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Original poster

Mothers not coming to my Wedding because she's won a comp..

200 replies

CheekyBambi · 13/07/2011 09:51

Hi I will try to keep this as straight forward as possible!
Me and DM always had up and down relationship.She walked out on me when I was young to have an affair.Made me homeless in my later teenage years.She's been very selfish.
Move forward some years I've had 2 small ds's and df and house etc.
We've built bridges and she's brilliant with my LO's(although we live 200 miles away from eachother).
When she sees them she's the perfect hands-on Nanny.Couldn't fault her in that aspect.
Anyway I'm getting married very soon.Very very small day.My mother and father can't stand to be in the same room and he said he'd rather not be involved in my wedding.Thinks marriages means nothing and he would rather die than give a speech etc!
Anyway because of complicated families and not to mention cost of Weddings we've decided to have just us and our DC.
My DM was upset and asked to be involved.I actually wanted my DM to be there as it felt it was important.I started planning hair and photographers etc.
I asked if she was certain she wanted her hair done by a stylist who will visit our hotel on the day and she said yes.She saw the hundreds of images of the hair designs that I sent her and she knew how much it cost.I've paid for it now.
I also showed her images of the photographers work.We were going to have 'mother daughter' pictures etc.
I also have a lovely War Veteran who after waiting quite a while got back to me and said he'd be delighted to be a witness and has kept this day in his diary for us.
The official documents have come through saying our time and date confirmation etc.
DM has since won a competition with a magazine.She had to nominate a special person.She chose her niece.(Not surprised as I bought her a pampering day for 2 and told her it was for us but she took said niece-couldn't really moan it was a gift for her after all)
The comp is same day as Wedding.She wanted me to change my day nearly a month later(she has a holiday booked after comp).
The comp involves her getting her hair and make up done going to an beauty awards show and being photographed for a double spread in a magazine.All expenses paid.
She rang my registry office and tried to find out what other days were free.She found out the next day was free(which she could make)but it costs 5 times the amount of our registry office.Not to mention changing the witnesses,photographers,hair stylists,df's day off etc.
Yesterday she said she knew nothing about hair stylists being paid for and pretending she knew nothing about photographers!(Selective memory)
My birthday is 2 days after my booked date and me and df thought it would be good in the future to have two good dates close together so we could go celebrate for two reasons(say long weekend etc).
He also said on principle why should we change our wedding day just because of my mother.
Me and DM had a horrible fall out y'day.She thinks I'm in the wrong and I could change my day whereas she can't change the date of her competition.
Both me and df understand she's caught between a rock and a hard place.
So sorry for the rambling!Just wanted to see what you would do??
Shall I change my day or have my DM not involved?
Thankyou so much for readingSmile

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 13/07/2011 19:08

She sounds dreadful and doesn't deserve the mother title.

A mother doesn't do shit like this.

springboksaplenty · 13/07/2011 19:34

I think you did the right thing - this is the straw that broke the camels back. Moms' don't do this - they make sacrifices for their children, gladly, for a special day such as your wedding day. Especially given that she has failed you repeatedly in the past.

Enjoy your wedding day surrounded by your proper family and those that love you :)

Xales · 13/07/2011 19:54

Anyway because of complicated families and not to mention cost of Weddings we've decided to have just us and our DC.

Well it may have cost you a little more but you can have exactly what you wanted initially.

Your DH2B is correct. You shouldn't change the date. You have a lovely person to come and be a witness. Have photos with him and your family. Do you have a DD who would like her hair specially done to use the one you booked for your mother? Or if more than one DD pay a little extra and treat them both (-:

Never rely on or expect anything from this woman and you won't be dissapointed.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/07/2011 19:59

O. M. G. Shock

I feel quite cross on your behalf.

Have the wedding with your dad instead.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/07/2011 20:00

It shocked me so much it brought on a mini asthma attack Hmm.

baldbyfifty · 13/07/2011 20:14

Bless you sadly it appears your mother has always been incredibly selfish and put herself first it seems this is just business as usual. My advice to you would be to cut your loses and concentrate on having a wonderful day as long as you and your chap are there it will be a day to remember. Good luck xx

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 13/07/2011 20:26

Good grief. I think your mother has been really badly behaved. You know - your outlining of the situation actually is very well-balanced. You haven't berated her, on the contrary, you have put her in a good light when you can.

So why don't you print this out and show it to her. Let her see what others think of her behaviour.

I hope she will fuck off to her holiday and let you all have the family-oriented day that you wish to have. She doesn't really deserve to be part of it. I wouldn't be sore and pissy about it, in your shoes. I'd just be blunt - 'you knew this was happening, you have chosen to do other things. Fine'

She doesn't deserve you for a daughter.

FaeryFlu · 13/07/2011 20:30

Deffinitely don't save her any wedding cake either.

How selfish and mean of her.

2rebecca · 13/07/2011 20:54

She is behaving abysmally and you know it. I presume she entered the competition before your wedding date was known, even so if I had done that as soon as I realised it clashed with the wedding of one of my kids I would have withdrawn from the competition.
The prize doesn't sound that great to me (but then I'm unfashoinable with low maintainance hair). She sounds superficial and silly, which is sad as she's your mother, but I wouldn't change the date for her and would be pissed off with her for having such stupid priorities.

zipzap · 13/07/2011 22:33

If she is happy to ring the registry office (Shock) then you should have no compunction about ringing the magazine regarding the competition and seeing if they will change the date for you as others have said.

That is - assuming that after all this - you still want your mum at your wedding...

You never know if you speak to the mag personally and they realise what is happening (drop MN into the conversation too) they may offer to do a makeover for you for the wedding or something nice... it's an easy page filler for them with a ready made story and if they tend to do makeovers for each issue anyway then it will be a twist on their normal 'competition winner' or 'nominated special person' or 'from our reader panel' participant!

CurrySpice · 13/07/2011 22:40

Christonabike - that's juts awful OP :( I really feel for you and YADNBU :(

Yeah you should have ignored her because that wold have driven her mad Wink but I don't blame you for saying what you did :(

Anyway, very many congratulations on your wedding. I hope you have a lovely day and wish you a long and happy married life together :o

randommoment · 13/07/2011 22:47

Does your war veteran witness have a special lady friend he would like to bring? I mean that in the proper sense of friend, not as a euphemism for girlfriend - although that would be cool too - or maybe a sister? Or is there an older friend of your own who would enjoy the day and contribute to it a bit more than your rather shallow sounding birth mother?

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 14/07/2011 19:23

Oh FFS, OP. She's just keeping you dangling, isn't she? ISN'T she?? How fucking KIND of her to offer to look after your sons on the wedding night. So that's the sweetener... whilst not offering to cancel the freebie.

She is just doing the bare minimum to make you think 'oh, I shouldn't have done x,y or z' (which you patently have done, by saying you wish you hadn't texted...) and then pulls the strings.

You are a GROWN WOMAN. You NO LONGER need the approbation of your parents. Sure, it's nice to have it. But you know what, you'll be alright without it as well.

Come on - ALL of us can't be wrong, here!! She's dreadfully manipulative and you must MUST not let her keep you hanging on. Go ahead without her and don't let her undermine your decisions.

Much love and hang in there. You'll have a lovely wedding!!! WITHOUT HER!!

(Excuse wanton over-use of capitals, but grrrr at your mother!!!)

Original poster
CheekyBambi · 14/07/2011 20:11

Lostmyidentity-thankyou for the replies.They mean so much.Everyones replies has helped me.
She has stopped talking to me.She thinks I'm selfish and will never never speak to me unless I call her and grovel.
I've tried to cancel the hair stylists today for her(hoping I can get something back as she won't be there!I said my mother has an emergency and sadly can't be there)
If I can't then I will try to do what other posters have helpfully said and ge a friend of the witness to spend a pampering/photo session with me!
Answering about why we have a War veteran-he's a Chelsea Pensioner(getting married around that way even though we don't live anywhere near there!)and he would love to be involved in our day and he asked to bring a friend.
Thankyou again to everyone.
Lostmyidentity-I think I'm going to print and send this to her.I want her to see what most/all mothers act like/think.
Thankyou for wishing me a happy day.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 14/07/2011 20:52

Well, you are not losing anything if she never speaks to you again, on that basis. In fact you are having a lucky escape. Have a wonderful day with your new DH and your DC and the people who really love you.

2rebecca · 14/07/2011 22:13

I think you shouldn't be speaking to her unless she grovels so a break from her is a good thing. She should have most to lose here. She does sound very short sighted and superficial.

takethisonehereforastart · 14/07/2011 22:29

My wedding was held in a hotel on a Sunday. It costs a lot more to book a registrar for a Sunday, so I can understand why changing the day might make the whole thing cost a lot more.

We got married very quickly too, less than four months from getting engaged to getting married. And it was only eight months from our first meeting to our wedding.

So we had to send the invites out very quickly to make sure people had as much notice as possible.

And when MIL saw the date on the invites she rang everyone on DH's side of the family to tell them we had made a mistake and that we obviously meant to write the day before on them because "nobody gets married on a Sunday." While she was at it she also told them I was pregnant and that's why it was a shotgun wedding at short notice (I wasn't, cheeky cow, just because she had a shotgun wedding.)

It was a massive mess trying to contact everyone when we found out, because of course we were the last people she rang to tell about the 'mistake' with the date.

And her and PIL went to the hotel on the pretext that they were meeting us (they weren't, we didn't know they were going) to have a nose about and make a few demands requests on our behalf.

Don't change you day. It's your mums fault if she doesn't come and you will still have a lovely day. Does the war veteran have a wife who could come and have her hair done in your mums place and be a witness?

bbboo · 14/07/2011 22:37

Everyone who has posted is so right. When (if) your mother speaks to you about this, make her accept responsibilty for the decisions that SHE made. So ask her to use the word 'I' in every sentence. Thus :- "I decided to enetr a competition", "I decided to go to that instead of my daughters very special day" etc This is not your fault or your problem, it is all entirely her doing. Do not be emotionally blackmailed by her. Learn to accept her for what she is and do not expect her to be there for you when you need her. You decide how much you can trust her. Don't feel guilty - you have done lots to make her feel good about herself/her life - this was her opportunity to do that for you, and she has blown it. Keep to your plans, enjoy the day and have a happy marriage!

MerryMarigold · 14/07/2011 22:42

Sadly, I agree with the poster who said you need to accept your mother for who she is and not who you'd like her to be. That rang true. The mother-daughter bond is very strong, and I know you yearn for her to be a proper mother. But it seems she is incapable of it (for whatever reasons), and she can still cause deep hurt because you so much want her to be one. Probably taking her niece is a way of avoiding the guilt of all the hurt she's caused you through her life. It must be hard to really forgive herself, and be close to you, so I'm not surprised she pushes you away a bit. Please accept that she can probably manage to be a good granny to your kids, but she can't manage to be a good mother to you (still).

Nagini · 15/07/2011 09:17

OP I am glad that you have stuck up for yourself, and told your mother what the rest of us have been thinking Grin

Best best best wishes for your wedding day and please give us an update on how it went :)

MissMississippi · 15/07/2011 09:58

Don't change your wedding day (unless you'd be upset she wasn't there).

My Dad and brother tried to force me to change my wedding day. Brother offered to pay the difference of changing the day. Then when I didn't budge he hurled abuse at me (nice!). Friends advised me to change as I might be upset without them there. DH said no way were we changing it as it was booked. It all went ahead on the day we planned, and they attended.

If she chooses her niece over you, and you have had your ups and downs, and you were planning on just DF and DCs, I would do it without her. Explain to her how much you want her there, but that it is all booked.

Original poster
CheekyBambi · 15/07/2011 10:22

MissMississippi-I will be upset that she won't be there.I considered changing it.She sent me a txt over a week ago saying that if I couldn't possibly change it then she would tell the magazine that she was going to attend still and last minute call in sick(so her niece wouldn't miss out-also two other nieces will be involved so she wouldn't be alone anyway iyswim).She said she wouldn't miss my day for anything a I'm her daughter.
I thought that was that.
Th next couple of days she called and acted very fake.Very OTT.Almost sly like.No mention of my wedding or her prize.
Meanwhile her husband sent a message to my OH that he needed a chat.My OH thought it must be something serious because he isn't the 'chatty type'.
My dm had made her husband call my OH to talk him round changing our dates.He was asking if we could do nearly a month later as she has a holiday booked.
My OH told him 'We would love DM to be involved.We don't to change the date.Far too complicatedToo many peole involved/arrangements.Things paid for.Official documents have come through stating that day is our day.If she can't make it then that's fine we'll find someone else'.
My mother then called me instantly saying that he husband would be our witness instead of her.She said she would try to see in the morning andmaybe evening.Although she would miss the 'hair part' 'the hotel part' oh and 'the wedding part'.
I never want to see her ever again.
Thankyou again for your replies!

OP posts:
Pseudo341 · 15/07/2011 10:50

This woman is poisonous, no wonder your Dad's so jaded about marriage. I'd be less worried about her upsetting your kids in the future than I would be about trying to turn them against you, the lovely granny act sounds way too manipulative to me. Get rid of her now before she does any more damage.

Hope you have a lovely wedding day surrounded by the people you love and who love you back.

caramelwaffle · 15/07/2011 10:56

CheekyBambini - to show you how Wonderful a small wedding can be, read the wedding thread (Mumsnet Classics) when the "robinos" got married.

Still one of the best things on Mumsnet in my opinion.

Fab pictures as well.

Congratulations on your Day.

lachesis · 15/07/2011 11:07

Cut her out of your life and that of your childrens' because Psuedo is right: she will turn your children against you and use them to manipulate you.

She seems more concerned about these nieces than you.

So let her.

Tell her to go away and leave you alone forever.

She's not a mother, she's a parasite.