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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the age of 5 old enough to tell ds about his sister

28 replies

AuntiePickleBottom · 05/07/2011 16:48

I think it is the perfect time as they are doing basic family tree's in school.

Dh doesn't have any contact and it will never be possible, however we both agreed never to keep her a secret from our dc, but don't know when to tell them, is 5 too young

OP posts:
5inthebed · 05/07/2011 16:50

Sorry, is his sister adopted?

I think 5 is a great age to learn about this, especially if you don;t want it kept a secret.

lesley33 · 05/07/2011 16:52

No its not too young. Young children can often sense they are not being told something, so it is better they know the truth in an age appropriate manner.

MrsRhettButler · 05/07/2011 16:52

Yes, I personally think 5 is a good age, they are quite accepting at this age and even more so if they are doing family trees

spookshowangel · 05/07/2011 16:53

huh? your husband has a child with someone else that he doesnt see(whole other thread by the sounds of it) and you are wondering when the right time is to tell you kid he has a sister he will probably never see, at least not until they are old enough to get past all there parents crap and meet up for themselves. is that about it???? yeah 5 should be fine the younger the better so it just becomes back ground knowledge and not a big deal.

Original poster
AuntiePickleBottom · 05/07/2011 16:53

No, her mother stopped all contact, but that's a whole other subject

OP posts:
hurricanewyn · 05/07/2011 16:53

Is she DH's daughter from an earlier relationship?

5 is a good age - he'll be more matter of fact about it, and less likely to feel she's some kind of "secret" IYSWIM

spookshowangel · 05/07/2011 16:55

sorry my post sounds quite churlish its just your op is not very information heavy so its a bit confusing as to what is going on.

LaWeasel · 05/07/2011 16:55

He will understand, but probably talk to people at school etc, so if you wanted to keep quiet about it then... well, tbh, they are always going to talk about it anyway.

AuntieMonica · 05/07/2011 16:56

is the DD from a previous relationship?

i would give DS the fact, that he has a SDS, but she lives with her own mummy (or significant adult)

IMO, DCs are still quite 'self-centred' as in as long as it doesn't directly affect them, they aren't really 'into' the whys and wherefores .

hth

DeWe · 05/07/2011 16:58

Dd2 came home in year R saying that one of her friends had a brother in Australia she didn't see much. She proceeded to ask if she had any brother or sisters that she didn't know about/see very often.
She was completely matter of fact about it, almost as though it was to be expected, if anything she was disappointed to find out that our family is quite boring in that respect.

Whitershadeofpale · 05/07/2011 17:04

I think that she should just be part of natural conversation and not a secret at all. I'd definately mention it now but make sure that's not the only time. By that I don't mean forced conversation about her, just naturally part of his background knowledge.

MrsRhettButler · 05/07/2011 17:05

Dd has a sister that dp had lost contact with for various reasons and lives in another country and we had periodically mentioned this to her before but tbh she never really registered it until she wa 5 and also not until we had found her (dp's daughter) again and had a photo to show/messages from her to dd. I don't think dd saw her as 'real' until then

giraffesCantZumba · 05/07/2011 17:06

Much better if they knw things from young and just accept it than that there is some big reveal at 16 and they get angry

5inthebed · 05/07/2011 17:13

Oh right, yeah, I'd tell him.

ivykaty44 · 05/07/2011 17:18

Does your dh have any photos of the sibling - if so get them out after school one afternoon and look through them, he will ask who the child is and then you can explain.

Shame there is no contact between the sibling Sad

purplepidjin · 05/07/2011 17:28

When I was 13 my Gran dropped the bombshell that both my parents had been married before (no dcs) thinking my parents had told me. I was more upset that they hadn't trusted me enough (in my 13yo opinion) to tell me than the fact it had happened. Even though I'd long ago worked out that they'd lived together before they were married (shocking for the seventies)

This sounds like the ideal opportunity to bring the subject up without it being a huge drama like my Gran tried to create!

campingshop · 05/07/2011 17:36

We are in a very similar situation and told our ds at the age of 5 and also showed him the 1 photo that we do have. The only thing that we hadn't anticipated was that he would think that daddy was going to go off to start another (3rd!) family. Once we had reassured him that this wasn't the case all was okay. I'd recommend telling a child early to avoid the big 'reveal' at a later date at all costs.

Original poster
AuntiePickleBottom · 05/07/2011 17:41

We have a few photo's so that's is ones of dsd aged 4 so that a very helpful suggestion, he has the tree to do as homework so we could start with that photo.

We did have supervised contact 4 years ago, but the mother stopped all that and couldn't afford to go back to court a very long story

OP posts:
DodgyTodger · 05/07/2011 17:48

AuntieMonica what is a SDS? She is the boy's half-sister, not step-sister if that's what you meant. It is an important distinction.

stickylittlefingers · 05/07/2011 17:49

we have a similar situation, but with cousins. We have always talked about their existence, but we do get pictures from GPs so there is something to talk about, if that makes sense, not just bringing it up out of nowhere. If the family trees are the "spark", I think it's a good opportunity to explain. For us, we didn't either want to make it an issue we didn't talk about, or an issue that we insisted on talking about IYSWIM.

chillistars · 05/07/2011 17:50

I think you should tell him. It all sounds very sad, but confusing too - to have supervised contact suggests that something was going on. Whatever it was, I hope it doesn't have an impact on your son.

LDNmummy · 05/07/2011 17:59

From personal experience the younger the better. Than way the know the details of the situation and are used to the idea. Then it isnt a shock later.

HelloKlitty · 05/07/2011 17:59

Aunty tell herhim now. My DH was told he had a DD which the Moter had kept entireley secret. We had to tell my DD when we found out...my DD was 4...almost 5.

She just accepted it. Dhs other child lives abroad and my DDs have never met her as the Mother decided that once she'd turned out lives upside down...(DH Fathered her before he met me) that she would not encourage any meetngs or contact.

But we talk about her.

Sarahplane · 05/07/2011 22:04

I think five is quite a good age to tell him but only give as much detail as he wants to know. Explained to dd at five that she has a daddy she lives with and a biological father and she she was very accepted but then said ok you've told me too much now, can I watch cartoons yet?

bubblesincoffee · 05/07/2011 22:20

Tell him, the family tree thing is a great opportunity. You can be very matter of fact and not make a big deal out of it, and he will just grow up knowing that she's out there somewhere. If you are relaxed about it, he will feel able to ask you the questions that will inevitably pop into his head from time to time.

Also, when you start talking about her, don't stop mentioning her. Make a conscious effort to somehow slip her into conversation every so often to help him normalise it.

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