to be totally wound up and pissed off....very very very long story (sorry)

[Stars82]

Ok I need to set the scene for ya

I work in the care industry, we are often subjected to many forms of abuse (not just from those we are care for either) We get bitten, scratched, sworn at, punched, and recieve an abundance of verbal abuse....

I was involved in an incident today which has been playing on my mind at little...

All names have been changed
CAPITALS are used for the raised voices in the convo

Bad timing is a particular bug bare of mine, I detest being late for anything. I arrived at Bett and Bills at 0923 (for a 0930 call)

I went into the house and greeted them in a polite, happy and professional manner only to be greeted back with moans and looks of disgust, general rudeness (not unusual sometimes). The convo is as follows

Bill: You are very early stars
Me: only 5 minutes, my sheet say 0930
Bill: (huffs and pants, clearly pissed off) It is meant to be 0945 on a Friday
Me: honestly Bill I am not lying (shows my sheet)
Bill: Don't care what it says on there it is 0945, Our breakfast is going to be ruined now
Me: sorry bill but seen as I don;t come here regulary I am unaware of betts particular timings, I just follow my sheet. I will wait until 0930 and if 2nd carer doesn't arrive I will call office and wait in the car (getting a little wound up at this point)
Bill: THE OFFICE BLOODY KNOW THE TIMINGS..

at this point 2nd carer walks in to more groans and huffs etc

Bill: here's another one that is too early
2nd Carer: Sorry????
Bill: you are not meant to be here until 0945 (very angry now)
2nd Carer: my sheet also states 0930 Bill....
Bill: I'm not having this I'm going to eat upstairs.....
Me: I will go outside and call office
2nd Carer: (reminds bill of timings policy etc)
Bill: WELL THAT DOESN'T BLOODY COUNT IN THIS HOUSE
2nd carer: well it clearly does bill
Me: right I am going to call office
Bill: WHATS THE BLOODY POINT
Me: well yu are clearly annoyed at something that has been way beyond our control bill and I feel I need to talk to the office. You are being very rude and aggress
Bill: I AM NOT BEING AGGRESSIVE
2nd carer: you are bill

We then go outside, inform office to be told that Bill has a reputation for being extremely hostile, to try to do what we can, and remember we are not paid to take abuse of any kind. The office will call Bill

We return....

Me: Bill the office are going to call you
Bill: well don't bother
Bill: you ahve totally ruined our breakfast...(has a rant about nurses and timings and other appts)
Me: again Bill I am NOT physic
Bill: just stop talking, you are delaying breakfast even further
Me: hang on a minute, this has been a two way convo, we are both delaying breakfast
2nd carer: bill there is not need to be so rude
Bett: (to me) and you turned up at 0920!!!!
Me: I actually turned up at 0923, and in all the times I have been to you Bett, I have always been either on time or very slightly early and not ONCE have you ever said that you didn;t like it. I have even turned up to find a carer has already started and again noting has been said. You can't pick and chose when you feel it is going to be acceptable to accept a carer early!!!!!
Bett: OH JUST SHUT UP!!!! (also has rep for being rude and nasty at times)
Me: and we don;t get paid enoughto take ANY FORM OF ABUSE
Bill: right thats it

Bill moves in to grab my arm which I doige

Bill: go on and get out
Me: I am more than happy to leave but DO NOT TOUCH ME, I have no objections being asked to leave but you will not lay a finger on me

We both get our things and head to door, at this point bill panics..
bill: no 2nd carer you can stay
2nd Carer: no bill this has also involved me, you have been rude to me and I havebeen involved in this arguement, If we leave we both leave I have also said my fair share today

Called office etc etc

AIBU to think that this situation is totally out of order?? I feel really wound up by it and I keep replaying it in my head :(

I am always polite and professional and have a good rep at work and feel that this will cast a shadow. Totally annoyed

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

I agree that it needn't have escalated.

It's one of those jobs though, when I think that you start to view people in a certain way, and your mind gets set. (I say this as a long time retail employee)

I know that he's clearly a grumpy man, but you started from the outset, treating him like he was a grumpy man, so when the conversation started, it was more escalated than it needed to be, IYSWIM?

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

And yes, I thought that you quibbling with Bett over whether it was 7:20 or 7:23 was completely ridiculous!

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

or 9!

[Whorulestheroost]

stars82 I truly appreciate how hard it can be going into peoples homes as I'm a district nurse and also have to do exactly the same. I'm afraid though that I do agree with some of the posts, you should have just let them vent and apologise for being too early. Instead you got wound up and they got wound up and nobody was any better off. I have learnt through hard experience that the best way to handle a fraught situation is to remain as calm and as professional as possible then it can never be said that you were anything less.
I know that you have many other people waiting for their calls but Bill and Bett don't care about that, and why should they? They are paying for an agreed time which your care agency has obvious to. Sorry, I know you all work hard for crap money but that's not Bill and Betts fault.

[Gooseberrybushes]

Good Lord. Bill and Bett should sit on the naughty step for two weeks without carers.

[Gooseberrybushes]

On the other hand I know nothing about their situation. So ignore.

[Whorulestheroost]

Mind you some people are just damn rude for the sake of it. I have been working in a very affluent area for the past 15 months having come from a much more deprived area and boy the richer people are far far harder to look after. Mind you it's great to have a nosey at their huge houses!

[floosiemcwoosie]

How would you feel if you were labelled as being "difficult " etc

I take it Bill and Bett are an older couple going through a difficult time? No people shouldnt be rude however, you are in their home, and I would suggest something had already happened to upset Bill that morning.

Going to "phone the office" comes across as threatening.

If this hah happened to any f my staff, I would talk to them in supervision about how they could have handled the situation differently.

[Birdsgottafly]

That could have been handled alot better. You should have not got into a power battle over the time. The office is as fault if they knew that you wasn't due until 9.45 and didn't tell you. Also you don't have to be early, what is the difference between you turning up early or you waiting in the car for ten minutes.

TBH, he wasn't abusive, you should be expecting and allowing for grumpiness and to bring up how much you are getting paid was very wrong of you.

People resent strangers coming into their home, are in pain etc, you allow for that in social care. You are used to a different type of situation in the army than you now are and cannot compare the two.

[MumblingRagDoll]

My Mum does the same job as you and she would NEVER respond in he way you did with elderly people. They moan all the time....she's also on time..never arriving early in order to shave off time for herself.

[Birdsgottafly]

TBH i don't know why you are posting on here. Ask for opinions from staff of social care by all means, but not those in other types of jobs as they do not have to make the allowances that social care staff do. Do you not have a supervisor that you can run this past, for advice? You have ben lucky up to now if Bills behaviour shocked you. You also need to learn to make allowances for ill health and failing cognitive functioning.

[KidderminsterKate]

I think you handled this badly. Inflamed the situation way more than necessary and then holding them to hostage with the 2nd carer over whether they get the care or not! Awful imho.

Domicilliary care is no doubt hard and yes, the pay is shit. But Bill and Bett pay for their care or its funded by the Council in which case they have needs that must be met. They should be able to have it any time they damn well please....maybe he did tell the office 9.45???? And to just walk into their home early is unacceptable.

the equality and human rights commission has just reported that peoples human rights are often overlooked when receiving care at home....you'll see that timings of visits are one the things that is mentioned.
www.equalityhumanrights.com/news/2011/june/inquiry-reveals-failure-to-protect-the-rights-of-older-people-receiving-care-at-home/

really really dont get why you were so confrontational with him - especially given that you say he is already difficult.

[floosiemcwoosie]

You should ask your manager about "Behaviour that challenges the service" training.

[Stars82]

Cocoflower;

Please re-read my op, I NEVER mentioned my pay at ALL!!!

[purplepidjin]

I have to say, the last time I was "totally wound up and pissed off" by a Service User's behaviour was when I was sat in A&E for four hours to see if my ribs were broken when they'd kicked me. That's four hours of wracking my brains to work out what I did wrong to get kicked, by the way.

"Fat red-headed cunt" etc, numerous bites and punches all elicited about an hour of introspection plus a good chat with colleague/line manager about how to respond better next time.

So, actually, YABratherU and over-reacting to what sounds pretty minor in the grand scheme of things... Perhaps your best move might be a career change?

[Stars82]

Attack time!!!

Also I feel words are totally being twisted!!! The main topic was why do people think it acceptable to talk to people like they are a piece of shit!!!!

With regards to time I am ALWAYS precise!! Down to every MINUTE. Always have and always will!! It wasn't about the call I so that in general.

I believe I have had more than enough training, this was the first EVER time anything like this has happened to me so yes I could take things away from it but I will also be proud that regardless of who it is I will always stand up for myself ;)

With regards to turning up early so I can go early is utter bull shit.... We have a window (which clients are aware of) of how many minutes we can be late/early etc I don't turn up early to leave early, I turn up eay to try and get everything maybe more achieved in my allocated time.....

I await the backlash of comment to follow.......

[Whorulestheroost]

Stars82 I'm afraid you did mention your pay. You said "we don't get paid enough to take any form of abuse" no matter what you get paid you should not have to take abuse. I'm really not out to criticise you as I know what the jobs like but you could of handled the situation much better by not winding them up even more.

[Cocoflower]

But you did with Me: and we don;t get paid enoughto take ANY FORM OF ABUSE and I am not the only one to pick up on this point as later posters also did.

I think the pay thing is just one of many issues tbh.

[MumblingRagDoll]

Are they elderly people? If so then YABU.....the elderly have many issues which can cause them to respond in the way "Bill" did...lack of control in their day-to-day lives makes them extremely vulnerable...as does relying on strangers for their care.

[MumblingRagDoll]

If you feel the pay does not justify the risks then get another job. It's obvious.

[Whorulestheroost]

You asked for opinions and just because you aren't getting the answer you would like doesn't mean you are being attacked. It is difficult going into somebody elses house and even when you are really polite there are always people that are not happy. The way to deal with it is NOT to get into a slanging match but to try and diffuse the situation instead of winding them up even more. You will never win but will only end up feeling crap IMO.

[Stars82]

Ok apologies I thought you meant I put a price on it! I stand by that comment I don't get paid enough to take abuse of any kind from any one

[WhoAteMySnickers]

Do you have any kind of 'reflective practice' time with a supervisor? When you've calmed down and are feeling less stressed, perhaps you could discuss this incident with them, show them the conversation exactly as you've typed it up here and see what they think.

YANBU to be irritated or even very annoyed to be spoken to like you were, and you do not have to put up with verbal or physical abuse. I'm not saying it's right but unfortunately it goes with the territory in a lot of these types of jobs.

YABU not to recognise that you did escalate the situation, you did make it worse than it needed to be and YABU to talk to a service user in the argumentative and derogatory way that you did.

If you really really really can't see that you did anything wrong at all in this situation then the caring profession is not for you.

[MumblingRagDoll]

"I stand by that comment I don't get paid enough to take abuse of any kind from any one"

So what do you propose to do about it? Argue with every vulnerable person who is rude?

Definitely in the wrong job.