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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why my best mate and OH call me hard hearted?

51 replies

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 14:09

I know this is daft but the other week my best friend (we work together known each other years) asked me why I never really cry and its because Im hard hearted apparantley!
I then went home and told OH he agreed and said yes I am hard hearted , I was a bit miffed people thought this of me I dont think I am.
I just dont cry much or show much emotion apart from to the boys and even if something really gets to me I wont cry . I can cry over something silly and random once every few months though

Im not lovey dovey either unless its to the kids and I think its mainly coz I dont beat around the bush i like to tell it straight which I think some people maybe dislike or dont understand . Take my friend shes having an affair , always crys but then again always tells lies. I would rather be how I am at least what you see is what you get and I am a nice person honest :)
Does anyone else find it hard to cry or am I just a freak of nature ?

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/07/2011 14:12

I find it hard to cry in front of other people to be honest!!!! Actually, I dont cry much at all..the only reason I cry is coz I miss my mum who died last summer but if I am going to cry about that its either in the bath or in my car....I just dont like showing my emotions to other people.

People say I am really strong though, not hard hearted..........dunno just think some are more emotional than others! You are def not a freak of nature.

jeckadeck · 08/07/2011 14:15

I don't know if you're hard-hearted because I don't know you but not crying doesn't mean you are. I've only seen my mother cry once in my life and she's one of the softest-hearted people I've met. Some people only cry in private and find it intensely humiliating to cry in front of people, others just can't cry. Might be worth pointing this out to them.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 08/07/2011 14:17

I just cry at the drop of a hat. Only if I read something sad or see something sad on the telly or DD does something that makes me proud.
I wouldn't describe myself as hard hearted though.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/07/2011 14:54

I don't see the connection between not crying and being hard-hearted, to be honest. Hard-hearted means uncaring. Why would crying mean that you are caring? It can mean you are in pain, upset, or overly-sentimental in the case of Shirley Temple films. Crying does not indicate that you are a caring person.

But, two people - your best friend and your OH - consider you hard-hearted, and you yourself say "I dont beat around the bush i like to tell it straight". Now, that could mean you are rather blunt and undiplomatic in how you put things; which could give the impression that you do not care if you hurt the person you are talking to's feelings. That could make you appear hard-hearted? Sorry if I seem a bit harsh OP, but something in what you wrote made me feel you are having some doubts about yourself just now.

AgentZigzag · 08/07/2011 14:59

I'm the same.

I prefer to see it as being repressed

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2011 15:01

YANBU... Some people are gushing, overdemonstrative types that blub at the slightest thing. The rest of us are sensible, NORMAL people that are perfectly capable of experiencing the full range of emotions & being exceptionally sensitive and caring without going the full Gwynneth Paltrow.

Give it not a second's thought.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 15:07

Whereyouleftit your aren't being harsh but I do wonder why they find me hard hearted I guess I can be blunt at times but I dont think that makes someone hard hearted does it?

I have heart I really do (sob)! I tend to cry alone in bed I dont like crying infront of others . If something happens I can be quite matter of fact about it rather than bring in emotions but I am a nice person and a good listener .
Maybe I should show emotion more I dont want to look like a total cow.

Repressed is a good word Agent .

Betty I get told Im strong a lot but I thats just because I dont cry . I lost three close family members in the space of two years I cried the day they died and never cried again , It really frustrated me at the time as I wanted to cry to get it 'out' but I just couldnt it does make me feel weird that I find it hard to cry.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 08/07/2011 15:13

I used to be too sensitive and emotional, but now I've got a tight rein on them.

It protects me from being hurt so much I think, keeping a bit of distance.

oohjarWhatsit · 08/07/2011 15:14

im the same, very rarely cry and tend to take the practical approach rather than emotional

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/07/2011 15:15

Sweetness - sometimes I worry that I dont cry enough for my mum......i sometimes feel there must be something wrong wrong with me.

I am also known for being "blunt".......

oohjarWhatsit · 08/07/2011 15:18

i dont watch over sentimentalised crap designed to make you cry, like awards shows, or get-your-hand-in-your-wallet type things, but I would be emotional at say footage of families distraught at soldiers bodies being brought back through Wootton Bassett

My sister once said i was hard hearted when i didnt cry at our grandmothers funeral, but to be honest I wasnt close to her and didnt really have any feelings about it

my sister will cry at the drop of a hat lol, so we are all different

BibiBlocksberg · 08/07/2011 15:19

"I tend to cry alone in bed I dont like crying infront of others"

Yup, me too - never could and unlikely to start now. I can't stand people who cry at you at the drop of a hat it just feels so manipulative at times.

Was also awkward when i had counselling for about a year - I swear that effing tissue box got moved closer and closer to me every week. And the counsellor herself got more and more incredulous each visit with her 'but you're so matter of fact about it all, you need to have a good cry'

Errm, not in front of you I don't you tear vulture

Nothing at all wrong with not being one of life's criers (imo) anyway.

Ormirian · 08/07/2011 15:21

I have always been a cri-er but am learning not to so much now.

I am not sure lack of tears ndicates hardness of heart. Actions speak louder than tears IME. And if you do kind things who cares about how people interpret your emotions.

Bluntness however I think needs reining in sometimes. It has it's time and place but IMO that is less often than some people think.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 15:25

BibiBlocksberg tear vulture I bet counsellors hate the non criers of this world.
Maybe you are right some peole just aren't criers and if someone mentions it again that's what I will say it doesnt make us hard hearted (I hope)
Betty I dont think there is anything wrong with you maybe thats just the way you are like me and for some reason we just don't cry but you still feel it the same.

OP posts:

BibiBlocksberg · 08/07/2011 15:32

"I bet counsellors hate the non criers of this world"

I KNOW! I should have just come and talked to you - THIS is very therapeutic unlike the vulture who I swear was getting more peeved with me not sobbing every week.

Almost became like a battle of wills in the end :)

I've been known to cry at the cats simply because they're so buuuuuuddiful so am def. not hard hearted.

Think some people get crying mixed up with empathy at times. Having said that though, if I'm your friend you'll get tea and sympathy for a few weeks and lots of 'there there's' and then I expect positive action to be taken to change the thing being cried about.

mmh, perhaps I ought to re-think the not hard of heart come to think of it.

lookbutdonttouch · 08/07/2011 15:58

I have a heart of stone apparently and get called ice queen by the girly girl types in the office. This is because I don't cry at the drop of a hat, coo over babies or like those hideous chain emails with baby animals in flowers or clothes.

I also, as the name suggests, do not like to be touched.

Doesn't stop me being a damn good friend though for all my iciness !

Ha to tear vulture!!

Original poster

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 16:15

I also, as the name suggests, do not like to be touched me either not even my hair brushed by others I was told this is not normal , now I see it is!

OP posts:

Adversecamber · 08/07/2011 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lookbutdonttouch · 08/07/2011 16:53

Oh its entirely normal! All that huggy kissy stuff - no need.

I can cope with hairdressers touching my hair, but that's it.

Clockchange · 08/07/2011 16:58

It certainly DOESN'T mean you're hardhearted if you rarely cry!

I've been described as "too softhearted for my own good" before and I very rarely cry, it has to be something major. At funerals (I haven't been to that many), I always cry after the event rather than at the time which makes me wonder if people DO see me as hardhearted. I suppose I'm steeling myself to get through the funeral and then the whole thing hits me and I'm in floods of tears that night and next day when I'm alone, just don't feel comfortable displaying that sort of emotion publicly I suppose. It doesn't mean I feel it any less than people who do show it, possibly I feel it more in fact.

BibiBlocksberg · 08/07/2011 17:02

I've come home!!!

I BELONG here!!!! :)

I can't stand being touched either, don't like overly sugary images of animals dressed up or otherwise....etc

A handshake is as good as a hug my dear old mother used to say and I agree!

TheFlyingOnion · 08/07/2011 17:05

another emotionally repressed person here...

even if I wanted to show emotion in front of other people, I just couldn't. My mum occasionally sees it and a DP if we have been together a while.

New DP is freaking me out at the moment as he's really emotional and I just don't know how to deal with it - I find it especially hard to see in a man, which I know is gender stereotype-y of me

springydaffs · 08/07/2011 17:07

Jo Brand did a programme about this, about her not being able to cry. She had a session with Suzie Orbach at one stage during the prog, who was pretty icey with Jo - but that may have been the editing. My sister has a real struggle to cry and yes, I'd say she's hard-hearted, though the two don't necessarily go together.

springydaffs · 08/07/2011 17:10

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00yj18h

Her's Jo talking about the prog on Womens Hour

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/07/2011 17:12

Actually, there was one time I cried in public and guess where it was........bloody zumba!!! What a twat, lol...it wasnt too long after mum died and there was a lady there who reminded me of her. I felt like I had been puched in the gut and blubbed all the way through the warm up...in a very secretive way though and no one noticed!

Thats why I hold it in.........too embarrassing and to me, grief is a private affair

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