To hold out an olive branch to DB and SIL?

[HappyDoll]

Last Christmas, we all had the falling out of falling outs. There was a death, terminal illness, a TV and some pate. It was not pretty.

SIL has since tried to get my darling Grandmother to listen to her slagging me off and for the first time in my entire life I have heard Granny say something unkind about someone when she called her a "vicious bitch"

Anyway, we each have 3dc's and whilst I'm pretty sure theirs aren't in the slightest bit fussed, mine are asking when they'll see their cousins.

We've just received a thank you card (written by her and quite pointed) for a birthday present I sent and I'm considering sending this:
Thanks for "DCs" thank you card, it's sweet. This is all a bit silly and unhealthy, wanna make up?!
A good friend says sit on it a while, what do you lot think?

They ate all the pate before we arrived and then asked us to pay for it

That was the final straw, the absolute final straw! It's hilarious now that pate was the subject of the argument which ended in me being told to go to hell!!!!! Sadly I wasn't joking about the therapy, it's taken a while for me to comes to terms with. This concided with DMum's MS diagnosis and basically all other family withdrew support because of this argument, leaving me, 100 miles away, to deal with the daily agony of supporting mum as she came to terms with it.

I do feel slightly superior though that I have given them the opportunity to climb down and come together as a family (you know, those people you can't choose, but have to get along with) and they are still choosing to treat me like this. I'm so sad that it's happened and if I think about it, it really gets to me but, I know the people that really count live here. with me, and are quite short!

PS Curry - it was a text message to both of their phones, there's no way they haven't read it, and by now they'll have had some time to coordinate a response too. :(

Sod the pate, Apocalypse think of the tv. There could be a good flatscreen gone to waste or still possibly in working condition.

What have you gone and done, OP? He who moves first often loses best seat in house

What did you actually say in teh text? Did you use the words "silly" and "unhealthy"? Bad move if you did.

TBH, I can't be arsed with people who do that - I don't speak to my brother and am not likely to again. My mum hated it, so I made some sort of effort for her sake while she was alive - but she's gone now and my Dad, while he doesn't like it, accepts it more. When he's gone too (hope not for a long time!) there will never be a need for me to contact my brother. And that suits both of us. (there was a poisonous SIL involved there too but she's gone now, thankfully for my sis and Dad - but her poisonous effect lingers on).

The pate The TV And did the goat die?

Hope it works out for you.Whatever you do, don't send a follow up text.

What happened OP? Did they get back to you? sounding nosey but not really, worried about you because the bastards drove you into therapy in the past

Wll done for being a grown up. If their children miss out on their cousins you'll know it's not your fault.

No, they haven't got back to me. Well fine. My Dad saw DBro on Thurs eve and he didn't mention it at all.

They are trying to get Mum & Dad more involved in their life again, but in a "come and spend time with your grandchildren" way, not a "let me help you now your mobility is impaired" way.
He genuinely couldn't give a toss about me. His wife told him that they wouldn't have anything to do with my Mum until she apologised for taking my 'side'. It was then that I wrote to him, begging him to just be nice because she was breaking down. He did contact her, but still refuses to acknowledge I exist. He said I can "go to hell, seriously, would care if she died tomorrow".
How can someone disregard their sister that badly? :(

You turned up at a family party and they asked you to pay for something they'd already eaten?

Well done for putting out an olive branch. You could give them a ring and invite the cousins round for a sleepover or play date? Or if your kids are young enough they could invite the cousins themselves. Not sure if the adults deserve an invite...

I could write an essay about my in-law woes....

They don't sound worth it. You have tried, they haven't responded, I would carry on sending (small) presents for their children Christmas and birthdays assuming you can afford it - because it's not their fault their parents are such unmitigated arses - but apart from that, leave it.

And I would be honest with your children - tell them "we can't see cousin x and y because uncle a and auntie b don't want to be friends with me and daddy. It's very sad and a bit silly and I hope you never fall out with each other like that". But then I run to over honesty with children sometimes and others may think this a bad idea.

HappyDoll - don't expect it to necessarily improve then.
When my mum was dying in hospital, both I and my brother were in ICU at the same time. Mum tried to get us to make up (hah!) so I faked it for her. As a result of this, my brother tried to refuse to be in the same room as me when mum was in the final stages. My dad told him to grow up, effectively, and put it behind him for the sake of my mum. He did but he's never spoken to me since and I'm pretty sure he couldn't care less if I died tomorrow. He's never spoken to Ds either (who is now 3.7). He is an Arse but it's his choice to be that way and afaiac, he can do what he likes.

Oh no, it's not like that. It was a year in the build up, lots and lots of hurt and resentment. We arranged to spend christmas together and somehow between us managed to devise some crazy shared way of paying for all the groceries where I ordered and paid for them. There was a spreadsheet with all the info on so we could all see the cumulative total. I was expecting to be paid when we got there.

Mum, Dad and me and mine got there a day late because Mum's Dad had died a fortnight before (on my birthday) and I was the only one that could be bothered made the effort to go to the funeral on the other side of the country with them. It was during all the terrible snow and I was really, really ill with tonsilitis and on the verge of a breakdown.
When we got there, it turned out that her family (whose job was to by the turkey) had spent an outrageous amount on bits and bobs and were expecting to not have to pay anything, but they hadn't recorded it on this godawful spreadsheet that I had been working to religiously. So, we had all these groceries that everyone knew about (including pate!), a load of other 'secret' stuff as well. No receipts and no evidence because they had eaten it all on the night before.
This was on top of the £1500 TV that DBro had taken to fix on the basis of, fix it and we'll sell it and split the proceeds 50/50 OR you can buy it off of us for a nominal amount, say £100. They said they didn't want it and would try to sell it. Then, some months later, after getting bored of asking if they are still trying to sell it and should I put it on ebay, we visited to find it in pride of place in their living room
Well, after all that, I got angry. My brother had walked out the room and refused to discuss money (because that's crass ) so I stormed upstairs, feeling like absolute shite - travelled through the night, lost my grandad, mum horribly ill, had tonsilitis, was having a humdinger of a period - and as I stormed I said "it's theiving, that's what it is". I said it to no-one, I was angry.
Well, that, it seems, was the crime of the century. I may as well have bbqed their babies. She later flew at me, attacking like I've never seen, red faced and shaking, she hadn't even been there at the time. I answered back, which I don't think she was expecting, and explained fairly calmly that yes, it is not ok to spend other peoples money and not provide receipts.
We haven't spoken since. :( :( :( :( :(
If you managed to read that, thanks, feels good to have said it!

Sorry, xposts. Thumbs, DBro sounds a lot like yours.

my brother is like this but I sort of ignored it - hard to explain. I didn't come into contact with him too much anyway and, when I did, I sort of skirted around his distaste. It's probably called denial. he had a stroke about a year ago and has been in a bit of a pickle since. I told him I loved him the other day. I don't know, he's such a weak character I can't take his distaste seriously if that makes any sense. Horribly patronising of me, probably. His wife is also the most ignorant woman I think I have ever met in my life so it's not surprising he isn't behaving the best way he could. I have a very petty, toxic family and as the years have gone on I keep a healthy distance and when I have no choice but to be with them (though technically of course I have a choice, I just choose to be with them for the sake of my mum) I kind of float over the situation. I could seriously yaaaawn about them tbh - it's the same old same old after years and years of it. It is very boring. I guess what I'm saying is that I know they are petty and revolting, I don't expect any different, they are like poisonous children and the closest feeling I get about them is irritation and that they need a good smack. ime, life has a way of smacking people who are badly behaved.

oo-er I sound a bit horrible there don't I , a bit cold and superior amd seething with bitterness [ahem]. I'm not saying it's been easy - it certainly hasn't, and I've had acres of therapy about it. What I mean about life 'smacking' people is that every one of my family has had some horrible crisis that has brought them down iyswim, humbled them. They're still, at root, an ignorant bunch and I certainly don't gloat when they hit the buffers, am just relieved that they arne't quite so shrill after a bit of suffering. That they can't dominate or control.

also ime, projects that were supposed to be 'family projects', that fell flat on its face, scattering a lot of hurt feelings (to me, tbh) gradually fell out of favour as I learnt that this lot couldn't be trusted, that they would ruin the simplest thing, would get petty and spiteful (and 'thieving'). God, it's just too tiresome to contemplate tbh. Now I just don't go there. I wouldn't trust them to make a cup of tea tbh.

Springy, I can identify with a lot of what you've said there. It's hard to just walk away from family. I am really struggling with this, I just wish we could all accept that family is here for the long haul, like it or not.

Well, they sound like users and all the anger sounds a bit like attack as the best form of defence. Nothing like squirming guilt to make weak people behave really badly.

Users! Ha! So true. She is poison and I wish she had never come into my family. She has cheated on him and he goes abroad all the time, when he does he uses prostitutes. They are not nice people, I wish I'd remembered this before I made an effort and got my hopes up:(

Can't help with whether you hold out the olive branch I'm afraid, that's a personal decision.

But I will say this:

Never, never drag your children into family arguments. Even if you aren't speaking, your children should still maintain good relationships with their uncle/aunt and cousins and you should make an effort to do so even if it's awkward for you.

My mum fell out with everybody when I was growing up and I had NO extended family at all because she wouldn't let me see them. It was horrible and v lonely. Don't deny your children of their extended family, it's not fair.

Dancergirl - that is very sad for you but I cannot necessarily agree with you. I don't agree that children should still know toxic relatives just because they're relatives. I would not expose DS to my brother, who refuses to speak to him or acknowledge he exists. DS has met my brother's children but only once or twice and is unlikely to meet them again until he is old enough to do so under his own steam.

However - DS does have other cousins and he knows them, so not quite as drastic as your sad situation.

Our 'pate' incident involved alcohol. Ridiculous isn't it? It was bought without discussion or prior agreement. It was drunk (not by us). We were expected to cough up for it. When we said 'no sorry you should have discussed that with us first' it didn't go down well.

Tough. Who needs users?

Dancergirl, that is very sad but I have to agree with Thumbs. In this instance I cannot happily let my children be in their care or even around them teaching them that this is how adults behave.

They are toxic. I really thought that this olive branch would start the long process of smoothing things over, like adults do. But this snub is childish and the sort of thing I teach my children NOT to do. I can't expose them to this sort of behaviour. I do hope they never feel as alone you have because of this :(

I kept the relationships with my family going for the sake of my children, to not deny them their cousins/aunts/uncles. Turns out one cousin was sexually abusing my daughter (for years - very severe abuse ). My kids saw, heard and experienced stuff which I bitterly regret. I wish I could do it all again and carefully move away (probably geographically - can't get too far away from toxic people). The mistake I made was not really accepting how poisonous they were, thinking 'oh come on, they're family'. They were - still are - poisonous: actually, deadly.