to not know whether or not I want children at age 30

[svanhvit]

I am almost 30, have been with DH for 7 years and we are now in a position where having DCs wouldn't be a too much of a strain on finances/space (I think - I know its a strain whatever situation you're in). Most of my friends and aquaintances our age are having or have got DCs and they almost all say they just 'knew' they wanted kids when they got into their late 20s.

If DH really wanted to have a baby I think I would almost certainly say yes, let's go for it, as I know he would make a great father and that people don't tend to regret having their kids. But he is just as ambivalent as I am.

It's as if I don't have strong feelings either way, which sounds awful. I'm sure I would love my child, but equally sure I'd be just as happy carrying on with life as it is (and having loads of animals instead )

I am just looking for others' experiences really - did you always know you wanted DCs? Did you suddenly get that 'urge' when you hit your late 20s, or did some of you get it later in your 30s, or not at all? What was it that made you have kids in the first place?

There's a website called Happily Child Free ? That's awesome! Will check it out. (Also just seeing if I can do links...) Thanks JosieRosie.

was never that interested but then got to 30 and decided we did all of a sudden. part of me woke to my maternal feelings over night. we have struggled to have them but thankfully managed in the end. I regret not starting slightly earlier now but then again i did have a fab time in my 20's child free. most people i have known have had one and then enjoyed the child so much they have wanted another.

EveHarrington That makes perfect sense, thank you for being so honest and for giving me more food for thought.

Thank you for all your responses so far, I have to go to a class now but will check the thread again later.

Was never really interested. Had my two DC in later 30s, with ex-DH after knowing him for two years. No problems conceiving, so they came along rather quickly - I think I'd assumed it might not happen or would take years to happen. Ex-DH then left us when they were very little.

I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have embarked on motherhood had I known I would be left to bring two children up on my own with a very limited income.

Yet my children are the only real light in my life.

Strange, huh?

I always remember a work colleague telling me that she had children because everyone said she'd regret it if she didn't. Twenty years on she says it's not regret as such, and she loves her now grown up children to bits, but if she could make her choices again they'd be different ones.

Was adamant in my 20's that I would never have children. in my early 30's a couple of friends had them and I saw that they weren't some different form of life and were rather enjoyable to be around. So decided to have one, only the one. I don't regret it, love DC to bits but if I hadn't had her I don't think my life would be unfulfilled.

I hope my DC's don't have children until their mid 30's I had mine young and whilst I don't regret it things could have been very different for all of us, children included if I'd waited.
Having said I have 4 and I say to anyone who'll listen, there's nothing wrong with just having 2, 2 is a good number.

I wanted to have children with DH as soon as we got together. We were married when I was 24 and he was 32 (22 & 30 when we met), someone commented they didn't like anything on our gift list (fair enough) as they wanted to get us something we would use everyday - I suggested babygrows . We had DD1 when I was 26 as we had a 6m lead time to TTC (epilepsy so needed to take extra high dose of folic acid for 6m). DD2 followed when I was 27 and DD3 when I was 29. I am 31 now and we are 'done'.

I don't regret having the DDs at all even though DD1's pg was horrendous and I had PND-OCD after each of them. The only thing I regret is not having any more.

If you aren't sure then talking it over with your DP and friends before TTC or not TTC could save you a lot of heartache in the long run. It's easy to let things drift assuming there is plenty of time to have children when there might not be. Would it be possible for you and DP to have a fertility check so you could see if you needed to make a decision sooner rather than later?

There is quite a lot of reputable research showing that people without children are generally happier than those with - although comparing the extreme highs and lows of parenthood with a more stable childfree life presents problems, and I find that 70% figure extremely difficult to credit.

But I'd treat any specifically childfree website with a bit of caution, some may be fine, but some are notorious for some very unpleasant people and vile discussions (whereas Mumsnet only ever has totally lovely people of course ).

I was never a really a baby person, didn't imagine having children, how many, what to call them etc etc.

Then i got to 27 and to my surprise developed a fascination with pregnancy and a strong urge to get pregnant. Spoke to Dh who wasn't quite ready. A year later we were both ready although I still wasn't feeling that interested in babies - I just wanted to be pregnant and saw myself in the future with older children.

It took me 18 months to conceive which was very hard at the time but it certainly cleared up any doubts I had and when I finally got pregnant aged 30, I was thrilled and didn't stop smiling for 9 months!

I have to be honest and say I found the first year with a baby very hard and I'm still not a "baby" person. BUT I loved her so much from the beginning and have been so excited to watch her grow. Now she's one and a bit, DH and myself are completely besotted with her - but it has taken time.

Weirdly, the parts of motherhood which put me off in my early 20s i.e childbirth (eek!) and breastfeeding (ick!) have been some of my favourite bits so far!

Like many others I was initially adament I didn't want kids and then ambivilent. Luckily for me DH really wanted kids (although he did say that he'd give up on having kids to be with me if necessary). I always said I didn't want kids but couldn't imagine being old without family (not to support me but just around). That plus DH wanting them made my mind up.

I was never maternal, I'm still not maternal. For large parts of my pregancy with my second (planned) I didn't want her. To be honest for large parts of the early baby stage with both I didn't want them! However my toddler is getting more enjoyable by the day which gives me hope that dd (5 months) will as well. I've accepted I'm never going to love the little baby stage.

At the moment - no regrets (although I have my days as I'm sure everyone does). I have friends who have been together for ages, always said no kids but have recently changed their mind. They're both late 30s and not having any luck ttc.

I think what it comes down to is thinking - how would you feel if you got told tomorrow you'd never be able to have kids... For me it would have been upset.

Aamant about not wating children til 35. Then got pregnant by accident. Initial horror slowly turned to delight - followed by a miscarriage. Couldn't wait to get pregnant again, luckinly did and luckily this one "took". Followed 5 years later by number 2 (took that long for us to make our minds up to try!)

So many people agonise if they want a baby when really they need to ask themselves ''Do I really want to be a mother?'' Being a mother is for life and I do wish I'd thought about that more. I just thought of the cute baby. I didn't think about parenting. More fool me.

svanhvit a book you might like to read is Childfree and loving it by Nikki deFago (the 70% study is also quoted in there, along with contributions from very honest parents who regret having children. I think the 70% study asked the question "If you had your time again would you have children", which is slightly different from 'do you regret your children' (unfortunately I can't check, I've lent the book out to a friend pondering the same issues as you!)

I'm going to do a bit of cod-psychology here, but reading through your responses to the comments, I certainly detect a bias towards childfree - you are very receptive to all the comments, both those in support and against having children, but it seems the pro-childfree comments enthuse and excite you more. There might be something in that.... If you do get the childfree book above I think your reaction when reading it might also be an indicator - my reaction was to (mentally) make objections to all the childfree arguments in the book, I'd read something and think 'yes, that's true, but....'. Needless to say I am now a very happy mum to one DS and have absolutely no regrets (and if I had my time again I would definitely have him). He completes me.

Another thought I had - I think talk about the pros and cons, or whether eg. friends are actually kidding themselves that they are happy with their kids, is a bit simplistic.

The thing is that the experience of having children gives rise to totally contradictory feelings in you, simultaneously. Its very hard to describe but you love them to death, and are proud to be a mother and their parent and wouldn't change a thing, and at the exact same time on a sort of day to day level you wish to god it was bedtime/they would sleep through/they would eat their broccoli/they would stop fighting with their sibling/you could have a bit of peace/ you and your DH could laze around on a Sunday like you used to do pre-kids.

There are of course lovely times when it is all 100% positive - listening to your toddler sing a song for the first time, your child's delight at seeing you in the morning when they make it clear that you are the light of their life.

Children do give a lot back once you get past the very early stages - even a 5 month old baby shows you how much he loves you. It changes and deepens your bond with your DH too. Yes you may well have less sex and less romantic dinners, but that is replaced by a shared pride in and love for your precious first born! No-one else in the world thinks your child is amazing and extraordinary, but your DH does (and possibly the doting grandparents too!) This is a great thing to share together.

Its also fun to embark on parenting together with your DH. You feel like a pair of kids "playing" a being parents and its often a source of shared amusement and complicity as you feel yourselves turning into your own parents and stepping up to take on the role and be the grown ups.

I'm not sure "Borrowing" other people's kids can really give you a sense of what it would be like to have your own. There is nothing quite like your own child, who've you've made with the DH you love and who looks like you both.

I absolutely did not want children. Was sure of it. Nooooo way. Not for me.

And than WHAM I knew I wanted to have children - not just wanted to, I had to. I needed to. Powerful, biological imperative.

Thats assuming you have a dh bumpasdaisy. I have no doubt that if I'd had a supportive dp I'd be on number 2 by now. As it happens I am quite determined never to fall pregnant again. I'm simply too selfish and miss my child free single life sooo much. However, dd is simply georgeous and i wouldn't be without her. See what you mean about contradoctory feelings. If you have a truly amazing dp and don't mind making a lot of sacrifices then go for it.

It IS a MASSIVE biological imperative. That's why I got up the duff. Circumstances were irrelevant. Bloody hormones!

just to come back to an earlier point raised op

My life has changed so much since having a child and I cannot imagine my life any other way now. The love I feel for my DS and my DH now is so strong it is hard to explain. I feel complete in a way I never knew, and I feel purposeful too. I have a career and I certainly do not live for my kids, but the love I feel and the bonds, relationship I have with my DS is like nothing I have felt before. I certainly recommend it.

I feel rewarded all the time and cherish all the time I am with DS. He is like any mother will tell you, perfect, to me.

My relationship with Dh has deepened as I have seen a new side to him as a father and a new dimension to him as a protector and husband to me. It feels whole. i never really contemplated what i was missing before as I was happy and fulfilled in a different way.

I never knew I wanted children and was surprised by pregnancy at 36. Like thumbwitch, I never had any ticking clock or maternal urge whatsoever.

Now we have 2 dcs and wish we had started earlier so we could have had more. It's good, really good. Never been so into anything, endless interesting.

In retrospect, it seems like I was just waiting for a new adventure, without having really known it. There was room in our lives for these new young people. :o

that should have said 'endlessly interesting.'

"I think what it comes down to is thinking - how would you feel if you got told tomorrow you'd never be able to have kids... For me it would have been upset."

Honestly I think I would be relieved....I worry about the finality of the decision not to have any, whether I'd regret it when I'm older, but if that decision was taken out of my hands I don't think I'd be too upset about it.

Of course with many things, you never really know how you'd feel until it happens...

I'm almost 30. We did it for a combination of reasons - one because friends are doing it (yes yes daft I know), two because we had everything in place - finances, house etc and three because I was diagnosed with a health problem which made me panic a bit as we always figured babies would be part of our future. Additionally we really 'enjoyed' our twenties (got pissed a lot) but it was getting a bit tired and we were ready for a new adventure. I didn't go into it with any expectations, I'm not really cooey over babies, never had much contact with them etc. However please don't do what I did and think 'if other women can do it so can i'. Having a baby is THE most challenging thing I've ever done in my life and shouldn't be done without serious thought.

Hmm, earlier someone - toptramp? - said it's not about wanting a baby, it's about wanting to be a mother.

That IS what I want - I think. Last year I was part of a pilates class with 6 other women who all had DCs, ranging in age from newborn to 19. They all worked, and I loved hearing about their busy, full lives - the hectic day at work, coming home to make dinner and joke with their kids, off to exercise class while DH put them to bed, planning what to do with them on the weekend... I have worked so hard throughout my 20s, and I want that warm, chaotic, comfy if knackering family life.