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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hold out an olive branch to DB and SIL?

49 replies

HappyDoll · 12/07/2011 13:38

Last Christmas, we all had the falling out of falling outs. There was a death, terminal illness, a TV and some pate. It was not pretty.

SIL has since tried to get my darling Grandmother to listen to her slagging me off and for the first time in my entire life I have heard Granny say something unkind about someone when she called her a "vicious bitch" Shock

Anyway, we each have 3dc's and whilst I'm pretty sure theirs aren't in the slightest bit fussed, mine are asking when they'll see their cousins.

We've just received a thank you card (written by her and quite pointed) for a birthday present I sent and I'm considering sending this:
Thanks for "DCs" thank you card, it's sweet. This is all a bit silly and unhealthy, wanna make up?!
A good friend says sit on it a while, what do you lot think?

OP posts:
sparklyjewlz · 12/07/2011 13:42

Life's short. Make the first move.

mckenzie · 12/07/2011 13:46

agree with sparkly.

SomethingProfound · 12/07/2011 13:47

Go for it what have you got to lose? Also do you think the thank you card was her way of perhaps offering an olive branch to you?

MajorBumsore · 12/07/2011 13:51

Yes go for it, but if she's on the bitchy side, I'd leave out the words silly and unhealthy, she'll only hold that against you.
Go for 'I'm really sorry that everything went so awfully wrong at Christmas-any chance we could bury the hatchet?'

smoggii · 12/07/2011 15:09

Sadly we don't get to choose our inlaws we hope our siblings will make good choices but they don't always. You've nothing to lose and lots to gain by making contact again.

Good luck. I'd maybe just ask how the family are and see if she'd like to arrange a play date for the kids and put the past behind you - clean slate

redwineformethanks · 12/07/2011 15:24

I'm with majorbumsore - be very careful that your words couldn't possibly be mis construed and then make the first move. You'll be proud you did.

I know it's irritating to have people coming all sentimental on these threads, but my aunt is in intensive care and you never know when you might suddenly lose the chance to say everything you wanted.

skybluepearl · 12/07/2011 15:29

what about - can we put christmas behind us and start again?

hellospoon · 12/07/2011 15:40

Depends on if you can really put it all behind you and not bring it up again. If so then go for it, but if you make things right between you all you must ensure it isn't dragged up again

ENormaSnob · 12/07/2011 15:46

Depends what the falling out was over in the first place.

Need to know more about the tv and the pate Wink

AliGregoryTheAllegory · 12/07/2011 15:52

Ask her what her plans are for this Christmas? Grin

Original poster
HappyDoll · 12/07/2011 17:01

The fallout was massive. Aunts, Uncles, In Laws, Brothers, Sisters, Husbands and Wives all got involved.

TBH, I was really hurt by it, I mean huge-therapy-bill hurt. BUT I've had therapy, I am still hurt but the thing that hurts most is the fact that my family is broken.

I'd rather we see each other occasionally and just get on with it for the sake of the kids (gawd knows I'm an expert at that). The silliness in the text is meant to make like of a situation that has got out of hand.
So far, no-one thinks I shouldn't....interesting Grin

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/07/2011 17:59

I'm on the fence until you provide more info.

What are the words your sil used on the thank you card which was 'written by her and quite pointed'.

What is the position of other relatives who were involved in the fallout? Are they now playing happy families while your db & sil are out in the cold, or have sides been taken and maintained?

Original poster
HappyDoll · 12/07/2011 23:09

OK - she always writes the thank you cards. They are old enough to write them themselves. It just said thanks for the lego I enjoyed building it. I mean it is pointed in that she writes I - does that mean DNephew didn't bother?! This is the 2nd thank you card I've had this year, it's not a olive branch, everyone gets one, it means nothing.

DGranny thinks she's vicious, DMum has been hurt beyond belief by it all, to the point where I wrote to DBro begging him to speak to her as she had been diagnosed with MS and was struggling to cope. He did and now DMum thinks he's magic but she can't stand SIL. DSis always 'sided' with them whilst trying to keep the peace with me IYSWIM?

I don't believe it is my place to hold out the olive branch, but I don't think they ever will. Also, I quite fancy being the bigger person...!

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/07/2011 00:36

If your sil signed her name on the card she wrote on behalf of your dn then it would seem to be a barb. If she signed it from your dn, or it was unsigned, I'd read it as he enjoyed building the lego set you sent him.

Given that presents/cards are being exchanged, I would suggest you act on your good friend's advice to 'sit on it' a while longer primarily because your pal is no doubt fully up to speed with exactly what took place - and because you can use the time to grow even bigger Grin

Maybe your dsis or another relative will have occasion to host your db & sil at some future date and you can wangle an invitation or drop in? Seeing them face to face again under such circumstances would be preferable to extending a written olive branch that they may view as an apology for your part in the shennanigans or as a sign of weakness because you cracked first.

If you meet in this natural manner you'll be able to take the moral high ground by being sweetness and light personified, and you'll have the option of acting as if nothing untoward occurred, or respond with 'of course all families have their ups and downs, that was then, this is now' if they raise the matter.

Don't worry about time being short and all that jazz that can make us feel pressured into early action. IME some events happen for a reason and many problematic situations resolve themselves without need for us to be overly stressed about making the first move etc.

Original poster
HappyDoll · 13/07/2011 08:36

Hmm, in the cold light of day I'm wavering. I feel like I couldn't care less about them, so in that case, is it better to be friendly or to ignore?
I'm erring on the side of what's the point...

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 13/07/2011 08:40

Why wouldn't you?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/07/2011 09:20

You've done 'friendly' - you sent a gift; they sent a thank you card.

Given what occurred some six or so short months ago, this seems to be a significant rapprochement and I suggest you now sit back and await further developments.

Fractures heal in their own time. Don't try to rush it.

Iwantscallops · 13/07/2011 09:48

I undertstand how you feel. There was the mother of all arguements between DH and his Dsis. He gave the olive branch to his Dsis and parents(although he still speaks to his parents it's quite strained) and it has fallen upon deaf ears.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, go ahead and offer the olive branch, but be fully prepared for it not to solve matters. If the bad feeling still remains, then you have been the better person and you can draw a line under it and move on.

WyrdMother · 13/07/2011 10:12

I'd probably stick an olive branch out (with gritted teeth) for the sake of grownupedness and good example to DC's.

If sil goes for your branch with the secateurs I'd just tell DC's that everyone got upset at christmas, why in age appropriate terms and that sometimes it takes time for grownups to sort this stuff out. I've had to say much the same thing to my DC because of my colourfull family and she accepted it fine.

EldritchCleavage · 13/07/2011 12:09

Do you think there is any prospect of things getting better, or at least of no more unpleasantness? If you do, then go for it. Otherwise, I'd say be very cautious.

I'm a bit wary given SIL is (still?) being horrible about you to your own grandmother. Sometimes, ostensibly having made up but actually having it all bubbling and festering beneath the surface is worse than a straightforward rift.

My Dh has not made up with his sister because she refuses to accept having played any part in their rift, discuss it or apologise for some of the truly awful things she said. Her idea of moving forward is, as ever, for everyone to pretend nothing happened. Until next time, and we all know (because of her personality and track record) that there's going to be a next time. Even her parents acknowledge that. DH isn't prepared to wait on tenterhooks for that next time, so despite his parents' upset he has not offered an olive branch. If that is your situation, I'd would take a more neutral position-don't make an approach, but don't block any kind of rapprochement either.

Original poster
HappyDoll · 14/07/2011 22:10

Sent it at lunchtime to both of them. Heard no reply at all :(

OP posts:
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 14/07/2011 23:14

Not all families get along, tbh if dps two brothers and sils decided to 'sweep it under the rug' wed never go for it my life, our lives without them is bliss, just wish I could ask the pils never to mention them

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 14/07/2011 23:20

Forget everything else, what happened with the pate ?

CurrySpice · 14/07/2011 23:20

Perhaps she's out or not checked email - not everyone does every day. Fingers crossed and well done on being the bigger person

springydaffs · 15/07/2011 00:20

it's a great idea. You are the bigger person - you also know you have good support from within the family and can risk being the bigger person. I doesn't sound like SIL is a big person tbh, though I could be wrong. Absolutely awful to hear how much pain it has caused (were you joking about therapy? Sad). I have made amends with my poisonous family for the sake of 'peace'. They have continued to be poisonous and it takes a bit of getting used to tbh - no point thinking that a bit of decentness (Hmm) will win some people round. NOt sure what I'm going to do when my dear mum pops her clogs, as then the reason for keeping the family 'peace' will be gone.

I do hope you are successful in this OP. and I wish you were my SIL [heart]