dh wants dds dla to buy a car , i said no.

[droves]

Aibu . Dd4 has dla payments because she has autism. Its put into her bank account for when she need something , its kept seperate from family money.

DH works part time, i gave up work to become dds full time carer. He keeps his wages to himself .
I get child tax credits, carers allowence , maintenence payments from ex for oldest 3 kids and child benefit payments. these are used to run the home and buy what the children need & want.
I cover all bills except council tax and maintenence payments to dh`s ex wife.

We had two cars . DH had a zafira , which was bought before i learned to drive , was 8 years old. Some of the cost of his zafira was covered by using dd`d dla, because we desperatly needed a car to take her to her special needs school.It was large enough to take the kids out together. He sold it last week for £2000... more than enough to buy a runabout for himself.

My car is a corsa (was £2500 when bought it), also 8 years old the car was bought because dh would not change the insurance on the zafira ,so i could drive it. I needed to be able to get dd to school , so i used some of her dla to buy it.

Dhs argument is that dla paid for my car , so he should be able to get some again for another car.

I said no , because hes already had some of dds money for his last car , which he got rid of because he said it was costing him tooo much money.Hes never paid back any of the money to dd that hes "borrowed".

My argument is that i got my car because dd needs to be taken to school ....he just wants a flashier car ,with a big engine, more than he can afford...and dd doesnt need a car that will just take her dad to work .

So aibu and mean ? or is dh being a twat.

Take £1000 then if he goes mental remind him he used sone I'd DD money to buy that car.

he needs a car to work, well ok it's easier to work with a car, so it does benefit DD indirectly and I don't think it's wrong to buy a car with her DLA money...

except, he has enough money for a car, having a better car doesn't benefit your DD at all, so I'd say no as well

I can see why you are keeping his money separate (so he can't spend yours), but in that case, he should be contributing towards 'housekeeping'. It also sounds like he doesn't need a car at all, so perhaps you could all go on holiday with the £2000 .

Well , tbh the way i see it is , the car i drive is dd4`s taxi ! , shes the one who needs it ... if she didnt need to go to the school shes at then she would be at the local primary thats 5 mins walk way.

If i didnt have dd would never have bothered with a car at all !
I spent 33 years without one and managed ok

DD2 DLA pays for her specialist autism nursery at £42.50 a session (3 hours) and DD1 pays for her riding therapy and art supplies. DLA is their money, for their extra needs, not for parents to spend on flashy cars.

TBH OP, your husband sounds like an arse. I gave put my job t care for my two girls, and he has a very good job that pays well but as a married couple, we pay the bills, and split the rest. Some months it isnt 50/50, if he needs new suit, or i have a night out with friends, and we are a couple, we are married, both the girls are his and therefore his money is OUR money, and thats it.

I second taking the money and putting it in dd's bank

The whole way you (him, in particular) make decisions sounds very piecemeal and illogical.

So rather than spend £200 to change insurance companies to out you on the insurance of the one car which would fit all the family, you go out and spend £2.5k on a second car with it's own set of insurance and other costs?

He needs to see you all as one family unit, with one objective, and all pulling together for the good of everyone else.

Of course it's hard to live on a reduced income, it's hard to adjust to f/t care of a disabled child, too.

Decisions, money, responsibility - all need to be shared as a team.

Wanting to soend his dd's DLA on a flash car he doesn't need is pretty contemptuous, really.

Holiday ? i think i remember what that is ?

Im sure i had one in 1996 ...or thereabouts .

DC have never had a holiday

blu . i know your right , i just got sick of him trying to see sence and fed up with the arguing /pleading ,so got my own car.

It wasnt a great financial decision , but i had to get dd to school somehow , as dh`s shifts at work had changed times.

Forget my earlier post, he sounds like a twat.

What exactly does he do for your family?

so the car that YOU drive is used to take your dd to school and transport her about, why the hell should your dh use her DLA to buy himself a car . The rest of that money should go towards his dd and her needs what a selfish arse.

sometimes i do think dh lives in his own wee planet ! , i wonder if thats where dds asd came from ?

Obviously you take the money from the sock drawer he borrowed originally.

It's your daughters.

Netto , nothing i cant do myself actually .

he he he my dh is the same, he has lots of 'Autistic' ttype traits. Likes to be a recluse, does not like socialising, and does not like visitors to the home, and hates spontenaity, I wonder if dd got her ASD from him

Likes to be a recluse, does not like socialising, and does not like visitors to the home, and hates spontenaity

Sounds a bit like me and DS is being assessed for ASD.

He is a lovely person but likes to have routine and predictibility

In fact if we do have visitors over (dd does not like new people in our home) she will tell them to go home, and I see dh winking and smiling (like that's my girl sort of thing) blush.

Piglet , does your dh remember every car numberplate ? dh knows the ones his dad used to own from when he was a child . And every postcode and phonenumber of every house hes ever lived in ?

Dont get me started on possesion obsession.

Oh wow, no I don't think so, but my dad used to have a friend like that, now I guess he would be classed as being Autistic, he used to be a statistician for the Institute of Psychiatry and used to do complex mental arithmatic, he knew the london underground map like the back of his hand and was very eccentric and did not have good social skills at all. Dh is very good in maths, and problem solving, he holds down a good job as a software engineer and is the one in our family who drives (I failed my tests misrabley). He does have his obsessions though, he is now collecting sci fi memrobelia and books, and have to remind him that he has to pay for dd uniform instead of buying autographs

I have a phone book inside my head. Once I've dialled a number I rarely have to look it up.
I can remember every post code and phone number I've had.
I can remember every car registration plate from my dad's to the ones I've had in adulthood.

That sounds like dh ...brilliant but can be stupidly thoughtless at times.

Can do mental maths faster than a calculator .Even hard maths.
Can fix just about anything.
Is quite ritualistic himself ....needs to sit in same seat for dinner
needs to eat at set time
Sometimes amazes me , sometimes frustrates me.

complete utter nonsense my patner has part time job we have ds with autism we share his care but not money ! he pays for all the bills his wages is family's running cost! dla pays for my sons sensory equipment, speech therapy, chiropractic appointments, and contribution to his nursery fees! not used for anything else my dp wants car we are saving! not my sons dla for that he will be working extra hours so he can save for t he car! i dont work becuase i take care of both children plus disabled mum and gran i only get carers for my son! so he needs to get a full time job!

Nadia , im going to show dh this thread , your post in particular !.
I think he will see what a twat hes been after reading it.

thank you .

OP he is, as everyone has rightly said, a twat. More for the fact that you currently pay for everything. You really need to get that sorted.

As far as the comments about getting too much benefit go. The OP only gets one means-tested benefit (tax credits) probably because her DH only works part time, which she has said is not by choice.
The other benefits we all get (child benefit) and those given to carers and disabled children irrespective of income, because being disabled is EXPENSIVE.

If the OP is careful enough to be able to save the DLA money (and a lot wouldn't, they'd just by more expensive clothes, a better car etc) then when her DD needs something she can buy it. Makes perfect sense to me.

with ds and asd you never know when you might need money it's best saved! you dont ever have to regret that when you most need it you didnt have it to give the dd what she really needed (euipqment,therapy any form of intervention) at that time! our childrens behaviours can change and interventions cost money! such as private speech therapy! it cost ridiculous amount of money! we could never pay for it if my ds didnt get dla.