Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not appreciate non-resident boyfriend to keep telling me what to do in my own house?

44 replies

JasT1979 · 07/07/2011 10:08

So been seeing someone for around a year but have known him about 3 years. He lives about 10 minutes drive from me so tends to pop in quite a lot on his days off etc. The thing is it's really starting to grate on me the way he keeps trying to boss me around with regards the house saying the grass needs cutting and we "Must" do it this weekend or the back door needs fixing I "must" call the landlord asap. The latest obsession he has is a few mould spores in the bathroom. He says I "must" sort it out. Maybe I should get on with it but AIBU to really resent being told what to do by someone who doesn't even live here? He's even got the anti-mould spray stuff out of the kitchen cupboard for me and left it in the bathroom. I'll do it when I'M ready. It's MY house and I'm an adult!! I don't need lectures on house-keeping from a bloke who thinks it's perfectly normal to keep a basket of over-flowing laundry in the living room and dirty socks on the sofa for days on end!!

AIBU in telling him to just butt out of my house-keeping?

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 07/07/2011 10:09

It sounds like you are being unreasonable to not tell him to butt out of your life!

LindyHemming · 07/07/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JasT1979 · 07/07/2011 10:11

No he definately doesn't want to move in, he tells me on a regular basis how he couldn't stand to live where I live. It's obviously "below" him (despite it being the area where he lived with his ex wife for 15 years!!)

OP posts:
LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 07/07/2011 10:12

Getting you ready for his idea of a wifey???

fuzzpig · 07/07/2011 10:12

Wow, he sounds charming Hmm

Does he tell you what to wear too?

OTheHugeManatee · 07/07/2011 10:13

Tell him if these things bother him he should either ask if you'd like him to do the job for you or STFU and let you manage your own house.

TrillianAstra · 07/07/2011 10:13

If he continues he can be non-resident non-boyfriend.

squeakytoy · 07/07/2011 10:13

Sounds to me like he is trying to be helpful in his own way. The suggestions he has made are reasonable ones in their own right and especially the mould, that shouldnt be left untreated.

Original poster
JasT1979 · 07/07/2011 10:17

squeaky it's not so much suggestions though, rather more like "orders". He goes on and on about things like the bathroom he mentions it every time he comes and I feel like I'm being told off. It's my business, not his.

A suggestion would be like "You know, the mould spores on the bathroom ceiling should be treated as soon as possible"

An order is "have you done the bathroom yet? that needs doing! you can't keep putting it off, here's the spray (hands me spray) "

He doesn't tell me what to wear but does get funny if I wear anything even slightly revealing which grates on me a bit as well.

OP posts:
discobeaver · 07/07/2011 10:19

Sort of agree with Squeaky. Though perhaps he is being a bit of a plonker the way he is going about it, telling you what you must do. He might just be being protective, but perhaps instead of just getting out the spray of anti mould, he could actually do the job thats bothering him?
Or at least say " shall I sort that out?" instead of nagging you.

SquidgyBiscuits · 07/07/2011 10:19

Mmmm he sounds like a right winner.

Seriously, I'd have told him to fuck off mind his own business long ago.

Original poster
JasT1979 · 07/07/2011 10:22

The thing is I lived with a controlling man a few years ago and I love being free of all that having to rush around before he gets in making sure everything has been done to his standard and now I feel it's all happening again. Everytime I know he's coming I tend to rush around making sure certain things have been done. Just today I was thinking "hmm ** is coming later, I should do the bathroom before he gets here" but why should I live like that again??

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/07/2011 10:22

Ah, fair enough now you put it like that..... he does sound rather controlling and overbearing...

I think if I were you I would be weighing up the pros and cons of single life... and if he is trying to dictate what you wear then single life would definately be the better option.

Smellslikecatpee · 07/07/2011 10:24

Get rid now, of him and the mould

MooMooFarm · 07/07/2011 10:25

FFS Jas do you really need to ask? No you shouldn't have to live like that again. You are already on the slippery slope here thinking you "should do the bathroom before he gets here".

Jump ship before it gets any worse, dump him quick and take control of your life back!

AMumInScotland · 07/07/2011 10:26

I think you should be grateful that he has started acting like this now, and not waited until you were living together / married / had a child together. This is who he is, this is what he's like. Do you want a relationship with someone like this or not?

BionicEmu · 07/07/2011 10:29

My MIL is like that. Finally summoned up the courage a couple of months ago to talk back to her. Now if she says "You really need to clean the kitchen floor" I just say "Feel free, the mop's in the utility room." She then either does it or doesn't mention it again, it's a win either way. Grin

Seriously, I think it proves a point without arguing about it.

Grumpla · 07/07/2011 10:30

TrillianAstra is right. Make him an non-resident non-boyfriend - problem solved!

Seriously, WTF?!?!

If he saw that there was the odd little thing around the house that could do with sorting out and offered to help do it for you without making a big deal of it that would be fine. But pointing out your the house's shortcomings and being all weird and passive aggressive about it? Hmm

Bonsoir · 07/07/2011 10:31

He sounds very annoying. What are his redeeming features?

ShoutyHamster · 07/07/2011 10:32

Oh noooooo

Yes it is happening again. Well done on spotting it!

Have a good think why it is that you might continue to be attracted to controlling men. What was it that initially attracted you to him, was it a similar situation to your horrid partner?

In the meantime, have a sit-down chat with him where you tell him in no uncertain terms to Back Off. He like dirty socks on the sofa, you love mould in the bathroom. You don't tell him to sort it so he doesn't get to tell you. Oh and tell him you've clocked the disapproval at certain clothes and tell him next time it's a sacking offence. Tell him you lived with a controller, don't want it again and are quite open to the idea of waiting for someone better than sticking with another controller.

If his response is along the lines of 'I'm sorry but...' then you know to bin him before you waste any more time on him. Seriously. You've been there before so you know Grin

That's the nice advice, but personally I would be moving on right now. Trust your instincts - the signs are all there that he isn't a good 'un long term. My friend married a bloke like this, she saw the signs, had the chats, he promised to clean up his act. Of course by the time she was two kids into the relationship, he was a monster. A messy divorce is now in progress. Seriously, it's easier to be choosier in the first place :)

fuzzpig · 07/07/2011 10:34

I'm no expert, but from the many many many many MN threads I've read before, isn't the criticising what you're wearing quite a red flag?

Also, what would happen if you went to his house and criticised it?

buzzsore · 07/07/2011 10:39

I reckon there's a good few red flags here.

TrillianAstra · 07/07/2011 10:42

Some advice from someone who has been there (not me)

shocked2 · 07/07/2011 10:42

Hi jas1979 - don't waste your delicious hard won freedom on this person - he should make you totally happy all of the time..... just the thought that you have to sort the bathroom before he comes over is enough to get rid of him. My dh is critical as well (our relationship not good) and I would love to live without the "what is he going to criticise next" feeling.... Hold on to your life and happiness!!!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 07/07/2011 10:44

He's a knob. Dump him now while it's easy to do so (he doesn't live with you, no DC with him). And be prepared for the possibility that you might have to get a bit hardline and at least threaten him with the police. This man is a bully and a controlling wanker, and it is not unlikely that he will respond to you telling him he's dumped either with aggression or by telling you that you don't mean it and to stop being so silly because you would be lost without him. Abusive controlling men often feel that you need their permission to end a relationship with them: you don't.
Once he's gone, it would be a good idea to stay single for a while and work out what attracts you to controllers - was your mum or dad one? - and how to stop it happening again.
Best of luck.

Swipe left for the next trending thread