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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay?

109 replies

klapaucius · 12/07/2011 19:08

My boyfriend of 3 months has instigated us going on holiday to St Tropez this summer. He is not exactly "hard up" for cash - he pays almost 100k a year in rent for his London apartment. I haven't divulged my income with him but he would be foolish to think that it is in the same region as his. AIBU in that I expected him to be taking me away ie paying for the holiday or at least the flights? Bit of background - the first time he invited me on holiday to Zurich we were staying at his friend's house and he made it clear that I was expected to pay for the flights and also the taxi from the airport (even though he had a car there that he could and did drive). The second time we went away was fairly recently to his parent's house in Germany, again he made it clear that I was to purchase my own tickets. I did so and at the end of the holiday also bought his mother a 300 euro Hermes scarf and his father a bottle of Cristal to say thanks. I offer to pay for meals and he accepts immediately - and these are not cheap meals - the last time I went out with him and his brother he still spit the bills 3 ways which still came to about £50. It is not my choice to go to these restaurants; he chooses. I would say I pay for about half (or more) of the meals we have. The last time (again, he chose the restaurant) the bill came to about £50 and I paid even though I chose something on the menu that was £14 and he chose something that was £35. I offer to be polite, and he immediately accepts which I find to be quite rude, really. And now with the holiday coming, he has not only asked me to book the flights (telling me he will pay for his half in cash later), he has also informed me that the reason he cannot book is that he blocked his credit card due to online gambling. Oh, that's fine then. My previous partner paid for everything for me when it came to holidays and meals and would not let me pay even when I offered to. I would just like to know - AIBU? Have times changed and my boyfriend is a "new man" not wishing to offend or patronise me?

OP posts:
pink4ever · 12/07/2011 20:38

Call me old fashioned but I dont think the op is bu. Her dp earns alot more money than her so why shouldnt he treat her? Also if he invited her to meet his parents then he should pay.
I have always expected the men I have dated to pay the majority of the time-I like to be treated like a lady.

WibblyBibble · 12/07/2011 20:41

Dude. Stop offering to pay when you can't afford to! Stop going to expensive restaurants/holidays with him when you can't afford to, unless he offers to pay beforehand. You are both being completely daft as far as I can see, though he's worse than you in that he clearly knows he's better off but is still using you to pay for his meals (the £14/£50 bill, he's just taking the piss there, really!)

VioletV · 12/07/2011 21:12

OP this bloke sounds exactly like my ex...Alarm bells rang with me too and my previous ex used to pay for stuff. This one used to loan me money and expect me to pay it back even though he earned 5x more than me and he NEVER offered to pay for anything. I used to bring it up about how he never seems to spend money but is always happy to take from others and he used to get the right arse.

RUN FOR THE HILLS tight fisted people really grate on me!

mayorquimby · 12/07/2011 21:17

"I would be put off a man like this, even though logically I think it's fair that you pay your own way. I can't stand stinginess."

And I'd run for the hills from any woman who was only with me for my cash.

Original poster
klapaucius · 12/07/2011 22:06

Oops, only just saw the duplicate thread.

wompoopigeon YES!!! That's the one! Sounds exactly like him. Agree with you on the champagne lifestyle bit, too. Good to get feedback from someone who has had very similar experience of my situation.

Pagwatch I really don't know why we haven't and I'm not that comfortable with that, really. I wish he was like the way you are with your sister.

bluecool thanks a lot for your input - it seems to be the norm in mine as well. Really didn't think it was out of the ordinary like some posters on here. "I generally offer, but no man has ever taken me up on it, regardless of how the relationship progressed (or didn't) afterwards" - that's always happened to me too, so that's why I have been taken aback that he has so readily accepted.

pink4ever thanks! I did think the fact that he had invited me (and there was no need to book a hotel or any other costs involved) meant that maybe he would have booked the tickets for that occasion. I share your views on liking to be treated like a lady. I am surprised to hear that those views are thought of as old fashioned by some.

WibblyBibble true, that's my own fault for offering and I will stop if he chooses another expensive restaurant. It's his choice, he wants to go, so he should foot the bill I think. If it was my choice, frankly, I'd be happy with dominos but he says he's spoilt when it comes to food.

VioletV thanks a lot for that - I see my situation as a less extreme example in that he will readily accept but definitely not offer to return the favour and I could almost not imagine him making a spontaneous gesture of generosity, unlike myself which I have done a few times.

mayorquimby I live in London and unlike many (I'm sure you can imagine London especially SW1 is full of quite a few golddiggers) I am certainly not with him for his cash, I have my own that I earn by myself and am proud of that fact.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 12/07/2011 22:09

If he eats more of the meal he pays for his share i.e what he eats you don't go halves.

NonnoMum · 12/07/2011 22:12

Just leave him.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/07/2011 22:17

mayor there is no suggestion she is with him for his money....Hmm

OP - what does he do? He seems to go on holiday an awful lot, does he actually work?

bubblesincoffee · 12/07/2011 22:19

Mayor, not liking stinginess does not equate gold digging!

I just think generosity is a good quality. Money is not the only thing a person can be generous with, and in this situation it's about wanting a man to act like the man. It is old fashioned, but I like to feel like I'm being treated like a lady. Whether that was at Claridges or Pizza Hut it wouldn't make a difference.

SkelleyBones · 12/07/2011 22:22

I made the mistake of having a child with such a man, now 10 years later he is the kind of bastard that will spend £20k on a barrister to fight me over £7k of child support ....... run for the hills

VioletV · 12/07/2011 22:43

Skelley We sound like we've dated the same man! OP expecting a man to treat you like a gentleman doesn't make you a golddigger. Gentlemen do not, not offer to pay for things. OP you sound like you need to find a BF like the previous one (and so do I) Don't end up like me and skelley. You'll never be free of him unless he dies...........

Original poster
klapaucius · 12/07/2011 23:05

SkelleyBones and VioletV thanks a lot for your posts. Skelly that makes me sad that someone would do that. Also makes me think what I have made in the past is the mistake of thinking I can "change" a man. My BF has shown what he's like very early on and I doubt very much that's going to change. Yeah, maybe he would be capable of things like that. And in a word Violet yes - I think you'r right about finding a BF like the previous one.

OP posts:
VioletV · 12/07/2011 23:08

My biggest regret was I only mumsnet a few months ago. I honestly swear had I found it a year or so ago I'd not be where I am now. Maybe post in relationships if you need anymore arse kicking. Good luck and I wish you well :) x

CurrySpice · 12/07/2011 23:11

I would have thought that buying Hermes and Cristal champagne and paying all the time without a squeak when you can't afford it would have given him the wrong impression

You must talk to him!

Although I'm a bit Hmm about the credit card. I find it hard to believe that a man of his means has no way of paying for flights!!

mayorquimby · 12/07/2011 23:12

"Mayor, not liking stinginess does not equate gold digging!

I just think generosity is a good quality."

nope completely agree, I hate stinginess and think generosity is a fantastic quality. However expecting someone to pay for their own flights or accepting their offer of dinner does not in my book equate to stinginess. And someone who got pissed off at having to pay their own way or offers to pay for dinner sometimes only to resent it later would not come under my book as someone who disliked stinginess, they'd very much seem like the ungenerous sort who seems to expect others to pay their way.

valiumredhead · 13/07/2011 08:35

Tbh just the fact his credit card is blocked would be enough for me! RED FLAG RED FLAG!

Blu · 13/07/2011 10:03

"At times I've given my choice and he refuses with a comment such as "I'm extremely spoilt" when referring to his expensive tastes. "

If he then lets you pay for the whole meal, or expects you to pay half he is rude, incosiderate and exploitative.
He's using your keenness for the relationship to fund his spoilt tastes. And you know what? Even if you could afford it all without a second thought, that is NOT a good basis for a relationship.

Are you a woman who needs to pay for company, love and sex? No, I thought not!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 10:07

He sounds a bit tight, and I'd be very worried about the gambling. But you need to sit and have an adult conversation about your incomes, the disparity, and what contributions are to be expected from both of you.

Lucyinthepie · 13/07/2011 10:15

If a boyfriend has much more money than you then I'd expect that he would realise that and if he wanted to indulge his expensive tastes he wouldn't expect you to pay half.
If he invites you on a trip then the answer is either "thanks for the invite, but I can't really afford it at the moment so you go without me" or "Great, thanks for the invite, let me know when you've got the tickets and I'll give you the money for mine". An invitation is just that, and it can be declined. Also, it doesn't mean you pass all the responsibility for organising it to the person you are inviting.
He's not much of a catch is he?
I agree with others who say that you need to sit down and talk to him. I have done this in the past with a boyfriend who earnt about 3 times what I did. You need to carefully explain that by choice, you would not choose to go to top-end restaurants and pay high prices (for example). My ex boyfriend used to choose to invite me out and pay for us to go to expensive places. He would also enjoy it when I invited him out and took us to cheaper places, or when I cooked for a special night in.
Havings said all that, I can't quite work out why you're with this one to be honest.

Wecanfixit · 13/07/2011 10:39

Comminication is the key here he obviously thinks you have the money to pay for all these trips.
Talk to him tell him you can not afford it no shame in that, I would check out his credit rating sounds dodgy, and he comes across as being tight but maybe because he is in serious debt, please look into it, then you will know if you can move forward or not, good luck.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/07/2011 10:43

It's not about being 'old fashioned' or wanting to be 'treated like a lady', OP. Your 'boyfriend' obviously doesn't feel that way about you. He doesn't want to treat you. He doesn't sound commited or in any way serious about you. Perhaps he has been generous with other previous girlfriends but for some reason, he's being very mean with you. That really ought to tell you what you need to know and give you pause to think when you pay for things.

noir · 13/07/2011 10:56

The other night I went for a meal in central london with my signficantly older DP, his brother and his brother's mate who are both extremely well paid architects (who i should maybe add are both married to gold diggers) it felt really good to be able to pay my way, there should have been a destiny's child song playing in the background :o

The best bit of advice i was ever given about relationships was from my aunty who has spent over 25 years in a violent, controlling relationship, she taught me to never be depedent on a man for anything, money, self-esteem etc.

TotemPole · 13/07/2011 11:08

Why would his credit card be blocked due to online gambling? Does he mean he's gone over the limit and hasn't paid it off? Surely he could just pay it off and free up the card again.

Or is there something in the small print about not using that particular card for gambling? Doesn't he have a debit card he can use to buy the tickets with?

A bloke who earns enough to pay £100k p.a. in rent, only has one card in his wallet. Nope, don't believe that.

Inertia · 13/07/2011 11:54

He might be conning you, and trying to wring money out of you with this being just the early stages.

Alternatively, as you haven't discussed your finances and you seem happy to splash out on expensive holidays, Hermes scarves, Cristal etc without appearing to blink, maybe he thinks you are much better off than you actually are?

It's not reasonable to expect one partner to pay for everything , but on the other hand you need to be honest with him and tell him that you can't afford all this.

As others have said, though, the gambling, blocked card and lying would put me off him anyway.

Lucyinthepie · 13/07/2011 12:15

I don't think this has anything to do with being dependant on a man. If he has more money than op, and more expensive tastes, then it is perfectly reasonable for him to make allowances for this by not expecting her to pay 50% all the time. The fact that he doesn't, and that he actually pushes her into corners where she ends up paying more than she can afford for meals etc, is manipulative and frankly nasty.
Op, I'd be inclined to try putting the brakes on him a bit by suggesting that you go to a different restaurant because then you'll be able to afford to pay your half. Or declining his invitation to pay to go on a trip with him as you can't really afford it at the moment. See what his reaction is to that. I suspect he'll be like a child that's having his toys taken away.