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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have chosen dc5 over DHs happiness

107 replies

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging · 05/07/2011 08:10

I have name changed just so that people can't search my user name.
We have 4dcs, all was going really well until halfway through the pregnancy with dc4 when dh suddenly had a breakdown, wouldn't get out of bed, lost his job etc. A very difficult time we ended up setting up our own business so that we could work together from home and moving hundreds of miles to live near his family. Dc4 is now about to turn one and I am pregnant, it wasn't planned, is our first unplanned pregnancy. Dh has made it clear that he doesn't want the baby, he has said that it is my choice but it really is crystal clear that he doesn't want it. I can't have an abortion I just can't, we have no other reason NOT to have this baby (financially, space etc) dc4 has had very little impact on him in reality because he does so little baby care etc. He is now slipping back into his old ways, today I was in the bathroom being sick and he was banging around saying he couldn't be bothered with it again. I know this will cause his mental health to deteriorate although to what extent i dont know.

I feel as though I have chosen this baby over him now and I'm starting to feel unreasonable since I have never considered abortion at all even though I know he has but am I? If I get pregnant and he KNOWS that I would not consider abortion (and neither would he have up until 2 years ago when he first started with depression) am I unreasonable to then choose to have the baby even if I know it will cause him to deteriorate again?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 05/07/2011 12:31

dreamingbohemian

Erm...read what I said...They need to think about the baby & the outcome that not being wanted will have on it.

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2011 12:32

and I would submit if that happens then it's the parent's fault for not hiding those feelings from the child

That's a hell of a lot to hide.

ZombiePlan · 05/07/2011 12:34

"And that baby, that child, that adult it will become, will not recover from being an unwanted baby."
But it won't be unwanted, will it? Because it will have a mother who thinks it's the best thing ever. And possibly a father that thinks the same - there's no telling what he'll think and feel after he gets his MH issues treated and the baby is here.

And, just to throw a third option into the mix, if he feels that he can't cope with a baby, why isn't he talking about adoption? Even if the OP and her DH decided together that they really can't raise a fifth child, the OP doesn't have to terminate in order to ensure that their family remains at its current size.

Nesbo · 05/07/2011 12:35

One of the horrible things about depression is the perception that your life has slipped out of your control. You feel helpless even though it seems apparent to other people that you can take control. It can be like standing at the bottom of a dark pit and seeing no way out, even if there are ladders and ropes around you!

This guy now sees the prospect of a major life changing event which could be stopped by his partner, but he has no ability to control that decision. I would imagine that it has therefore assumed a huge significance in his mind, as symbolic of the lack of ability he feels he has to steer the course of his own life. It has become a looming reminder of his present sense of helplessness and probably seems all the more dreadful because of it.

Hopefully his reaction is just the depression talking, so that really does need to be tackled as soon as possible to help him come to terms with himself and his new future.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 05/07/2011 12:39

What SGB said.....sounds like everything is about his happiness and needs

MollysChamber · 05/07/2011 12:39

OP has already said that when he is well her DP is against abortion. It is fair to assume that when he is well again he will still be against it. There is no reason to assume that this baby will be unwanted by him when he is back to an even keel. His decision making is currently skewed by his ill health.

BumWiper · 05/07/2011 12:40

different are you trying to project your experience onto the OP's unborn child?
OP I've been thinking about you all morning and I once heard a MH nurse say that depression is contagious.As in the families supporting the one who is ill needs support themselves,or they too can slip into depression from constantly having to be strong.You have taken an awful lot on your shoulders these last couple of years,I'm just wondering if there are any support groups you could attend?

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 05/07/2011 12:43

Shoutyhamster.....all good points also.

As for the comments about the baby being unwanted, not true the baby's mother clearly wants the child

GiveMeSomeSpace · 05/07/2011 12:43

Great post Nesbo bang on the nose

takethisonehereforastart · 05/07/2011 12:44

OP, your DH was already depressed before this pregnancy, so the issue isn't really the baby.

In your heart of hearts do you honestly believe that a termination would solve the problem of his depression?

Because I don't and I think that if you have a termination just to 'fix' him in some way you will live to regret it very much. The pregnancy isn't what 'broke' him so a termination can't 'fix' him.

He needs professional help and I think you need professional support.

cjel · 05/07/2011 13:22

Different. This baby is not unwanted. It is wanted by its mum and probably when its dad is better he will want it too. Depression will be clouding his temporary view. His default view is anti abortion and pro children. Its not the same as your situation.

differentnameforthis · 06/07/2011 00:15

cjel

I beg to differ. The baby, is currently unwanted by it's father.

Should it be born in the hope that daddy will get better one day? What if he doesn't get better?

My mother was talked into having me. It didn't do either of us any good.

differentnameforthis · 06/07/2011 00:18

But it won't be unwanted, will it? Because it will have a mother who thinks it's the best thing ever

I have a father who thinks I am the best thing ever, but that isn't a bad aid over the wound that is left by my mother not wanting me.

It doesn't matters if one parent wants you, all you know is that you are not wanted by the other. That is a very painful existence.

differentnameforthis · 06/07/2011 00:20

different are you trying to project your experience onto the OP's unborn child?

No, trying to get the OP to think about this from all POV.

FloraFox · 06/07/2011 00:52

OP I'm sorry for your position, it really is so difficult. I think a lot of people here are being really harsh on your husband. Five kids is a lot and with a history of depression, it's fair enough that he doesn't want any more children. If you go ahead with the baby and he can't cope, will you be able to cope with all five on your own? On the other hand, do you think he will be able to get on top of the depression? Since he's in the depths of depression now, when he's better he might regret that you had an abortion. You're the only one who can make that call and you probably can't wait until the depression is treated.

FloraFox · 06/07/2011 00:52

OP I'm sorry for your position, it really is so difficult. I think a lot of people here are being really harsh on your husband. Five kids is a lot and with a history of depression, it's fair enough that he doesn't want any more children. If you go ahead with the baby and he can't cope, will you be able to cope with all five on your own? On the other hand, do you think he will be able to get on top of the depression? Since he's in the depths of depression now, when he's better he might regret that you had an abortion. You're the only one who can make that call and you probably can't wait until the depression is treated.

FloraFox · 06/07/2011 00:53

oops, sorry. Don't know how I did that.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/07/2011 01:29

DNFT: There is a great big visceral difference between being unwanted by your father and being unwanted by your mother - though only if this situation remains the same in your childhood, people who may not have been 'wanted' as foetuses but whose parents, or one parent at least, have a change of heart and love them to bits when they arrive probably don't suffer any damage. Because so much of early childcare falls on the mother, being unloved by your mother or feeling unloved by your mother makes much more of an impact than if your father is distant or even if he fucks off.
I am very sorry you had so much pain in your childhood, but I do not think the OP's experiences are the same as yours or that her child's experiences would be the same as yours/.

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/07/2011 07:47

You need to be very confident that if you chose your way that you can handle the existing four chidlren, new baby and financially support them if he chooses not to stay with you for fear his health with go out of control. Given the distance you have moved its likely you dont have your family nearby.

What if he rejects the new baby? Growing up in a house where one parent makes it quite clear you were not wanted would have an enourmous impact on the child.

Not an easy decision and it will affect both adults but sadly it will have the most impact on the four children if it splits the relationship or their father gets very ill.

cjel · 06/07/2011 08:00

Different. I am really sad for your situation and can see it has lasting effect on you but as spring chick, said it is different when mother wants baby, and how ill it effeect other dcs if the mother then spends rest of her life with mental health problems because she was forced into abortion?xx

RottenTiming · 06/07/2011 08:33

This is one of those situations where you need to reverse the circumstances and the answer will be obvious.

If having the dc5 would cause your mental health to deteriorate and you therefore didn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, most posters would be supporting you in having an abortion.

Mental health is just as precious as physical health and can you therefore honestly say that it is OK for you personally to jeopardise your dh's mental health (possibly irreparably) for something that you want but he doesn't. Bollocks to the "he shouldn't have had sex without thinking of the consequences" and "no woman should be forced to have a termination", those arguments are exceptionally weak in your circumstances. You wouldn't be forced but you should be able to rationalise that it is the only sensible option here.

This won't just bring down your dh's mental state, it means a poorer quality of family life for all of you as a result. That's before we even get on to the financial consequences over the next 18 years

CheerfulYank · 06/07/2011 08:34

But what will it do to the OP's mental health to terminate a wanted pregnancy?

RottenTiming · 06/07/2011 10:06

Well CheerfulYank, which of the two has the strongest state of mental health to date ? The OP, right ?

So, weighing things up, which of the two is most likely to bear up best under added mental pressure ?

The OP has four children and is still in her twenties. Now is not the right time and the dc5 was unplanned anyway.

It is likely that the OP has another 10-15 childbearing years ahead of her, so why have another child now when it is clearly going to jeopardise the whole family's emotional and financial well being.

OP can you cope with the responsibility for the potential consequences or as they are possibly 7/8 months ahead are they being subconciously minimised in your mind in comparison to the possible consequences now of having a termination.

Can you get counselling urgently, as a couple, to get through this ?

dreamingbohemian · 06/07/2011 10:23

Rotten, more of us might agree with you if the DH had incurable schizophrenia or the like.

He has depression, for which he is refusing treatment. Instead of trying to alleviate his illness which is the real cause of the family's jeopardised well being, not the pregnancy he is pushing for termination. I think that's pretty selfish.

The OP should not have to undergo an unwanted termination just because she is in better mental health, considering that her husband's MH is only worse because he refuses to seek help.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/07/2011 10:35

It's not even clear that the poxy man has depression - he went to the GP a while back, got some pills and stopped taking them but has been OK ever since, until he suddenly wasn't getting what he wanted. The OP has already turned herself inside out and rearranged the whole family's life around what he wanted. It's time he either got a grip or fucked off.