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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to replace my parents things?

119 replies

MadStaringEyes · 08/07/2011 20:01

My parents are on holiday, my DSis lives with them, and she's 26. DSis has planned a 'small gathering' of people tomorrow night at their house.

She's forever skint, was paid 8 days ago and has £60 to last her the rest of the month, so thought it would be cheaper to have people around. The 'small gathering' includes quite a few of my colleagues, who DSis has recently met and have a reputation for destruction.

Their ex parties have ended with a garden bench being broken, a toilet being cracked, a dog dying, a lawn being replaced, and just general destruction. My parents have spent quite a lot of time and energy doing their house up since DSis and I grew up and it has quite a lot of trinkets from her parents, bespoke glass display cabinets, etc. basically things that cannot be replaced.

I asked her what she planns on doing if/when something gets broken, she said she'll be moving it rooms, which is fine, but everybody is staying the night, so nowwhere is safe. I asked how she would replace things if they were broken, she said I'd lend her the money. I told her I wouldn't and not to have the party, she's doing it anyway. She asked if I would rather see my parents, mum in particular, stressed at having to replace the items.

AIBU to be pissed off at her assumption that I will replace anything her friends break?

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 08/07/2011 21:35

And bear your sister's outrage, and tell your parents everything when you get home.

5Foot5 · 08/07/2011 21:35

Is there any chance you can go round before the party and remove some of the more fragile and irreplacable bits and pieces to your house for safekeeping? Then if any ensuing "damage" takes the form more of a mess to clean up then that is definitely down to her. Oh and can you have a word with the neighbours and encourage them to call the police if it sounds like things are getting out of hand.

TigerseyeMum · 08/07/2011 21:36

I second the changing the locks idea. Preferably when she is out and unable to get in.

The girl needs a wake up call Hmm 26????????

Cleverything · 08/07/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoojaBooja · 08/07/2011 21:38

I'm so shocked and angry. I can't believe that a dog died of a heart attack because of a party, and you list it after a broken toilet seat and a garden bench?!

Makes me feel sick. Those people should be prosecuted.

Original poster
MadStaringEyes · 08/07/2011 21:38

She's planning on moving stuff into my parents bedroom, but they have a new crocery set, which is in the spare room, that she has told people to crash in, and she has no idea it's there or how scarily expensive it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadStaringEyes · 08/07/2011 21:40

Booja, I listed them in the order they happened. And they craced the toilet bowl, not seat.

OP posts:
HattiFattner · 08/07/2011 21:42

send her a text or email, advising her not to hold the party (and give your reasons about the destructive guests) and not to expect you to bail her out if she decides to go ahead and have the party anyway. Copy your mum and dad.

Then its down to her, not you, if anything happens. You have clearly stated that you will not be held responsible - and then stick to it.

you have two little ones to deal with, after all. Let her know that you are no mug.

MoonGirl1981 · 08/07/2011 21:44

How do you get into the property (obviously a door but wondering about it's position)? Any way of blocking the door/gate with your car?

Even if you have to reverse madly and ruin a patch of lawn it'll be better than a whole house being trashed.

thisisyesterday · 08/07/2011 21:47

i also would do anything in my power to stop the party from happening.

if that meant going over there with husband and kids and stopping people from coming in then so be it

i do agree georgimama that the OP should not have to so this, and that her sister should just take the flack when the parents arrive back.... but they have stuff that is irreplaceable! if it was a matter of the sister having to buy replacements then fine, but not things with huge sentimental value that cannot be replaced.

priority must surely go to her mum and helping to stop this happening?

Georgimama · 08/07/2011 22:03

Point is, and the OP has in no way disagreed with me in this assumption, the sister sounds like she does whatever she likes and the parents condone it. Why should the OP spend her time and energy trying to stop this happening? Her sister isn't 17. She's 26. Doesn't sound like the sister gives enough of a toss to listen and things could turn nasty if the OP prevents the sister from accessing what is actually her home.

PhyllisDiller · 08/07/2011 22:08

Did the 'ex party incidents' happen at your parents house when they were away holiday before OP?

If they did and your parents haven?t didn?t give her marching orders afterwards then they are mad to go away and leave her IMO.

If not, then I guess all you can do is appeal to her better nature to cancel the party or if you can afford to, change to locks.

She sounds like a 16 year old, seriously, I?d be livid with her. She expects you to lend her the money for broken things??

I think I?d take up residence in the house for the weekend and kick her out myself!

Bogeyface · 08/07/2011 22:22

Send her the following message:

You are 26 and are old enough to be trusted with our parents home and posessions. You are old enough to throw a party with your friends. So, you are also old enough to pay for any damages caused and deal with the consequences when Mum and Dad return. I strongly advise you to cancel the party and will not be lending you any money or lie or cover up for you. I want to make it clear that if you choose go ahead you will take full responsibility for it and for any consequences.

Original poster
MadStaringEyes · 08/07/2011 22:22

No, they happened at their usual after pub address, before my sister met them, not at my parents. They've never been to my parents house before, I've pointed out that as they have no idea of her address it would be very easy to cancel.

I can't kick her out, and I cannot change the locks, it's her home, it would be unfair, and besides I don't have the money.

All I can hope is that they respect that my parents is not a shit hole (like their usual place) and respect it. Oh, and have the neighbours complain at the very first note of music Grin

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 08/07/2011 22:41

Mad since the colleagues don't know the address and you presumably can contact them, could you just contact them all and tell them it's cancelled? They will be unable then to just pop round to check, right?

This is perhaps not very tasteful, but could you email/ text round and tell them there has been a death in the family or similar, the party is cancelled, and the family would like to be private right now? They will not know where the house is and they are unlikely then to call your sister, right?

Original poster
MadStaringEyes · 08/07/2011 22:44

I don't have their numbers because I don't much like them

I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 08/07/2011 23:02

Well, it's your call, but I know my DPs have worked really hard all their lives to get nice things. If it were me and my sister, I'd go to the house and bar people from coming in, using my OH and/ or the friendly neighbours if necessary. I wouldn't care how much embarrassment I caused my sister or if she had a tantrum.

But that is just me :)

PhyllisDiller · 08/07/2011 23:02

Oh dear?.not much you can do then really except hope for the best, well, and tell her you don?t have the cash to bail her out (and then follow through and not lend her money under any circumstances no matter how much emotional blackmail she spins for you). Perhaps they will be crap friends and pull a no show on her.

Fingers crossed for the best.

mummymeister · 08/07/2011 23:23

its ok everyone saying dsis needs to be responsible but she isnt and she won't be until the shit hits the fan over something and perhaps this is it. sorry for your parents to come back to a nightmare but she lives there its her home and if she can't respect it then they need to know. you do have to put your foot firmly down re paying for damages. you have obviously bailed her out more than once in the past and need to say it and mean it. clearly she isnt a grown up yet and won't be until she understands actions and consequences its down to you to say what you mean and do what you say. walk away let her screw up.

razzlebathbone · 08/07/2011 23:32

How do you know the dog died after the toilet bowl?

Original poster
MadStaringEyes · 08/07/2011 23:42

I work with them. I hear details of their parties. All the incidents listed happened at differant parties.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 09/07/2011 00:09

Your parents are bloody fools though for leaving her in charge and to 'not be contactable' while on holiday.

razzlebathbone · 09/07/2011 00:30

What if one of you was seriously injured or something? Surely there's some way of getting in touch?

Bogeyface · 09/07/2011 00:51

Your parents are bloody fools though for leaving her in charge and to 'not be contactable' while on holiday.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment, the fact is that this is a 26 year old woman we are talking about! At that age I was married with 2 children and a mortgage, and its ridiculous that the above comment would be far more appropriate when discussing a 16 year old than a woman 10 years older. The OPs sister needs to grow up!

Spuddybean · 09/07/2011 01:12

omg!! seriously this is outrageous. by 26 she should have grown up. i would do everything in my power to stop it and i would defo not give her anything towards any damage.

Would your parents really blame you if they found damage you hadn't rectified?

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