To have just realised this about being a working mum/working couple

[MrsKravitz]

We are SO ripped off.

Talking with some colleagues at lunch today and we got around to taling about cooking. We were all discussing what we were having for the evening meal when one of the girls asked a male colleague if he cooks.
He looked blankly at us , then grinned and just said "I would but my dinner is always cooked and ready for me when i get home".

I do EXACTLY the same job as this guy. I have to use all my leave for child care and when one of the kids is sick (sometimes dh does but he is self employed so doesnt have leave as such), I get home, put my bag down and cook dinner, clean the house, do homework, bed, reading in bed, get ready for next day, then work a bit. He goes away for working weekends and conferences. I stay and look after my family while dh works on the weekend.

It was like some bizarre and somewhat late realisation. I think its been late coming because I hadnt worked with a man who was exactly in the same job role and level as me before. or I am a bit slow off the mark

I cant even imagine doing what I do now at work and then just walking in to a clean house,have my dinner cooked, kids sorted and just "relax" for the evening.

I want a sahwife.

it's the same as single 18 year olds at work though isn't it

our young 'uns complain that they've worked all week and are tired and they long for the weekend when they can slep and watch dvds for 48 hours

We're making cake this afternoon (live on West Coast America, before you wonder if I'm mad... er....) Lovely pound cake with lovelier icing.... Say no more - it's on its way to you.

BTW - I like Domestic Warrior - will have cards printed with same. Also think I may qualify when you consider that I will make cake with the baby in a front pack and my toddler 'helping'. Jaime Oliver, eat your heart out...

Grrrrr..... (Warrior Roar)

chocolate - if you ever get fed up of your DH will you marry me instead?

May I be a domestic warrior?

I am.

Sort of.

A sherry trifle rather than a chocolate pound cake .

Still, I keep the home-fires burning.

Most joyfully.

pepa you have three, don't you? (children, not cakes....)

I want three (still children...) but if I married you then we'd have six in the house - not sure I can do six?

(Do I still qualify as Domestic Warrior now that have admitted to possible shortcoming on the home front?? )

spider you can be Domestic Warrior too, if you like. (I like trifle... do yours come with hundreds and thousands?)

I must be lucky because DH and I both work but there are plenty of nights when I will come home to find dinner waiting, even if the dishes and the rest of the housework are also waiting. DH says he can't multi task so he will look after DS but not be able to watche him and hoover for some reason.

Unfortunately, I am always home first. Maybe I should stall a bit.

I think I will have to research whether Domestic Warrior may be a more apt job description than SAHM. DH frequently tells me I am drop dead gorgeous and great in bed (when not 7 months pregnant). I am also told I am endlessly intellectually stimulating (or was that infuriating and grumpy?). I do cover all childcare and domestic duties but house is generally a tip and DH has been known to have to resort to the take away menu to feed the family after a hard day at the office. DH still prefers the Ferarri wife to the all purpose family model, so I do not think Catnip is in any way wrongheaded to be giving houseroom to her slightly downtrodden Tomcat.
On a more serious note I think a spell at home concentrating on a new baby is bound to change family dynamics and if she were to insist on her DH picking up the domestic reigns he is likely to use this as the perfect excuse not to pull himself together and get back into the big bad World whether that be through work, volunteering or education.

MrsK, I suggest you call for a Starbucks and a bit of cake on the way home

eke it out a bit with a book, or a magazine

or call for a glass of wine with a friend

sorted

I am a sahm with 4 dcs and dc5 on the way i do about 95% of housework and childcare, not that dh refuses its just that it all done in the day so he just isnt around to help. weekends her does help a little but theres not normally a huge amount to be done anyway.
I enjoy cooking and childcare i hate cleaning though!
when we had 1 or 2 children i think if i was working then it would have been annoying but doable to do housework etc in the evenings weekend but now we have 4 i just dont see how i could fit it all in, the sheer amount of cooking and cleaning and just attention for each seems to take all day/evenings (only one is old enough for school yet). I KNOW people do but i dont think I would be organized enough!

Yes, marriage is generally a better deal for men!

I do work and cook for DH each night. I get home from work earlier than him, and he either cooks so slowly that if he cooked I'd be starving by the time it was ready or he makes things I'd never eat.

Not sure why you are so surprised - look at it from your DH's POV.

Both DH and i work, I found youhave to spend somemoney on getting help - cleaners, nannies etc as otherwise it all gets too much. We have had au-pairs for a few years, they are worth their weight in gold and arent that expensive.

Don't couples generally just share the chores?

DH and I get home from work at the same time. One of us starts making supper while the other helps the DC with their reading and homework. DH always does the dishes. I put the washing on, DH pegs it out the next morning before going to work. We share the cleaning.

Am suprised that this doesn't happen with everyone?

Not by a long chalk Jemima :(

jemima you have to uderstand that not everyone has "usual" working patterns. My dh will be out at 1 am or 3 am, then be in maybe an hour in the day for a rest (not always and when he does he will wash up or something like that) and then will work in the evenings . The hours are sporatic. There can be days where he is out of the house 20 hrs.

Oh Jemima I wish..... So, this week I have been away 3 nights, DH 4 - whichever of us has been home has been leaving the house with DC at 7:45am and getting back, with DC, at 6ish. We both end up working in the evenings. Cooking is done by whoever is there and, like the OP, I (a) wonder what I did with all that time before I had DC and (b) need a SAH'wife'. DH's "when we are rich" fantasy is to have a housekeeper. It's not about shared (or otherwise) chores, although I could and do moan about that, it's about 2 very full time jobs and the resultant chaos at home.

I wonder what time everyone else's kids go to bed. For mine its 7 pm and Dh often isnt home yet.

MrsK - if I am home first and DH is not going to be home until DC are in bed (quite common, but so is the opposite), then I only cook for DC - so who cooks for us is still up for debate once he arrives .

What aliceliddell said - 'So next time someone asks 'Why are there no women artists/judges/Mps/scientists blah blah', we're all going to quote this post.'

catgirl, I hope you don't mind me singling your situation out for response but as someone who suffered a marriage breakdown within a year of having DS (including, I suspect, ex-DH having undiagnosed PND), I'd repeat what other posters have said and say don't leave it til after the birth to get things sorted. You will see that changes need to be made, including him taking responsibility and you spending less time 'mummying' him, doing his chores, plus inevitably less time together as a couple. But, if he is depressed, he may well see the changes as you rejecting him, especially if your love life takes a down turn for a while or, even worse, blame the lack of attention from you on the baby. It's not 'mature' behaviour, I know, but humans, especially depressed ones are far from perfect sadly. Seriously, make the changes before the baby comes.

Strike me some people are mugs tbh, don't put up with this nonsense, tell the men it's an equal partnership or they can fuck off ship out.

MrsKravitz, I do bedtime routine every weeknight with DD and she's asleep by 7.30pm and DH comes home around 8 or 9. We still divvy up the cooking as he loves to cook. It means him and me not eating until 9/9.30 most nights but it's worth it to spend some quality weeknight time together. DD eats at the childminder's at 5pm. Truly, reading many of the comments here I think DPs/DHs need to do more.

I am surprised how many people seem to put up with an unequal partnership. We contribute financially to the household expenses as partners (not 50/50 but in proportion to our incomes) and we both do our fair share around the house. My parents had a very different but still equal partnership (he worked, often long hours, she took care of kids and the house). Why do people tolerate partners who don't pull their weight? I am not saying "leave the bastards" but surely something could be done to even up the balance?

the mugs are the women who facilitate and accept these stereotypical inequalities. if you dont want to be a housewife and employer then dont shoulder all domesticity like a bleeding martyr

op grow a spine,lose the mummy martyr.and stop skivvying about. you facilitate this by undertaking all tasks

get a cleaner
write to do list for your chancer of a husband

My DH goes home to a home cooked meal although I work full time. I just leave early and he takes the kids, I then get home before him so only natural. I would be far too hungry to wait plus I dont think I could cope with his cooking. We need a SAHM in our house. Cleaners just don't cut it because they cost a fortune and only do once a week. It breaks my heart to pay out good money on cleaning that is wrecked within 30 mins of the DCs being home. By the way my sister has a wife who does all the cooking and can put up shelves. So jealous. I think I chose the wrong sexual orientation.

I have a SAHP and yes it is lovely not to have to worry about domestic stuff. But I do also look back to the days when we both worked and had a lot more disposable income and think I would quite happily start to do more cooking/cleaning in return for less worrying about money.