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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to replace my parents things?

119 replies

MadStaringEyes · 08/07/2011 20:01

My parents are on holiday, my DSis lives with them, and she's 26. DSis has planned a 'small gathering' of people tomorrow night at their house.

She's forever skint, was paid 8 days ago and has £60 to last her the rest of the month, so thought it would be cheaper to have people around. The 'small gathering' includes quite a few of my colleagues, who DSis has recently met and have a reputation for destruction.

Their ex parties have ended with a garden bench being broken, a toilet being cracked, a dog dying, a lawn being replaced, and just general destruction. My parents have spent quite a lot of time and energy doing their house up since DSis and I grew up and it has quite a lot of trinkets from her parents, bespoke glass display cabinets, etc. basically things that cannot be replaced.

I asked her what she planns on doing if/when something gets broken, she said she'll be moving it rooms, which is fine, but everybody is staying the night, so nowwhere is safe. I asked how she would replace things if they were broken, she said I'd lend her the money. I told her I wouldn't and not to have the party, she's doing it anyway. She asked if I would rather see my parents, mum in particular, stressed at having to replace the items.

AIBU to be pissed off at her assumption that I will replace anything her friends break?

OP posts:
ravenAK · 09/07/2011 01:29

My SIL was not entirely dissimilar in her mid 20s. She once woke up 70 year old MIL in the silly hours because she & a transient bf had taken some dodgy 'legal high' stuff they bought in Camden & the bf had a panic attack...

You probably can't prevent the party if she lives there. I suppose you could pop round with a dozen cardboard boxes & box up any breakables/valuables with her - then store them in one locked room/your car/the shed?!

Would she co-operate with that?

A1980 · 09/07/2011 01:38

Wash your hands if it.

She's 26 not 16. Having said that, looking at some of the 26 year olds I am coming across at work (who are only 6 years younger than me I might add) I do not find this surprising. They are 26 going on 12. The ones at my work get a slight temperature and they rush to A&E thinking they have meningitis.

MollyMurphy · 09/07/2011 01:46

I would contact your parents and advise them of what a selfish little twat they are enabling - ultimately its their responsibility to tell her to sod off and get her own place that she can treat however she likes. How horrid.

Spuddybean · 09/07/2011 01:50

A1980 - i agree with your point. i am 34 and work with grads (often up to 28) and they have a go at me saying it's my responsibility to get them a job and sort out their tax and pay etc. They turn up late to interviews (i bust my hump to organise) wearing ripped jeans and unprepared.

i wonder why childhood seems to have extended till you are 30!

Goblinchild · 09/07/2011 03:58

Make it clear you are not going to pay for anything at all before the part and that everything to do with it is her responsibility. Keep a copy of any email or text you send.
Let your parents really understand the consequences of having enabled such selfish, parasitic behaviour to continue for so many years.

ZonkedOut · 09/07/2011 08:47

It amazes me how someone can be so cavalier with someone else's property - her parents, no less.

Can you change the locks for a day to protect the house? Or hire a bouncer to keep people out? Only semi-joking!

2rebecca · 09/07/2011 08:55

I would not get involved at all apart from to advise her not to have the party. This is between her and your parents. If she breaks your parents stuff then they will have to deal with it and her, and consider whether or not they want her staying in their house when they are away if she behaves like a 17 year old.
This is not your problem. Support your parents when they get back. Let feckless sister deal with the consequences of her immature behaviour. Your parents and sister are all adults. Leave them to it.

Goblinchild · 09/07/2011 08:56

Why should she have to do anything to try and modify the situation her perfectly competent and able parents have created?
They wanted their little girl to stay a teenager forever, and the worng sort of teenager, let them reap.
My DD and DS would not behave like this at any time and they are 20 and 16. They'd have too much love and respect for their parents and their family home.

mumzy · 09/07/2011 09:05

I' d get the locks on the house changed so she can't physically get access into the house it'll be cheaper than sorting out the damage the "party" will cause. Could I ask what do you do as your colleagues sound like mutters

mumzy · 09/07/2011 09:06

Nutters!

Morloth · 09/07/2011 09:21

Your parents raised her, she lives with them, they know her, they have left her in charge.

She is 26, I really don't see how this has anything to do with you at all.

buzzsore · 09/07/2011 09:32

Leave her to it. If things get broken, it's her responsibility. Do not replace anything, repair anything, help her to clean up afterwards or bail her out in any way. She's 26, if she fucks up, she needs to bear the consequences.

Pagwatch · 09/07/2011 10:06

It is nothing to do with you.
Your parents are not children, nor do they need to be protected from your sister or the realisation of how irresponsible she is.

If you are aware of any items that are of huge personal consequence -sentimental value not monetary value -then it would be kind of you to remove them.

But whilst your concern is admirable and appropriate, you are being unintentionally patronising to your parents.
if the place gets trashed then your parents will get very good information about your sister which could ultimately help her. Your sister will also have to take responsibility for that.

Butt out. I agree with the email to her telling her that you think the party is a very bad idea and that you are not going to help her cover up the consequences. Then leave it totally alone. Go away for the weekend if you can.

Can I ask how old your parents are?

2rebecca · 09/07/2011 11:53

Changing the locks on someone else's house without their permission is a criminal act. Having a party in a house you live in and breaking a few things isn't.
The parents and sister live in this house. The OP doesn't. It is not up to her to decide that her sister should no longer have access to her parents' home.
This really is none of her business and apart from trying to reason with the sister and disuade her from the party she should keep out of it.
Playing "big sister" is inappropriate when you are adults.

Pagwatch · 09/07/2011 12:08

Exactly 2rebecca.

I am pretty shocked that people were suggesting changing the locks of a house she doesn't own, however well intentioned.

It is why I am interested in how old the parents are. If they are octogenarians then the desire to interfere may be more understandable.

MadYoungCatLady · 09/07/2011 12:13

OP, do you think any of the party goers could bring drugs with them? Even if this is only a very small doubt in your mind, it may be a way of getting the police involved. I am not suggesting that you call the police on your sister for this, but you work witht these people, so you may know if they have ever used anything before, IYSWIM. If it is even a very small possibility you need to contact the police on the night of the party and tell them. And see how long after the police have been and searched everyone the party continues.
I hope things work out ok.

thekidsmom · 09/07/2011 12:32

pagwatch I'd be guessing that the parents are only in their 50s at most if the sister is 26.......

OP, it really is not your repsonsibility.... just stay well clear....although I understand how anxious you must be feeling....

CalamityKate · 09/07/2011 12:38

What Pagwatch said.

Say your piece, then keep right out of it.

Original poster
MadStaringEyes · 09/07/2011 16:37

I didn't factor in her inviting people around post pub last night. She text me this afternoon to say something had been damaged and could I bail her out. I text her back saying that I couldn't and want no further details and she needs to think more carefully about tonight.

My parents are only in their 50's, but they don't realise what a feckless little shit my older sister is, because she keeps coming to me to bail her out.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 09/07/2011 16:42

Well, I think it is high time that your parents started to wake up to what their 26 year old daughter is like. They live with her; how can they not have some idea what she's like?

And as I've said before, they are bloody foolish for not being contactable when they are away.

I'm afraid that this time your parents will have to reap what they sow.

You've done your bit - you've advised your sister not to have people round tonight. (And if you haven't been crystal clear on that, text her again and be very, very clear indeed.)

DaisySteiner · 09/07/2011 16:46

If your parents let her get away with acting like an idiot then they should deal with the consequences for themselves IMO. Stop covering up for her, you're not doing anyone any favours in the long run.

Pagwatch · 09/07/2011 16:51

Quite right. Back off.

I am nearly in my 50s.

If I found out that one of my children was running around covering up for their sibling and effectively treating me like a fucking child I would be really, immensely annoyed.

The good heartedness that makes you want to protect your parents is clouding the issue. They deserve to see your sister as she is. You have been helping her to deceive them even though that was not at all what you intended.

TheCrackFox · 09/07/2011 16:59

Your parents, i would imagine, know fine well that your sister is very immature for her age. However, they chose to leave her in charge of their home without any contact details.

Text your sister and inform her that it is a bad idea to have friends around and furthermore that you are in no financial position to bail her out. She will never grow up if everyone panders to her all the time.

Beamur · 09/07/2011 19:08

Stop bailing her out. You're spot on with the text you sent her.
Personally, I think you need to keep well out of it and leave her to it. It's about time she grew up.

SomethingProfound · 09/07/2011 19:31

Your sister needs to grow up and also have a big fat reality check. Its just a shame it has to come at your parents expense.