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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want his parents near me when I'm in labour???

73 replies

MalkieFraser · 26/06/2011 22:57

My 3 year old is tucked up in bed snoozing, the home birth kit is in the living room, I've been having mild contractions every 15 ish mins all night. If dd wakes, I normally settle her within seconds (cuddle, kiss, night night) If dh tries to settle her she goes ape. I don't anticipate full blown labour tonight, but dh wants to phone his parents, who are 30 miles away, and have them on 'standby' to come and whisk dd out of her bed and 'take her away' if things ramp up. I have a neighbour available during the day tomorrow, so I'm pretty relaxed about that, the dd handover would take place out of my way so as not to disturb me, and when the new babe is in arms dh would collect dd as I want her to be the first to meet the new arrival. I do not want his over bearing parents bustling in with her while I'm lying with my baps out enjoying my post labour comedown. He thinks I'm being silly.

OP posts:

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 26/06/2011 22:59

Ask him how he'd like you to invite your parents around if he was wandering around with his tackle out. You need to feel comfortable. Emotional upset/stress can interfere with the labour. You're the one having the baby.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 26/06/2011 23:00

And good luck!

worraliberty · 26/06/2011 23:00

Well to be fair (and I speak as someone who had a home birth with a 3 yr old asleep in his bed)

There is every possibility the baby could come tonight. Therefore, his parents do need a bit of notice if you expect them to come to collect your child.

However, I just asked my Dad to sit in another room on standby in case my 3yr old woke up. He didn't wake up...slept all through until the midwife slammed the door as she left. Then he was able to come into the room with his brother and meet the baby...while my Dad made me the most fantastic cup of tea!

HidinginaHardHat · 26/06/2011 23:01

YABU and a tad precious imo.

pozzled · 26/06/2011 23:01

Can your neighbour have your DD tonight if necessary? I would say you do need to have someone available who can get to you pretty quickly if necessary- there is always the possibility of you needing to transfer in to hospital. Haven't you discussed what will happen if someone is needed to look after DD?

Tryharder · 26/06/2011 23:02

Well, I am sure others will be along soon to tell you YANBU, how dare your ILs want to come and see their new grandchild!

But I have to say I agree with your DH. They are his parents. If they want to pop their head around the door to offer their congrats, see the baby for a few minutes etc, where's the harm? How would you feel if your DH said that your parents weren't welcome around your baby?

ChaoticAngelinLimbo · 26/06/2011 23:03

YADNBU You're the one in labour so you get to call the shots.

Happydogsaddog · 26/06/2011 23:06

I had both of mine in the night (dd2 3.30 ds1 2.30) while others sleeping in next room. It was the nicest thing them waking in the morning to find a new sibling there. No being taken away or uprooted. Keep ILs away. MIL missed dd2 being born as so rapid but I was on edge with DS1 knowing she was in the kitchen. When 2nd MW arrived I heard her say she was nipping outside as it was too hot and shortly after (minutes) ds1 arrived. Cant help but think it wasnt a coincidence. Also try putting one leg on third step of staircase for a few mins then the other. I tried this for stalled labour and helped no end. Good luck with everything. Post on this thread when LO arrives xxxx

Rosemallow · 26/06/2011 23:07

I don't think you're being silly at all.

You have to do what is right for you to have a good birth. The last thing you need is to be worried about having his parents there.

I was in a similarish situation when DS was born: DP's mum was due to look after DD but she was insisting on bringing her partner as she didn't want to be bored while we were in hospital and DD was in bed.
I have only met him a couple of times briefly and didn't want him there while I was in labour etc I said it was fine for him to come over when we'd gone but she was having none of it.

Luckily DP put his foot down and called his dad instead!

It is really important you are comfortable and anxiety-free (especially if his parents are overbearing types) and if you have the neighbour on call surely his parents can come at a later time if needed?

SinicalSal · 26/06/2011 23:08

It's only 30 miles, that's half an hour by car.

A phone call to warn them that it may all kick off and they may be needed is in order, I think, if they can be trusted not to barrel over immediately.

Anyway it's totally up to you. You can be forgiven for being a bit 'forthright' about your wishes when in labour.

skybluepearl · 26/06/2011 23:09

your the one in labour, what you say goes.

Original poster

MalkieFraser · 26/06/2011 23:09

To clarify - his parents aren't our childcare. I have another neighbour who could see to dd at short notice IF she woke up. This is my safe comfy nest, I have stipulated that I do not want ANYBODY interupptng my labour. Precious I may be but my in laws are very overbearing. Fwiw my own parents are dead, this homebirth is partly to cleanse the house with a happy event and erase some sad memories that it holds.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 26/06/2011 23:10

Well from the PIL's point of view, it's a bit rude not to give them any warning at all. I'm sure they'd like to know there's a possibility they may need to get out of bed and travel 30 miles to you in the night.

Nowtspecial · 26/06/2011 23:10

YANBU, I am about to pop myself and want my DD to be first in, frankly he should be most bothered about how you feel, not them, right now.

worraliberty · 26/06/2011 23:11

Sorry, I thought you only had someone available during the day tomorrow?

Who is going to help with childcare if the baby comes tonight?

ChaoticAngelinLimbo · 26/06/2011 23:13

If you have another neighbour who can see to your dd then there is no need to bother the PIL's.

Honeydragon · 26/06/2011 23:15

If they are not needed they don't need to be there is your oh panicing and wants them there for him?

Tryharder she's not saying they can't meet the baby, she doesn't want them with her whilst giving birth.

It's unfair of your oh to move the goalposts at this stage.

pozzled · 26/06/2011 23:16

If your in-laws will definitely not be needed as childcare then YANBU in the slightest and I don't see why your DH is even thinking about phoning them. Make it clear to him that a) you won't need them to come as you will contact the neighbour if you need childcare and b) contacting your in-laws will make you feel uncomfortable, having them around even more so- and your wishes come first!

SinicalSal · 26/06/2011 23:17

if you've got someone else on standby they don't need to know anything. tell your husband to stop going on about it cos they re not coming til it's ll over. Also, text the neighbour now befor it gets too late to warn them it may kick off tonight.

No problem

Good luck

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 26/06/2011 23:17

Sorry to bring that up Malkie. If you have alternative emergency care from a neighbour then I'd not call them. If there's someone across the street why call them on the off chance and risk them turning up and hanging around for hours.

Goodynuff · 26/06/2011 23:19

You are the one giving birth, so your peace of mind comes first. If you have child care on stand by, then the PIL are really just around to have a look, which the can do after it is over and your children have got to meet each other.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 26/06/2011 23:22

If you're having a home birth why on earth does your dd need to be whisked off anywhere? In the unlikely event that you need to be transferred to hospital and your neighbour cannot be roused, take her with you and get the ils to meet you there.

Should your dd wake later, simply settle her as you usually do and the chances are that her new sibling will arrive while she's sound asleep. If not, come the morning, you've got a helpful neighbour on hand to entertain her while you get on with what you've got to do.

Your dd should be the first to meet and greet her sibling and spend quality time with her newly enlarged family without any interference from anyone - and that sounds highly unlikely if you involve her overbearing dgps.

pinklizzie · 26/06/2011 23:25

You are NOT being precious trying to organise the labour you want.

Don't listen to anyone else who says you are being precious. Do your own thing. If you have sorted childcare then all will be ok.

Good luck!

SinicalSal · 26/06/2011 23:28

Precious ffs.
you're only giving birth, back of the queue with you! Let everyone else's delicate little sensibilities come first.

worraliberty · 26/06/2011 23:28

Perhaps it's just me but I read the OP to mean, they have no childcare planned for the night...except the PILs? The OP only mentions the neighbour being available tomorrow.

If this is the case, her DH is not being unreasonable to want to give his parents a little warning about the possible 30 mile journey they may have to make during the night.

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