to be sat here crying

[biddysmama]

i have a 10 month old,a 27 month old and a 9 year old and im 10 weeks pregnant

my 9 year old is in the middle of getting his aspergers diagnosis, i know he has it, teachers,educatuional psychologist knows he has it, all we need is for the peadiatrician to officially say he has it..

he gets no help yet because theres no diagnosis, hes having a really bad time atm, everything is a fight, he wont get up, he wont go to school, school cant handle him, i cant handle him, he wont wash, he wont sit and eat and he wont go to bed at bedtime, every trip out of the house ends in meltdown, he has a meltdown every day, screaming at me that everythings my fault, im horrible,im mean, he wants to play wii, he wants to play out (we live on a busy road and obviously he cant go on his own)

i just feel like i cant cope anymore, no one can help me cos if i send him to stay somewhere he comes back 50x worse, summer holidays are coming up and i am terrified! im his mum, i love him and i should be able to cope but im just exhausted

Absolutely the comment would have been made. It was the problem the OP was having coping with the children she had which prompted my comment, not the nature of the particular difficulty the child presents. Nor did anyone suggest that the OP should not have any more children, just as many as she can cope with.

Glasses- it wuld have been better if you had of given constructive advice and then suggested that the OP puts of having any more DC's for a while.

Surely when you decide to have another baby, you consider the impact on the whole family, if you have a disabled child their care needs are greater and your responsibility towards them greater. In some cases they need support throughout their lives, you either cannot give them what they need or they take over and your others can be ignored. There is well documented research on how siblings of disabled children are affected and grow up feeling guilty about resenting the disabled child or the fact that they can achieve more.

But her difficulties at present are being caused by the problems she is having with her 9 year old. Not because she has younger children.

It is entirely possible his behaviour has deteriorated in the last few months and that her early pregnancy is making her feel unable to cope at present

Some of my lowest points have been during the first three months of pregnancy. Doesnt mean I felt like that forever.

Its unlikely the OP will particularly if she gets the right support.

Birds the Op is already 10 weeks pregnant. She can only put off having more children for another 30 weeks and she hasnt mentioned having more after that.

Birdsgottafly, yes in some cases having a sibling with special needs can be hard and there have been studies done - but the term special needs/disabled covers a whole range of different physical and developmental problems, so it doesn't necessarily follow that all siblings of children who have a disability will feel that way.

As TFMDV said, children with special needs go through phases just like any other child, my sister's almost 11 year old ds went through a challenging phase at the same age, they were just different challenges.

Of course you consider your whole family when you decide to have a baby, but what if the baby isn't planned? Its not as clear cut as you might think - just because someone is having a hard time coping at 10 weeks pregnant (when I for one know I would probably also be easily exhausted and highly emotional) with a child that is going through a problematic phase, doesn't mean that she wouldn't/won't be able to cope when things settle down a bit.

Cross posted with TFMDV.

Thats why i said that it would have been better to suggest to the OP to make this her last until things are on an even keel. I have a DD with LD's, and work in the field, i would have loved another child but decided not to because of her needs and the needs of my eldest who has ADHD (very like the OP's son).

The abuse that glasses got was uncalled for, you, as a parent, should provide the best possible environment for your DC's, as possible and if that includes limiting your family size, then that is what you do. She should have waited to ask were the DC's father was, she was wrong to jump in quickly but the name calling was excessive.

The OP is 'sending her son to stay elsewhere', she already has three, im sorry but i would be tripleing my birth control.

The problem i had was with glasses statement 'i count my blessings that i don't have a DC with LD's' that i found insensitive, i consider my DD as a gift, i wish that society was more understanding, of course, but that statement was strong.

Laura IngallsWilder suggested that I count my blessings.. so I told her that indded I do. It was not a comment made out of thin air.

Sorry, mised that bit.

No offence taken!

So someone goes against the grain & voices her opinion & gets called a 'doughball' & a 'nasty bitch'?

Can I suggest that it isn't glasses who is being a nasty bitch?

We are all allowed to voice our opinion, whether you like it or not. Just because you (general you) don't want to hear it, doesn't mean that that poster isn't allowed that opinion.

OP posted in AIBU, and it is well known for it's straight talking. Perhaps OP should be more careful where she posts or learn to accept that people will have an opinion about her circs that she doesn't like.

Oh & she was also called a nasty cow AND an arse...

Lovely people on MN recently.

The op didnt ask for advice on family planning tho,it was one of those mn comments that was totally uncalled for and i can see how it got peoples backs up.It happens all the time someone is already low and askes for advice and the next thing people are giving their two pennys worth on her life.Didnt op she say she was new too?We have all incurred the wrath of aibu when firys posting,she wasnt to know.
Aggree the other comments were also out of line tho.

Actually, I don't think glasses got stick for her opinion, but for the way she expressed it to a poster who was already clearly very upset. If it had been accompanied by any sympathy or helpful advice it would not have raised the same reaction.

Yes, MN is known for it's blunt speaking, but there is a massive difference, which some posters don't seem to get, between helpful blunt advice and useless point-making. Glasses post would have fallen into the former category had the OP said she was trying to conceive, but she is already pregnant, it is unhelpful and unkind - so why bother to make the point at all?

Some posters seem to think that anyone posting in AIBU is 'fair game' - and they have carte blanche to be as nasty as they like - sorry, but this is rubbish, as is clear if you actually bother to read the Talk Guidelines linked to at the top of the page:

"We'd appreciate it if you'd use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk as you would use when speaking to someone face-to-face. Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support"

This applies in AIBU as much as anywhere else on the forum (and, incidentally to some of the language aimed at glasses, however much provocation was felt)

Another point to consider is that as AIBU is so active, it is frequently the first bit of MN that a new poster will find, also that the Special needs topic is hidden from Active Convos unless you specifically turn it on, so many posters, even those who have been here a while, like the OP, may not know it's there, especially as the links to the Topics list are no longer very obvious (click on the words in black 'Mumsnet Talk' at the top of the page)

To the OP - I hope you haven't been scared off by the way this thread has turned, as it does contain a lot of good advice as well -but please do repost in the SN topic, you will find a lot more posters there who have experience of situations similar to yours.

only one post, nowhere does it say she is new.

Maybe glasses saw that op seems to have been struggling for months (reads to me like her son has been out of her control for longer than 10 weeks) yet she still decided to bring a new baby into the mix, therefore just adding to her problems.

There is a lot to be said for knowing your limits.

I count my blessings

All five of them. Even the weird one with ASD and LDs

Dont be silly differentname, everyone knows if life is stressful and you feel its hard to cope having ANOTHER child is the BEST thing to do ever! Durr!

Nobody said its agood idea to have lots of children if you are slready struggling but then again the op didnt ask about that did she?

NO she didn't, ledk. But that doesn't mean that people won't pick up on that!

BimboNo5

Perhaps in RL that is what has been missing, its all very well people jumping in to make excuses but if you are really struggling to the point that you 'are sending your DS away' because you cannot cope, and of course he 'comes back 50+ times worse', as would any child with ASD who is severely disrupted, then you shouldn't be having another child. As i said, im sorry. but i would be tripeling my birth control, you don't produce more children when you are struggling with the ones you have, especially if you have not got good support from the men who are making you pregnant.

The way it was put was wrong but disabled children need commitment or are we going back to the system where we ship them off and have another baby, which was what women were told to do in the days of the institutions (and are still told in parts of Russia, China and other places).

People start threads for all sorts of reasons and are picked up on wether they; claim benefits, live in social housing, their children are overweight etc. Why shouldn't a woman who hasn't secured a diagnosis or started getting support for her son get picked up on for being pregnant with her fourth whilst having two under three DC's.

TBH some posters need to get off MN and at least google for the basics to help their children. The OP may 'need a break' but it is adding to her sons problems. Perhaps it is time for her to approach SS for support.

Two many posters put their own situation on to the OP's in threads without reading with an open mind.

@ BimboNo5????

Is that your level? Grinning at unimaginative sarcastic comments that a teenager might find funny? Do you have any concept at all how unpleasant that makes you look.

Imagine the conversation in real life...

"I'm really struggling"
"Well you shouldn't have had more children then!"
"That's not helpful"
"Dont be silly, everyone knows if life is stressful and you feel its hard to cope having ANOTHER child is the BEST thing to do ever! Durr!"
"Grin - you're so funny"

Written out like that can you see how it makes you look? Its not very nice is it.

I can remember being 10 weeks pg. I was hideously sick, beyond tired and emotional to the extreme. I found it hard to cope, but no one turned around and said "Well you shouldn't have got PG again."

When we discovered DS had aspergers and we were struggling to come to terms with it, no one said "Well why did you have another child then as everyone knows if life is stressful and you feel its hard to cope having ANOTHER child is the BEST thing to do ever! Durr!"

But that's because I know decent, kind and supportive people, not sarcastic childish unpleasant ones.