to be sat here crying

[biddysmama]

i have a 10 month old,a 27 month old and a 9 year old and im 10 weeks pregnant

my 9 year old is in the middle of getting his aspergers diagnosis, i know he has it, teachers,educatuional psychologist knows he has it, all we need is for the peadiatrician to officially say he has it..

he gets no help yet because theres no diagnosis, hes having a really bad time atm, everything is a fight, he wont get up, he wont go to school, school cant handle him, i cant handle him, he wont wash, he wont sit and eat and he wont go to bed at bedtime, every trip out of the house ends in meltdown, he has a meltdown every day, screaming at me that everythings my fault, im horrible,im mean, he wants to play wii, he wants to play out (we live on a busy road and obviously he cant go on his own)

i just feel like i cant cope anymore, no one can help me cos if i send him to stay somewhere he comes back 50x worse, summer holidays are coming up and i am terrified! im his mum, i love him and i should be able to cope but im just exhausted

Every parent with a child with SN isn't saintly but the minuet SN's are mentioned the OP can often do no wrong. I was starting to be picked upon last night until i mentioned i have two DD's with SN and work in the field, people are entitled to opposing views, as long as they are reasonable, of course.

It was also said that it wasn't that simple not to get pregnant, i am female, have worked in social care for 27 years, in my fourties and still fertile, i don't need telling about life.

It may be that the op is simply feeling ovewhelmed with her current situation and needs reassuarance/support.

However, if she is not coping generally then I think the question as to why she is having another baby is a fair one...and that would be the same for any parent, whether their children are NT or not.

Surely we all have to look objectively at our own situations and ask where our limits lie?

the op must be feeling loads better now then,

Birdsgottafly - It must be fun up on your pedestal.

If the OP is going through the DX process then she'll already be doing a lot more than googling "for the basics".

Maybe people put their own situation onto the OP as they are better informed than you and have more experience of a child with SN than you.

Just a thought!

You work in SN Birdsgottafly?

So when you meet parents of more than one child who are struggling with their child's SN, do you tell them "well you shouldn't have had more children then!"

Do you? Does it help when you do?

Baby- the OP was struggling before she became pregnant, why put more pressure on your family and do something that means you cannot give your DS what he needs. Having a baby should be a happy time, parents should enjoy their DC's, why have them if you don't. People put more thought into getting a dog than they often do when getting pregnant.

There's a thread running which a womem is telling her DS that he is a burden, people share their stories about bad parenting and abuse situations, lets remove the pressure for women to reproduce unless they really can parent in the way that they should.

yes but she cant change that now so even if she answered "i wanted more" "contraception failure" or whatever it wouldnt have been conjusive to helping her situation.
And i have just had my happy accident at 43,no its not ideal but it happens and i am a professional female.

Have I missed something?

'The MEN who made her pregnant'
Did the op say she has mulitple baby daddies who are not helping her out.

The 'sending the child away' comments, the OP could mean he goes and stays a GPS for a few days. Lots of kids do that dont they? Mine dont but I believe its fairly common practice.
As for not securing a dx or support for her son - yeah cos that is very easy isnt it? Just a few calls and it will all be sorted, I wonder why the OP hasnt thought of that?

So based on the OP we have her down as a feckless 4x4 who banishes her disabled child and then moans about him when he gets back. She is also probably planning on popping a few more out in the near future (because women like her always pop em out, they dont actually give birth)

I read a tired, hormonal mother who loves her child but is struggling to work out how to cope with his behaviour at this particular time. Perhaps she is only just begining to come to the realisation that her son has a life long condition. It takes time to do that particularly with difficult to dx AS.

My son was 7 before he was dx'd with three different conditions. It took that long. Lots of 'wait and see mum', 'he might catch up mum' 'children are like that mum'

This mum works for a specialist child development team.

FFS the woman is planning to have another baby she is pregnant!

This is why the 'you shouldnt be having more kids' comments are inappropriate. Unless you are suggesting she terminate. Quite a bit of that going on on MN at the moment.

With all your experience in the field birds perhaps you could be making some contstructive suggestions, pointing the op in the right direction for support etc?

Instead of suggesting she puts her pregnant self on three types of birth control.

The way they should?

Or the way you think they should?

You work with familes?

I am a bit scared.

I didn't ask that another poster did and the abuse that she got was uncalled for. I have said numerous times that it should have been better put but i can understand why someone thought it.

I don't work in my paid work with SN i am a CP SW and i go into numerous situations that could have been avoided and whereby people have created some of their own problems. I also see alot of feckless parenting.

I stand by my statement that you need to consider the needs of the whole family and your own coping skills with your families need before embarking on another pregnancy. I was not defending glasses comment but argueing that the following abuse was uncalled for. I don't see the same defence given when obese people, dogg owners, smokers are attacked on here but a parent making bad choices seems to be (unless their male).

Mrs - i as i said, wasn't the one who said that, but none of you built a picture before making up your minds about the situation but attacked a poster who asked a question because it was an SN thread.

I didn't suggest to her that 'she put herself on three types of birth control', it was said to me that avoiding getting pregnant isn't easy, i said that i would personally put myself on triple birth control until i could cope with my DC's needs before having another. But putting words into people's mouths is what often happens on here.

I hadn't posted about the OP's situation, i was just disgusted in the way glasses was attacked, it was against MN rules btw.

Has planned to read all posts, but got sick of the "why have more children" and bitchy comments.
I have 2, yes I said 2 girls with Autism. Before someone jumps on me I had no idea about DD1, when we planned dd2, so go jump

What works for us is alot, and i mean alot of preplanning, introducing one change at a time and lots of trying to work out why they dont want to go somewhere. 7-10years in the age the anxiousness gets alot worse. There will always be a reason they dont want to go somewhere, but it could be from, they dont like 1 child, its too noisey, its too bright, they might get something wrong, they might get lost..... it goes on and on, and may seem so simple to us, but to them its not, the worries are very real and often overwelming :(

please hope across to SN board, theres loads of advice there.

Biddysmama, I really feel for you and hope the diagnosis is given soon and you get all the help you need. I hope with all my heart that with support and help you and all your family will be feeling happy and strong enough to enjoy your new baby when he or she comes.

The reason I am responding is to reccomend a book to you. It's by Charlotte Moore and is called "Sam and George" (or maybe the other way around). She had three sons, two of whom are autistic ...so a more extreme version of your sons SN but related. I absolutely love the book because she doesn't shy away from describing all the difficulties and heartache, yet it's all written with such warmth and love and tenderness. I am sure it will strike a chord with you, help you feel that you are not alone with all the practical issues, and yet be able to laugh and enjoy being a mother of a challenging SN child. Wishing you the very best.

Well in all fairness there comes a time when you have to think about the children you already have, how having a sibling with SN affects/will affect them. How having smaller siblings affects a child with SN, how adding to that number will continue to affect them.

I do understand that you don't stop wanting children just because you have a child with SN already, of course you don't stop feeling that need.

Doesn't mean that you keep having children, just because you can.

And this is true of any parent struggling with children, for whatever reason. SN or not. If you can't cope, think about how adding to your brood will affect that.

babyheave

I too remember being 10 weeks pregnant, there isn't a week I don't remember of either of my pregnancies. That's why I am not having any more. Because I know my limits.

perhaps the reason the op is feeling particularly overwhelmed at the moment is because she is pregnant and dealing with all that entails as well as having to cope with her 9 year old sn. i am interested to learn that having a child with special needs suddenly precludes you from having any more because (shock horror) it could be tough going. my second dd is severally autistic and the tears i shed over the struggles we had, the head banging off the floor in the middle of the road, the biting of random strangers (one time the person tried to shake her off and actually lifted her off the floor by her teeth) the horrible danger she put her self in so you were terrified to sleep. but underneath all that there was/is an amazing child. so when i wanted another there was a real fear of not being able to cope with her needs and quite possibly another sn child and yes being pregnant and having to cope with her needs but we got through just like op will, so i imagine she is having another child because she is really looking forward to all the gifts a new child will bring.

I have 4; ds3 was born after ds1 was diagnosed so we didn;t have a clue but we did with ds4. DS1 & ds3 have diagnoses of ASD; ds4 is being assessed, ds2 for adhd.

There is absolutely zero reason a child with AS will not go on to be a productive working person (not that that's the point for me but anyway...). DS3 is the only one who will not and tbh having an extra sibling may well help as he is closest to ds4 and ds4 is likely to be the one who advocates or even cares for him when I am gone.

I am not going to read rest of it though, becuase you know what? I have got the message of the horribleness and nobody in RL has ever had the guts to say anything like that to us. Why on easrth would I take the opinions of people on a forum who ahve never met my boys; who might not know ds1 is head of school council and vice chair of his house and already planning a business venture for when he turns 16; that ds3 is a kind sensitive soul with a gift for helping people and creatures that he wishes to follow as a career.....

OP come to the SN board but don;t let MN get you down; for every MN Meanie there are ten people in RL who gice a shite.

Also wrt to the ASpergers- I am close to teh end of an MA in Autism; please message me and i will do my best to find ways to help. heck if you re in S E Wales I will come over and help although I know that's unlikely. I will certainly help you contact any homestart local to you (used rto work for them) and can coach you through anything we can come up with for your ds1.

Also

every day it is ahrd with ds1 (who right now is a PITA- hitting teens, in transition) having the othes makes me happy to get out of bed

including ds3 who everybody who knows us describes as a joy.

if ds1 ever moves on I will look at fostering SN kids (link family type thing).

I love my kids and who they are.

"Why shouldn't a woman who hasn't secured a diagnosis or started getting support for her son get picked up on for being pregnant with her fourth whilst having two under three DC's."

Because it is (a) unkind and (b) useless unless you are actually suggesting she has a termination.

Why do you want to give useless advice? Apparently the answer seems to be "Because I can" I can't see any other reason.

This thread leaves a horrible taste in the mouth. I am at so many posters defending each other's rights to be harsh, nasty, unhelpful and unkind to someone having such a difficult time.

Thank goodness for TFMDV, Rusty and other voices of sanity.

OP, I have no experience of your situation but wanted to add my sympathy for what you're dealing with at the moment.

"i just feel like i cant cope anymore, no one can help me cos if i send him to stay somewhere he comes back 50x worse, summer holidays are coming up and i am terrified! im his mum, i love him and i should be able to cope but im just exhausted"

sorry, i didnt mean that i do send him away, i meant i cant send him to anyone for a break,so i dont..i was just thinking about the holidays,6 weeks of no respite and feeling the way i do atm.

thankyou for the advice and support, i'd had a bad day yesterday,i was very tired and probably hormonal, it had been a bad weekend as well and i was exhausted, im usually pretty good but hes going through something atm and we dont know what but hes having a pretty bad time and his lashing out worse than he ever has before, ive been told its a normal stage at this age.

i'm married btw, my husband works full time and does what he can but most of ds1's meltdowns are aimed at me, in the morning when i'm trying to get him to go to school or after school before my husband comes home

this baby i'm pregnant with will make things more difficult and i'm not making excuses, im not a teenage girl, we had a contraceptive failure on our wedding night and i should have known better (for the record, tandem feeding doesnt stop you getting pregnant!)

i'm going to go over to the sen board, ring sure start and try the autism support group i got a letter about this morning (pretty good timing!) and see if they can offer me support before his dx.

thanks again :)

I giuess this is the formal cut off point where mumsnet ceases being a parenting support board.

Going through a hard time shoudl not equal advice to get a termination.

Termination should only be a factor when the mother wishes it. At which point I wholeheartedly support her choice.

but diagnosis is a brief but ahrsh phase that kicks people in the goolies and leaves them gasping for breath as they are temporarily immersed in a world of focussing on negatives. Not only does that pass, but IME a new baby gives you a reason to get positive and not only that, it brought a sense of humanity and love from ds1 I never otherwise seen.