exotic we've discussed this at length on other posts so I apologise for the de ja vu experience you'll undoubtedly experience (
) but as yours is a viewpoint that I think many people share, I think it's always worth repeating. I may not be able to change your mind but hopefully discussing the matter will make others think a little harder about the dynamics of an abusive relationship.
Violence is at the very end of the abusive spectrum. It usually follows a significant period of 'grooming', resulting in the victim often being unable to see the violence as 100% wrong and react in an appropriate way. If an abuser hit his girlfriend during their dating period, most women would walk away at that point.
1/3 of abuse beings in pregnancy, when a woman is at her most vulnerable and most likely to try her best to keep the family together for the sake of the child. The 'sake of the child' is often the same reason women stay once children are in the picture. We are often told about the outcomes for single parent families, 'broken britain' etc etc. Because violence tend to be broken up with sometimes quite long periods of 'normality', women are reluctant to subject their children to these outcomes for what they see as something that is only a problem periodically.
You are right about there being 'red flags' that women can spot earlier on, however (hough it is worth bearing in mind that many abusers are very clever and can keep these quite well hidden). I am truly saddened by the amount of women who are not aware of these signs. And this includes intelligent, articulate well-educated and quite often successful career women. I think it's worth asking why so many women (1 in 4) don't spot them before they fall victim.
I believe that part of the reason for this is because of the way some of these red flags are presented in society. They make the current generation of young women particularly vulnerable IMO.
Sometimes the red flags are normalised and made 'sexy' (e.g. violence towards women and the objectification of women being glamorised in music videos. The fact that nearly all adverts for cleaning products feature a woman).
Other times they are presented as desirable (e.g. the man who goes to extreme lengths to demonstrate his love toward the object of his desire - in the film/book/TV she always reciprocates in the end, but in RL this would actually be stalking and seriously creepy). Mad, bad behaviour is sold as exciting and rogues presented as "all they need is the love of a good woman" - this is why so many women still believe the lie that if they could just try harder/be better" he will change.
Parenthood can often turn a relationship very unbalanced. Because of problems with the availability of childcare and the paying of it, many women find themselves being left with no option but to be a SAHM or to take a job that fits around childcare. This can, of course, apply to men too if they are the lower earner and if they want to be the primary carer, but even in 2011 this is unusual compared to the number of women in this situation. In a healthy relationship this can cause problems if money if a problem and if there is a clash of communication. In a relationship where abuse is a factor, it becomes a tool to subjugate the woman even further and this needn't involve any punches being thrown or any name-calling. Yet a woman will often be told how lucky she is to have a DH who can provide for her and the DC, which makes her doubt her own judgment.
Most abusers are adept at manipulation. AFter a long period of grooming they will do something that shows their true colours, and this is actually unlikely to be violence at this stage. It is more likely to be a show of temper or a minor act of controlling behaviour (e.g. insisting on picking you up after a night out 'to check you get home safely' when it's actually about insisting that he knows where you are, who you ar with and can cross-examine for details of the evening). This is the only time when it is easy to walk away, because once this first act is forgiven, the line in the sand has been redrawn and perceptions have changed. The next line can be drawn even further in and the victim might not even notice. Yet how many times are women told "you can't break up a relationship over 'that'". "Major over-reaction!" "Everyone deserves a second chance" "It's not like he hit you or anything"
If an abuser is called on their controlling behaviour, more often they will apologise, then once the victim's anger has subsided they will turn the situation around and say that the woman standing up for herself was bullying him and he was just fighting back against bullying. Because non-bullies don't like to be accused of bullying, the next time there is an argument or disagreement the victim is at such pains to ensure that nothing they say or do is 'bullying' that she are unable to mount an effective defence.
By the time that first punch is thrown, a victim does not have a normal perception of relationships anymore. That's why so many do not leave.
If you have been unfortunate enough to grow up in a household where abuse was a feature while you were a child, your perceptions are even more off to begin with, but everything i've presented above can apply to women brought up in a happy, functional family environment. Modelling good behaviour is not enough to inform people how to avoid bad behaviour.