Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

A child kicking an adult under the table is irritating. The op is just making excuses for her DD by saying she was only being playful, that she is only four, and surprise surprise she started to cry.

I also think that for a child to kick an adult (who has already told her off) shows a bit of a devious character. The child wanted a response from her actions.

Perhaps the man's response was aggressive but I think the op should take some responsibility for her DD's behaviour.

TotallyLovely, thanks for your comment.

I'm at work now and havn't had to time to read, let alone write a response to all the questions.

I'm surprised at the strong views (which I feel like I'm being hit over the head with) but fair game if I post something, I don't necessarily want people just to agree with me. Name calling, assumptions about me and my child, my values do not seem fair game. I thought this was a site for moral support?

Thanks to the those who have shown a bit of understanding.

Right off to do a days work, so I pay the bills and get my obnoxious 'dick' of, a child through fee paying school.

Seriously ladies, I think some of you need anger management. Just like my friend's husband...

Prettybird, I would be astonished if I met other Mumsnetters on this post and they said some of these things to my face. I'm sure everyone is lovely, really.

So you're going to ask AIBU and the only people you're going to respond to are those who agree with you?

I haven't been rude or called your child names. And as I said, you started it. Shouldn't dish it out if you can't take it.

Having caught up on the rest of the thread from last night and reading some of the wishy washy 'Oh he had should have pleaded with her to stop' type responses...

It beats me how the hell people are going to be raising their kids in the future. I mean smacking is outlawed by most...and now some people are seriously saying you should never react angrily to being hurt by a child you are close to.

Why on earth not? Anger is a natural human response. We all feel and show anger at times as is our right when someone has made us angry. Children need to know this...it's part of learning about life.

So if people are seriously saying we can't even angrily say "OI, STOP THAT"...what does the future hold for the discipline of kids?

Are we supposed to produce flashcards from our pockets with little angry or sad emoticons so we don't upset the precious little darlings as they're 'playfully' turning our shins blue and purple?

Oh and I've not said anything on here that I wouldn't say to your face.

Cheery do you not see how wrong it was of your daughter to be kicking? and how you rewareded her by putting her on your knee?

Fm, are you about 12?

Cambridge Dictionaries defines moral support like this:
If you give someone moral support, you encourage them and show that you approve of what they are doing, rather than giving them practical help.

As most posters do not approve of your DDs behaviour and your own reactions, then you won't get much moral support, MNers tend to be direct to the point of bluntness. If YWNBU, then you would have found heaps of moral support coming your way.

No, why? What is wrong with reasoned debate?

I had a friend who swung my 18mnth old DD round by her coat hood quite viciously and roared NOOOOOOO THIS WAY NOW!! because she turned to face some birds in the street and called 'Hello bird, Hello bird'. I was laughing at the time, before this incident but my friend was not amused. As far as he was concerned, DD should go in the direction we were walking with no deviation, because DC do as they're told, not as they choose.

I felt sad for friend's DS if his father thinks that behaviour is appropriate.

He is no longer my friend, and hasn't been since that incident. He has no idea why I no longer want to be friends with him, even though I have clearly spelt it out.

If you don't like the way this man dealt with your child's behaviour, my advice would be to avoid him. He probably wont change.

From the MN site itself..

"Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support."

But you asked were you being unreasonable, you've been told by most posters that you were. I don't think the "moral support" applies across the board. If you post in AIBU you have to be prepared to take it if you're told you are.

Unless you believe it's one rule for everyone else and a different one for you?

In the entirety of this thread has anyone explained wtf a 'playful' kick actually is?

I've said nothing I wouldn't be prepared to say to someone's face. And I would have no qualms saying to your dd "Oi Stop It" and not felt guilty in doing so Both dh and I have done exactly that on planes when a child has been "playfully" kicking our seat from behind (although we are more sympathetic if it is a toddler - and would then ask the parent to try to contain their child).

If you want support for feeling bad about your dd kicking other people and your friend's dh reacting aggressively, then don't post in AIBU - post in Relationships or Behaviour/Development or even in Chat.

By posting in AIBU you invited opinions, not support - and the fact that the vast majoirty did not agree with your assessment of the incident should give you pause for thought.

Foofffy - no. The op didn't see the kick, she was sitting beside her child, but she didn't see it. But she knows it was playful. Apparently.

I don't give moral support to simply any whacky opinion just because it has been posted on MN, nor do I believe that that quote from MNHQ is actually asking us to give our unthinking support to every thread on MN.
I have to believe that the opinion merits my support.

Seymour... No, but when you watch it, you'll know what I mean within the first ten minutes. It's your name...

Ok, just something to ponder...

Little girls do like to swing their legs when sitting down,she could have been just excited to be having lunch/just happy? An adult man with (I imagine) long legs would have been right in front of her?

I have not seen anywhere in the op that suggets she viciously went for him?

I also have not said it is alright to kick,please get some perspective -she is 4!

A happy swinging of legs could be annoying,thats when a quiet "watch out" would have worked.

I don't think op has been given a fair chance, I believe she has now become defensive as she feels attacked ...especially as this is her first AIBU post:)

OK, then, I'll try to say it in a morally supportive way...

You are being unreasonable, hun.

JoySzasz - I think if the OP had been able to justify her child's behaviour as 'leg swinging' instead of 'kicking', she would already have done so.

Fm, this feels like a slanging match, and rather ugly.

I can take people not agreeing with me. The situation over 300 messages or so seems to have become a tornado of a debate about telling off other people's kids and posters creating their own version of what happened. Perhaps my fault as I didn't give enough info. Sitations are never black and white and it is now clear to me, this isn't the fora for serious issues, or intelligent debate. In reality, this isn't that serious!

I honestly now have run out of energy to keep this going.

And this is my explanation of a "playful kick"

It can happen

But cherry I haven't engaged in any sort of a slanging match with you and you have directed some quite nasty comments at me - like me being annoyed at the school your child is going to, and asking am I 12.

.