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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to look after my best friend's daughter??

103 replies

ImGoingToHellForThis · 12/07/2011 14:45

Name Change because I already know I'm being a nasty bitch but

My best friend of 15 years has just landed herself a job after years of trying. She can get childcare, but not until September. I'm free until September so naturally she asked me. The thing is although I love her to bits I just can't stand to be around her DD

The DD is 7 and has been spoilt rotten from the day she was born, she even has a "spoilt" sounding name which I'd love to share but don't want to be TOO obvious. The girl is rude and demanding, sits there on the sofa with her glass in the air which means she wants it topping up. The last time she was here she whacked my puppy across the face with her sandal because he SNIFFED her doll. She has been brought up to believe that EVERYTHING should and will revolve around her and she expects it from other people too, not just her parents. She turns my TV over without asking because at home, she rules the TV. She helps herself to food out of the cupboards whenever she feels like it and screams at the top of her voice if anyone so much as says no to her. I know its the way she's been brought up and I shouldn't blame her but I just can't stand being around her. She spoils every day out we go on by demanding and whinging and complaining and even even spoilt DSs birthday party by screaming because we wouldn't let her open half of the presents (this also meant that the video footage we took of DS with the presents is ruined.)

I know she needs me but the idea of taking this child on full time for 2 months fills me with horror. But she KNOWS I have nothing else on so excusing my decision is going to be so hard.

OP posts:

harecare · 12/07/2011 15:08

Unless you can set your own rules and get her to abide by them don't do it. If you can't get her to do as you want she could totally ruin your holidays.
You'd love to, but you are concerned about the legality of it as anything over 2 weeks must be registered care. You're not insured if anything happens to her in your care and if she doesn't do as she's told how can you keep her safe?

Blame it on DS. You'd love to, but he says he won't speak to you if she comes, he's soooo spoilt and you just can't say no to him!!!

MoreBeta · 12/07/2011 15:09

ImGoingToHell - excuse me but is your friend going to pay you for this 'free childcare'?

DW just had a non too subtle hint from another mother bemoaning the fact she had to look after her DD for the next two months of the summer holiday. She was wondering of she could just send her DD round to us to play with DSs at our house.

littlemisssarcastic · 12/07/2011 15:09

It sounds like it will be miserable for you all. You don't like this little girl, understandably. Your DS doesn't like her either. The little girl will be unhappy not having every whim satisfied, and the little girls mother will notice her precious daughter is not happy and will confront you about it imo.

I'd say No. It doesn't matter how you get the message across, but the answer has to be no. In time, I suspect that it will begin to dawn on your friend that no one wants to look after her DD or have her over to play.

peeriebear · 12/07/2011 15:10

You could say you have reservations because "she doesn't behave at my house". So you're not saying to your friend that her DD is a horrid brat, but that she's a horrid brat for you.

PainSnail · 12/07/2011 15:13

Jesus, she sounds like a real treat. Haven't the school mentioned anything about her behaviour? I can't imagine a teacher having much time for it.

harecare · 12/07/2011 15:27

Morebeta - maybe get over your shock and see what favours she'll do for you if you help her out the odd day? I'm all for free childcare between friends if it's not a hassle and is mutually beneficial. Brat children or simply children who don't get along are a problem, but I regularly have my neighbours DD over as it occupies my DD!
The girl you have described OP would not be welcome in my home purely for the fact that she didn't get along with my DC, even if I was getting paid.

Eglu · 12/07/2011 15:31

No way should you look after her child.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2011 15:32

I'd say no, and I'd tell the friend why. peeriebear 's suggestion of "she doesn't behave at my house" is quite diplomatic, but bluntness would be best. You've described several incidents, presumably your friend was present during these? Give them to her as examples of how her daughter would behave with you, and plainly say that you just can't cope with that.

If your friend won't face up to her daughter's behaviour now, then when?

C4ro · 12/07/2011 15:35

Cruel on your DS if she is a that much of a pain. Don't do it and I wouldn't sugar coat the reasons why not to the mate either. Tell her the only way someone will take on her misbehaving diva is if they are paid for it.
peeriebear puts it a nicer way, though you'll leave her room to pressure you into it if you say that... she'll ask her nicely to be good or something equally as ineffectual as her parenting to date.

Insomnia11 · 12/07/2011 15:37

I was reminded of "Curious Connie" in The Magic Faraway Tree.

If you don't want to then say no. Have to say I'd be tempted to see if I could improve her behaviour, at least while she's with me. My cousins used to be naughty at home but they were ok at our house when my aunt and uncle weren't there.

Insomnia11 · 12/07/2011 15:38

Yes, I wouldn't do it if it was going to upset my daughters.

MoreBeta · 12/07/2011 15:52

harecare - there is the problem. The mother who approached DW is almost continuously calling upon her neighbour to look after her DD at weekends. During the week, her neighbour works so she is casting around to find someone else to dump her on. We work at home and live nearby so we are a a perfect target. The mother does not work at all - she just does not want to look after her own DD.

JamieAgain · 12/07/2011 15:56

Of course you can'yt do it. Only if her DC and your DC got on really well would I even consider it

JamieAgain · 12/07/2011 15:56

can't

TheDeathlyMarshmallows · 12/07/2011 15:57

I'd have a look at the Ofsted website for excuses reasons why you can't have her Darling Daughter (is her name really Precious? Just give us the first letter...) as I'm sure childcare for that amount of time for that duration would need to be with an Ofsted registered carer. Remember the police women that got told off for helping each other out even as friends and for free?

There would be no way I'd want to look after her either. YANBU

TheDeathlyMarshmallows · 12/07/2011 15:58

Here's a link to the story. Looks like it could have all the ammo you need

Stillchuckingit · 12/07/2011 15:59

I think you risk ruining your friendship if you criticise your bf's daughter

And I think you risk ruining your friendship if you take this on and it all goes horribly wrong

You also risk ruining your friendship if you refuse outright.

For those 3 reasons: it was plain wrong of your bf to ask. It puts you in a very difficult position.

Perhaps compromise and say "I'm willing to do it for two/x days a week throughout the summer, or for two weeks (whichever suits you best) on the understanding that your dd conforms to our house rules which she may not like"

That way, you've helped her out a bit and done your duty as a friend.

Don't feel guilty. Her child is not your responsibility. It's more than reasonable for her to find alternative childcare the rest of the time.

And it makes no difference whether you are intending to spend your own holidays on a chaise longue painting your toenails, or dashing around with your own dc. You don't owe her an explanation.

Al0uiseG · 12/07/2011 16:00

She hit the puppy!

Vile child.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/07/2011 16:03

I wouldn't do it. I have a very good friend whose DD (also 7) is a bit bratty, although not on the scale described here. My DCs don't like going to their house and politely decline to play with her when she comes here, which is slightly awkward. No way would I have her here for the whole of the summer holidays, they would never forgive me. At 7 surely there are lots of childcare clubs etc she could do over the summer?

thefirstmrsrochester · 12/07/2011 16:03

Don't do it op!
2 months of full time childcare during the school holidays - it's a huge ask even if the child in question behaved impeccably.
I had a neighbour with the most awful dc who used to lead me into conversations whereby I would reveal unintentionally that I would be at home during bank holidays/in service days/mid-term holidays and then ask me to take her brats in a way that it was difficult to say no.
A pushy and devious woman with the most awful kids.
That I have 3 dc of my own and my hands are full never registers with her.
It made me so angry and miserable.
Please don't do it!
Or if you do, take her one day a week - that's still showing support and it leaves you with plenty of precious summer holiday time with your own dc.

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 12/07/2011 16:08

YANBU I wouldn't do it.

Teachermumof3 · 12/07/2011 16:10

My goodness-was she going to pay you! It really annoys me when people who work decide to use people who don't work as free unwilling childcare!

Say you're planning on going away/have other commitments/keeping getting migraines/puppy has an infectious skin disease/your house needs to be exorcised etc etc

Has she just assumed you'd say yes?

carocaro · 12/07/2011 16:11

Yanbu - her daughter her job to sort proper childcare. Tell her to get lost. You have a great summer with your daughter instead of a nightmare one with a brat!

Teachermumof3 · 12/07/2011 16:12

What did you say in answer to her asking you this? When she first broached it, I mean.

MoreBeta · 12/07/2011 16:13

Sorry but some people are devious and manipulative and do dump their DCs on other people. There, I said it. Its true.

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