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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you are ever ashamed of or feel guilty about your parenting and why?

115 replies

ellangirl · 22/06/2011 17:47

As the title says really, what have you done/do you do that you feel terrible about? Does it change the way you do things?

OP posts:

petisa · 22/06/2011 21:56

Oh dear that's a not [happy]! And I'll have to take Lenin's advice.

manicinsomniac · 23/06/2011 04:53

Gosh yes, I feel guilty all the time.

I feel guilt because I never intended to have children and didn't want either of them right up until they were born. I somehow feel like they were able to tell that while inside me.

I feel guilt that I did have children and now I risk them turning out like me.

I feel guilt that they spend a ridiculous amount of time in the kid's club at the gym.

I feel guilt at the long hours they have to do at school because I teach there and can't just leave.

I even feel guilt at not feeling guilty about things I think should feel guilty about (if that makes sense!) eg - nursery from 2 months, formula fed from day of birth.

Such things as snapping at them when I'm tired don't even register on my guilt radar sadly!

TheFrogs · 23/06/2011 05:31

Oh yes, I never stop feeling guilty!

I feel guilty that neither of them has even known what it's like to have a two parent family, even though it was not of my choosing.

I felt guilty when I worked that they were in childcare, now i'm in between jobs I feel guilty their mum is an unemployed loser.

I feel guilty that I cant ever guarantee an outing because there's always the chance I wont make it due to an illness I have.

I feel bad when I snap at them, and I try very hard not to but sometimes they are too much. They adore each other really, are very nice polite kids until they are home. They kick the shit out of each other...14yr old ds and 7yr old dd...i'm honestly not sure which one is worse!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/06/2011 05:54

I feel guilty about letting her watch TV. Any, really, although she's allowed an hour a day. That's all - I do snap sometimes but not much, and I don't think that's actually bad parenting - but it's a constant running narrative in my head. I should be able to spend an entire day entertaining a toddler without needing to sit down and read a book, other people do.

hairfullofsnakes · 23/06/2011 05:55

What a relief to hear that I am not the only impatient mum out there! I raise my voice too much too. A childless friend made me laugh when she said I shouldn't feel guilty as parenting is hard and guilt is a 'negative emotion' (no shit Sherlock!) but I resisted the urge to say 'what the fuck do you know'

Hi LeQueen are you an Aries by any chance?!

hairfullofsnakes · 23/06/2011 05:58

Oh and who finds that men DON'T feel guilty?! Mine doesn't get the guilt thing at all

NoobyNoob · 23/06/2011 07:36

I don't think I play with DS enough. Which has led him to get used to playing on his own.

So now, whenever I join in he doesn't like it.

sunnydelight · 23/06/2011 09:10

I'm Irish Catholic so guilt is my default option - I really wish I could switch it off (and it is the main reason why I haven't raised my children as Catholic but you can imagine how guilty I feel about that...) but I can't. Having three kids has just given me SO many more opportunities in life to constantly think that I "could do better". Have I made the right education choices for them, am I feeding them enough vegetables, do I let them watch too much tv, should I have more of their friends over to play even though I hate playdates - the list is endless! Oh, and I am also an Aries and am horribly impatient

Bottleofbeer · 23/06/2011 09:30

Frequently, sometimes I think I'm really lazy about it. They're not always bathed as often as maybe they should be. Sometimes it's just easier to chuck pizza and chips in the oven. Stuff like that; but logically I think I have four of them, and to be totally 100% on top of everything all the time and I'd wear myself into the ground. Bottom line is they might not be bathed ALL the time, they might just get a scrub with a flannel etc...but they are never dirty, they have all they need, never go hungry. Most importantly, they're loved.

BurningBridges · 23/06/2011 09:46

hairfullofsnakes that's a good point - I hadn't thought of that - DO men feel guilty about stuff like this?

MoreBeta · 23/06/2011 10:20

On average I don't think men do get quite the same level of guilt as women.

Partly because more men are out of the home and less involved with childcae munutiae. However, it is more than that. I am constantly shocked by the level of guilt that women pile on each other. Just look at the FF/BF battles on here. It is horrible and mystifying to me at times.

As a man I am outside the 'mothers network' and do not come under that guilt pressure. I can't remember having a lengthy conversation about childcare with another man. I do feel some guilt as I described earlier in the thread but not because of what other parents do or think. Women do though feel that peer pressure guilt much more.

LeQueen · 23/06/2011 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wordfactory · 23/06/2011 10:59

I don't really do guilt [sociopath emoticon]...

But I do regularly assess what things I think I could do better and then try to implement changes...or not.

Morloth · 23/06/2011 11:03

Never ashamed but sometimes I feel guilty when I fuck up.

But people fuck up, I do the best I can and to be honest my best is pretty bloody good if DS1 is any sort of indicator.

I adore my children and they have every advantage there is to have in the world, there isn't anything else I can do to make their lives better, so I don't beat myself up when I mess things up.

JIRkids · 23/06/2011 11:16

Yes, guilty about everything.

Shouting and being impatient and not spending enough time playing/having fun with them are the things I feel most guilty for. I think if I am stressed about something I do project that onto them.

Also, when they were aged 2/3 they were impossible which I found hard to look on objectively due to always being with them. Now they are a little older I feel I have a calmer better relationship with them. I also find it easier being able to have proper conversations and play games with them.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/06/2011 11:19

Yes, I fail miserably as a parent, DH does too, regarding DS going to bed. We are crap, have always been crap and prob always will be, lol.

Apart from that, I am the bollox

MoreBeta · 23/06/2011 11:22

LeQueen - I could tell you were a Virgo. It takes one to know one.

Nefret · 23/06/2011 11:23

I feel guilty when I yell at them for being naughty.

I also feel guilty when I put them in front of the tv so I can get on with the dinner, or when I give them something that isn't as healthy to eat (although they don't complain about that)

There are many other times when I don't think I have done the very best but no-one is perfect and I don't think I do too bad. They are happy and healthy so I try not to worry too much.

MissingMySleep · 23/06/2011 11:27

all the time

guess it means I am not SuperMum

stillfrazzled · 23/06/2011 11:30

I feel guilty because I find nearly 4yo DS1's CONSTANT wittering about trains unbelievably boring, esp because it's frequently repeating questions or giving me a speaking part.

I'm naturally quite antisocial and capable of spending hours reading/interwebbing/MNing and I feel bad that I want to scream JUST SHUT UP at him (I don't do it though) so I can get on with reading a parenting website instead of, well, parenting him.

megapixels · 23/06/2011 11:33

I don't have a continuous sense of guilt but there are times when I suddenly stop and think (hours or days later) that I handled a situation completely wrong and that I was too hard on my children. Also the other day, out of nowhere, it just dawned on me that I sometimes just don't listen to them when they're talking . Have made amends to that one though.

flossymuldoon · 23/06/2011 11:33

burningbridges I was that lady desperate for a child. I finally have a DS who we are adopting (after 6.5 years) but i too feel sick with guilt some days for for being way less patient than i'd like to be. I had one day that i really shouted at him as he had been hitting, biting, and scratching me all day and hubby had to step in and tell me to go upstairs for 10 minutes to cool off. The adoption course talked lot about 'good enough parenting' and that they don't expect us to be perfect, just do our best. That helps me not beat myself up too much and accept that some days i have been pushed to the limit and i did my very best under difficult circumstances.

ClarasMummy · 23/06/2011 11:39

I suffer with mental health problems which have become much worse since DS was born six months ago. I feel so guilty about not being the mother my babies deserve and this morning my 3 year old DD asked DF why mummy was so sad all the time .

Feel like an awful mother today.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/06/2011 11:42

Oh and I also feel really mean when DS whitters onto me about wrestling and I sort of zone out and I am sure I raise my eyebrows and roll my eyes sometimes too......still, he keeps chattering on though so dont think he either notices or is offended!! Thats my lighthearted guilt!

ilovedora27 · 23/06/2011 13:41

No dont feel guilty or ashamed. I work with children and know I am doing a good enough job with my own DD. She always wants to be with me, tells me she loves me and is happy and smiley. Im happy with that tbh.

I am laid back though and used to working with kids and their families so have seen loads of different people, and had no expectations at all when I had a child. My plan was to give birth and go from there and I have just done that since and it has worked out ok so far.

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