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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd has left 3 brandnew tops in a changing room....

35 replies

Deaddei · 03/07/2011 13:50

and someone has nicked them.
Bought today in Dps- value £36.
Dh said- "well you should have been carrying them (to me)" as if dd is incapable. She is nearly 15 ffs.
Am I to wander through Kingston like a bloody donkey now, weighed down with everyone's purchases?
Talk about daddy's girl.

OP posts:
JellyBeansOnToast · 03/07/2011 13:57

Are you sure they've been stolen, as opposed to put behind the counter / handed in?

Agreed she should have been more responsible, at nearly 15 she can carry her own bags! Totally not your fault.

Butterbur · 03/07/2011 14:01

If it was DD (13) I wouldn't be replacing them. She needs to learn some responsibility. And a remark like "well you should have been carrying them" would have resulted in the termination of the shopping trip, and a quick walk back to the car.

diddl · 03/07/2011 14:02

I would suggest that your husband carries her bag takes her clothes shopping in future.

Sarsaparilllla · 03/07/2011 14:12

Of course at nearly 15 she's capapble of carrying her own shopping, FFS I'd be livid at that comment

I wouldn't replace them, she needs to learn responsibility for her own things

youarekidding · 03/07/2011 14:13

Sorry but your DH is talking bollocks. She's 15yo, older enough to go shopping alone so definatly old enough to be responsible for her own bags.

Lots of people do it and the loss of said item is the consequence and reminder to be more careful in future.

kaid100 · 03/07/2011 14:15

I think it's better that she learns to keep hold of things now when she's only holding things worth £36 than later when it will be mobile phones or car keys worth a lot more. I agree with the posters that recommend not replacing them.

ledkr · 03/07/2011 14:15

Wtf,what is she then royalty? Is very annoying but it will learn her

Omigawd · 03/07/2011 14:18

Docking pocket money time. And next time Madame goes shopping, DH is the chaperone.....

Original poster
Deaddei · 03/07/2011 14:19

We only realised when we got home....have called the shops we were in but no luck. Also called DP's to make them aware of anyone coming in for fraudulent exchange.
She will certainly not be getting the items replaced.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deaddei · 03/07/2011 14:20

And no allowance this month.
She is now weeping in her room, and promising to do all sorts of chores to make it up to me,
.
What shall I suggest?

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 03/07/2011 14:22

It really is the only way you actually learn though isn't it.

By experiencing the loss.

You have to go through it.

My goodness I used to lose all sorts, they never replaced it, now I lose nowt. I have an inbuilt radar that sort of goes off like an alarm in my head if I don't have something in my hand that I should have picked up.

That's why I try and do "natural consequences" for my (little) children, rather than naughty step or whatever, if the natural consequence is sort of punishment in its own right, its better to let them experience that (as long as their body remains intact!) and learn from it than to stop it happening but whip them onto the naughty step for almost doing something. If that makes sense. There are exceptions of course.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 14:37

I think losing her new things is punishment enough!

oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 14:43

its just an accident, these things happen

i wouldnt beat myself up about it if i had done it, i wouldnt have done it on purpose. Just one of those things

oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 14:44

why are you punishing her? it was an error, not a malicious act

i'd never punish my kids for a mistake

youarekidding · 03/07/2011 14:44

OP who paid for the tops? If she did with her allowance surely taking it away means she loses it twice?

If you paid could you not replace them next weekend and she pays this time?

I totally agree with natural consequences and use this, but as an adult -who's done this-- we can usually replace item after the initial aannoyance has died down. Its replaced at our cost and should be at hers.

RafaNadalIsMyLoveSlave · 03/07/2011 14:46

In this case, I like what Tatty says about natural consequences - your DD has lost the new tops; therefore she has three fewer tops than she would have done between now and the next time she needs (not wants) new tops.

And if she finds she's short of clothes as a result, she has to save up and pay for them herself in the meantime.

That seems enough to me.

Honeydragon · 03/07/2011 14:48

Bloody hell, your Dh Grin

I thought my dh was a nobber for telling me off, for telling ds off for leaving his rucksack in the chip shop with his sports kit in Hmm, and ds is only 8.

Before we went to look, I told ds and couldn't afford to replace his trainers if the bag had been nicked and wasn't there he'd have to give up athletics for the duration. He cried and was bricking himself as to whether it would be there. The relief in his eyes showed me he learnt his lesson.

But, now when I say have we got anything, he checks he has it.

Like others have said better she learns through loss now than later with something really precious.

ledkr · 03/07/2011 14:50

no,no punishment required for dd only dh for his ridiculous attitude

diddl · 03/07/2011 14:53

Well if she didn´t pay for the tops I would now expect her to, but that´s it.

I wouldn´t punish myself if I left something in a shop.

The punishment would be the lost money.

Not sure what DPs will do if someone turns up with the items wanting an exchange though-not if they have the receipt.

Unless you paid by credit or debit card.

FranSanDisco · 03/07/2011 14:55

I agree with those who say we learn through consequences. Dd 10 yo left her new fleece in the swimming pool changing room - it was hanging in front of her face. She told me she had everything, I asked about the fleece and she assured me it was in the car. When we got home she admitted it was missing and I refused to go back and she cried. DH said I was being unfair so I told him to drive her back. He had a Shock face. He took her back and she found it was still there. Whether she had learnt a lesson is debatable but I agree DH's are annoying tossers sometimes.

Longtalljosie · 03/07/2011 16:17

No allowance?! It was a mistake for heavens' sake! I know it's galling, but it could just as well have been you. I can understand the not replacing them so she learns to take better care, but stopping her allowance on top?

Your DH is being ridiculous though.

TrilllianAstra · 03/07/2011 16:26

If you bought them then you had already spent the money.

The consequences for her are that she doesn't get to have any new tops.

If she needs clothes then make her pay for the replacements out of her own money, but just taking her allowance means she is suffering double consequences.

TrilllianAstra · 03/07/2011 16:27

And of course your DH is being moronic.

At 15 she should be perfectly capable oc going shopping on her own without mummy looking after her bags.

bigTillyMint · 03/07/2011 16:41

YADNBU!

When I go shopping with myy DC - 10 and 11, they expect want to carry their own stuff and would make damn sure they didn't leave it anywhere. Infact, I would be more likely to do that Blush

Send your DH shoppiung with her next time!

Dexifehatz · 03/07/2011 16:43

Ledr-I think it will her a lesson.