Children who are deemed 'fussy eaters' seem to have no problem hoofing down sugary and fatty foods!

[pingu2209]

I have at least 4 friends whose children are deemed 'fussy eaters'. Whenever they come to play and have a meal with us, the parents/mothers always apologise in advance, during and after at how their children 'eat nothing' and are 'really fussy'.

My house rules are if you don't like something, fine then leave it. However, you don't get a pudding if you don't eat your main meal.

ALL of the so called fussy eaters are given chocolate biscuits or cake or crisps as soon as they get home, then refuse to eat their dinners but their parents allow them a sugary/fatty pudding anyway.

Is the reality that there are no fussy eaters, just parents that let their children develop a taste for junk food and allow them to get away with eating nothing but junk food?

BoysAreLikeDogs

Um, no, I wouldn't cry because I'm still a child (just) whose parents make her dinner. They can make stuff I hate and I still have to eat it. Nicely. Short shrift if there are any long drawn out sighs, let alone tears.Maybe adults have the prerogative to cry but kids without relevant SN should suck it up (literally) and get on with it, not weep about a plate of hot healthy food.

The thing is, I do have a mild sort of hypersensitivity (AS, not autism) and I used to cry and spend hours over a plate of liver, which felt like cut glass in my mouth. My dad was always lax with me but he'd still make me eat it, I'd cry, we'd get over it, I'm not headed for a mental institution because I had some bad mealtimes. At least not for anything to blame on the liver :o I know he was v. worried when he found out I'd been throwing away my lunch at school for eight years, same kind of problems, but I'm not under or overweight, I'm healthy and young so I can gain or lose what weight I want (for now...what a shock lies in store for me!). So even though I had a ready made plausible excuse, I'm still not scarred for life, imagine that. Every case is different.

Besides, there's a big difference between food that hurts and food that just tastes bad to you. It's not just a question of feeding them, it's about discipline and being hard on yourself. I realise I'm being just as smug and silly as the OP saying most of this, sillier because she probably does have kids, but I can see where my parents were coming from now. The OP is talking about children who could perfectly well eat all the boring rabbit food, but are indulged and cossetted by their parents so they just won't. If all across Europe there are nannies and working parents getting their well adjusted kids to shut up and eat, why is it such a struggle in child-centric Britain? I'm patronising you by asking, it's obvious!

Custard was my nemesis.

My mother had to seriously go into school many times when I was small to insist I wasn't forced to eat it. Quite like it now though.

Greenbananas - agree peer pressure works for some and this may be the case- I suppose you would have to look at other areas to see if manipulation is part of relationship between parent/ child.
BTW - unbeknown to DD friend, I gave her mum some in a tub for freezer - apparently DD friend refused it ( not knowing it was what had been eaten by her the week before)..said it wasn't the same ???
I do understand that some children have food phobia / severe allergy.. But as Lesley says... There are others that don't.

merci - yes, my Gran was of the same school and also ended up being obese. As has my father, brought up with the doctrine of having to clear your plate 'because there are starving children in Africa'. (Always puzzled me when my Gran came out with that one - she never explained how eating my horrid brussels sprouts would help starving children...)

I have a friend with fussy eater dd, 3 yo. She stuffs said child with sugary snacks, half an hour before tea and then gets stressed when her DD only messes with her dinner. I have discussed the snacking with her and she says it is so the child eats something, even if it's mainly crisps and sugar.

It is stressful the child not eating, as she is tiny, but otherwise fine.

I often look after her and feel the mums pain because it is stressful when they just won't eat any lunch at all. I feel like I'm not looking after her properly. It's given me some insight into why the snacking happens. But I do think, in this case, a no snacks in the 2 hours before a meal rule, would help. Plus a "never show you care" stance on what they do or don't eat. Easier said then done though.

I was a fussy eater, I think it was a lot to do with being forced to eat school dinners, where I would gag eating lumpy mashed potatoes or overstewed veg.
I eat mashed potatoes now, but am almost phobic about lumps, and even the smell of cabbage and other greens make me gag.
I never forced my ds to eat anything and he was a very fussy eater too.
But at nearly 16 he'll eat most things now.
It's all trial and error, if I won't eat something I don't like why should he?

OMG I can't believe I'd forgotten about this but my uncle (my mother's brother) refused to eat any meat or any items that touched any others on the plate. And that was during the war. I can imagine my gran's distress when he refused to eat the meat that she had saved her rations for or the carrots my grandad had grown because the tip of them had touched something but he would. He would get the same meal put in front of him again and again until it went off. Still wouldn't eat it.

My gran (rip) was the least pandering woman you have ever met in your life. Despite being 5'2", she would fix you with her steely blue eyes and you would do what she said. She took no shit.

So that's that theory blown out of the water then

That must have been really hard, Christine.

YANBU.

I firmly believe that children won't starve themselves, so if they don't eat it, then they can't have been that hungry.

My DD was incredibly fussy as a toddler; and I KNOW how desperate I felt to get her to eat something/anything - but she was healthy, and growing well - so I followed my mothers lead and if she chose not to eat something, she went without. I wouldn't say that she eats everything now, but I certainly wouldn't consider apologising for her when visiting friends.

This works with older kids too - I have seen for my own eyes DSS7 transform from saying "I don't like that" when each meal was put in front of him a year ago (and oh yes, was I pissed off every time he did it ), to walking into the kitchen when I'm cooking and enthusiastically and spontaneously saying it smells yummy, he loves chicken/pesto/butternut or whatever I happen to be cooking. He's here 4 days in every 14, so it's not as if it has to be a total transformation - I know he is fed a "turkey twizzler" diet by his mum, but he now enjoys and appreciates every meal we put in front of him.

I've had children come to visit who refused to eat even the bread I gave them....

I have 3 DC and they all like different kinds of foods which to me is quite normal, we all have likes and dislikes. I make sure that they like at least part of each meal that I cook and I don't really mind how much they eat. There's nothing wrong with plain pasta and cucumber for lunch, even if it's every day! I never make food an issue. But parents who feed their DC junk food/sugary snacks just before a meal are plain stupid! Of course they're not going to eat the meal.

I wasn't there edam :o My mum told me about it when I was moaning about my DS and saying that he was always going to be a weedy little scrote unless he ate more (my uncle is 6'4" so she was trying to give me hope). He is an utter, utter wanker though. I do hope the two aren't connected :(

I was the same lady. I never ate veg until i was pregnant with 1st dd and i found out that i really liked it.

We had dreadful school meals at our school in the 80's. I still boak if i smell dinners cooking.

I dont think i ever ate my school dinner the whole time i was there so i must have missed a meal for years.

Some children genuinely don't have appetites. We were strict with DS's mealtimes. To no avail. We tried the 'eat this meal or don't eat'. He went three days without food .

He just wasn't hungry. It wasn't a case of not eating chocolate but he didn't seem to want to eat anything. So yes, all of those who think it's a parental issue are being very unreasonable.

(I have a DD, who will eat anything - literally anything - had to stop her eating chalk today but I'll save that for another thread).

Pingu, you sound like the one with food issues. From a sample of 4 'fussy' children, you have somehow managed to jump to the conclusion that these children are using food to 'control' and 'manipulate'. How about developing a sense of proportion here.

As for no pudding if you don't eat your main meal, that is using sweets as a reward. You are messing with a child's mind and appetite. I will usually be able to find something my dcs' friends will eat, even if it is just a sandwich. Life's too short for 'eat or starve'.

My dd was so fussy with food, but now she is much better at 7. Food is not and has never been a battleground in my house. She sometimes asks for seconds even. I am sure ds will be the same.

I think for the majority of children, YANBU, although I do agree that some children have severe food issues and need more of a free reign

I strongly believe that a lot of parents give in too quickly and become defensive if challenged. Some of my nieces and nephews eat rubbish all day and night, but I probably wouldn't bother to raise the subject with their parents because I know that they would accuse me of being smug and they'd say I have no idea what they deal with on a day to day basis.

I have heard that you shouldn't say "You can't have pudding unless you finish your meat" because you are reinforcing the idea that meat is unpleasant but the pudding is the reward

I agree I to have a niece who is a "fussy eater " but seems to take no issue with eating a big mac meal yet at 5 she cannot finish a vegetable.

Its amazing when she is not being pandered to and told here you eat what you get or have nothing she eats its all up.

Same as those who won't sleep in their own bed

In my home I cook a meal and if you don't want it you go with out this is not pizza hut their is no menu I will not be cooking more than one meal.

And my view is if their is no room for dinner their is no room for pudding

My mate gives her 3 year old daughter hot dog sausages for breakfast as she says she won't eat cereal

Funny that her son and her don't eat cereal also how dose a 3 decide they want hot dogs for breakfast

"Same as those who won't sleep in their own bed"
Eh??
Is that relevant?

There is a difference between fussy eaters and bad parenting.

My DS1 is fussy, he wretches if he tries to eat any kind of fruit, and most vegetables. So I have to make meals that he will eat, at least some of, or he would go hungry. Rule in my house is that as long as you have eaten something of your main meal you are allowed a pudding, which is a yoghurt or maybe (shock horror) something like an ice lolly.
He is allowed chocolate and crisps and other "junk" things sometimes, but not exclusively and certainly not in place of his proper meal.
I rack my brains and beat myself up so much about his eating and how I could have got it so wrong when I tried so hard. But I'm sure if we were staying with friends and they saw his diet they would assume he is an indulged child. He's not, he's just not punished for not liking food.

Likes lollies just fine

my ds wouldn't eat a big mac or crisps or most sweets ..

I would have been bloody elated if he had eaten a big mac

YABU

My daughter is a very fussy eater - she really only wants to eat plain rice, plain pasta, cucumber, cheese, ham, fruit and bread. She won't touch most stuff you'd consider junk. If you offer her a biscuit she asks for cucumber.

my house rules, what are you doing running a military camp

you are wonderful, here is the pat on the back you are so desperately wanting and a gold star well done you

Riv I have a friend in Goa who runs a school for ASD kids; malnutrition is a huge issue, so it does happen elsewhere.

there's also some scienctific research about super eaters is there not, who are more susceptible to flavours?

DS1 has had treatment for eating disorders, before the age of ten: related to ASD. He is a fussy eater, although he does eat. Ds3 is ASD and eats anything, DS2 eats pretty much anything as well and ds4 eats very little indeed: smoothies, toast, ham, maybe dairy free custard. he will go to maccyDs once a week but he rarely eats any of it, he used to and we are just optimistic that he will start again (his brother sees the trip as a fixed point in his ASD schedule, we'd love to not go tbh).

No, I suspected you weren't there Christine. Was just thinking how hard it must have been for your Grandmother at a time when people really were hungry to see food being refused. (My Godmother was a young mother during WW2 and says people really were HUNGRY for five long years - especially women at home with small children in cities. Not much opportunity to grow your own and no workplace canteens. She gets very irate if she hears ruddy public health specialists who were not there talking about how ruddy healthy everyone was under rationing...)