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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just realised this about being a working mum/working couple

129 replies

MrsKravitz · 30/06/2011 17:17

We are SO ripped off.

Talking with some colleagues at lunch today and we got around to taling about cooking. We were all discussing what we were having for the evening meal when one of the girls asked a male colleague if he cooks.
He looked blankly at us , then grinned and just said "I would but my dinner is always cooked and ready for me when i get home".

I do EXACTLY the same job as this guy. I have to use all my leave for child care and when one of the kids is sick (sometimes dh does but he is self employed so doesnt have leave as such), I get home, put my bag down and cook dinner, clean the house, do homework, bed, reading in bed, get ready for next day, then work a bit. He goes away for working weekends and conferences. I stay and look after my family while dh works on the weekend.

It was like some bizarre and somewhat late realisation. I think its been late coming because I hadnt worked with a man who was exactly in the same job role and level as me before. or I am a bit slow off the mark

I cant even imagine doing what I do now at work and then just walking in to a clean house,have my dinner cooked, kids sorted and just "relax" for the evening.

I want a sahwife.

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 18:25

I know its not ideal but the way things are really isnt that much of a problem. We are happy. He is down about the job and not really facing up to it, but it will get better. Yes the baby might make things harder and not be the wake up call I am hoping for, but unless he wants to talk or change I cant do much. I worry for him being down but I dont mind "doing it all" for a while

I am getting a cleaner back soon though whatever he says!

floosiemcwoosie · 30/06/2011 18:25

Its very difficult when you have depression to even get the energy to deal with it.

Is there a project he could do at home to at least start giving him an interest in something? Thinking of getting the nursery read, painting, building cot etc

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 18:34

I am sort of hoping the baby will give him an interest and just be a natural way for things to start changing. It is like a kind, earlier poster said a transistional period the way things are and overall it is a brilliant relationship.

I have to go because, unsurprisingly I have a MOUTAIN of stuff to do :)

peppapighastakenovermylife · 30/06/2011 19:09

MrsK I understand.

It is not the same as having a partner who pulls his weight as you would then still have half the chores to do.

If you have a good stay at home partner who sorts out all the day to day things then your working life is much easier.

Take my colleagues day with a stay at home wife - get up at 7am, go to work, work as long as needs be, not worry about kids, come home, eat cooked meal, maybe put a child to bed, feet up - as had time to do all work during day.

Mine - broken nights sleep, get up at 5.30am, get 3 DC's dressed and out the door, drop 2 to nursery and one to school (15 minutes apart), into work, cant find parking space, rush into office, work condensed day whilst remembering things the kids need, do tesco online order whilst eating sandwich at 'lunch break', leave early, go to shop to get something child needs, rush to school, rush to nursery, get home, deal with 3 over tired children, sort out washing, cleaning etc, cook tea, get DC's into bed. Then sit down and do the 3 hours work I didnt do in the office.

The idea of just not having to take small children places / pick them up and come home to clean house and a meal - well, wow. I wish DH would do it - we could afford it as his salary doesnt even cover childcare costs.

I do not understand why some men disrespect their stay at home partners - I would be kissing their feet at how easy they made my life and how much they helped to further my career which I love.

I fully belive the 'behind every successful man their is a strong woman' line (but would like it gender equal 'behind every successful career there is a stay at home partner')

floosiemcwoosie · 30/06/2011 19:11

Behind every successful man their is a woman rolling her eyes

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 19:11

I am sort of hoping the baby will give him an interest and just be a natural way for things to start changing.

that's a lot of pressure on a baby

a baby needs two functioning parents

I have to go because, unsurprisingly I have a MOUTAIN of stuff to do

I presume you have been at work all day, are pg, and you are tired. And he has played computer games all day. Make a start. Tell him to do the "mountain of stuff" while you put your feet up and chat to us.

queenmaeve · 30/06/2011 19:17

I work part time and dh full time. Who ever is home first starts dinner. Even on one of my off work days I might have have the dc at swimming lessons or something, he will come in from work and start it. Likewise taking days off. ds broke his arm last week and I took the day off, then the next week when he had to attend fracture clinic dh took it off. Thats just the way it is, no big argument, we both know it takes both of use pulling our weight regardeless of whose out working, whose at home or what job we are in.

thefurryone · 30/06/2011 19:20

LRD I assumed that the OP and the colleague earn the same and that the colleague's wife is a SAHM as implied, therefore as her DH works they will have greater household income.

My logic is if both partners work then it makes sense to spend some of the extra household income on the work that a SAHP would be doing, although for most people the majority of this money is spent on childcare leaving very little left over that could be spent on employing other people to run the household.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 30/06/2011 19:32

furry - thanks for replying, sorry, I went away from the thread. I'd read it wrongly - she does say the wife is a SAHM.

(I just came to the thread fresh from lovely comments about how I should be getting my dear DH's dinner ready for him when he walks in the door, so saw the title and went 'rrraaaah for women everywhere'. As you do. Hence the rubbish posting. )

peppapighastakenovermylife · 30/06/2011 19:32

Not necessarily - they may be paying childcare and therefore be worse off (in the short term).

Personalyl I am clinging to the hope that once we have 3 children in school then we can have a cleaner. Hell, we could probably have a full time chef and maid on what childcare costs

Original poster

MrsKravitz · 30/06/2011 19:34

One of my colleagues is paying 4 times my mortgage for childcare

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 19:35

MrsK...does your colleague have 10 children ?

Original poster

MrsKravitz · 30/06/2011 19:36

One

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 19:37

do you have a mortgage on a hen house ?

peppapighastakenovermylife · 30/06/2011 19:48

Our childcare is currently five times our mortgage.

But we are only paying interest only on our mortgage at the moment due to cost of childcare

BsshBossh · 30/06/2011 20:01

I'm confused, why are working mums in a working couple ripped off? Not all of us are. Some of us were lucky enough to have partnered up with men (or women) who pull their weight re housework and childcare. I know many (most?) working mothers do the lion's share of the house/child stuff but more fool them!

Ormirian · 30/06/2011 20:04

I often come home to a cooked meal. It's just not usually very nice

Sod the cooking! I'd rather come to a clean and tidy house and cook my own meal. I'm a much better cook anyway.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 30/06/2011 20:17

No - BsshBossh - we don't mean sharing the housework with a working partner.

If both of you work full time of course the housework etc needs to be done in the evenings (even if you only do half of it)

If you have a stay at home partner who does the housework then you have free time in the evening as it is all done.

BsshBossh · 30/06/2011 20:22

I was only referring to the OP, not successive messages. I thought she was saying working mums are ripped off, she also mentioned a DP who also works but doesn't seem to do much housework/childcare. Perhaps I misunderstood her OP.

MissMarjoribanks · 30/06/2011 20:25

I don't come home to a cooked meal. My DH usually gets home about 15 minutes after me and then gets the tea on, while I entertain a tired and cranky DS. Roles were reversed this evening though, I cooked (badly), DH walked round in circles in the garden with DS. We just deal with the stuff that needs to be done, together.

Surely it's about being equal in a relationship? DH pulls his weight around the house. In fact, he probably does more than I do. I'm sat MNing and he's mowing the lawn at the moment.

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 21:27

and relax!

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 30/06/2011 21:51

I'm a full time SAHM - DH gets home cooked food every day - proper stuff, too, and even cake from time to time (to take to work in natty little tupperware containers ) We have 2 DC - 4 and 1 - and I do all cooking/shopping/laundry (we have a cleaner though). DH does bins/pays bills/kids' baths every night/is full on with the kids at the weekends (i.e. fully present in kids' lives) ....

He's doing really well at work, and I do think part of it is because he has so much support on the home front. It's not fair, I totally get your point....

Do I qualify as an Anti Feminist now (or whatever that ludicrous thread was......?)

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 21:52

no, choc, you qualify as a domestic warrior

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 21:52

ps. I like cake

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 21:54

Ooh i could really eat a nice home made cake now! send some my way chocolate

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