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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to shut myself and away and cut myself off from family!

41 replies

LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 15:42

So Im 2 days overdue and cannever reach my father on the phone. So after 2 weeks I get some contact to let him know Im near the due date and can he be ready for a call to say baby has arrived. Its important to me he is one of the first to know before other family members/friends/strangers. (this is especially due to something that happened when I was born) Since then we have had nothing but calls up to twice a day asking if anything has happened. Ive now decided not to tell anyone until after she is born and am having a really difficult time. AIBU not to tell anyone anything? I feel like everyone wants to know whats happening with my body and its bloody personal. Also why make an effort to contact now when you never made the effort before? Ive been agitated and upset most days since this has been happening and no longer looking forward to the birth/ days after it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 15:44

and just to add lets not forget the patronising tones of 'you cant put a newborn in a carseat, thats just stupid' Erm yes you can. or 'the hospital cant refuse to let you leave so technicaly you can be kept in for 2 year?' Fuck off and grow up. GRRRR Im venting now, sorry.

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tazmin · 01/07/2011 15:45

so you wanted him to know, and now he keeps checking to see if anything is happening?

whats wrong with that? of course everyone is excited a new baby is on the way, i would more worried if he couldnt give a toss

you sound a bit, no a lot, precious

shrugs and hopes no one in my family ever gets this odd

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 01/07/2011 15:45

You are not alone, when you are at the final stages of pg everyone calls up and asks the daft questions! As if when you are in labour you would phone up all and sundry to tell them the gruesome details Shock well maybe some people would but not really my style Wink, no point in calling before the baby and would just wait until if after - can you put the phone onto answerphone?

Also - everyone loves it when a baby is born, I am afraid from now on don't ever expect a "how are you?" it just doesn't really happen, everyone is far more interested in the new baby! Don't worry they get bored when you give them the low down of nappies, sleepless nights, regurgitation........... Grin

worraliberty · 01/07/2011 15:45

YABU

You didn't like it when he was out of contact...and now you don't like it when he phones once or twice a day? Confused

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 01/07/2011 15:49

Sorry OP I really don't understand your second post Smile
And is it just your father or everyone you know who is calling - that bit I might have got confused on too.

Tazmin - those last few days everyone is allowed to be a touch precious Grin then they get to be pfb about the baby too Wink Grin

Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 15:51

no I wanted him to be the first to know along with my mum before anyone else that baby had arrived. Not for him to ask several times a day if anything had started to happen. It seems he is not doing it for me but for himself. All he needed was to know he is likely to get a phonecall either that miss out on knowing before some stranger does.

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Gooseberrybushes · 01/07/2011 15:51

The next time someone tells you not to put a newborn in a car seat, remind them of the terrible loss one mother suffered on the way home from the hospital. The car door opened, somehow, and the newborn baby fell from the mother's arms onto a motorway. Hell.

Gooseberrybushes · 01/07/2011 15:51

sorry not really relevant to you and your dad but that made me cross

worraliberty · 01/07/2011 15:52

I must admit to being annoyed when DS1 and DS2 were almost 2 weeks late...people would point to my belly and say "Haven't you had that baby yet?"

I'd say "Yes, this is a fucking bowling ball I've shoved up my jumper" Hmm

But now I look back, they were only showing an interest Blush

Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 15:54

sorry its my father who normally says he will ring then doesnt leaving us all worried. He can be childish and its grating on my nerves the stuff he comew out with. A few other people have called too. DP and I feel if you dont have time for us then dont suddenly make time when you want something. And to top it off it was my father who told us there will be arguments when teh baby comes and to make sure people dont bug you!

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worraliberty · 01/07/2011 15:56

DP and I feel if you dont have time for us then dont suddenly make time when you want something

What is it they want?

Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 15:57

Gooseberry made me cross when he said it too. Seems to think he knows better than everyone and has an 'entitled to' attitude that goes with it. Of course it doesnt seem to be the case when he is scamming people which drives me mad.

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Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 16:01

well they never made time to visit us now they want to but its not us and we know it. Just feel like we are being used in a way. I know they are excited but would it have hurt to give us a little in the past? If it wasnt for us and 9 yrs of torment plus thousands on treatment they wouldnt have a baby. I realise it does sound a bit PFB but when I honestly cannot look forward to the next few days/weeks it worries me.

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worraliberty · 01/07/2011 16:04

It sounds extremely PFB to me.

Imagine the alternative...you having a baby and everyone yawns and says "Yeah whatever"

Once the novelty has worn off for people, you may well find yourself complaining that no-one finds your baby as cute as you do.

Just enjoy the interest and concern while it lasts.

hugglymugly · 01/07/2011 16:30

It sounds as though you're dancing to your father's tune - contact happens as and when he decides. You mention that it's important he's one of the first to know because of something that happened in the past. But whatever the situation back then, it shouldn't be something that plays a part in what's going on in your life at the moment.

You should be focussing on yourself and your DP and your baby, not having to pander to someone who seems to be more like a self-absorbed teenager than a sensible adult.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 17:51

what happened when I was born was that a friend of the family visited me in hospital claiming to be my grandparent just to be allowed in to visit. He saw me before my grandfather did because of that. No one was happy about it. I didnt want my dad to be second when it came to knowing my baby had arrived.

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BobbaFettBountyHunter · 01/07/2011 18:15

Ok, that sounds very odd,I thought it was going to be more sinister.

BobbaFettBountyHunter · 01/07/2011 18:16

and just text him first. Simple.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 18:54

would love to text but he cant use a mobile and doesnt have the patience to try despite several attempts when he has asked to be shown.

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worraliberty · 01/07/2011 18:58

Has the fact a family friend saw you before your Grandad bothered your family for all these years? Confused

I can't honestly say it would be a massive deal to me...but each to their own I suppose.

hugglymugly · 01/07/2011 19:00

Are your parents still upset about that relative's behaviour? If it's something that's rankled all these years within the family, then you're to be commended for doing your best to get it right this time.

But you can only do as much as you can and BobbaFett's suggestion is a good one. Tell everyone, including your father, that you won't be taking any more calls, but you will be sending texts/voicemails as soon as there's news. And also that visiting will be according to a set order (set by you and your DP). If necessary, type out a list of who you'll be contacting after the birth, and the list of visitors in order of priority. You don't need to give that list to everyone, just your father (and maybe also your mother) to deal with any concerns given the past history.

Thereafter, it's up to him. If he doesn't respond to the birth announcement in a timely fashion, it'll be clear that he's not that bothered.

I just get a feeling that a guilt trip has been dumped on you, and that what you're trying to do is make up for some bad behaviour that happened when you were a newborn - not your fault, and not your responsibility.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 19:05

I'm sorry, but I think you're being a bit rude here. You wanted to get in touch with him, and now he's actually taking an interest, you want to shut him up. That's not very nice.

So yes, given the circumstances, I think YABU if you decide to tell no one. You'd really be hurting your parents, and I think you realise that. I understand the desire to tell no one, but I think you'd cause so much more upset than you can comprehend right now, and that takes a long time to put right.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 01/07/2011 19:09

You're super sensitive about family relationships because you are about to start the most important relationship for you.

It brings the others into focus. Sorry they weren't/aren't great - you mention therapy.I think there more to this than him knowing first but at least he's trying. Sorry it's not enough Sad

Enjoy your baby and try to start afresh

Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 19:11

I will tell everyone baby is here just not all the grimy details before or during including any midwife appointments I have. Thats my business. I dont see why anyone needs to be informed of that which is what is being asked several times a day.

what happened when I was born has not been mentioned but I contacted my dad to be sure he wasnt left out. Id have felt guitly if I did not try but of all the times I have tried to do things for him this is the only time he has been pushy. It has actually surprised me.

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Original poster
LilQueenie · 01/07/2011 19:12

sorry where do i mention therapy?

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