to ask if you are ever ashamed of or feel guilty about your parenting and why?

[ellangirl]

As the title says really, what have you done/do you do that you feel terrible about? Does it change the way you do things?

about 20 years ago i swore at my kids who were fighting in the back of the car

never sworn before or since that day, but still feel ashamed when i remember their shocked and frightened faces. That was wrong.

I feel bad that I am tired in the evening and don't push enough on certain things - us all eating at the table, doing more reading with dd, less tv etc.

Maybe because I had high expectations of what it WOULD be like - us all chatting over a lovely meal, sharing my love of books with my child, the tv rarely being on etc.

Well that worked - NOT

I shout too much. I bring home too much stress from work. I probably spend too much time on MN. And sometimes I pretend to listen to dd when I have no idea what she is talking about.

I often feel guilty - and very occasionally ashamed - but I'm only human and I'm doing the best I can!

I miss bedtime regularly because of BLOODY work. I feel guilty and sad about that. But not ashamed.

Pfffff. Y'all have nothing to feel guilty about!

I read the start of this thread earlier and wanted to post, but was distracted by my (very unusual and wine induced) good parenting 'let's have fun together and let DD help with the cooking'. Usually I'm hustling her off to bed, rounding off a day of short tempered child-intolerance, where I utterly fail to grasp the concept of playfulness and child-like enquiry.

I am a crap crap crap crap mum. Actually, I'm a crap crap crap crap person, so I guess that's not too surprising.

Bet you're not a crap person OR a crap mum, iloveyoutoo.

Hope your dd enjoyed the cooking. :)

Thanks for your replies everyone. I feel ashamed of myself when I shout, because DS is a toddler and I am supposed to be the grown up. A few people have mentioned that they feel they are inconsistent- that'd def how I feel, but then my moods have always been inconsistent- just ask my DH!
Re making a change instead of feeling guilty... I am resolving to do one thing in particular- not have the computer on when he is awake and I should be playing with him...

I felt incredibly guilty when DS went to nursery at 12 months old. I went back to work part time, but I was a basket case for weeks.

He is starting school in September, and the guilt is finally lifting. I now believe it WAS the right thing for all of us.

I often feel guilty for being impatient and distracted when I am with them. Each time I vow to do better next time -I am so aware that time with them is short - but I do it again.

I rarely feel guilty for issues of physical neglect such as grubby clothes or letting them do 'dangerous' things. Childhood is much too short to let such concerns restrict them.

Shouting, then feeling sick with guilt. I mean really really shouting. There are people out there desperate for a child, I get mine then shouting at them, slam doors etc.

Oh and I put DD1 with a childminder then into a nursery, both were disasters, this finished when she was 3, and now aged 10 she still talks about how unhappy she was. I will never ever forgive myself.

I read somewhere recently "I was a fabulous parent .. until I had children". So true!

I agree guilt is a part of parenting (and don't the marketers know it!). I often feel guilty for being short tempered and snapping, not trying hard enough to get DS to brush teeth for longer or drink water out of a cup instead of juice out of a sippy cup, having rows with DH in front of the kids (though since DD has started sleeping better that has improved), contradicting DH in front of the kids instead of having a quiet chat about parenting once they've gone to bed. I don't feel guilty about going to work as it brings home the bacon and I'd be intolerable without work.

I've been ashamed the couple of times I've hit DS. Once was when he persisted in trying to stick his hand in an electrical socket, and once when he persisted in trying to kick his sister. Sometimes toddlers do things to be challenging and it drives you to distraction. I've never felt ashamed by the times I have made mock throttling actions in the air above his head - that's been necessary to let off steam! :)

burningbridges , my daughter sometimes says are you angry today? She's 3.7mths, i think if i get run over today that will be her image of me.

Must change my name to theangrymother.

A lot of guilt at shouting on this thread. But the thing is, kids are quite infuriating, aren't they? And we have places we have to be (as do they once they start school) and it's not like we shout the first time.

Non-shouters, how do you do it? When you've asked them 12 times already to please put their shoes on, then please please because we need to leave right now or mummy will be late for work yet again?

ziptoes - ha ha to throttling actions! Do that too.

Am currently feeling guilty as am even getting annoyed with unborn DD2 who is doing some kind of cossack dance at the mo. Probably because I keep trying to balance the laptop on her head - or maybe its the large number of pineapple fritters I just ate that have woken her up.

Just re-read my post and must add that when I say hit, I mean I slapped his hand or foot out of the way of the socket/sister. Not proper hitting.

I defence of all us grumpy parents, I think kids sometimes think angry parents are funny! I know DS sometimes sits on his "step" giggling at me. And I have fond memories of me and my sister comparing sizes of hand print on our bottoms after something we did that was really naughty.

Someone versed in child psychology could probably tell me more about kids experimenting with pushing buttons. Don't they do it more with parents because they feel more secure? i.e. they often behave better at nursery or school than at home because it's not as "safe" as seeing how much you can wind up your parents? Anyway a long winded way of saying that although I do feel guilty about shouting and loosing patience, I also appreciate that it's pretty normal.

Piccalilli2 - we used to have this problem and found that following exactly the same routine every morning was a big help. We now find that we still have to remind them when the next step to going out of the door needs to happen (eg go upstairs and go to the loo and clean your teeth) but at least they know what they have to do at each step.

We dont have shouting in the morning because it is not a nice way for children to leave the house.

cross posts piccalilli!

DH and I recently decided not to get shouty over DS chucking water round the bathroom at bathtime. It's made for more relaxing bathtime and, I think, less splashing as he doesn't get a rise out of us any more. Plus what's a bit of mopping up compared to a peaceful bathtime and DS having fun. I think the way to no shoutyness is in trying to keep a sense of perspective.

Unfortunately a sense of perspective is exactly what toddlers suck out of you!

Piccalilli - mmmm. Can't claim I never shout but not that often. Usually only when there is a safety issue or I'm being especially grumpy or DD is being v.badly behaved - which luckily for me isn't that often. Also, DD is very sensitive - so that even a mild telling off can leave her a bit devastated so I've had to learn to hold my tongue. If I really have to get her to do something tend to use "carrot and stick" approach more often - and stick to whatever I've promised/threatened. So if I say "if you don't put your coat on we're not going out this afternoon" - she knows I mean it. But she is only little still - so don't know if this will work as she gets older and wiser!

MoreBeta: we do have the same routine every day. Get up, wee, teeth, dressed, downstairs, breakfast, shoes on, get stuff, out the door

But unless I stand over them and make sure all these steps are happening, they don't. And I can't stand over them because I am also doing shower/teeth/dressed etc - so short of getting up at 5 how do I ensure it happens?

I know shouting isn't a nice way for anyone to leave the house and I massively prefer the days when that doesn't happen but the bottom line is we need to leave the house

I believe my name says it all

Piccalili - we do one step at a time. We tell them to do step 1 at a specific time. We do not expect them to remember steps 2 - 5.

We just remind them at the exact time it needs to be done. Giving them too many instructions in one go always resulted in failure. The steps have to be quite simple too not like : put on your shoes get your rucksack, put on your coat, bush your hair.

Another one who feels guilty about being shouty, impatient and snappy sometimes. I wish I was a more chilled person in general. And the tv is on far too much. And dd2 eats too much toast. These are things that I feel guilty about.

But on a more serious note, the only thing that makes me feel ashamed, really ashamed, is that when dd1 was younger dp and I had some big shouty arguments in front of her. I'll never forget her wee confused face I hope she doesn't remember them and that we haven't affected her personality in some way. Thankfully she seems a happy, confident, sunny child now and that time in our lives is over [happy]. It does haunt me though. Will have Lenin's advice and move on.

It came as such a monumental shock that even though DD1 had arrived, I was still exactly the same person, who liked an immaculate house, hated cooking and had the pateince of a gnat
LeQueen I read your words above and had a total light bulb moment, why has it taken me nearly 10 years to work that out (in fact I didn't, you did!)
So what now carry on as normal and don't feel guilty? Try to change and feel ashamed at failing? have children adopted? whats the magic answer????

Yeah and I do the same. 'good morning dd2, can you get dressed sweetheart?' 'ok sweetheart, get dressed'. 'darling, why aren't you getting dressed?' 'dd2 get dressed now please' 'dd2 we will be late unless you put your clothes on now' 'PUT THAT BOOK DOWN GET DRESSED'