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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should pay?

109 replies

klapaucius · 12/07/2011 19:08

My boyfriend of 3 months has instigated us going on holiday to St Tropez this summer. He is not exactly "hard up" for cash - he pays almost 100k a year in rent for his London apartment. I haven't divulged my income with him but he would be foolish to think that it is in the same region as his. AIBU in that I expected him to be taking me away ie paying for the holiday or at least the flights? Bit of background - the first time he invited me on holiday to Zurich we were staying at his friend's house and he made it clear that I was expected to pay for the flights and also the taxi from the airport (even though he had a car there that he could and did drive). The second time we went away was fairly recently to his parent's house in Germany, again he made it clear that I was to purchase my own tickets. I did so and at the end of the holiday also bought his mother a 300 euro Hermes scarf and his father a bottle of Cristal to say thanks. I offer to pay for meals and he accepts immediately - and these are not cheap meals - the last time I went out with him and his brother he still spit the bills 3 ways which still came to about £50. It is not my choice to go to these restaurants; he chooses. I would say I pay for about half (or more) of the meals we have. The last time (again, he chose the restaurant) the bill came to about £50 and I paid even though I chose something on the menu that was £14 and he chose something that was £35. I offer to be polite, and he immediately accepts which I find to be quite rude, really. And now with the holiday coming, he has not only asked me to book the flights (telling me he will pay for his half in cash later), he has also informed me that the reason he cannot book is that he blocked his credit card due to online gambling. Oh, that's fine then. My previous partner paid for everything for me when it came to holidays and meals and would not let me pay even when I offered to. I would just like to know - AIBU? Have times changed and my boyfriend is a "new man" not wishing to offend or patronise me?

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 13/07/2011 12:31

If you're buyi g things like a 300euro scarf for his mother then maybe he thinks you have more money than you do. I buy people flowers, a pot plant, wine from tesco when I go stay.

I do agree that you should pay your own way in a relationship which is still quite new. However he sounds tight. And very odd about his card being blocked.

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2011 12:36

I really don't like him, OP. Just get rid of him!

PlanetEarth · 13/07/2011 12:38

I'd think the money could be a deal breaker. I once had a rich boyfriend, and mostly he would pay for things (stayed in the Savoy once!). However, I don't generally like being paid for, and for him it tended to mean that he felt paying meant he had the right to choose what we did and where we went - sounds a bit like your boyfriend. He always wanted to eat out, and as I was on a low salary at the time, just paying for one meal a week say was very expensive for me. Yes, I sometimes instigated doing something cheaper together but it was usually accompanied by moaning from him .

iwanttoseethezoo · 13/07/2011 12:43

I would stop offering to pay for meals, and just say "here's the cash for my meal". He can buy his own £35 dinner! Also I would have to have a chat and say "Look, I can't afford the things you can, so if we are going out for a meal, or on holiday, we have to stick to a budget that I can afford". If he still wants to spend a lot then he'll have to subsidise your half.

He sounds a bit stingy to me, despite the salary!

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2011 13:18

Okay, she can modify the way she behaves with him, but does anyone really think he sounds like a nice guy?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 13:20

No, he doesn't.

Quenelle · 13/07/2011 13:33

It sounds like he can't afford his lifestyle to me. I also think you've been splashing out to impress him and his family (Hermes scarf and Cristal as thank you gifts ). It seems to be all about the money here, and then there's the gambling...

Quenelle · 13/07/2011 13:33

Driftwood999 · 13/07/2011 15:14

Just had a look at the updates, I agree with Lucyinthepie, forget the "dependant on a man" issue, it boils down to common sense and good manners/communication. It's really important to point out to the wealthier partner/friend/relative, that one cannont match their lifestyle. Then you know where you are.

clarinsgirl · 13/07/2011 15:27

YABU to expect to be paid for (as a number of posters have already said), you need to limit your activities to what you can afford. TBH that would be the least of my worries. It sounds to me like he is living a lifestyle he can't afford (gambling problem and perhaps exaggerating his circumstances). You need to talk to him (or dump him which I think a number of posters have also suggested).

Monty27 · 13/07/2011 15:30

Are you both trying to impress each other and living beyond your means?

Hermes scarfe and Cristal champagne

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 13/07/2011 15:31

He blocked his credit card? Don't think so.
Loser (him, that is).

razzlebathbone · 13/07/2011 15:33

YABU to expect to not pay for anything. It's also really strange to buy those kinds of presents for parents of a really new boyfriend (or anyone really) unless you are fucking loaded. No wonder he thinks money isn't an issue. Why would you do that?

Why all the holidays and meals out anyway? In three months? You both sound loaded or heavily in debt to me. Either way it's all a bit odd and doesn't bode well.

Original poster

klapaucius · 13/07/2011 16:48

LesserOfTwoWeevils yeah... I thought that was a bit suspect too, although I don't actually know whether he means he blocked it as in, he didn't arrange for it to be done but it happened as a result of his actions. Or if he did actually block it himself to stop himself gambling. Either way, sounds a bit odd.

razzlebathbone and Quenelle I know it might seem a bit much but they were so kind and I was staying at their house for about 10 days. They took me to lovely restaurants and cooked me lunch and dinner every night and didn't let me lift a finger even though I tried to help. I also became ill when I was there and the parents looked after me buying me all sorts of medicine and really went the extra mile.

noir that's so about your aunty. Very true words.

OP posts:

wordfactory · 13/07/2011 16:56

I have a cast iron rule of thumb that if I invite someone to something expensive then I am paying. Otherwise you are putting that person in a difficult situation.

WineAndPizza · 13/07/2011 16:59

What is all this 'I like to be treated like a lady' nonsense about? Which century are we living in? I earn more than my boyfriend, and I am more than happy to pay proportionately when we go away, on our rent, bills etc...he doesn't usually let me as he likes things to be 50/50. He is very generous when it comes to money and is always buying me inexpensive surprise treats but I do the same for him. In my opinion 'being treated like a lady' is being shown the respect I am due as an equal to him...having a lot of money spent on you and expecting that does not make you 'ladylike' in my book.

VioletV · 13/07/2011 17:35

It does sound like your Bf is treating this relationship more like a business than a relationship.. Seriously klapaucius Bin him.

roses2 · 13/07/2011 19:22

Tight tight tight
Run a mile as he won't change even if you marry him
Yanbu definitely not, however you need to also grow a pair and say NO

Lucyinthepie · 13/07/2011 19:56

Look 'ere! Op isn't expecting him to pay for everything. She doesn't want to be financially dependent on him either. She just mentioned that a previous boyfriend treated her, which was his choice and nothing to do with what's happening now.
She says that she pays for half - or more - of the meals they have together. She's querying whether she should always pay half for trips that he invites her on, and also whether she should then be asked to not only book but pay for the trips.

Op - if you can afford to pay half of this lifestyle then do it, but it sounds as if you can't. Therefore you need to talk to him and find some way of going forward that acknowledges that. I think it would be daft to expect that the two of you would always do things that you can afford half of, but if he wants to do things that are above your budget maybe he's going to need to give you the odd treat.
If you want to actually spend any time with him that is, because from your subsequent posts he seems like a right loser and a spoilt brat.

DuelingFanjo · 13/07/2011 19:59

if you are able to spend 300 euro on a scarf ad a present then surely you can afford to pay your half of a holiday?

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 20:04

I think he's a bullshitter. He's either lying about his income, is seriously mean with money (maybe because of his debts leaving him skint) and is a bit of a dreamer really to think he can live the champagne lifestyle with no money IUSWIM.
You should contribute something, that's only fair, but I dunno, he doesn't sound right to me love. Get rid. Or his debt may well become yours.
And don't let him convince you to sign anything!!!

islawhiter · 13/07/2011 20:16

Sounds like he is lying about income, also why would you block card for on-line gambling? Surely he would ban himself from gambling sites,which you can do. Also, go by your intuition, if you think his mean then he prob is, maybe his 'casing' you, trying to see exactly how much you will'shell' out to keep relationship going.

jugofwildflowers · 13/07/2011 20:22

YANBU!!!!! I would absolutely feign blocked credit card myself and poverty if a boyfriend had more expensive tastes than me! In fact, in my years of being wined and dined by top male models and rich businessmen not once did I ever offer to pay a penny nor did I ever sleep with them. As an extremely witty and beautiful woman if they wanted to take me out (and they did, regularly throughout my 20s) then they would fork out for everything.

Meanwhile I was stashing my own money away for the day I'd get married and start a family. When I met the man I wanted to marry we shared everything, all expenses, and all the money I'd saved went on a beautiful property for us both and our children.

OP if you can't hear the sirens, see the red lights flashing and read the warning signs plastered EVERYWHERE about this man then you deserve him!

MrMan · 13/07/2011 20:29

Suggestion: figure out a comfortable holiday budget for yourself and come up with a few options based on that. Talk to him and explain your reality, and your suggestions. He should either be willing to go with one of your ideas or cover you if he really wants the holiday of his choice. Any other response and you should DTMFA.

Sharney · 13/07/2011 20:35

I'd dump him. He sounds a bit of a meanie in the money department. Airline tickets, fair enough, you don't go if you can't afford it but restaurants. wtf? If you really don't want to dump him then you've got to start with the "mine was 14 pounds, here's a 20 for my meal and tip". He's definitely taking advantage.

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