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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want friend to punish her child?

32 replies

jadefox · 06/07/2011 09:16

I was at my friends yesterday and her 8 year old son threatened to kill my 5 year old daughter then tried to strangle my 71/2 year old boy (his 'friend'!!!!) The mother did NOTHING!

I am fecking RAGING as you might expect. My friend has been through the mill a bit recently and cant cope with her sons anger problems, just disolves into tears - he has also attacked her recently as well as other children in the area.

My 2 do not want to be friends with her son anymore, and who could blame them? should I continue keeping in contact or cut my losses and run?

OP posts:

slartybartfast · 06/07/2011 09:19

she has been through the mill and cannot cope - well she made that obvious to you - is she getting any help. can you point her and him in the right direction for his challenging behaviour?

Illegitimate · 06/07/2011 09:22

Why not try to help her get help if she is your friend?

Geepers · 06/07/2011 09:24

You sound like you need anger management. 'Fecking RAGING'?

MoonGirl1981 · 06/07/2011 09:25

Maybe take a step back and not see her for a month or so. See how you feel after that.

I'd be raging too but there's no point confronting her if she's a) going to start crying and b) you're in a temper.

Don't let your kids round there again, especially if they don't want to. They have a right not to be strangled and threatened.

I understand that she's been through a lot and is having trouble coping but yur children need to come first.

buzzsore · 06/07/2011 09:27

I would stop my children from having to play with her ds, but do my best to be supportive and signpost her to any help she needs. Perhaps see her without the children, she needs a friend.

CrapBag · 06/07/2011 09:27

If this boy is threatening your children and they have made it clear they don't want to see him, you should see her without them. YANBU. OK, she has had a tough time but that does not excuse that fact that her son physically attacked one of your children and she did nothing.

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2011 09:29

She needs to find out the reason behind the anger and then ask for a referal to the appropriate service. Is the child like this in school? If it is only an at home problem then that needs to be investigated, it could be a lack of structure/bounderies (which can point to SN as well as ineffective parenting), or there could be other reasons.

Is he watching or playing violent vidoe games?

Punishment may not be the answer, he may be a very unhappy child.

AurraSing · 06/07/2011 09:31

It sounds like she is having a hard time, but I wouldn't want to expose my children to being attacked by her child. Could you meet her without the dc and give her support?

InTheNightKitchen · 06/07/2011 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

jadefox · 06/07/2011 10:18

thanks for all the comments - and yes I guess maybe I do have an anger issue to be raging about it, had a sleepless night but am not driven to madness - honest!

My friend is already seeing a counsellor for issues that she is going through - I think that her son is picking up on these? he has also been referred to a specialist for his anger problems which manifest in all areas of his life, not just at home. He does get to watch (what i would consider) violent videos but I think it goes beyond that. I feel really sorry for both of them, he is actually a lovely wee boy but doesn't seem to know the boundaries, and as a few have said, I need to make sure my 2 are ok.

Will try to continue my friendship with her, although will be hard with the Summer Holidays as kids will always be about. :(

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/07/2011 10:18

Assume you told the boy off yourself at the time? When parents are struggling the way you describe sometimes they appreciate a friend stepping in and supporting them. "It takes a village to raise a child".. etc. If you don't want to go back, that's your call. If you do take your children back to see her, take a very firm line with the child rather than sit back waiting for your friend to act.

GooseyLoosey · 06/07/2011 10:23

I have an 8 year old child who other children do not want to be friends with.

I would above all appreciate honesty from people about what the problems are rather than avoidance which breaks my heart.

I agree that you have to respect your dcs' wishes first and foremost and therefore cannot allow them to play together in an unstructured way. If you want to remain friends - could you tell her that your dcs found her ds a little difficult last time because of his anger and it scared them and then suggest all going to the cinema together - no interaction between the dcs required, but her and her ds are not ostracised.

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2011 11:57

If his behaviour isn't through SN, then you are within your rights to set acceptable bounderies (make sure that they are fair, he has been labled as 'angry', but keep an open mind).

This wil teach your DC about how we allow ourselves to be treated and also teach him that others have the right to decide what is unacceptable treatment. The best thing would be to talk about it as angry children are often frustrated (at this age) and cannot verbalise their feelings.

If you are a good friend then support your friend but it will also benefit her to have bounderies as otherwise you are an enabler. She may need help to realise the impact on her DS or she may not be able to set bounderies through guilt (both not healthy for either of them).

OpinionatedPlusSprogs · 06/07/2011 12:05

I would see her without the kids for a while. Not your kids fault they are having a hard time. Maybe his behaviour will settle down when things improve for them both.

northerngirl41 · 06/07/2011 14:12

I know it's now frowned upon to discipline someone else's child but honestly if someone threatened my children, the mother did nothing, I'd be making darn sure he knew not to do it again. I'm not talking about yelling or spanking or anything like that, you don't need to do that in order to make a child know their behaviour is unacceptable.

It sounds like your friend just hasn't got the energy necessary to discipline him therefore his behaviour is spiralling out of control. You'd be doing her a favour by drawing the line at how he treats your kids.

We have a wild cousin in our family who is between ages with my kids - in the family he is known as "devil child" and has been banned from several houses due to his behaviour which goes unchecked by his parents. However it's really not his fault - he has no clue about how to behave as they don't spend any time with him, and he's never told what's expected. I have him over here quite often and never have any problems with him because he knows what behaviour is unacceptable and what's more he knows I'll enforce punishments if he steps out of line. He can be very sweet if a bit boisterous and does need watching like a hawk. Hard work, but nice to see them all playing together.

It's not obligated for you to put up with this behaviour - you could simply cut them out or see the friend alone for a time. But I suspect there are things you could do to direct his energy in a better way rather than angriness and threats, which would really help his mum.

Omigawd · 06/07/2011 14:33

"If his behaviour isn't through SN, then you are within your rights to set acceptable bounderies (make sure that they are fair, he has been labled as 'angry', but keep an open mind)."

You are within your rights to set boundares if someone is hurting your kids regardless of their "special needs". End of.

Iwould keepmy kids away, and see your friend alone for now.

GooseyLoosey · 06/07/2011 14:35

This is not about setting boundaries. The child has control issues from what we know. Telling them off will not help that child or that parent. Of course you have to keep your own children safe and that must be your primary concern but have some compassion for the mother. If you have not been there you have no idea what it is like and simplistic ideas about discipline won't help.

CrapolaDeVille · 06/07/2011 14:36

I would be raging too if someone was violent to my dcs and their parent did nothing. I would help your friend by suggesting that he has clear boundaries and offering support. Violent games do lead to violent language and actions, in my opinion. Ben 10 and the like are banned from this house and it has made a difference.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2011 14:40

I am fecking RAGING as you might expect

Really? Kids come out with all sorts of crap. Don't go there again if it upsets you or your children.

Omigawd · 06/07/2011 14:44

"This is not about setting boundaries. The child has control issues from what we know. Telling them off will not help that child or that parent."

Which bit of "tried to strangle my 71/2 year old boy (his 'friend'!!!!) The mother did NOTHING!" didn't you get?

Sorry,the rights of my child not to get strangled trumps the rights of the strangler to have control ishoos.

Nuttychic · 06/07/2011 14:45

Omigawd I agree

valiumredhead · 06/07/2011 14:46

Would just like to apologise for my last post and have just realised I missed the bit about trying to strangle the boy!!!!! Keep well away!

GooseyLoosey · 06/07/2011 14:48

I got it all thanks and am clearly of the view that you protect your own children. God help you if you ever have a child like this though - screaming at them may not help.

Pagwatch · 06/07/2011 14:56

Omigawd
I suspect that what bird was trying to say with her " if there are no sn comments" was that the op trying to set boundaries for a child with sn may not be useful or sensible.
You could try to set boundaries but it would make no difference to my son.
That is not the same as his having no boundaries - just that you would make the situation worse.

I am responsible for ds2 as he is incapable of being responsible for himself.

Op. You should not expose your children to this stuff. But you can continue to be a friend to her. Just don't let her child be around yours.

Omigawd · 06/07/2011 15:00

@Pag but I'd probably expect you to step in at an attempted strangulation, if you did not I would be imposing my own (possibly not sensible but most certainly useful) boundaries PDQ.

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