to not know whether or not I want children at age 30

[svanhvit]

I am almost 30, have been with DH for 7 years and we are now in a position where having DCs wouldn't be a too much of a strain on finances/space (I think - I know its a strain whatever situation you're in). Most of my friends and aquaintances our age are having or have got DCs and they almost all say they just 'knew' they wanted kids when they got into their late 20s.

If DH really wanted to have a baby I think I would almost certainly say yes, let's go for it, as I know he would make a great father and that people don't tend to regret having their kids. But he is just as ambivalent as I am.

It's as if I don't have strong feelings either way, which sounds awful. I'm sure I would love my child, but equally sure I'd be just as happy carrying on with life as it is (and having loads of animals instead )

I am just looking for others' experiences really - did you always know you wanted DCs? Did you suddenly get that 'urge' when you hit your late 20s, or did some of you get it later in your 30s, or not at all? What was it that made you have kids in the first place?

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

I married young. I was 21 and h was 27. Got pregnant straight away as we both wanted a baby, but looking back we were pretty naive about the level of responsibility and sacrifice having a child entails.

Dd is now 10 and I am 32. I love my job and my career is moving in the right direction. I don't want another child, I adore my daughter but enjoy parenting more now she is older. Most of my colleagues have older children (mainly between 18 and 25) and whilst I relish the time spent with dd whilst she is young I also look forward to the freedom and 'me time' they all now enjoy.

This is a bit rambling but I suppose the point of the post is that it is harder to make the decision to ttc when you are that bit older.
You are more aware of the sacrifices and changes you need to make, the enormity of the responsibility, and are likely to have more to lose career wise.

[mrsbiscuits]

I wasn't really fussed about children either ( some days I'm still not and have 2 of them ;) but definitely not at 30! Met DH when I was 32 and married him at 34 had DS1 at 36 and Ds2 at 40 ......and that's all folks ! :)

[crazycatlady]

Such a hard decision OP. Like you I was ambivalent, although DH was more certain he wanted them. As I approached 30 I found that even though my head was still telling me it wasn't sure, my body was finding ways to make sure it happened... hard to explain but I felt an almost biological urge to have children that my head and rational thought couldn't control.

As a result, DD came along when I was 29. A very happy accident. We were not actively preventing pregnancy really, but certainly not trying and hadn't even discussed it.

Since then we have had all manner of problems with miscarriages etc but now do at last have a DC2. Had I known how hard it would be to have DC2 we'd have started a family earlier for sure. It was only at this point that it really crystalised how much I did want kids after all and would have been crushed to never have had them.

Also echo what others have said about making new friends since DCs. I never did NCT but have met some truly wonderful lifelong friends since having DCs. I haven't had friends within walking distance before, and now I have it's lovely.

[BikeRunSki]

thing is, I made laods of new friends when I had DS. I still have my old friends, but also new Mummy friends with DCs the same age as mine.

[BeeBread]

One other minor point; whilst it's obviously true that peer pressure shouldn't be a part of your decision, there is a lot to be said for doing it at the same time as your friends so that your activities coincide.

Eg having maternity leave at the same time as your friends; having babies at the same time so that you can go to groups/cinema/cafes together. All of that gets harder to coordinate when your friends' children are a couple of years older - they will be much more active and into all sorts of different things.

Sounds superficial but it makes for a better support network.

[PredictableDullard]

good luck!

[svanhvit]

Hello again, OP here. I didn't have time to come back online last night but just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who replied to my post. Literally all of you were helpful and constructive in some way and I'm really grateful, esp as I've never posted before and am not a mum.

I'm going to give it a year and think about it again. I do take very seriously what many of you say about leaving it too late, even if DH and I took fertility tests I wouldn't risk leaving it until my late 30s if we suspected we would eventually want kids.

justonemorethen you're probably right that I'm overthinking! However, if I do decide to become a mother I want to go into it with my eyes open. I don't want to do it just because it's expected of me or because I'm scared I'll regret it if I don't. And I know that almost everyone who has kids manages to 'make it work', but I do feel that I've only got one life and I don't want it to just be 'ok' or 'manageable' - I want it to be great!

[justonemorethen]

Overthinking!! If you have a child you can make it work whatever. However leave it long enough the decision is made for you.
Over 35 and you are technically a old mother with all the risks that occurs.So you have maybe 4 years to have an "ideal" pregnancy. If that doesn't worry you wait, it will happen or it won't. If it scares you then try for one because you won't ever get the time back.

[Eequalsmcsquared]

I started dating DH at 31, and I had DS at just 35. I then had a spate of illness and didn't try again till I was just 40, no luck.

Another poster pointed out she was the generation that was told they could have it all, me too, generation X. As are my closest friends

Here is what has happened to us Gen X er's.
DC1 at 33, DC2 at 39
DC1 at 38
DC1 at 42 with donor eggs after 7 years of ttc
DC1 at 34, DC2 at 36
DC1 at 35
DC1 at 35

We are all between 40 and 47 now, Of the five of us with one DC, three of us wanted more but ran out of time/luck. I also have two friends who have not had children but wanted them, they never found a partner sadly. In fact it was more the lack of men that meant we were all later starters, though three of the group are high fliers ( but balls to the DM who always make out it is gen x women fault, what about the ruddy men!)

[Scaramazar]

No, you?re not unreasonable! I had never been interested in weddings or babies. My DH and I married in our mid thirties. Soon after, it seemed the opportunity to have kids would go away if we didn't try and we thought we might always regret it. I was still somewhat ambivalent about motherhood even while pregnant but then relieved and delighted that all the mothering instincts suddenly arrived along with our baby girl. Sadly we weren't able to have any more and this has indicated to me how sad I might have felt a few years later if I'd not had any.
That said, you can't guarantee a perfect child, physically, intellectually or in temperament. Even straight forward kids are exhausting and frustrating for mature adults who are not used to a child's world. Add a difficulty or two on top and you might wonder where your lovely life has gone. Nothing can prepare you for the relentless 24/7/ 365 days-a-year responsibility of being a parent - for 18+ years! But when I really wonder what on earth I was thinking of, I remember that what my sister-in-law said is true. 'There is no feeling in the world like holding your own baby'. And finally, a quote from Liam Neeson on the subject (which DH might find interesting): "It's extraordinary to look into a baby's face and see a piece of your flesh and your spirit. It makes you realize you are a part of the human race." Credit: Liam Neeson on www.brainyquote.com

[BikeRunSki]

bibity My feelings once we'd started ttc were same as yours. When I didn;t get pg immediately I was dissapointed (only took about 6 weeks though). Did get pg pretty much straight away this time. I realise I am very, very lucky to have got pg to easily in my late 30s/40s.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

My timeline is almost exactly the same as BikeRunSki's. I got together with my dh when I was 28, married at 31, but was 38 before I had my first dc and had dc2 exactly two weeks before my 41st birthday.

All that time between 31 and 37 I was waiting to be sure I wanted a child. As soon as we started ttc and I didn't get pg, I knew for sure that I really wanted a baby!

[CoteDAzur]

My first was an accident with DH at age 33. I remember very clearly being hugely pregnant and still wondering (and not admitting to anyone) if what they call "mother's love" would come to me because I felt no maternal feelings whatsoever.

Those came some months after she was born. I went on to have another, a much wanted DS. They are the light of my life, my little munchkins of love whom I would die for.

Go for it. You will regret it if you don't.

[Alconleigh]

I find this topic v interesting as well. I am about to turn 35 and adamant I don't want children, but slightly concerned that this might suddenly change, overnight, as it has done for some of the posters here. Sod's law being what it is, I worry that will happen at about 41, when it's by no means an easy business. Nothing to do but wait and see I guess. Sorry OP, I have added little there!

[Twowillbefine]

Some really interesting messages here. Makes me realise my experience is very common! Been with DP since university, no desire to have children, nieces came in late 20's but didn't make much impact (although vaguely sad they didn't have cousins). Turned 30, still not bothered; avoided other people's babies.

Then around 32/33 began to feel a bit different and, out of the blue, my mum sat me down and said if I did want children not to leave it too late as she'd had an early menopause (38 I think). Which sent me into a tailspin and I suddenly did want a baby.

Had to persuade DP a bit since he really wasn't bothered but came at an opportune moment regarding what he wanted to do so we went for it and rather surprised that it happened so quickly. Had DS1 at 34 and DS2 at 37. No regrets.

Am very impressed with people thinking through issues like SN. I certainly never did. DS1 is autistic and only just talking (4.7). That something like that might happen never even occurred to me. And I'm not going to say something facile like, well you just cope, because some of it has been (and continues to be) bloody difficult. But he is amazing ... and said "DS1 loves mummy" today for the very first time.:o

[RevoltingPeasant]

Hmm, earlier someone - toptramp? - said it's not about wanting a baby, it's about wanting to be a mother.

That IS what I want - I think. Last year I was part of a pilates class with 6 other women who all had DCs, ranging in age from newborn to 19. They all worked, and I loved hearing about their busy, full lives - the hectic day at work, coming home to make dinner and joke with their kids, off to exercise class while DH put them to bed, planning what to do with them on the weekend... I have worked so hard throughout my 20s, and I want that warm, chaotic, comfy if knackering family life.

[wellamI1981]

I'm almost 30. We did it for a combination of reasons - one because friends are doing it (yes yes daft I know), two because we had everything in place - finances, house etc and three because I was diagnosed with a health problem which made me panic a bit as we always figured babies would be part of our future. Additionally we really 'enjoyed' our twenties (got pissed a lot) but it was getting a bit tired and we were ready for a new adventure. I didn't go into it with any expectations, I'm not really cooey over babies, never had much contact with them etc. However please don't do what I did and think 'if other women can do it so can i'. Having a baby is THE most challenging thing I've ever done in my life and shouldn't be done without serious thought.

[Ephiny]

"I think what it comes down to is thinking - how would you feel if you got told tomorrow you'd never be able to have kids... For me it would have been upset."

Honestly I think I would be relieved....I worry about the finality of the decision not to have any, whether I'd regret it when I'm older, but if that decision was taken out of my hands I don't think I'd be too upset about it.

Of course with many things, you never really know how you'd feel until it happens...

[TantePiste]

that should have said 'endlessly interesting.'

[TantePiste]

I never knew I wanted children and was surprised by pregnancy at 36. Like thumbwitch, I never had any ticking clock or maternal urge whatsoever.

Now we have 2 dcs and wish we had started earlier so we could have had more. It's good, really good. Never been so into anything, endless interesting.

In retrospect, it seems like I was just waiting for a new adventure, without having really known it. There was room in our lives for these new young people. :o

[gapants]

just to come back to an earlier point raised op

My life has changed so much since having a child and I cannot imagine my life any other way now. The love I feel for my DS and my DH now is so strong it is hard to explain. I feel complete in a way I never knew, and I feel purposeful too. I have a career and I certainly do not live for my kids, but the love I feel and the bonds, relationship I have with my DS is like nothing I have felt before. I certainly recommend it.

I feel rewarded all the time and cherish all the time I am with DS. He is like any mother will tell you, perfect, to me.

My relationship with Dh has deepened as I have seen a new side to him as a father and a new dimension to him as a protector and husband to me. It feels whole. i never really contemplated what i was missing before as I was happy and fulfilled in a different way.

[toptramp]

It IS a MASSIVE biological imperative. That's why I got up the duff. Circumstances were irrelevant. Bloody hormones!

[toptramp]

Thats assuming you have a dh bumpasdaisy. I have no doubt that if I'd had a supportive dp I'd be on number 2 by now. As it happens I am quite determined never to fall pregnant again. I'm simply too selfish and miss my child free single life sooo much. However, dd is simply georgeous and i wouldn't be without her. See what you mean about contradoctory feelings. If you have a truly amazing dp and don't mind making a lot of sacrifices then go for it.

[allhailtheaubergine]

I absolutely did not want children. Was sure of it. Nooooo way. Not for me.

And than WHAM I knew I wanted to have children - not just wanted to, I had to. I needed to. Powerful, biological imperative.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Another thought I had - I think talk about the pros and cons, or whether eg. friends are actually kidding themselves that they are happy with their kids, is a bit simplistic.

The thing is that the experience of having children gives rise to totally contradictory feelings in you, simultaneously. Its very hard to describe but you love them to death, and are proud to be a mother and their parent and wouldn't change a thing, and at the exact same time on a sort of day to day level you wish to god it was bedtime/they would sleep through/they would eat their broccoli/they would stop fighting with their sibling/you could have a bit of peace/ you and your DH could laze around on a Sunday like you used to do pre-kids.

There are of course lovely times when it is all 100% positive - listening to your toddler sing a song for the first time, your child's delight at seeing you in the morning when they make it clear that you are the light of their life.

Children do give a lot back once you get past the very early stages - even a 5 month old baby shows you how much he loves you. It changes and deepens your bond with your DH too. Yes you may well have less sex and less romantic dinners, but that is replaced by a shared pride in and love for your precious first born! No-one else in the world thinks your child is amazing and extraordinary, but your DH does (and possibly the doting grandparents too!) This is a great thing to share together.

Its also fun to embark on parenting together with your DH. You feel like a pair of kids "playing" a being parents and its often a source of shared amusement and complicity as you feel yourselves turning into your own parents and stepping up to take on the role and be the grown ups.

I'm not sure "Borrowing" other people's kids can really give you a sense of what it would be like to have your own. There is nothing quite like your own child, who've you've made with the DH you love and who looks like you both.