Who should pay?

[klapaucius]

My boyfriend of 3 months has instigated us going on holiday to St Tropez this summer. He is not exactly "hard up" for cash - he pays almost 100k a year in rent for his London apartment. I haven't divulged my income with him but he would be foolish to think that it is in the same region as his. AIBU in that I expected him to be taking me away ie paying for the holiday or at least the flights? Bit of background - the first time he invited me on holiday to Zurich we were staying at his friend's house and he made it clear that I was expected to pay for the flights and also the taxi from the airport (even though he had a car there that he could and did drive). The second time we went away was fairly recently to his parent's house in Germany, again he made it clear that I was to purchase my own tickets. I did so and at the end of the holiday also bought his mother a 300 euro Hermes scarf and his father a bottle of Cristal to say thanks. I offer to pay for meals and he accepts immediately - and these are not cheap meals - the last time I went out with him and his brother he still spit the bills 3 ways which still came to about £50. It is not my choice to go to these restaurants; he chooses. I would say I pay for about half (or more) of the meals we have. The last time (again, he chose the restaurant) the bill came to about £50 and I paid even though I chose something on the menu that was £14 and he chose something that was £35. I offer to be polite, and he immediately accepts which I find to be quite rude, really. And now with the holiday coming, he has not only asked me to book the flights (telling me he will pay for his half in cash later), he has also informed me that the reason he cannot book is that he blocked his credit card due to online gambling. Oh, that's fine then. My previous partner paid for everything for me when it came to holidays and meals and would not let me pay even when I offered to. I would just like to know - AIBU? Have times changed and my boyfriend is a "new man" not wishing to offend or patronise me?

I wouldn't bother having a talk with him about his gambling. You've known each other three months -- that's too early to be "working through" problems together. As you say, it's the "wooing" stage.

I sympathize that it's nice for a gentleman to offer to pay but I kind of think that paying for trips like you've described when you've only known each other for 3 months sounds rushed. It is nice for a boyfriend (especially one who earns more money) to want to treat which this guy isn't doing -- but I don't think I would feel comfortable being treated to a really expensive holiday that I couldn't afford myself in such a new relationship. Just my view.

Have you seen this flat? Are you sure he isn't house-sitting?

"if you are able to spend 300 euro on a scarf ad a present then surely you can afford to pay your half of a holiday?"
Irrelevant. The point is that Op should be able to choose what to spend her money on, not feel coerced into spending more than she wants to on things that aren't particularly her choice. This rather sus character is calling all the shots at the moment.

I've been treated to an expensive holiday in my yoof, I think we'd been together a couple of months. However, the cost of the holiday was loose change to him, so I didn't have a problem with it. By my standards it was comparable to me taking him for a nice meal and a trip to the pictures. Which I did from time to time and he enjoyed it. Equality in finance isn't about the actual £'s in my opinion, it is more about what people can and want to afford. Also about nobody feeling forced to be dependant or forced to subsidise. It shouldn't really be an issue if you like/love and respect each other.

I've not read the whole thread but it seems obvious to me that this man is broke and/or heavily in debt.
His fancy apartment and apparent wealth could all be just a debt time bomb he's building.
He has no ready cash. All his 'wealth' is just smoke and mirrors I'm afraid.

I think only 3 months in it should still be 50/50, so if you want to go on holiday tell him that sounds great and you will book and pay for your own flight and pay half the accommodation etc.

He sounds a bit dodgy TBH, the gambling/credit cards etc.

After 3 months it should still be 'easy' if you are 'uneasy' then there is probably a good reason for that.

I would be a bit creeped out by a man paying my way after only 3 months. Would feel too much like being 'bought'.

I think you need to stop seeing him. What is a minor niggle now is going to build into a major resentment and he is unlikely to change, so get shot of him.

It is U of him to expect you to pay for him, in that he is splitting things evenly when his stuff is more costly than yours; but it is also unreasonable for you to expect him to pay for you.

However - if you wish to continue seeing him, then lay down ground rules. You have been too soft so far, so just tell him that you cannot afford his lifestyle and will not be able to go to the posh restaurants he wants to frequent as you cannot afford to continually pay out so much in meal costs. Ditto the holiday.

ah, forget it - just dump him - stinginess now is not a good sign or trait.

He's a tightwad who is probably in loads of debt- fuck him off. Where the hell does he live to pay that much rent?

Lots of good points here, if you're going to stay with this guy, you need to start refusing to go to places that cost more than you want to pay.

Is he German btw? If he is, he probably doesn't get that you offer to go halves "just to be polite". I have a good German friend, and she doesn't really get this concept. Well, after.living here a few years, she knows about it, but doesn't really understand - it seems very much a British thing.

Aside from all the money issues, the thing that jumps out of me is his not picking you up from the airport when you went to Zurich in spite of his having a car.

That would be for me a deal breaker.