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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay?

109 replies

klapaucius · 12/07/2011 19:08

My boyfriend of 3 months has instigated us going on holiday to St Tropez this summer. He is not exactly "hard up" for cash - he pays almost 100k a year in rent for his London apartment. I haven't divulged my income with him but he would be foolish to think that it is in the same region as his. AIBU in that I expected him to be taking me away ie paying for the holiday or at least the flights? Bit of background - the first time he invited me on holiday to Zurich we were staying at his friend's house and he made it clear that I was expected to pay for the flights and also the taxi from the airport (even though he had a car there that he could and did drive). The second time we went away was fairly recently to his parent's house in Germany, again he made it clear that I was to purchase my own tickets. I did so and at the end of the holiday also bought his mother a 300 euro Hermes scarf and his father a bottle of Cristal to say thanks. I offer to pay for meals and he accepts immediately - and these are not cheap meals - the last time I went out with him and his brother he still spit the bills 3 ways which still came to about £50. It is not my choice to go to these restaurants; he chooses. I would say I pay for about half (or more) of the meals we have. The last time (again, he chose the restaurant) the bill came to about £50 and I paid even though I chose something on the menu that was £14 and he chose something that was £35. I offer to be polite, and he immediately accepts which I find to be quite rude, really. And now with the holiday coming, he has not only asked me to book the flights (telling me he will pay for his half in cash later), he has also informed me that the reason he cannot book is that he blocked his credit card due to online gambling. Oh, that's fine then. My previous partner paid for everything for me when it came to holidays and meals and would not let me pay even when I offered to. I would just like to know - AIBU? Have times changed and my boyfriend is a "new man" not wishing to offend or patronise me?

OP posts:
Driftwood999 · 12/07/2011 19:33

I think y(would)bu if you expect "to be taken away" ie have everything paid for. Having re read your post, that's not what I understand the situation to be. It sounds like a pattern is building here and you are right to question it. It's obviously grating. It's a warning maybe that he so readily accepts the offer for you to pay. Does he "appear" to pay at restaurants and then gather in the contributions afterwards? Your comment about the online gambling is a bit worrying....be careful, you've only known him 5 minutes. How much do you want this holiday?

kingbeat23 · 12/07/2011 19:33

YABU to expect him to be paying for everything. YABstupid to not listen to all of us who are telling you massive alarm bells are ringing on this post.

I would reconsider what thi is telling you about this relationship and what you want out of it.

Maybe he has no money and is an out of control gambler or he is an out of control gambler that thinks women are only after him for his money? Either way, look for the key word here.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/07/2011 19:33

.. and you're still at the 'wooing' stage? How's that working for you? Confused

Blu · 12/07/2011 19:35

You should pay your way, BUT that also means that you should be able to pick restaurants and holidays within YOUR budget. It is OUTRAGEOUS of him to choose expensive restuarants and for you to then pay. And if you are going on hol and paying your share then you should very much have a say in where, how much, and budget.

It sounds very much as if he has a gambling habit, expensive tastes and an impulsive spending habot and does not have the cash to pay for it all.

You need to have a serious talk with him. Or watch very carefully what is happening. The blocked cc sounds extremely fishy.

eurochick · 12/07/2011 19:35

YABU. We are married and still pay our own shares of flights, etc (or in practice one books and pays for flights and one books and pays for hotels or something). Why would you expect a new bf to pay for you? It is 2011.

But if your concerns relate to general stinginess or the gambling or the fact that you are uncomfortable with his high roller lifestyle, then just move on.

meriden · 12/07/2011 19:36

Think I'd be seeing the red flags here myself. Appearance of wealthy lifestyle, blocked credit card gambling excuse, getting you to pay for flights, ordering pricey things on the menu then getting you to pay half.

I can't help thinking he's a chancer.

WhoAteMySnickers · 12/07/2011 19:36

YABU.

You need to start speaking up if you can't afford the things he wants to do or if you're getting irritated about subsidizing his meals out, etc.

All you are doing at the moment is storing up resentment, and so early on in a relationship, it doesn't bode well for the future does it?

cocoachannel · 12/07/2011 19:40

£100k a year in rent. Really? That's iffy on a few levels. Hmm

squeakytoy · 12/07/2011 19:42

I would say that the new relationship would mean the opposite! IE, we're still in the "wooing" stage.

For many relationships, that can translate as the "bullshitting" phase too..

His credit card is blocked so he is asking you to pay for his flight too??? dodgy as fuck I'm afraid.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/07/2011 19:46

Red flags galore here.

Why don't you just say 'I'm sorry I can't afford this one.', and see what happens.

So far, you have funded him by paying for the bits that need paying for while he has blagged you free accommodation from his friend and parents. My guess is that he cannot afford the St. Tropez holiday either but is hoping to trick you into paying for it for him.

Run. A. Mile

catgirl1976 · 12/07/2011 19:47

£100k a year in rent does sound iffy. A quick scan of right move did find 452 London flats to rent in that price bracket, but I would have to ask WHY? I could understand if you had a family, a certain standard of living and were between houses, but it seems foolish to throw that away on rent as a single person. Add that to the blocked credit card, the gambling etc and I do think you have a bit of a chancer on your hands here.

Original poster
klapaucius · 12/07/2011 19:51

I think all of you are right. He's in Germany right now (he said he "reeeeally" wanted me to come, I said I couldn't as the flights were too expensive - about £3-400 - so he just left it) but when he gets back I will be having a discussion with him a) about the gambling because yes, there certainly are red lights flashing about that one! And b) the expensive tastes thing. RoseC yours sounds like the rship we SHOULD have, ha!

Agree, catsareevil and with other posts of that sentiment. It seems like he's enjoying a champagne lifestyle on a rather more fanta budget, perhaps. From the outside it seems one thing but could well be another.

HerHissyness wow I had no idea about that as I've always had a debit card. That information is extremely worrying.

blu thanks a lot I'm glad you've agreed. I do think I should be able to choose! At times I've given my choice and he refuses with a comment such as "I'm extremely spoilt" when referring to his expensive tastes.

meriden chancer is the word I was thinking of too. It certainly seems that way the more I've got to know him.

squeakytoy yes that's been bothering me A LOT. It does sound dodgy as you like. I had to pry that info out of him as well. He claimed he couldn't book the Ryanair tickets as "I'm leaving now and won't have internet", THEN it was "I'm not sure about the baggage". So I looked up the baggage allowance and told him it was find. Then he FINALLY said it was because of his blocked credit card. Extremely fucking dodgy, now I think about it. TBH I gave the gambling comment the least thought of all and now I'm thinking we need a bit of a chat about that.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2011 19:57

He sounds really horrible.

He's obviously not concerned about you. He earns a hell of a lot more than you and asks you to pay more than your share? That is selfish and thoughtless and mean.

He sounds to me as though he's living in fantasy land. He likes expensive things, that's clear. It's also clear that he feels entitled to them.

Never go out with someone who's mean. Never go out with someone who puts himself first. Never go out with a gambler. Never go out with someone with such a huge sense of entitlement. Never go out with a liar.

I'm sure I'll think of some more soon!

Dump him.

mumblebum · 12/07/2011 20:01

blocked his credit card due to online gambling

Run for the hills.

Original poster
klapaucius · 12/07/2011 20:02

Thanks ImperialBlether and mumblebum, those are very good points. Plus it's quite early in the rship to be concerned about all of those things already.

OP posts:
mollymole · 12/07/2011 20:04

aside from the sharing costs thing there is something VERY WRONG here - sounds like he's a bit of a con man or a chancer

wompoopigeon · 12/07/2011 20:13

That is the sound of alarm bells going off, sorry. I once had a bf like this - the kind of person who would stay in a smart hotel and just pick up the phone to reception and tell them what food they wanted without looking at a menu or considering price. He was genuinely loaded (family money) but also very tight when it came to splitting costs with me. His credit card was never blocked but if it had been I would have run even faster than I actually did. Though living the champagne lifestyle for a bit was fun, it never felt real IYSWIM.

ZillionChocolate · 12/07/2011 20:13

Ditch him and get a new boyfriend with whom you split things equally.

ihatecbeebies · 12/07/2011 20:19

You are being completely unreasonable to expect him to pay! If you don't want to pay for meals when you're out then don't offer. Or if you can't afford expensive meals then insist on going somewhere cheap or don't go. How ridiculous that you expect him to pay for everything for you just because he earns more than you.

ihatecbeebies · 12/07/2011 20:23

And the flights on this holiday, just say you'd prefer to book after he's given you his share, but you're not paying for him just as he shouldn't be expected to pay for you.

Reality · 12/07/2011 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pandygirl · 12/07/2011 20:28

Hi, I'm really sorry, I have to agree that I think he's a con artist.

Pagwatch · 12/07/2011 20:28

Alongside all the other problems is the fact that you can't seem to have a perfectly simple conversation about money.

I have more money than my sister.whenever I invite her to a weekend at a spa or to supper etc etc I offer to pay. I am polite enough to make the offer in straightforward yet sensitive way up front. But, if I were not clear she would say ' I would love to come but that is out of my price range reallly..." at which point we talk about it.

Is there any reason why you can't say " st tropez would be lovely but I can't afford such a pricey holiday"

It sounds as if you have learnt that talking about money is not something he wants to do....
Why would that be do you think?

youjusthaventearnedityetbaby · 12/07/2011 20:31

Run run as fast as you can!!! Before it's too late!! :)

bluecool · 12/07/2011 20:32

The OP's bf sounds quite dodgy, I agree - especially with the gambling and choice of restaurants. But I don't agree with the principle that everything should always be split 50/50 in relationships. DP and I have been together 8 years and he always picks up the bill in restaurants and for holidays. He earns much more than me and we'd be very limited in where we could go if I insisted on paying half for everything.

And when I was dating more casually, I think there has always been a wooing period when the men I've dated were happy to pay the bill. I generally offer, but no man has ever taken me up on it, regardless of how the relationship progressed (or didn't) afterwards. I'm surprised that it's viewed as so old-fashioned on here - it is very much the norm in my social circle.