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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just realised this about being a working mum/working couple

129 replies

MrsKravitz · 30/06/2011 17:17

We are SO ripped off.

Talking with some colleagues at lunch today and we got around to taling about cooking. We were all discussing what we were having for the evening meal when one of the girls asked a male colleague if he cooks.
He looked blankly at us , then grinned and just said "I would but my dinner is always cooked and ready for me when i get home".

I do EXACTLY the same job as this guy. I have to use all my leave for child care and when one of the kids is sick (sometimes dh does but he is self employed so doesnt have leave as such), I get home, put my bag down and cook dinner, clean the house, do homework, bed, reading in bed, get ready for next day, then work a bit. He goes away for working weekends and conferences. I stay and look after my family while dh works on the weekend.

It was like some bizarre and somewhat late realisation. I think its been late coming because I hadnt worked with a man who was exactly in the same job role and level as me before. or I am a bit slow off the mark

I cant even imagine doing what I do now at work and then just walking in to a clean house,have my dinner cooked, kids sorted and just "relax" for the evening.

I want a sahwife.

OP posts:

floyjoy · 30/06/2011 18:07

It's just a question of fairness - if two healthy adults work equivalent hours outside the home, then it seems fair that they should share the work at home. Can imagine the shock of being out of work would be pretty bad and I can sympathise. Not saying he's a bad person/partner at all. (No, I don't think you should kick him out!) If he's finding redundancy hard to deal with then he should talk to someone. You're 7 months pregnant and working and you shouldn't have to do all that on your own.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/06/2011 18:09

catgirl, unless you get him to do a bit more, you will be seriously knackered once the baby comes. Not meaning to be the harbinger of doom, but lots of women don't fancy so much sex in the immediate aftermath of having a new baby, so if his primary contribution to the relationship is being a good shag, you might not be getting much out of this in the months to come. Might be handy if he learnt to run a hoover round. Just a thought.

MrsKravitz, I am a SAHM. We have a lot less money than we would have if I was working too, so although my DH sometimes comes home to a cooked meal, he is not getting the luxuries we would have if I was working too. Try not to feel envious of your colleague, as people often present their best face to the world. He might want to give the impression that his life is a bed of roses, but unless you know that you could live on your wage alone and support your family, the chances are a man on the same pay grade with a SAHW and DC will have other pressures that maybe you don't have (financial).

It's swings and roundabouts really. You get benefits to working that a person with a SAHP maybe doesn't have and they get benefits that you maybe don't have. It's just a question of doing what suits your family best and accepting that neither way is totally perfect or without sacrifice.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 18:09

expect it not to change when that baby comes along, I am afraid

you are doing yourself no favours at all

will how he looks after baby "not be to your standard" either ?

I can confidently predict you will have a whacking dose of exhaustion and/or PND by this time next year

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 18:10

last post to catgirl, btw

belgo · 30/06/2011 18:10

catgirl - that's what worries me - things will change when you have the baby but he won't realise this. He will stay exactly the same.

The only reason why things are going along with no problem at the moment is simply because you are not complaining, when you should be complaining.

Obviously it is a problem for you because your reaction strikes me as being very defensive. If it really wasn't a problem you would have shrugged and not cared about what everyone has said.

turdassmuthafukka · 30/06/2011 18:11

What about my poor DH? He has a full time job plus works p/t from home in the evenings. He does all the morning stuff while I do my make up and does most of the hoovering and always does the bins/bathroom. He also does all the DIY and is the only one of us who can drive. Poor bugger! I do cook everything though and I really work hard with the kids during the day.

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 18:11

Tbh - I actually think he is suffering from some low level depression as his confidence took a massive knock losing his job. Not saying that excuses him from housework but...

turdassmuthafukka · 30/06/2011 18:12

Oh and he gets up during the night when the baby cries because I am rubbish without my sleep. Jesus, when I look back over all this, I have just realised I ought to be nicer to him...

belgo · 30/06/2011 18:12

catgirl then you really need to get him help. If he really does have depression then when a new baby comes into the house with all the stress, dirty nappies and screaming, his depression will only get worse possibly a lot worse.

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2011 18:13

Downtime! That's not taking downtime! That's being a selfish, lazy, thoughtless person who is taking advantage of a hardworking, resourceful and pregnant woman!

Seriously, how can you respect him? How can he respect himself?

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 18:14

Well I am tired Belgo but like I say - 14 year relationship - really good, really happy - this is just a rough time on the work front for him and I should make him do more but so far it hasnt seemed important enough.

Journey · 30/06/2011 18:14

I don't get the being a working mum/working couple you're so ripped off. So there is a man in the office doing the same job as you but has a different homelife to yours. Why is that such a big deal? What are you ripped off from?

I agree with worraliberty.

Original poster

MrsKravitz · 30/06/2011 18:15

I do agree karmabeliever :)

Today he came in with litte chocolate brownies, home cooked and in natty little tupperware containers. I had that same jealousy I used to get at school when some of the girls used to come in with perfect packed lunches with home made cake, salad tubs and pinwheels, wraps and perfect sandwiches while I came in with a manky old ham butty clumsily wrapped in foil.
sigh

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/06/2011 18:16

is he getting help with his depression, catgirl ?

I suggest he gets it sorted soon, because when that baby comes you will be very very busy and he will have to take somewhat of a hit in all the mummying you do of him

an absolute recipe for disaster, I am afraid

have a nosy at the Relationships board, it may make you think twice about being so blase that a bloke is walking all over you

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 18:18

I htink depression is too strong a word. He used (a long time ago) to get terrible depression (CPN involved etc) but he has not had any for about 8 years now. But his confidence is really eroded and it has become a bit of a vicious circle really. He won't take any help - he just says "I'll be fine"......

HelloKlitty · 30/06/2011 18:19

LRD how much you earn is nothing to do with it. A partnership is 50/50.

In an ideal world.

floyjoy · 30/06/2011 18:20

He should definitely get help - he's had a major upset in his life with redundancy and things will be disrupted again when the baby arrives. Try and talk to him about seeing his GP and/or thinking about counselling. In my book, sitting at home all day playing computer games and little else signals that something is wrong.

floosiemcwoosie · 30/06/2011 18:21

Catgirl

What happens if you decide you want to be a SAHM? Will the roles be reversed?

belgo · 30/06/2011 18:21

catgirl sometimes it is very hard to see the problem as the wife because you are too close to the situation.

Redundancy, month after month of unemployment, a history of severe depression, sitting at home all day on computer games= depression. Again. Maybe just 'mild' at the moment but mild can become severe very quickly especially when a newborn baby comes into the house.

Your mummying of him may be hiding the symptoms of his depression. Of course he says 'I'm fine' but from what you say, he is not fine.

floyjoy · 30/06/2011 18:22

catgirl - can anyone else speak with him about his situation? Maybe he would listen to someone else?

TattyDevine · 30/06/2011 18:22

I might just go against the grain here with Catgirl's situation based on the length of her relationship and the fact that they are in a transitional period. Sure it could go in various directions good or bad once their baby is there but if you take the situation at face value - now she's explained that they have a difference in standards regarding housework and that she enjoys food shopping etc - its only a problem if its a problem.

If I was made redundant from a well paid job, my husband had previously done a bit more round the house simply because he had higher standards and didn't particularly mind to the extent that it wasn't an issue in our relationship and nothing had been said, and simply because I had been made redundant and was no longer "earning" (despite the fact I had been for the previous 13 years or whatever) and he suddenly laid down the law with a list of menial jobs I had to do that were of no importance to me in order to "qualify" to remain in the relationship, I would be seeking to get out of it ASAP or at least considering where it was going.

If it were a permenant situation, that might be different.

That said I think it slightly unreasonable of her partner to not allow paid help but not do the work of the paid help - he could "allow" one or the other - but I suspect Catgirl could force that issue if it were a very big one.

catgirl1976 · 30/06/2011 18:22

Yeah I know - but getting him to agree he needs help isn't that easy :( I am hoping once the baby comes it will be kind of a new start or something but maybe I am hoping a bit too much there. I have tried to talk to him - like I say we have been together a long time and through all sorts so its not like we don't or can't communicate, but I don't think he is ready to admint the problem yet

Blu · 30/06/2011 18:23

OP - I'm not ripped off.
I work f/t, DP works f/t, we share all domestic and childcare tasks.
You don't nees a sahwife, yu need a partner who pulls his weight.
Not in the same way you do, he clearly has a different working pattern, but he can still pull his weight domestically and as a parent.
And sorry, being self employed is no reason not to cover half the children's sick days. I get realy fed up with that as an employer - female staff take time off while the father's employer gets no disruption..

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 30/06/2011 18:23

i had a SAH-DH for 6 months. Believe me, you wouldn't want the dinner.

I enjoyed the smugness of watching him fail spectacularly, after once telling me flippantly that I just flicked a duster round 10 mins before he got home.

I refused to lift a finger for the first 3 weeks in the evenings, it killed me in some ways but ooooooh what a feeling!

belgo · 30/06/2011 18:24

catgirl - it's worth speaking to the doctor on your own, and getting family/friends to talk to him.

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