PrincessJenga - I am only this rational on paper. In real life I would probably be gibbering with incoherent rage by now if I was in Ninja's position. And probably flouncing. Loudly.
Right. Where is Shoutyhamster. We need more hamster input here. But in the meantime, having had this turning over in my mind on my drive across London, and having calmed down a little from my utter rage on your behalf, this is what I would suggest.
It is very easy to say 'don't engage' but I know it is less easy to do when you are in the middle of this sort of emotional situation. I don't get the impression you would be able to sustain a not-discussing-it stance and I am worried that you would be chipped away at until you caved in. So I suggest you put something very firm and very clear in writing/email. If this were me, this is what I would be saying.....
Dear DB's mum
I am putting this in writing as I am beyond angry and beyond hurt about the way I am being treated over this matter. I do not feel able to discuss this matter with you any further on a face-to-face basis while you are taking the stance you have recently chosen to take, but I wish to provide a response to the issues you have raised concerning my financial situation.
I am entirely unable to understand why you would try to assert that the £150,000 loan that I made to DB was in any way an "inheritance payment". This would suggest that I myself received some form of financial inheritance from my father and that part of that was owed to DB. You are perfectly well aware that this is not the case. The family home was a forfeited asset and I chose to purchase it with my own money and with a mortgage in my name. Had I chosen to purchase any other property I doubt that you would be seeking to suggest that I owed DB inheritance money, and had any other stranger purchased the house I cannot possibly imagine that you would have asked them for a share of the equity. DB was no more entitled to a share of the value of my house than I am to a share of the value of his.
The £150,000 was a loan. You know this. DB knows this. I know this. You also know that he defaulted on this loan and did so in such a way that I came close to losing my home while pregnant and he did not even have the care or courtesy to inform me of the situation.
The fact that you are now seeking to suggest that the very large loan of 75% of the equity in my home that I made to DB out of nothing other than love and concern was in some way owed to him is quite frankly deeply insulting. You are, for some reason, trying to minimise the value of the assistance I gave to him and I must, given your current stance, assume that this is to try to persuade me to give DB yet more of my own money on the basis that what I have done so far was nothing more than my duty.
It is quite clear to me that you perceive some sort of financial and moral obligation towards DB on my part. It is also clear to me that you do not, for reasons that I do not understand, feel that I should be allowed to be financially stable when he has failed financially. I do not see that you will be content until every penny and every asset I own has been handed over to DB. I accept that it is natural that you will have more care for your natural son than for me, but given that we have had a good relationship in the past, I find it extraordinarily hurtful that you want me to place myself and my children in the position of having no financial security so that your son can be saved from the stigma of blackmail. It appears to me that you have no real concern for my family situation and that is deeply upsetting.
You are perfectly well aware that I have offered various solutions to DB's business problems and he has rejected every one of these offers. The only acceptable solution in his eyes was for me to give up my job, run his business for him but give all the proceeds directly to him. Surely you can see how completely unreasonable this is? DB has been assisted by me to the tune of £150,000 already and yet he is not coming to me asking for my help and support - he is dictating terms, and terms which no sane person would be prepared to accept.
Furthermore, I have spoken to DB and it is quite clear to me that he is in no state to run a business. Providing him with the financial means to keep the business running would be an appallingly bad idea given his mental health at the current time.
I need to make my position very clear in the hope that we can avoid a complete breakdown in the family relationship. I will not be offering DB any sort of financial loan or payment. I will not be giving him the last of the equity in my home or my one remaining asset. This is an unreasonable request on your part. What I am willing to offer is my professional expertise in helping DB wind his business up in the most favourable way possible and, as always, my total emotional support at this difficult time.
I am not willing to attend the family meeting which you have postponed. I do not think it is appropriate for DB, who is clearly extremely unwell, to sit and listen to you pressurising me and to hear me, his sister, setting out the reasons why I am not willing to give him any more money. Nor do I think it is remotely helpful for him to hear you putting a spin on past events that will allow him to hide from his responsibilities. The priority of the family should be to help him get well and exit this business situation with the minimum of stress.
I will not discuss the issue of a loan or gift to DB any further. Please do not attempt to do so. If you wish to call me to discuss the other ways in which I can help then please do so at any time. But you should be aware that any attempt to raise the issue of a loan or gift will lead to me terminating the telephone conversation immediately. In those circumstances I will be forced to withdraw my offer of any form of assistance as I am not willing to put myself in such a hurtful and distressing situation.
Yours
Ninja