to be totally wound up and pissed off....very very very long story (sorry)

[Stars82]

Ok I need to set the scene for ya

I work in the care industry, we are often subjected to many forms of abuse (not just from those we are care for either) We get bitten, scratched, sworn at, punched, and recieve an abundance of verbal abuse....

I was involved in an incident today which has been playing on my mind at little...

All names have been changed
CAPITALS are used for the raised voices in the convo

Bad timing is a particular bug bare of mine, I detest being late for anything. I arrived at Bett and Bills at 0923 (for a 0930 call)

I went into the house and greeted them in a polite, happy and professional manner only to be greeted back with moans and looks of disgust, general rudeness (not unusual sometimes). The convo is as follows

Bill: You are very early stars
Me: only 5 minutes, my sheet say 0930
Bill: (huffs and pants, clearly pissed off) It is meant to be 0945 on a Friday
Me: honestly Bill I am not lying (shows my sheet)
Bill: Don't care what it says on there it is 0945, Our breakfast is going to be ruined now
Me: sorry bill but seen as I don;t come here regulary I am unaware of betts particular timings, I just follow my sheet. I will wait until 0930 and if 2nd carer doesn't arrive I will call office and wait in the car (getting a little wound up at this point)
Bill: THE OFFICE BLOODY KNOW THE TIMINGS..

at this point 2nd carer walks in to more groans and huffs etc

Bill: here's another one that is too early
2nd Carer: Sorry????
Bill: you are not meant to be here until 0945 (very angry now)
2nd Carer: my sheet also states 0930 Bill....
Bill: I'm not having this I'm going to eat upstairs.....
Me: I will go outside and call office
2nd Carer: (reminds bill of timings policy etc)
Bill: WELL THAT DOESN'T BLOODY COUNT IN THIS HOUSE
2nd carer: well it clearly does bill
Me: right I am going to call office
Bill: WHATS THE BLOODY POINT
Me: well yu are clearly annoyed at something that has been way beyond our control bill and I feel I need to talk to the office. You are being very rude and aggress
Bill: I AM NOT BEING AGGRESSIVE
2nd carer: you are bill

We then go outside, inform office to be told that Bill has a reputation for being extremely hostile, to try to do what we can, and remember we are not paid to take abuse of any kind. The office will call Bill

We return....

Me: Bill the office are going to call you
Bill: well don't bother
Bill: you ahve totally ruined our breakfast...(has a rant about nurses and timings and other appts)
Me: again Bill I am NOT physic
Bill: just stop talking, you are delaying breakfast even further
Me: hang on a minute, this has been a two way convo, we are both delaying breakfast
2nd carer: bill there is not need to be so rude
Bett: (to me) and you turned up at 0920!!!!
Me: I actually turned up at 0923, and in all the times I have been to you Bett, I have always been either on time or very slightly early and not ONCE have you ever said that you didn;t like it. I have even turned up to find a carer has already started and again noting has been said. You can't pick and chose when you feel it is going to be acceptable to accept a carer early!!!!!
Bett: OH JUST SHUT UP!!!! (also has rep for being rude and nasty at times)
Me: and we don;t get paid enoughto take ANY FORM OF ABUSE
Bill: right thats it

Bill moves in to grab my arm which I doige

Bill: go on and get out
Me: I am more than happy to leave but DO NOT TOUCH ME, I have no objections being asked to leave but you will not lay a finger on me

We both get our things and head to door, at this point bill panics..
bill: no 2nd carer you can stay
2nd Carer: no bill this has also involved me, you have been rude to me and I havebeen involved in this arguement, If we leave we both leave I have also said my fair share today

Called office etc etc

AIBU to think that this situation is totally out of order?? I feel really wound up by it and I keep replaying it in my head :(

I am always polite and professional and have a good rep at work and feel that this will cast a shadow. Totally annoyed

[CravingExcitement]

The best piece of advice I could give you is not to think that you have a right to gratitude from your clients. You will be much better able to cope with situations like this if you keep that in mind.

[frantic51]

Totally agree with verity and purple. OP, he did have other issues and he did attempt to voice them to you.

Bill: you ahve totally ruined our breakfast...(has a rant about nurses and timings and other appts).

You totally ignored this as you were too wound up about being questioned and moaned at for your early arrival.

"Caring" is not just about doing the practical stuff you know.

[purplepidjin]

I've had ex-military colleagues and they do find the change from aggression to passivity hard. Are you finding the same, op?

[karen2010]

when some pays for carer to come into they home they pay for time the carer are there say 1/2 hour a dy
bill and brett are lucky they demand a certain time and get it.
if the other person and the other carer had waited to 9 45 it would mean they would both be late for next person and the next and the next.

When you go into the carer system you have to think of others. no one carer is at the peck of call of any client.

and yes it is shock when a client who is know to be nasty turns nasty on you when you have done loads for them.
but that is sadly who they are nasty people.

if it me I would not go back to them.

[garlicnutter]

When I need carers, I'm going to ask for NonnoMum and purplepidjin :)

Don't know if you've already stormed out of your thread, Stars, but the others are right about working with people. You don't have to be a carer to find out how horrid folks can be if they're having a bad day! It's interesting to learn different ways to deal with it, as it can have a positive effect on your personal life as well.

No need to beat yourself up massively about it, though (or to beat up B&B!) Just a bad call, something to be learnt, next please.

[purplepidjin]

Karen, I thought the issue was that Bill thought he had til 9:45 to eat his breakfast but the op was told 9:30? She then turns up what she thinks is a reasonable amount early (7mins to me is fine) but Bill thought he had 25 more minutes to himself. The office should have made sure the booking was correct - for that the op is NBU. Her and her colleague's further reactions could have been different to avoid the conflict.

[karen2010]

verity i very much double bill bett spent the rest of morning upset and shaken as they a known to nasty
they wont have learn not to nasty so they get the carer they pay for.

so office make a mistake big deal.
traffic where i live makes all carers late you get use to it when you have carers.

no carer can ever say they will turn up time where live .... that is just life.


i am amazed bill thinks he has the right to time carers to the 15mins.

I think Stars82 is just shocked at how quickly some one can turn. Some she though was ok turns out to be a shit.
It is very shocking to spoken to like she was by some one she thought was friend and ok.

[garlicnutter]

Someone she thought was ok turns out to be a shit.


The man was annoyed & grumpy. That doesn't mean he's a bad person!
He was rude to OP. He shouldn't have been, obv, but if he was in full control of all his faculties he wouldn't be needing a carer, would he?

As a service provider, you have to try and smooth over difficult interactions. You wouldn't last long in a shop if you refused to deal with stroppy customers. Fair enough, more of your customers are likely to be irritable when you're a carer - so you need extra training in handling it. To label someone "a shit" is unreasonable, though.

[purplepidjin]

Bill appears grumpy because something in his life is making him behave that way.

Is he frustrated at his decreasing independence? Is he in pain? Is he scared of losing Bet? Is he scared of dying first and leaving Bet at the mercy of faceless jobsworths?

No one is a shit. People act that way for a reason. The carer's job is to make it easier so they don't feel that way and the behaviour changes.

So, either walk away from your job or find out why he acts this way.

Bill and Bet can't demand carers to their own timescale because that's unworkable. They have every right to expect carers to arrive at an agreed time. Their routine is probably the only thing they control - including bladder and bowel function. How frustrating and humiliating to have even that taken from you?

[purplepidjin]

Btw building a good relationship with your service user is fundamental. Of course you want to like and be liked by them. And, when someone you were on good terms with lashes out at you, it's very distressing which I guess is why the op posted in the first place!

[frantic51]

Sadly, I don't think there are as many really good carers around as there should be. I hope I die before I become so infirm as to need this kind of help. It's horrible to be so vulnerable, to have people, some of whom you don't know, waltz into your home on their own schedule and just have to fit in with them whether you feel like it or not and to have to pay for the "privilege".

I have been in the situation, when I used to visit mum towards the end of her life, when a carer has walked in who mum hasn't known and have seen mum's face crumble, almost in tears at the prospect of yet another stranger, often young and inexperienced, about to undress her, maybe wash her face with her "privates" flannel (mum couldn't get in or out of the shower towards the end) because she wasn't listening to mum (this was what caused the one and only really angry outburst from mum) etc etc.

If it happened when I was there I just used to send the carer away and tell her to "take a break" and saw to mum myself. But I knew it used to happen often when I wasn't there. (Like the "argument" incident)

[purplepidjin]

Frantic, society gets what it pays for. It's just as hard to properly care for strangers as it is to be a lawyer or banker, with similar length hours, yet we get a quarter of the salary and none of the respect. Physically and emotionally its far more demanding than office work because you're on your feet all the time.

I'm on a 12 hour shift today and the same tomorrow. 10mins on mn when my dudes are occupied is the sum total of my break. If one of them wants something I will drop the phone and go to them. For £6.25 p h.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I feel a bit sorry for the OP; she had a bad day yesterday, posted here and thought she was going to get some validation for her actions and handling of the situation. Her actions weren't right but she thought they were at the time and this thread must have been a shock and be upsetting reading for her.

frantic51... that's very sad. Your poor Mum. My grandfather was very miserable in 'care' towards the end of his life and I'm sure it was shorter because of his misery. :(

I think that because the caring profession is in such heavy demand, with low wages, there are too many people working in it who have no aptitude or skill when the elderly need and deserve consummate profesionals who have the skills and abilities necessary to actually 'care' effectively.

[Gooseberrybushes]

I would like to add a voice in support of the caring professions. I don't know enough about it to have an opinion about the op (like I said earlier) but I see them work very hard, for not wonderful pay, with enormous patience. I imagine it is probably rather thankless a lot of the time, from the people one helps and the people over one's head "in the office". It's like an army we all depend on, whether we benefit directly from their work or not. We need to look after some people in society and they are the ones doing it.

[purplepidjin]

Lying, the OP dealt with the situation as best she could - NBU. There are ways that she could have dealt with it which would have provided a better outcome, I hope that's what I'm offering.

'I've had more than enough training' is the only truly unreasonable statement the op has made.

Crisis situations are always upsetting. For that the op gets a massive yanbu (although she will encounter worse )

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

purplepidjin... I think your posts have been really helpful, hopefully the OP will be able to take something from them.

What I meant was that I get the impression from the OP that she really thought that she'd done the right thing. I think the OP could and should have done better than she did but it's easy to say that after the event. I think there needs to be a huge investment by government so it can afford properly qualified and trained professionals for the elderly in care. All the investment seems to be aimed at childrens' services, which seems ineffective also.

[purplepidjin]

Actually they're slashing that too. Disabled people and the elderly don't pay tax, which is why we get no funds or media coverage. And most carers are too busy tring to make a living to cause a fuss. Then when we do get media coverage, we get presented as abusive and evil (panorama)

A documentary about my day would make dreadful viewingm

Got to work. Made Dudes laugh. Helped with personal care. Made Dudes laugh. Cleaned bathrooms. Made Dudes laugh. Cooked lunch. Made Dudes laugh. Etc ad nauseum.

More interesting to watch restraints done wrong and poke fun at the inmates

[frantic51]

Purple I quite agree, carers' pay is not what it should be.

It has been my experience that carers fall into two categories, those for whom it is a true vocation (and they are pearls beyond price), and those who are either using it as a stop-gap (between other jobs, whilst studying part-time etc) or because it is the only part-time job they can get which fits around their own family commitments.

The former are good listeners, empathetic and always have the interests of their clients in the forefront of their minds. They would have left a situation like this concerned for the old couple's welfare and how distressed they might have been as a result of the unpleasantness. Carers such as these deserve society's utmost respect, admiration and gratitude.

The latter are too concerned with their own positions and how situations such as this reflect on themselves.

It is a physically demanding job and, done properly, emotionally draining too.

[Ambers123]

Hi sounds a hard day and not good incident , you do a great job i know i work with Autistic clients and there can be good days and bad days.

Sometimes it is hard to diffuse their moods or prempt them no matter how hard you try, have a glass of wine and chill tomorrow things will look better!