to not know whether or not I want children at age 30

[svanhvit]

I am almost 30, have been with DH for 7 years and we are now in a position where having DCs wouldn't be a too much of a strain on finances/space (I think - I know its a strain whatever situation you're in). Most of my friends and aquaintances our age are having or have got DCs and they almost all say they just 'knew' they wanted kids when they got into their late 20s.

If DH really wanted to have a baby I think I would almost certainly say yes, let's go for it, as I know he would make a great father and that people don't tend to regret having their kids. But he is just as ambivalent as I am.

It's as if I don't have strong feelings either way, which sounds awful. I'm sure I would love my child, but equally sure I'd be just as happy carrying on with life as it is (and having loads of animals instead )

I am just looking for others' experiences really - did you always know you wanted DCs? Did you suddenly get that 'urge' when you hit your late 20s, or did some of you get it later in your 30s, or not at all? What was it that made you have kids in the first place?

My mum and her mum went through early menopause in their mid 30's, so I wasnt in the position to think I've got plenty of time. Also dp is 11 years older than me and he didnt want to be an old dad. I think it made deciding a little easier for us.

JosieRosie my thoughts exactly. Some more honest discussion of exactly what all the various stages of motherhood entail is sorely needed in this world. I sometimes secretly suspect that my friends are putting on a brave front and making out like motherhood is way more rewarding than it really is. And then I feel like a massive bitch!

OP you could have been me a couple of years ago. We were in an identical position and just decided that i would come off contraception and see what heppened. I have never felt broody and certainly never had that yearning to be a mother than some women have. We had a fab social life, great group of friends, went on fab holidays and were very happy on our own. Luckily for us, we did conceive and DD is now 18 months old. It is the best thing we ever did. Don't get me wrong, it is hard, hard work and does change your life forever, but still every day amazes us. If we'd not been able to have a baby, we would still have been happy, but we are also very, very happy (and sometimes tired!!) now! And your social life etc does not need to go down the toilet. You just have to adapt it a bit!

Children are hard work, they can put a strain on your relationship and you really have to make sacrifices in terms of what you can do. It's a lot to take, even more so if you're not really fussed about having them. I'd wait for the urge to strike, or not, if I were you.

It's a lot to take on I meant to say.

I know it may be rather unfeminist of me to say it and I know it's not like that for everyone but I really did feel when pregnant and since I've had kids that it is for me "the fullest and most complete expression of what it means to be a woman". Gosh, yes it is often thankless being a parent and I was often scared to admit I was just bloody bored when DD1 was very little...I have to say it's never a dull moment now they are 5 and 2 though...

svanhvit, you're not a bitch at all. Your friends may well be feeling horribly guilty, depressed, lonely but not feeling able to share those feelings with anyone.

Another tip I read some time ago if you're feeling ambivalent about children is to imagine yourself in 10 years time - what would a perfect Saturday afternoon involve? If you cant imagine the scene without children, that may point you in the right direction. If on the other hand you're thinking more about shopping/cleaning/catching up on TV watching/planning a night out, that could be informative too! I found it useful anyway!

I was just the same as you. Until I was 33/34 I was completely ambivalent, wasn't bothered, was happy as we were etc etc.

I started to change a bit at 33, and then by 34 1/2 I found I really, really wanted a child. And now I am 36 and am still waiting.

I would advise you that, if you think that would might like children, don't wait too much longer. Good luck.

Josie I can't imagine that scene WITH children! However, as I haven't spent much time with children then it could just be failure of imagination rather than meaning that I definitely don't want them.

Ariesgirl thank you, that is probably very good advice. And good luck to you too, I hope it happens for you.

Those who have said it is hard work and not to be taken lightly are of course right. I think bringing up children is very hard work and if you expect it to be all about pushing prams and coffee mornings and baking buns, you're going to be disappointed. In the beginning especially when DD was very small, it was, as one friend described it, 'relentless'. And now DD is a toddler, it is hard work in a different way, but that's not to say that i regret it in any way!
But i don't agree that in order to make the decision to have children you need to have spent the previous x years daydreaming about your little bundle of joy. I definitely didn't have any strong 'urges' to have children!

I never wanted them at all, but married DH knowing that he wouldn't be happy without (and, crucially, knowing that he was prepared to take on the primary responsibility), so we had DS last year. (I'm 36, and we'd been married a long time - DH had to work very hard to persuade me!) It's really hard work, and I think I'll find things easier once he can communicate, as I'm not brilliant with babies, but I adore him and haven't regretted having him. The thing that makes it worthwhile is seeing the person emerging - from newborn blob to 10-month-old individual with a real personality and views about things - and he's changing and developing all the time.

Having said that, I can easily imagine that if I'd married someone who wasn't keen, or not married at all, I would have been absolutely fine about being childless.

svanhvit, that's a good point - do you have any children you know who you could spend time with - children of friends etc? No substitute for practical experience eh?

JosieRosie this is a very interesting point: I have often suspected that there are people or more specifically women because there are certainly some men who regret having kids (I mean by sheer force of numbers there must be some, right?) but wonder what proportion of the population is is. Certainly its a massive taboo and you're not going to get many people 'fessing up to it except maybe in their cups. I think, though, that even if you find motherhood itself very challenging, most people do love their children or at least come to some sort of accommodation with them. The two issues can be decoupled. Having said that, I think there are probably people who find it so difficult that they find it very hard to relax and enjoy. What kind of people are you working with who seem not to like their kids?

Josie two of my close friends with babies are about to move nearby so will definitely be getting involved and offering to babysit! Having said that, when my cousin was a baby I don't remember taking any interest in her whatsoever, apart from to teach her rude words when she was in the 'copying what everyone says' phase of learning to talk. But I was only 19 at the time, and I love her now she's 10 and we can have proper conversations.

I hadn't planned on having children, but I think curiosity just got the better of my husband and I, plus the feeling of 'what if?' I had my first aged 36 and my second at 39! They have completely enriched our lives and hopefully made me a more patient and sympathetic person, not only towards them, but towards others as well.

I am 30 too and feel the same way. I used to be absolutely adamant that I didn't want children, now feel that I could have one, but certainly don't feel any urge or want to do so. My DP does strongly want to have one (he'd probably like more than one tbh but that's not happening!) and I'm starting to feel I'd be willing to have one for him.

But like you, OP, no strong feelings either way. I guess I just don't really see the point, and no one has ever been able to give me a good, logical reason for having a child. For most people, there might be rationalisations afterwards but usually it boils down to 'I had them because I wanted to'. Which is fair enough, but no help if you don't feel that want!

As a rule I prefer dogs to children, but could probably cope with looking after one human child among the dozens of rescue dogs I envisage in my future :) Absolutely could not imagine living the rest of my life without dogs/animals though.

i knew since i was a wee girl i wanted kids i wanted a football team DP and i fell pregnant in the first month of ttc and have our glorious DD who was just the easiest baby/toddler in the world we still went clubbing, to pubs, the cinema, friends houses the lot and tbh without half as much preperaration as others seem to have!! then we really struggled ttc this time around as i'd been on the depo prevara injection for 3 years and it wouldnt come out my system after 16 months off it. in desperation i took to the good old internet and read somewhere that a course of the pill flushes the injection out. dont know if it was that that done it but a month after coming off the pill i was pg with this one and am due october :). that feeling of not being able to concieve DC2 was agony ive never felt a pain like it in my life.

on the other hand a friend of mine was adament she wasnt having kids period, then at 19 had a mishap with the pill and now has her own cherished DD. i think for those who dont want them there arent many who do have them and then regret it.

Ephiny, I agree with you about not having more than one - DS will be our one and only. Partly because my pelvis is kaput after having him, but partly because even though I have one and love him I have no confidence that the same miracle would happen a second time - I don't feel any more positive about children in general just because I have one of my own. Also I'm the breadwinner and I'm facing up to a career change, and there just isn't time to do it all before I'm too old to have more children. DH is a bit disappointed, but it's nothing like the crushing unhappiness he would have felt if we'd had no children at all.

Ephiny Yes, a fellow animal lover! I'm envisaging some chickens, a pig, a cat, a shetland pony and some indian runner ducks in my future. And if anyone ever hints to me that all the animals are child substitutes then I will punch them in the face be mildly irritated.

jeckadeck, I work with parents of children under 5 - that's all they have in common really. I see quite a few parents who have NO IDEA what on earth to do with their child - as in, quite literally do not know what to do when they are around them, other than feed/water/wash/dress them in a mechanical fashion. They don't chat or play with them at all. They look as if they had never spent any time with children before having their own, and that they are finding the whole thing an utter nightmare. I know everyone has bad days and not everyone is mum/dad of the year all the time, but their lack of attachment to their children is really worrying.

I read a study some time ago (cant remember any details, sorry, pathetic I know!) that asked parents whether they would have children if they had their time again. 70% said no! Food for thought...

I didn't particularly want children at 30 but started to change over the next few years and by 35 (and single) I did want to have them but thought I'd left it too late. At 37 I met my DH and we married 9 months later and started trying for a baby straight away - I fell pregnant within 3 months but sadly miscarried. I then (surprisingly) fell pregnant again about 6 weeks after that and DS was born 6 weeks before my 39th birthday! I had serious problems with my blood pressure towards the end of my pregnancy - this may or may not have been to do with my age but equally could have been my weight or just luck of the draw. I do think that I've been very very lucky being able to conceive at my age and that unfortunately the same doesn't happen for everyone.

It's been a bit of a culture shock as we were used to a different lifestyle but absolutely worth it in so many ways!

Josie That study sounds...bizarre. Why on earth do most people have more than one DC in that case? But it's definitely something to think about, I will do some research and try and see if there are any similar studies. Maybe the study was asking people with particularly difficult teenagers or something.

Google 'ann landers childfree survey' or go to www.happilychildfree.com/ann Sorry, don't know how to do links

I love my DS to bits - he's funny, beautiful and laughs and loves unconditionally. However, if for any reason I could go back in time, I wouldn't have had him. In fact, I wouldn't have any children at all. I don't know whether this is because of my relationship breaking up or the fact that I look around me and see so much "unimpinged" youth that I feel like I have aged far beyond my time. I am only just embarking on a proper career and can only now see just how much freedom I gave up in having my son - yet the irony is that I had him precisely because I was finally embarking on a career and knew that if I didn't have one then, I wouldn't have had any at all, and the thought of that scared me as I did not want to look back in regret at what could have been.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense