Mothers not coming to my Wedding because she's won a comp..

[CheekyBambi]

Hi I will try to keep this as straight forward as possible!
Me and DM always had up and down relationship.She walked out on me when I was young to have an affair.Made me homeless in my later teenage years.She's been very selfish.
Move forward some years I've had 2 small ds's and df and house etc.
We've built bridges and she's brilliant with my LO's(although we live 200 miles away from eachother).
When she sees them she's the perfect hands-on Nanny.Couldn't fault her in that aspect.
Anyway I'm getting married very soon.Very very small day.My mother and father can't stand to be in the same room and he said he'd rather not be involved in my wedding.Thinks marriages means nothing and he would rather die than give a speech etc!
Anyway because of complicated families and not to mention cost of Weddings we've decided to have just us and our DC.
My DM was upset and asked to be involved.I actually wanted my DM to be there as it felt it was important.I started planning hair and photographers etc.
I asked if she was certain she wanted her hair done by a stylist who will visit our hotel on the day and she said yes.She saw the hundreds of images of the hair designs that I sent her and she knew how much it cost.I've paid for it now.
I also showed her images of the photographers work.We were going to have 'mother daughter' pictures etc.
I also have a lovely War Veteran who after waiting quite a while got back to me and said he'd be delighted to be a witness and has kept this day in his diary for us.
The official documents have come through saying our time and date confirmation etc.
DM has since won a competition with a magazine.She had to nominate a special person.She chose her niece.(Not surprised as I bought her a pampering day for 2 and told her it was for us but she took said niece-couldn't really moan it was a gift for her after all)
The comp is same day as Wedding.She wanted me to change my day nearly a month later(she has a holiday booked after comp).
The comp involves her getting her hair and make up done going to an beauty awards show and being photographed for a double spread in a magazine.All expenses paid.
She rang my registry office and tried to find out what other days were free.She found out the next day was free(which she could make)but it costs 5 times the amount of our registry office.Not to mention changing the witnesses,photographers,hair stylists,df's day off etc.
Yesterday she said she knew nothing about hair stylists being paid for and pretending she knew nothing about photographers!(Selective memory)
My birthday is 2 days after my booked date and me and df thought it would be good in the future to have two good dates close together so we could go celebrate for two reasons(say long weekend etc).
He also said on principle why should we change our wedding day just because of my mother.
Me and DM had a horrible fall out y'day.She thinks I'm in the wrong and I could change my day whereas she can't change the date of her competition.
Both me and df understand she's caught between a rock and a hard place.
So sorry for the rambling!Just wanted to see what you would do??
Shall I change my day or have my DM not involved?
Thankyou so much for reading

Take control of the situation back. Tell her that you will make this easier for her, you are going to go back to just you, DP and the DCs with non-family witnesses. Make it about your family unit, the people who you love so much it makes your heart ache and the people who you know love you too.

And congratulations!

Caramel-In the middle of reading the 'robinos' thread right now.Thankyou for sharing that.That is fantastic!So lovely.I've just sent it to OH.

My mother threatened to kill herself if I didn't invite her to my wedding.

CheekyBambi - I really hope you can enjoy your day.

After she left the family home when I was 15 for another man I wrote about it(aswell as lots of other things)on a sheet of paper to clear my head.She found it and said I was horrible and to apologise.I did!I came away thinking I was nasty for writing about my mother in this way.
I told her y'day morning(text)that she's to have nothing more to do with me and my family.All day I was thinking that I'm using my children as a weapon.Don't know if I should let her see my children but not me.
She's meant to be having my youngest ds (1year old)for several days soon.
She hasn't made any attempts to call/write/email etc.I don't want her to btw but I know she thinks I'm the horrible one.
When we argued the other she was saying that is putting me first and that I was being silly.I asked how choosing her prize over her daughters wedding was putting me first.She never answers direct questions.
I told her she didn't have a heart.She almost shouted at me 'Yes I do!I have a heart!A very big heart!'.
Thanks for taking the time read all of this!

Thankyou for wishing us a happy day.
Will post pictures on my profile

"I never want to see her ever again."
Hold than thought, OP. It is your best defence against her.

All day I was thinking that I'm using my children as a weapon

As things stand at the moment, looking at her history, do you trust her to prioritise a child's needs over her own wants ?

If the answer to that is no, then you are not using your kids as a weapon or a bargaining chip. You are protecting them.

You are not using your children as a weapon-you need to protect them-and yourself-from her.

just seen this thread. It is so close to what happened with my wedding last month that it's making me itch. If I can bear to tell the story without steam coming out of my ears I'll come back later. It's taught me a lot about my family, I can tell ya

What diddl said.

Oh, we made the mistake of asking SIL to move her 40th b'day weekend one week back so we could have our wedding on the one weekend the overseas family members could fly over. We paid all associated expenses. Her friends didn't mind-all made it.

She never got over it (blew up over the seating plan, heckled his speech, blew up because we didn't lay on a taxi to get her home, and on and on), and it was the beginning of a long, miserable end for her relationship with DH. Apparently, 40th birthday parties are far far more important than weddings, whcih are, like, mundane.

With people so fundamentally selfish there is always a clash or a betrayal waiting to happen. It's no kind of relationship and no way to live. When they flounce off, let them.

'All day I was thinking that I'm using my children as a weapon.Don't know if I should let her see my children but not me.'

No. You need to get them away from a narcissistic parasite who manipulates people to suit her own needs.

DON'T let her back in your lives again.

It's not up to your mother to choose your witnesses for you! If she can't make it she sends her apologies and you sort out a replacement witness.
I think you are right to let her stew. I suspect she'll decide to turn up in the end though.

Simply to play Devil's Advocate (I have already expressed my sympathy and outrage in a PP) in a way, at least your mother tried to rearrange things so that she could be at your wedding day, albeit she tried to rearrange the wedding day rather than her daft competition. Which was a mistake on her part.

I'm more shocked by your Dad who just wants absolutely nothing to do with it whatsoever and doesn't have anything else on that day (that I know of from reading the posts).

I'm not standing up for her because what she has done is still wrong, but I would rather a parent made a clumsy and rather selfish effort to be there, than just dismissed it as pointless and a waste of time.

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely day and that the sun shines for you!

Ditto what everyone else has said. I really feel for you but WELL DONE for standing up to her.

Hold your ground. Please don't let her "suggest" (ie dictate) anything - how dare she try to tell you who should be the witness at your wedding? The situation was completely avoidable and she has made her priorities very clear in a spectacularly offensive way.

Do follow Inertia's advice to contact all the suppliers and warn them about her. I hope it won't be necessary but given the situation it's definitely better to be safe than sorry.

Have a wonderful day and, if you do start to feel sad, just remind yourself that you're surrounded by the the people who really care about you. There's no need for anyone else.

Not quite the same, but my sister didn´t come to my wedding.

She should have been MOH, & bringing her daughter as a flowergirl.

She cancelled two days before.

I was devastated, as was my mum.
(they are abroad).

But at the end of the day, I was married, which was the point, & I was so busy I didn´t miss them.

(She chose to work instead)

Blimey diddl, that was awful! For work? Does somebody die if she's not there?

Unfortunately people had gone down with chickenpox.

I was really hurt at the time-but also for my mum who hadn´t seen her GD for 6months & was looking forward to it.

But as my husband said at the time-the important thing isn´t who´s there, but that we get married.

Pedigree-I see what you mean.That's why I posted on here.Wasn't sure if it was a black and white situation-that she was wrong and I'm right.
When she made her DH call my OH it seems she was desperate not to let us down and wanted to compromise(us change dates).She didn't want to lose her prize.(Even though she promised me that if it came to it she would let go of her prize and wouldn't miss her daughters wedding).
When she found out she won this competition I was on holiday in the Canaries.I noticed I had several missed calls on my mobile from her.I thought it was odd as I had told her that calling me would cost me crazy money on my pay as you go mobile.When she called again she was all stressed and voice shaking like a little girl.I thought someone must've died!
I told her to text me and she said she had won a comp 'for the 4 of us'(although find out later she means her and 3 nieces!)
She later called me in the hotel and said she didn't know what on earth she was going to do.
I asked her why she didn't involve me when she entered(I always nominate her if I enter anything).She said that she had to write who was special to her and send in pictures.She said that she had more chance of winning because her niece is a 'frumpy plain jane' whereas apparently I'm 'far too glam'!
I asked why the emergency phone calls(I was going home 3 days later-it could've waited)she said that she was absolutely desperate and so excited to call her niece with the fantastic and to make her day.
She told me that I would have to try and change because if if she couldn't go to this prize then I would 'break her nieces heart'.
Thankyou for the replies and sorry for the rambling!!

*fantastic news

Oh, FFS, CheekyBambi, this bitch is not worth your time or effort.

You'd think she won the lottery, which she'd probably tell you all about and then tell you she was sharing with her nieces.

It's a poxy magazine prize.

Cut her loose and stick to it. She's a narcissist.

Thankyou lachesis for reading and your replies.Because of you and other posters I have looked a great deal up on 'narcissistic mothers'.There are websites dedicated to mother/daughter relationships.
One particular website was interesting called 'daughters of narcissistic mothers'.It feels I've finally hit the nail on the head.

Diddl-that was a shame you were let down.I think you do find out peoples real colours when it comes to weddings.

Do a search on here, Cheeky. There are loads of threads started by children of narc parents. I have a mate whose mother is a narc and made her life hell. Thankfully, this mate had the strength to get rid of this toxic person in her life.

I will do lachesis-thankyou!
I think the only thing about choosing to have nothing to do with parents is that what if something terrible happened to them?Apart from that I'm happy to have very little to do with her.(Maybe let her have contact with LO's)

What if something terrible happens to you? She won't be there to support you. She'll make it all about herself.

You're not responsible for how she treated and treats you. All you can do is cut her loose and be responsible for yourself and how you treat others who love and cherish you.

She cares about herself first. She's shown that, over and over, and continues to do so. So don't feel guilty about not making that a part of your life.