to not know whether or not I want children at age 30

[svanhvit]

I am almost 30, have been with DH for 7 years and we are now in a position where having DCs wouldn't be a too much of a strain on finances/space (I think - I know its a strain whatever situation you're in). Most of my friends and aquaintances our age are having or have got DCs and they almost all say they just 'knew' they wanted kids when they got into their late 20s.

If DH really wanted to have a baby I think I would almost certainly say yes, let's go for it, as I know he would make a great father and that people don't tend to regret having their kids. But he is just as ambivalent as I am.

It's as if I don't have strong feelings either way, which sounds awful. I'm sure I would love my child, but equally sure I'd be just as happy carrying on with life as it is (and having loads of animals instead )

I am just looking for others' experiences really - did you always know you wanted DCs? Did you suddenly get that 'urge' when you hit your late 20s, or did some of you get it later in your 30s, or not at all? What was it that made you have kids in the first place?

RevoltingPeasant, nope that was helpful too, thanks If I could guarantee that our baby would be a healthy, low cost, constant delight that never got in the way of all my other interests I imagine I would be TTC right now!

i wanted children from my early twenties - i had worjed with youngstrs at a school. they were lovely, and i realised having my own ones would be even better than borrowing other peoples.

took another 6 years to actualy get to having my first for various reasons.

without the experience of working with children, would i have known what i wanted? Not sure.

i also would prefer to have children rather than babies.

Never wanted kids then finally started seeing a bloke who was a bit more sensible than previous fellas (at 35) then realised that having kids was suddenly an option and decided I wanted one (at 37). Few years struggling with fertility issues - during which we had a hell of a lot of fun - had first DC at 41 and due next month with DC2. I would have hated being a Mum in my 20s or even 30s - I just wasn't ready.

I was hit with sudden broodiness at about 25 and had my first child at 27 yrs. It totally took me by surprise, as I was a real career/party girl and I have no idea why I wanted a child so desperately. I can only put it down to meeting my DH at 24 and just falling completely in love with him and with the idea of us having a family together.

People are so, so different, though. A friend has just had her first baby at the age of 35. She was quite happy being a child-free, world travelling, corporate ladder climber ..but got pregnant accidentally and is now the world's most natural earth mum

Another friend thought she didn't want children - is an artist and has never been remotely interested in a conventioanl life - but is now 37, single and desperately broody.

And yet another friend is 43, never really felt the urge (although loves kids) and although happily married, she and her husband have decide dit is definitely not for them.

Give it a while. You (or DH) may start to feel more strongly about it one way or the other.

I never thought I would have kids. I didn't have the slightest interest in my 20s. I got together with my now husband when we were 27/28 and we both wanted the same. Around 30/31, my feelings changed. We ended up splitting up. He came back saying he had thought about it and did want kids but not yet. I said I was willing to wait, within reason.

By 33, I was completely depressed about the whole thing. I was definitely ready for kids, he still wasn't and we weren't married (we are both traditional enough to want to be married first). He proposed on my 34th birthday just as I had decided to dump him because I had to try to have kids and I didn't think he was ever going to be ready. We got married 6 months later and started ttc a few months later (we had to wait for the honeymoon malarial drugs to pass through - we decided we wanted one last big blow out holiday first). We had been pretty casual about contraception for a couple of years (sort of using natural family planning but not being careful at all) and started trying properly at the beginning of this year. 6 months in nada and we are starting investigations.

I do feel a bit annoyed at him for not being ready earlier. I have PCOS and guessed it wasn't going to happen easily for us and now at 35 I do feel that the clock is really ticking.

Anyway, that's my experience. At 29 I didn't want kids. At 30/31ish I did. I used to snarl at people who told me I would want them when I got older. They were right. The barstewards.

svan I think what is leaning me towards it, more constructively, is remembering my own childhood and how much fun my mum made things and how much I enjoyed it and being with her. I want to share that with someone else - baking fairycakes, making our own crayons from stub ends, going on rain-walks, learning the names of flowers, reading books that she used to love with her for the first time, fighting with my sister, and all the rest of it.

I want to do that again! Except getting to stay up late and have a glass of wine after it :)

Does that sound like a good reason to be a mum?

Also - so cheesy - but I want to attend my child's graduation day or other really special moment and think, look, I made that person, and now they're someone really cool doing their own thing...

I always knew I wanted children. It was a physical need. No logic or reason involved at all I simply had to have children.

I always wanted children at some point in the vague future. But it wasn't until I met DH that I realised I wanted his children not just my children. We waited a few years and planned to start TTC in 2012. Then in the space of a few weeks at the end of 2010, we decided that we really didn't want to wait any longer! The feeling really did just jump on us that we wanted a child ASAP, rather than at some point in the future.

Am 29 and expecting DC1 in October. DH is a couple of years older than me and one of the last in his group of friends to have a baby. I'm the first in my group...

I wasnt fussed at all until I hit about 33, but always felt like there was loads of time and never felt any rush. No idea why. I had DD last year at 35 and we're about to start trying again. And I want more than 2 kids now. Having DD has made me desperate for more and now I wish we'd started earlier.

Well, first of all, good for you OP for thinking about the whole issue so carefully. I wish more people gave such consideration to such a huge decision.

I'm 31 and childfree but just recently have become open to the possibility that I MAY change my mind one day. I think thumbwitch's idea is excellent - ask yourself, if you found out for sure that you could never (biologically) have children, how would you feel? Myself, I would feel relieved, which answers the question for me about whether children would be the right thing for me. You may find this questions helps you to be clear about how you feel deep down.

I also want to say how lovely it is to hear so many parents on here being positive about the childfree lifestyle. Other posters are absolutely right when they say there is enormous social pressure to reproduce, and I have had people say some utterly VILE things to me when they hear I'm not planning on having any children. It does seem to become an increasingly lonely decision as you get older so all supportive comments are extremely welcome

i never really wanted them and was still apprehensive even after three years of trying that included two miscarriages and two failed IVFs. By then I was on a mission though and by god I was going to give it my best effort to become a mum. Fortunately I had my son at 38 and am hopefully having a second child later this year at 42. (one more miscarriage and one more failed IVF later.)

Like others said, be careful how long you let your apprehension linger if deep down you see that you don't want to go through life without the experience of being a parent. We didn't even start trying until I was 35.5 and DH was still kicking against it, even as we went through all of our problems.

Yet he knew he did want to be a father at some point, and now says he would have been devastated if we had only been able to have one child.

So you've got to think about the long term and also time it so that you have the option of more than one child.

It all seems so theoretical at 30 but later on it will be far from it - it will feel like life or death if you decide you want it and it just isn't happening.

I think child-free is great for lots of people but ultimately for me I wanted to fulfill that biological destiny and move into the next phase of life. I had a great time in my 20s and 30s but it's only natural that lifestyles change as you get older.

RevoltingPeasant those sound like great reasons to be a mum and it sounds like you'll probably be a wonderful one! None of them chime with me, though, IYSWIM. I've never thought any of those things. I do love baking fairycakes, but I do it for my DH and friends and they always turn out crap

I was completely expecting you all to say to me, oh you definitely want them deep down, you'll regret if you don't, you don't understand until you become a mum etc. But your answers have been FAR more interesting than that and seem to be pushing me more in the direction of 'no' than 'yes'.

I always knew I wanted children, from my own childhood, which is why when women say "I don't" I always believe them, and never assume they'll change their mind.

Of course some of them then do actually change their mind (and a few were lying for career purposes in the first place) but actually loads of my friends are still child free, and given that we're all now the far side of 40, they're increasingly likely to stay that way.

I always wanted children and adore DD - having her was the best thing I've done. I suppose that very few people regret having children, but many people regret not having them.

I suppose it's selfish, but what would you think if you were 80 and had no children/grandchildren? Is it an image that you'd be ok with? Similarly, what if you found yourself alone at say 40 or 50? Do you think you'd regret not having children?

Hmm I think the real question for me, though, is something like 'If your child was really ill and you had to give up your job/ life to look after them long-term, would you be okay with that?' (Well, not okay, but ykwim...)

Or, 'If I had DCs and DP really hated being a father and left me, would I regret the break-up so much that I regretted becoming a mum?' 'Would I be prepared to be a single mum if something happened to DP?

Now those are tough questions. My honest answers are: probably not, don't know, and I think so. But I don't know what that means

RockinSockBunnies I'm planning to save up enough money to ensure I can afford to live in a retirement home or something when I'm 80 (whether or not that will be possible in the current economic climate is another question entirely. Might just go somewhere picturesque and chuck myself off a cliff if it's not). Definitely wouldn't want to burden any children that I'd bought into the world with that kind of stress/guilt/irritation.

Never wanted children and havent been around them since I was a child myself. The idea of starting a family started creeping in last year and the more I thought about it and talked it over with dp, I realised it was the right choice for us(well hopefully). :)

I am really interested in this as I never particularly wanted kids, never felt broody or maternal. But I aslo didn't want to get to 'too old' and suddenly be overwhelmed by regret that I hadn't had them (although I thought this unlikely as I did always feel I could be quite happy without any). As you say, people don't seem to regret having kids, but I figured by the time you've got them it's kinda too late! However DP was clear that he did want kids which tipped the balance for me. I still didn't feel maternal or broody while I was pregnant (although I was quite happy to be) DS is now 6m and I honestly couldn't love him more or imagine being without him. It's great :)

i didn't then suddenly did aged 30, so had dd. glad i did as my fertility then took a nose dive and i can't have anymore. the longer you leave it the less likely it is it will happen. for every person posting on this thread about having kids aged 36+ there will some one desperately trying and wishing to have a baby.

I don't think the way you feel sounds awful. I had the same sort of feelings as you. I'd been with DH for 6 years (married for 4) and fell pregnant at 36 with DS1 & 38 with DS2.

First one unplanned & was still unsure about becoming a parent all the way through my pregnancy & didn't particularly enjoy or make the most of it, and I still wasn't sure about it all until he was about 4 months old, which I now regret.

DS2 was planned (but happened quicker than expected) and I made a concious effect to enjoy everything.

Like jeckadeck I think that I could still have had a happy life without them. I love mine with all my heart but I'm not one of those who say I can't remember my life without them, I certainly can! Holidays were easier, getting drunk on a sunny afternoon, going anywhere you wanted at anytime! Now a day out is like a military operation, no lie in after 6 am, house always totally chaotic but you do adjust, become less selfish and the rewards are endless :)

We always discussed having children and knew we both wanted a couple of kids. We got married when I was 28 (we'd been living together for 5 years already) and it just happened at that time that friends of ours had just had a little girl. She was only 4lbs something when born and we saw her when she was about two weeks old, she was like a little doll. When I held her I almost didn't want to let her go, it was such a lovely feeling and I felt like crying with happiness at the same time, had never felt like that before!

Also at about the same time the house suddenly felt empty, like we were rattling around in it and life felt rather too ordered...

We had planned to leave it a couple of years after getting married to have kids but it kind of happened straight away - I was on the Pill and taking it but got drunk one night then very hungover sick etc...and we were a bit lax on the 'taking extra precautions' front.

So it ended up that DD1 was born just over a year after we were married :o and TBH it was a really good time everything considered for both of us to have kids and I'm glad we didn't leave it later. Obviously it doesn't work out like that for everyone but I was very glad we had "plenty of time" to have a second...I was 33 when I had DD2, the only thing is people keep saying "Are you having any more, you've got time you know?"

PredictableDullard yes, exactly, that one of my major concerns - leaving it too late (for selfish reasons) and then being desperate to conceive later on and unable to. All these people who did everything they wanted to then easily had kids in their late 30s/early 40s are so lucky but definitely in the minority I think.

But it's not as if I'm trying to 'do everything' before I have kids, more that I'm extremely happy doing with my life as it is now and can see that continuing indefinitely, without kids.

you can still do stuff with kids, you life doesn't end!

my sis doesn't hav ekids and is very happy

There seems to be a feeling that few people every regret having children. Isn't this likely to be because expressing that view is a complete taboo? Motherhood is sold to women as a fairytale,the fullest and most complete expression of what it means to be a woman, rather than a bloody difficult and often thankless job!

I work with parents and a good proportion of them give me the impression of not getting any pleasure or happiness whatsoever from their children. Whether they 'regret' their decision or not is not for me to say, but I imagine it would be really difficult to admit to feeling that you had made the wrong decision and probably would have been happier without children. I have seen a few comments to this effect on other threads, posted by some extremely brave people.

Kitty0608 and everyone else too - what are the rewards of having kids? Sorry if that sounds like the most stupid question in the world...