dh wants dds dla to buy a car , i said no.

[droves]

Aibu . Dd4 has dla payments because she has autism. Its put into her bank account for when she need something , its kept seperate from family money.

DH works part time, i gave up work to become dds full time carer. He keeps his wages to himself .
I get child tax credits, carers allowence , maintenence payments from ex for oldest 3 kids and child benefit payments. these are used to run the home and buy what the children need & want.
I cover all bills except council tax and maintenence payments to dh`s ex wife.

We had two cars . DH had a zafira , which was bought before i learned to drive , was 8 years old. Some of the cost of his zafira was covered by using dd`d dla, because we desperatly needed a car to take her to her special needs school.It was large enough to take the kids out together. He sold it last week for £2000... more than enough to buy a runabout for himself.

My car is a corsa (was £2500 when bought it), also 8 years old the car was bought because dh would not change the insurance on the zafira ,so i could drive it. I needed to be able to get dd to school , so i used some of her dla to buy it.

Dhs argument is that dla paid for my car , so he should be able to get some again for another car.

I said no , because hes already had some of dds money for his last car , which he got rid of because he said it was costing him tooo much money.Hes never paid back any of the money to dd that hes "borrowed".

My argument is that i got my car because dd needs to be taken to school ....he just wants a flashier car ,with a big engine, more than he can afford...and dd doesnt need a car that will just take her dad to work .

So aibu and mean ? or is dh being a twat.

OP my DS is autistic and we get the mobility element of DLA for him as well as the care component. The former pays for a car under the motability scheme.

Does your DD qualify? Not all autistic children do but it might be worth a try. It took me almost a year to get what with the reconsiderations and usual having to appeal, but when I had enough written evidence they accepted it without having to go to tribunal.

The NAS has an excellent guide on routes for qualifying here so if your DD fits the critera, go for it.

Then think about ditching the selfish DH

Dh used some dla money for his last car (which he doesn't really need)
He refused to get you insured on it
He keeps his wages to himself

What exactly does he contribute to family life?

zxeightymum ...thank you for the link .

am sitting here quite depressed now .... might as well tell you , he also asked me a few days before he asked for dds money , how much i could i get on my credit card ? .

told best friend , she told me not to give him any money ...hes taking the piss.

Honestly, I cannot see the point of him at all. He has 2K, why does he need more for an car? What the jeff does he spend his wages on? Why on earth do you let him away with this - you must know its not a normal set up?

I imagine your energies are all used up by looking after 4dc, some (one?) with SN, and I can completely understand you not tackling his behaviour up to now. But surely this is the ideal time to get some things straight and make some big decisions/changes?

I hope you do, you come across as lovely but having a hard time

Hokay - giving your dh the benefit of the doubt and taking on board potential asd tendencies.

point out that the only reason he was able to use some of the dla for his car was because that it was to be used for transporting dd4.

This is no longer the case because your car is now dd4's transport.

He should also be replacing what he borrowed from the dla as the requirement for him to run a car for dd4s benefit is over.

Anything apart from that is a separate issue. Which does need to be addressed but one thing at a time

Best friend is coming round , shes bringing wine .

I need to have a good long chat with dh , hes still at pub , spending his wages no doubt ... .

I am resolute , he will not get any of dd4`s money .

I will not put up with him being a gready selfish twat anymore.

droves dont put yourself down just draw the boundaries! he needs to know his boundaries he is obviously crossing them if you are not entitled to his money then he is not to yours! you cant drive yourself up the wall cos of this!

AmIbeingdaft, DLA covers very expensive equipment sometimes. I have a friend who is blind and had to buy a braille computer that cost over $5,000. The same friend lives in the US, in a state with little public transport in the town, which requires the additional expense of taxis. Special equipment, food, clothing, all of this costs money.

OP, yanbu.

I hope you get this all sorted out hen.

OP, YAdefinitelyNBU. Glad you're realising that.

Isn't there somewhere in the law which stipulates that married people who work have a duty to provide financially for their spouses who don't? I've just seen you're in Scotland, though, so I don't know...

droves why on earth are you pandering to him?, he pays for his other dc? but wants u 2 give him money for a car? tell him to grow a pair man up or fucking do one! what a twat

MrsDrOwenHunt

He actually pays more than he needs to for his other DC while paying nothing for his DC with Droves.

Yanbu I can't believe he would even expect it. I hope you now have things sorted.

yanbu. My sister uses DNephew DLA on a car that is needed to drive him to medical appoinment he can have up to 8 a month sometimes even more. which would cost a huge amount in taxi or she would hae to get a SN pram to go on buses.

Why on earth can't he get a full-time job?! And why haven't you taken that £2,000 back off him?!

I know it's difficult, but your daughter's money is for her, not for either of you. You should be paying back whatever you have taken out of her account.

The charity Cerebra offer a one off grant of up to £500 for private speech therapy. It might be worth looking at for some of you?

www.cerebra.org.uk/English/gethelp/speechandlanguagetherapy/Pages/default.aspx

That speech therapy you are saving your child's dla for could be absolutely critical to her life chances and outcomes - how dare he try and delay/deny his OWN child such important MEDICAL help? That's the true impact of his "want".

If he can't pick up a run about capable of doing a 30 min walk equivalent 2x a day for 2 grand then he needs to get a grip on reality!!!! A grand is plenty for a "run about" if he wants to retain wheels in the hope of getting a better job. For most people flash cars and holidays etc become a thing of the past once a child arrived - disability or no. Tell him this is the real world not some american sitcom.

I personally would ask for the full 2 grand towards the speech therapy so it could start next week - early intervention makes all the difference to autism. He could be a tad less selfish and walk to work for a few months.

Good on you for saving the dla and only using it for the purpose the government intended! Frittering it away on nonsense isn't what we get dla for. It's intended for the child's benefit and sadly the NHS doesn't cover some of the most effective therapies/equipment etc : (

It sounds as if your car breaks down and your daughter is without access to education unless you can afford to have it repaired quickly - something to bear in mind too. Health and education are so important for ALL children.

People without disablities don't always understand the extra costs that can be incurred so please take no notice of those who criticised you further up the thread.

Don't give in and give him any money. He is being an idiot. :(

He turned up late last night steaming drunk. Embarressed himself infront of my friend and made her feel ucomfortable, so she left. .
I told him to got to bed and sleep it off , he refused and decided to smoke at front door . I heard a thud ..hed fallen and was sleeping , i chucked water over him , he came round ,and i told him to go to bed and sleep it off or get out..
Being in a twattish mood he decided to stand on doorstep making faces ....so i locked him out !

I also told him hes not getting dd4`s money , as dd has a car that i drive, she doesnt need 2 .

Other things were said about his general behaviour , and in all he was outside , freezing himself sober in a wet t-shirt for a couple of hours !

eventually i relented and let him in , he went straight to bed...hes still there and no doubt there has to be more said before this is sorted out.

I think he got a shock though.

I would seriously get rid.

What a loser.

Bloody wake him up then! He sounds like a total waste of space

Seriously, what does he bring to your household?

You pay the bills
You care for the children
You manage your DDs needs

He basically sounds like a teenage son - has a part time job, spends all his money on booze and fags, comes home drunk, hassles you for cash?

You are too soft on him, he sounds like a total twat, i hope that you got some of that money from the sock draw. He sounds like a silly adolescent not a responsible adult.

can't believe that someone would want to take money from his SN dd for his own unessesary wants.

I only got dla for the first time this year for my own child so don't yet know ALL the legal ins and outs BUT the impression I've been given is that DLA is a VERY tightly regulated benefit that only gets awarded on production of a very high evidence base from school, medics etc. A very high percentage of first applications fail.

Putting myself in your shoes I'd honestly worry that by giving him dla money to buy what is in effect just a leisure car for his use I'd be putting myself at risk of prosecution for benefit fraud. Teachers etc have been known to report families taking advantage of their disabled kids & rightly so. I'm not sure how high that risk is, but it's one in your shoes I just wouldn't take for a man. The long repercussions of a conviction don't bear thinking about.

There's also something wrong with his attitude to your child compared to the 2 he's paying over the odds on maintenance for. All kids have a right to be regarded equally by their parents with no obvious favoirites. I don't know all the circumstances but at first glance this is raising a red flag for me. He'll go without for them but steal from her? Unless his first children really are in dire straights something just isn't quite right here.