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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to have chosen dc5 over DHs happiness

107 replies

Finallyworkedoutnamechanging · 05/07/2011 08:10

I have name changed just so that people can't search my user name.
We have 4dcs, all was going really well until halfway through the pregnancy with dc4 when dh suddenly had a breakdown, wouldn't get out of bed, lost his job etc. A very difficult time we ended up setting up our own business so that we could work together from home and moving hundreds of miles to live near his family. Dc4 is now about to turn one and I am pregnant, it wasn't planned, is our first unplanned pregnancy. Dh has made it clear that he doesn't want the baby, he has said that it is my choice but it really is crystal clear that he doesn't want it. I can't have an abortion I just can't, we have no other reason NOT to have this baby (financially, space etc) dc4 has had very little impact on him in reality because he does so little baby care etc. He is now slipping back into his old ways, today I was in the bathroom being sick and he was banging around saying he couldn't be bothered with it again. I know this will cause his mental health to deteriorate although to what extent i dont know.

I feel as though I have chosen this baby over him now and I'm starting to feel unreasonable since I have never considered abortion at all even though I know he has but am I? If I get pregnant and he KNOWS that I would not consider abortion (and neither would he have up until 2 years ago when he first started with depression) am I unreasonable to then choose to have the baby even if I know it will cause him to deteriorate again?

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/07/2011 10:05

This man needs a good kick in the cock, mental illness or not. It sounds to me like he has been selfish all the way through the relationship - he's 'depressed' so he packs in his job and lies in bed all day, the doctor gives him some medicine and he stops taking it but functions fine until he's all of a sudden not getting his own way about something, gets you to spend all your savings on funding a business that he takes most of the profits from...
If you terminate a pregnancy for his sake, it will be the end of your relationship, because you won't be able to forgive him for making you do it. I would also not be at all surprised if, should you terminate, he then 'recovers' from his depression yet blames you for terminating and uses that as another reason to have a little depressive spell the next time he's not getting his own way.

ZombiePlan · 05/07/2011 10:05

Omigawed - in terms if what is best for the other 4 DCs, the answer has got to be whatever is best for the OP's mental health. It sounds as though her DH's mental health is sufficiently fragile to make him unable to care for the family by himself. She needs to consider very carefully the potential MH issues that could result from an unwanted abortion. What if she has a breakdown, or suffers severe depression? The existing DC need at least one adult capable of caring for them on a day to day basis.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 05/07/2011 10:06

It's a bit late to say he should have had a vasectomy, but it's absolutely true. It's exactly what I did to take control of the situation after no4 because I knew I had exceeded the limits of my capacity (bit sad to realise when you thought you were capable of anything). Actually it's not too late - stating the obvious, your DH needs to get the vasectomy done now otherwise you will be looking at no6 before you know it (my god, the thought of that brings me out in a cold sweat)

What's done is done. If you can't imagine going through with an abortion (which I can understand) then that's that and you'll have to work around it. You know you will love the child and he/she will bring you even more joy.

The worst thing you could do now is to ignore the impact this will have on your DH. You need to start planning for it and managing it now otherwise you are heading for a disaster of epic proportions IMO.

Good luck :)

CheerfulYank · 05/07/2011 10:08

I agree with SGB totally.

He's already having mental health issues, and I guarantee you'll have them too if you go along with a termination you don't want.

lachesis · 05/07/2011 10:10

What SGB said. This man needs to get a vasectomy if he doesn't want any more children. I have a feeling hell would freeze over before he does that, however.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 05/07/2011 10:13

oh bless you, as a sufferer of mental health issues I really think that he has 7/8 months to get some support.

they are not every ones idea of support but my friend is a counsellor for a crisis pregnancy charity. She talks every day to people who are facing the nightmare decisions that you and your dh are.

talking to a professional your doctor and his doctor is the best thing to start with, be boring, be straight and firm with him.

I love our relationship, I want our marriage to survive, I can't have a termination and we need to work on whatever we need to do to get things straight.

the baby isn't here yet, you have time. He is probably worried about so many things that he doens't feel able to vocalise, I think it would be a good idea to recognise that things that you can take in your stride can paralyse him with fear.

good luck, keep talking to each other, even if you disagree!

GiveMeSomeSpace · 05/07/2011 10:23

Come on Solid - that's a little harsh. If the guy is in the depths of depression then you must know that he'll be turning in on himself. Agree with you that he's being selfish, but that's one of the biggest things about depression - he won't be able to see that he is being so. This has got to be worked on together and yes, harsh words will probably need to be said. Actually, I probably agree with most of what you've said but just recognise the fragility of the situation having been through it myself.

OP I think you need to get him in front of a counsellor pronto. Maybe go with him to show him you are working on it as a team. And as I said before, work out a plan of action as to how the pressure can be relieved when no5 comes along to show him that it's manageable. And get him to book himself in for the snip!!!

cjel · 05/07/2011 10:24

I agree that your mental health will suffer greatly if you terminate and that won't solve his mh problems. there would be 2 of you running a business with 4 kids and breakdowns. Not good. Don't consider termination as an option. DH needs to get proffessional help and he can be sorted. whether or not he then wants to have 5 dcs at least he is in a good place to make that choice and you won't feel like crap because you did something you will def. regret.I hope you are able to encourage him to see someone. Would any of his family be more able to get him to go?xx

fuzzpig · 05/07/2011 10:40

I am generally in favour of joint decisions in a marriage but when it comes to abortion I do feel it's different because only the woman is carrying the baby. It is totally unthinkable to force you to have a termination, as it's you that has to go through it physically. You already have more of a bond with baby because it is growing inside you, to take that away against your wishes is just wrong, and as many people have said the psychological implications are huge, even if you did choose to abort.

And it did take two to make the baby. He needs a vasectomy really.

I have had depression in varying degrees - including hospitalisation - for half my 24yr life. And one thing I have learned is, just like losing weight or quitting smoking/drink etc, nobody else can cure you - it HAS to come from your DH. Given my history I am sympathetic and I know, believe me, how soul-destroying it is. The strange problem is, depression can be comforting too. It is much much easier to 'wallow in it'. But there has to be a time where the sufferer steps up - with support of course - and gets it sorted.

coccyx · 05/07/2011 10:52

Lot of ignorance about mental illness on here!!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/07/2011 11:06

But he's not lying in bed helplessly depressed yet. He's banging about being obnoxious and threatening to have another depressive spell - after the OP uprooted her whole life and threw all her money into supporting him through the last one. And even though he has not been depressed for a while, he's been doing fuck all WRT housework and childcare. I'm aware that depression makes people selfish, but I think it's worth remembering that some people are selfish anyway and he sounds like one of them.

mumeeee · 05/07/2011 11:46

YANBU. But I feel sorry for both you and your DH. Don't feel guilty you didn't plan to have this. baby. Your DH needs some professional help. "

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2011 11:53

we have no other reason NOT to have this baby (financially, space etc

Your dh not wanting it is not enough? Don't underestimate how much an unwanted child can be resented. Please.

sweetness86 · 05/07/2011 11:57

I really wouldnt terminate the pregnancy you sounds as though you really don't want to and selfish as it sounds sometimes maybe this once you've got to put your own feelings and state of mind first.
Living with someone with mental health problems can really impact the whole family and your OH really does need proper help quickly he owes it to you and the children to get help and maybe try a different medication with less side effects there are lots out there .

sweetness86 · 05/07/2011 11:59

differentnameforthis OP wants to keep this baby so is therefore wanted by her if she aborts this baby she can never take it that back and will probably regret it for the rest of her life and resent OH in the process anyway?

He may recover from the depression he just hasnt had the right help , she wont recover from getting rid of a baby she clearly wants!

Bonsoir · 05/07/2011 12:00

Five children is far too many unless both parents are fully committed to having a large family. YABU.

ThatllDoPig · 05/07/2011 12:04

YANBU Some really good advise on here, hope it helps.
Agree with pingu. The unplanned pregnancy is due to both partners, not just you!

dreamingbohemian · 05/07/2011 12:07

OP, if you do not want to have a termination, please just rule that out now. I am frankly shocked that people here are suggesting you think about it just because your DH can't handle things.

I have had a termination, in practical terms it was 100% the right thing to do but emotionally I had a few doubts leading up to it -- and it ended up being horribly traumatic, really really horrible. I was depressed afterward for a really long time. I only really got over it when I became pregnant again and had DC, although it still upsets me sometimes.

It was that bad for me and I only had a few doubts, if you are really set against it I can only imagine how awful it would be. And if your DH can't handle your morning sickness, how do you think he would cope if you did get depressed? If he won't take care of his own mental health, how would he support you taking care of yours?

If you continue with the pregnancy, and your DH can get some help, then there is every chance that he will come around and be happy about the new baby and things will be okay. If you don't, frankly, I'm not sure you would ever forgive him. So I think you should focus on getting him some help.

Good luck. And congratulations

AuntiePickleBottom · 05/07/2011 12:12

i wouldn't have an abortion, it is something you don't want and will effect you.

i do think your husband will come around to the idea, he may be just still in shock and worried about his own MH problem when the baby arrives.

have you actually talked about the pregnany, and why he want a termination

ShoutyHamster · 05/07/2011 12:12

He may be depressed but he also cannot continue to be allowed to have the entire family, the finances, all the decisions flung this way and that to try (futilely) to accommodate his feelings. Whether they spring from true depression or not.

It just isn't a functioning pattern.

He is part of a family, he has an OBLIGATION to get his health sorted. He needs to get to the doctor and get his mental health in hand. Urgently.

You should NOT have an abortion unless you yourself want one. That way lies trouble which may spell the end of the marriage you are trying so desperately hard to save. And frankly, coming from a man who wouldn't have a vasectomy because he 'might' want more children one day... well sorry, you know what might happen when you're messing around with condoms off. He has no ground to stand on here.

Finally, I don't think your commitment to this relationship is in doubt, OP. You seem to have moved heaven and earth, sacrificed friends, family, and finances to put yourselves in the best position to help HIM. Now, depression or not, I see precious little of that commitment coming back your way. Pressurising someone into a termination (even subtly) is utterly wrong. If he wants to be taken seriously he MUST get proper medical help and commit to getting better. Otherwise, he just begins to sound like a whiny, entitled, selfish, lazy fuckwit. Oh sorry, I mean 'delicate'...

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2011 12:15

I'm not sure my marriage would survive if I felt that my DH had forced me to have an abortion

My mothers marriage didn't survive after she was forced to have me. Neither did our relationship.

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2011 12:17

she wont recover from getting rid of a baby she clearly wants

And that baby, that child, that adult it will become, will not recover from being an unwanted baby.

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2011 12:20

I am not insinuating that op should terminate, btw.

Just that the needs of THREE people need to be seen here. If her dh doesn't want this baby, he may well resent it. Going to the GP for his MI isn't going to fix, or prevent that.

And I just want the op to be sure she can get her child through being unwanted by 1 parent. I'm 37 & being unwanted has affected my whole life.

dreamingbohemian · 05/07/2011 12:25

Er...then what are you insinuating different?

The DH may very well come around if he gets his MH sorted. There is nothing to say the baby will spend its whole life feeling unwanted, and I would submit if that happens then it's the parent's fault for not hiding those feelings from the child.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 05/07/2011 12:27

Agreed Solid. Surely that should say their money :)

OP, YADNBU to want to have the baby even if he doesn't want it. Clearly you are considering his feelings but you have made yours clear all along. I had this exact debate with my wife. The day that said she didn't think she could have an abortion if we had another mishap, was the day I booked myself into Marie Stopes with DW's agreement. If your DH is not doing the same, then surely he's on shaky ground.

Anyway, hope is all goes well :)

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