterall this?Can't understand.She always said when I have dc of my own I'll understand.She's walked out on me as a little child I don't understand it.Never will.She's comfortable off btw not suffering.Just wish she loved me.Always been nasty.

The letter does sound contrite but it still doesn't say that she's giving up the competition prize to go to the wedding does it? The way I read it is that she still wants CB to move the date of the wedding to fix it all so she's still not got it. If she was truely sorry then she'd be writing that she'd been in contact with the magazine and her DN's and cancelled it all to be at the wedding.

CB, I remember this thread when you first posted it and was horrified that anyone could be so self-centred about their daughter's big day. I can't believe that even after reading the thread she still doesn't understand what she's done wrong. Time to cut your losses, concentrate on your future with your DC's and your new DH, they're the important people in your life now.

'Shes offering contact with not me at all but my children her grandchilden.Don't know what to do.Don't like her but don't want to use mt dc as 'weapons'.Have to travel far and stay in hotels for her to see dc.It's horrible.
Thankyou so much for reading.'

Please, please, do not allow this toxic narcissist to have a place in the lives of your children.

You need to work towards getting her out of your lives entirely, because she doesn't love you, she loves herself.

Oh, and person who gave birth to Cheeky Bambi, because let's face it, you're not a mother, if you're reading this, it's probably a waste of my time seeing as it's so obvious you're a disgustingly selfish narcissist, but you should think black burning shame of yourself. CheekyBambi is far far more tolerant of your horrible behaviour than she should be.

Wow. Don't really know what to add except yanbu.
I can't get over the fact that she took her neice on the pampering trip which you paid for!
I cannot imagine thinking "What will it be my dd's wedding or do I go on holiday that day". Can't she give the holiday to someone else?
Whatever happens enjoy your special day and make sure you, dp and dc are happy x

So OP tell us about your big day.....no treats for your M, just you. You'll need as much money as you can to make your day special.

OP's M. You need to have a look at narcissistic personality disorder and have a long hard look in the mirror. Trying to make your dd grateful for your attending her wedding is shameful, it should be where you would ant to be. Creating a storm and a tantrum by willfully rejecting your dd time and time again is weird....what do you want from her or to do to her? If you decide to go, and if you were my mother you wouldn't have been invited, you must go knowing that this is not your day, noone has to thank you for going. You put your dd at the centre and do not accept any gratitude for going......practice this 'DArling you look beautiful, this is your day and I'm very happy for you.'

CheekyBambini, I remember this thread from last month. What struck me then, and strikes me again now, is how nice you sound. Even though your mother is behaving in a breathtakingly unmotherly way (I cannot think of ANY mother I have ever known who would choose a magazine prize of a day out over her daughter's wedding), you have tried to make excuses for her and have tried to build bridges that she has refused to walk across.

Your mother should be ashamed of herself.

I hope you, your DH to be, your DC and everyone who attends your wedding have a truly lovely time. I'll be thinking of you on September 8th and raising a glass to you. Have fab fun!

cant the pair of you just meet up for a long and honest talk about how you both feel

no accusations, no bitterness, just honesty

and then see where it goes from there

i cant see that holding a grudge will make either of you happy in your hearts

"Don't like her but don't want to use my dc as 'weapons'."

CheekyBambi, don't take this the wrong way but I really feel the need to slap you over this! You don't seem able to see that just as she has harmed you, she will harm your DC. Yes she's playing nice with them just now, but only because it suits her for now. As soon as they're old enough to express independence, or start to realise just what she is, she'll start mindfucking them. Please keep her out of their lives. This is most assuredly not you using them as weapons, it is you defending them. That you can still countenance this woman being around them is an indication of just how badly she affects your confidence in your own judgement.

'cant the pair of you just meet up for a long and honest talk about how you both feel

no accusations, no bitterness, just honesty

and then see where it goes from there

i cant see that holding a grudge will make either of you happy in your hearts'

People who are narcissists, like this so-called mother, can't have long and honest talks because they only see things one way: their own. Everyone else is wrong and they'll do whatever they can to manipulate others.

Therefore, the only way to deal with people like this is to deprive them of the opportunity to create drama and be the centre of attention, either by cutting them out of your life entirely or bouncing all their narc machinations off them so they twig you're not a source of drama or manipulation for them anymore.

I don't see the OP as bitter, accusatory or holding a grudge at all, she strikes me as the child of a narc parent.

I thought CheekyBambi had already told her mother honestly what she felt and thought... and has still got to this point.

Accusations are pretty inevitable and, I would argue, necessary.

Good point about the children, WhereYouLeftIt.

OP, your children are young, and will forget about her in time. It sounds like they will be better off without her in their lives.

I would see if she shows up for the wedding. If she does, I would then consider attending counseling together with her. If she will acknowledge that she has hurt and scarred you as a child, and will try and rectify that, with counseling, she would be putting her money where her mouth is.
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
Best of luck with this. Have a lovely wedding.

OP you sound lovely. Your mum, I'm sorry to say, sounds toxic and if I were you I wouldn't want someone like her anywhere near my children.

Whatever happens I hope you have a fantastic wedding day.

PS. I only suggest the counseling because I feel your hurt through your words, and your "wish that she loved me" was very telling. :( You would be better off without this person in your families life.

You need counseling even without her, to learn that you did NOTHING wrong. She left because she cared more about herself than you or your father.
You sound like a really lovely person OP.

Imogengladdheart-thankyou for that!Sorry you have a narc mother(never even knew of the term narc mother untill I came on mn!).

Lol whereyouleft it!I read about people who dont have good relationships with their parents should either have no contact or low contact.
Didn't know what to do.But you're right.It's very sad though.

Lachesis-you hit the nail the head and deep down in my heart I know she will never change.But I go round in circles because I want her to.She doesn't get it.I know she loved me as a baby-she took me everywhere and kept a diary about me in my first year.She loves babies.Then growing up she changed.I asked why she never ever hugged me and she says I was un-huggable child.She told me she found it hard to be a mother to me and to love me as she didn't have a 'normal' childhood.
Her own mother doesn't seem keen on girls.My mum wasn't allowed to tell her mother about starting her periods.It was dirty.
And when I asked her why she 1)walked out on me for another man when I was 15 and my brother 10(who she later came back to take said brother to live with her after the guy left her) she says'for once I was putting myself first and she couldn't afford to take me.'
2)Why she then chose another man over me.Made me homeless.I had to go to london.She knew and never asked me to stay with her.Even though she had very comfortable life and big house spare rooms etc.
Her DH doesn't like me being there.He would lie on the sofa so I couldn't sit down and when I was pregnant I got the train from london to where they live(200 miles away)to do her eyelashes.He told my mother to tell me he's picking me up from the station but didn't left me standing for couple of hours.I would have just got a cab but when I told my mother that she said that I should wait as her OH would turn up after I got in the cab iyswim!
He never turned up ignored his phone!Later apologised with a big grin on his face!I was made so un-welcomed I called my OH and he said he was coming to pick me up.My mother saw me crying and made him apologise to me for being rude!Only after I said I'm sick of being treated like this and I was going home.Anyway that was the last time I went there.Never got invited to stay again and never want to go again!
Anyway she thinks women should put their men first.One day the kids will go but your relationship should last forever etc.I understand why she said it but know I've had dc I find her hard to relate to.

Megatron-thankyou

Sorry for the essay.I should write in a diary.At least get this post moved to realtionships.

'Then growing up she changed.I asked why she never ever hugged me and she says I was un-huggable child.She told me she found it hard to be a mother to me and to love me as she didn't have a 'normal' childhood.'

When you're an adult and not a narc one, you learn that even though you may feel certain things about your children, you never ever tell them because it is hurtful, uneceesary and not their fault. You learn that if you have problems from your childhood, you go and get professional help to sort those out rather than visit them on your own children or use your childhood as an excuse to opt out of properly parenting your children and doing the best you can by them.

I agree that counselling is a great idea because this person is toxic and didn't care to take any steps to be a decent parent, which extends beyond babyhood. You need to learn to come to terms with this and strategies for dealing with it.

But for now, if you can, please please go ahead with your wedding as planned and just don't contact her at all. You don't deserve the stress and kerfuffle on such an important day for you and your family because really, she's shown you over and over again that she doesn't care about you above herself, ever. :)

And, until you get counselling, keep your kids away from her at all costs, which shouldn't be hard as she lives far away. That is not using them as weapons, that is protecting them from someone who sees love as a tool to manipulate others.