to keep trying to be friendly with someone who quite clearly can't stand me ...

[wudu]

...or should I just accept the the fact that she doesn't like me and just move on

I have a rocky 'relationship' with a colleague. Nothing has actually happened, as such, it's really quite odd. The more I try to be friendly to this person, the shittier she treats me.

To put it quite bluntly, for whatever reason, she can't stand me.

I have tried and tried over the last few years (to the point where I hardly recognise myself at times) and eventually came to the conclusion that she's never going to like/respect me, so fuck it, I just can't be arsed anymore and I completely ignored her.

I don't mean ignoring her as in saying nothing when she spoke to me btw, I mean ignoring her as in making no effort to try and converse/get on. I thought this would make me feel better and more empowered. It made me feel 10 times worse

I have tried again to speak to this woman, and quite simply, she just won't acknowledge me. On the rare occasion that she speaks to me (and I do mean rare!) it is a curt one-word.

Gah, I feel like such a knob for keep trying, and everytime I do and get knocked back/ignored, I end up feeling more shit about the whole thing.

Wtf is the matter with me?! Why can't I man-up and accept that this woman doesn't bloody like me!

What do other people think about her?

A couple of times I have had these situations and it turns out that the other person has existing problems relating to other people.

In my last job I was due to work closely with a colleague. She had appeared great before I started the job and I was looking forward to our working relationship, but as soon as the work started she became extremely awkward. Literally one week into the job she came to me with a long list of complaints about how things were organised. She even wanted to reorganise the furniture in the workspace for the one day a week that she was there.

However, looking back at what I then found out about her...

Another member of staff refused to work with her
She had previously had a huge blow-up with the manager
She had left another organisation on such terms as she could not consider going back

THere were a few other things, which did lead me to the conclusion that it wasnt a problem solely with me.

"A couple of times I have had these situations and it turns out that the other person has existing problems relating to other people."

I've also found that these kind of people make other people feel awkward.

The more you try to ingratiate yourself on her the worse you're going to feel about yourself.

The woman's an idiot!

I think garlicnutter is on to something. I have an irrational dislike of anyone that resembles a girl that I did not like by way back when I was young. To this day I dislike anyone who looks like her. Nothing could make me be anything other than polite to someone that reminds me of her.

They could fall over backwards trying to endear themselves to me, and it would not work, if they resembled this person, such is my dislike for her.
You should stop trying. Self respect and all that.

"Nothing could make me be anything other than polite to someone that reminds me of her."

Snap out of it !

OP, I do sympathise. I shared an office with someone who wouldn't even say "good morning" to me, for no reason at all. I really hadn't done anything to her. She was known for being temperamental, but I can say that it really got me down. Unless you've been in that situation you can't appreciate just exactly how horrible it is. This went on for about a year, with me getting more and more down about it until in the end I taught myself not to care. That made the situation liveable with.

Like all the others, all I can say is that you have to teach yourself not to care, or at least give the appearance of not caring.

She can smell your fear and is now under your skin. People who cannot treat others with respect for utterly idiotic reasons like they remind them of someone at school they didn't like, deserve no respect themselves. They are behaving like children.

Keep your distance.

I have been on both sides of your situation and in the end there is nothing you can do except learn to accept it. Because it IS irrational. Whatever is at the root of it (if anything), it's not going to change just because you're nice to her - chances are it will just make things worse so as everyone else has pretty much said, take a step back, treat her with cool professionalism and nothing else. Don't engage with her unless you have to for the job - and be as short with her as she is with you otherwise you'll look like a pathetic puppy begging for attention.

You're never going to change her opinion of you so accept your role and move on; or if you can't accept it then you might have to consider not working there any more. Sorry.

The other option is to get her on one side and say, 'you don't appear to like me and it is making my time at work really miserable. I would appreciate it if you acted more professionally'.... Sometimes confronting these prize bitches is the only way.

Leave your job because someone is being a bitch to you? Are you for real?!

Aw Wudu I feel v for you. This woman's response to you has hurt you for so long; she sounds horrible tbh. You are jumping through hoops to win her over but really, who needs the approval or friendship of someone like that anyway?

I think when you asked her if there was a problem and she laughed yet continued to behave in the same way..that in itself says a lot about the kind of person she is. Any decent person would have examined their conscience at that point and changed tack, if only for the sake of harmony at work. It's the not knowing what the hell it is you may or may not have done that's the bugbear.

Is she well liked by others? Is it just you that gets this treatment?

I also wonder if you are like this with other people. Do you feel you must be liked and adapt accordingly around them until they do like you? I can be like this. I feel I must find common ground at all costs and I dislike it hugely in myself as a trait.

I've a suspicion that if I was in your situation I might, when I was younger anyway, have been just as hurt about it as you are and also just as annoyed with myself for trying so hard to change things; which makes you feel very frustrated at yourself.

I'm not confrontational; but that stems from growing up in a home where arguments were not dealt with in a healthy way at all. Arguments/ differences of opinion between my parents were truly awful scenes and the fallout would last for weeks and weeks of simmering resentment, so I was always of the view that I must avoid friction at all costs and try and get on with everyone even to my own detriment.

In recent years I've tried very hard to empower myself against this and it feels good to think 'actually I don't give a toss, you can't win them all' because in order to be friends with absolutely eveyone you'd have to sell youself short at some point and be someone you are not in oder to please.

It's fine not to be liked by some people. Who cares? No doubt as you are clearly lovely there are lots of people in your life who think the world of you.

(Anyway you don't like her either so ner to her )

Poor you Wudu. Have quickly skimmed this thread so hope I've got this right - you're working with little brownie-like people - she's not setting a very good example!!! If you don't normally have firendship issues it's obviously her not you - rise above it if you can. Continue to be courteous and cheerful just to make a point but waste no more time worrying about her, the grump.

I've read the entire thread and I still just don't get why you care?! The whole situation is just bloody weird - you've effectively stalked a friendship for 4 whole years, she's still behaving nastily. It's not going to change love, it really isn't. As long as you can still do your job, then for god's sake, let the whole damn mess go. Let go of it. You are quite clearly (and very effectively) emotionally self harming by continuing to pursue the situation. And the suggestion that you get a one off counselling session is a good one - you need to work out why you care, and how not to.

Find your own professionalism and start being the grown up here. You can't change her, only yourself.

I haven't read the thread but I think it is human nature to want to be liked. However nobody is going to be liked by everybody. If you have tried lots of different approaches to get her to like you, maybe she thinks you are multi-faceted and doesn't care for you for that. Maybe if you were just yourself she wouldn't be thrown by the different 'faces' you have shown and learn to tolerate, if not like, you better?

Or, you could get pissed at the Xmas party and wail like a banshee "for years I have tried to be your friend, why don't you like me dammit" before vomitting into your handbag and falling asleep in a pot plant?

I think you need to stop trying, it's just making you feel worse about yourself!

So, the friendlier you are towards her, the more she withdraws, and you have periodically tried being rude and ignorant to her, but you don't like it because you are not one of nature's rude and ignorant people? Surely there's middle ground between the two approaches? Just be neutral and polite, there's no call for anything more, it's work, you don't HAVE to be buddies and you don't have to like everyone.

When I did my MA, there were a couple of people on my course who were just twats. One of them reduced me to tears one day, but in fact he did me a great favour as I had a kind of epiphany, crying into my coffee and fags in the student bar in the aftermath, that not everyone will like me, I won't like everyone and it really doesn't matter. I am no longer the kind of person who strives to make everyone like me and a lot happier for it! You say yourself this woman is not an essentially pleasant person, so why do you mind so much that she seems not to like you?

I feel for you. I don't think it's a bad thing to wonder why people don't like you and I think that responses from people who say 'it's simple, it's her problem not yours' not at all on your wavelength.This kind of response also makes you feel worse because you are adding the worry that you 'should' be less sensitive to your other worries about what you may have said or done. I also think that it never ,ever, ever ,ever works if you ask people upfront about this because they will never, ever tell you the truth and you will end up looking like you are over sensitive when you are not. I also echo what someone said about being professional. Obviously the other woman isn't but your ability to deal with unpleasantness is part of professionalism too.

IMO I think it is a GOOD thing to wonder why people don't like you. I wish more people did it. Examining your actions and motives is what makes us develop and be more pleasant to be around. People who say they really don't care are the kind of people who I would not want to be around.

So. Ask yourself:

1. Do you have good, long standing close relationships ?
2. Do you have frequent invitations from friends and acquaintances to do stuff with them ?
3. Have you managed to hold jobs down, complete courses etc ?
4. Do you take a shower everyday ?

If the answer to these questions is ' yes, most of the time ' then whatever it is about you that is bothering this woman then it is not a serious issue that you need to keep worrying about. Take it from me every single body has incidents like this in their life. It's usually not possible to get to the bottom of it. You can't make your self into somebody who doesn't care but I am guessing you're younger than me (most people are !) and as you get older and wiser you'll accept yourself more and therefore accept that you are ok and other people's behaviour does not need to affect you.

Does this make sense ?

You don't have to like or be liked by everyone. If it's just someone at work you only need to be civil.

Aww I had this problem with a girl I used to work with, I took an instant dislike to her - she was odd, I couldn't put my finger on it to begin with but all became apparent and she turned out she had issues (which I won't go into as they will out me) but included treating and talking to staff like they were beneath her. I gave her a gobfull in the end and reported her for being unprofessional. Thankfully she was only covering maternity leave so there was an end date. .

Anyway - in your position I would just say. "For whatever reason, you don't appear to like me, I am beyond caring about this anymore, but I would appreciate it if you could at least be civil to me in our office and stop being an ignorant bitch."

She can laugh at you all she likes, she sounds a nasty cow. You shouldn't care that much, you can't make someone like you. That is life.

People with poor social skills abound, and not everyone will like you - often for reasons that have nothing to do with you per se.

The two combined can be very offputting.

My approach in this sort of thing is to try to be friendly, but if continually rebuffed just to be professional and otherwise ignore.

It sounds like she is being "assertively unpleasant" though, so you may have to prod her back a few times at first to keep her off your back

Your boss sounds weak wdu.

If you are telling your boss that this lady is acting in a way that is unprofessional toward you and/or treating them in a way that makes you feel like your confidence is being undermined then they should act to sort the problem out. Regardless of who is at fault, being left feeling like you just need to ?man up? is simply not good enough.

The difficulty is that the longer someone is left free to act in this way the harder they are to deal with. It is highly likely that your boss just does not know how to deal with this situation or just lack the balls to tackle this issue.

I might sound harsh, but a few years ago I took over an office, there were two women who acted rather like the lady with whom you work. ?I have tried again to speak to this woman, and quite simply, she just won't acknowledge me. On the rare occasion that she speaks to me (and I do mean rare!) it is a curt one-word.? Yep, workers complained of this type of behaviours and others that were very similar and just as subtle. For years and years managers just told people to man up or made excuses. When I took over I got stuck in and involved HR (to many good people were leaving in tears). Guess what HR?s prognosis was? Bullying. End of. Behaviour unacceptable.

If you boss won?t deal with it, be yourself, act as you would if this person was behaving in a ?normal? way and make a record of her responses. You would then be quite within your rights to meet with your boss and ask for some action. If she is still being weak and won?t help call a.c.a.s and ask their advice.

I know I sound really harsh and intolerant but ?not liking someone? is not a good enough reason to be unprofessional. I also get on my high horse a bit because one of the hags that caused so much trouble nearly made one really fantastic girl leave and spoil her career. How dare she!

What is she like with other people?

"Guess what HR?s prognosis was? Bullying. End of. Behaviour unacceptable"

I think it's the same phenomenon going on with the OP - so much so it's making her a depressed and unable to fight back.

OP next time she gives you a curt one word answer - step it up a bit - tell her to knock it off speaking to you like that. Say you're going to go sort it out right now, and then go do it. You shouldn't be treat like that in any work place whether it's voluntary work or not. Employment laws still apply. This woman's got away with it for 4 years!

You need to get your power back. Don't be afraid!

She's a narcissistic bully.

Reasonable or not we all do that from time to time. It's easy to say walk away but I know how you feel. Just remember the people who DO love and value you as well.

I am taking a bit of a guess here, from a clue I picked up, but is there any chance of any underlying prejudice or discrimination in her attitude towards you?

Wudu I can really empathise with you. I agree with an earlier poster who said it's perhaps difficult to empathise when you haven't been in this situation. When you are subjected to this degree of coldness, rudeness and dislike on a daily basis it really undermines your confidence and can affect your work performance.

I am in a situation like this with one woman at work. She is known for being a bit brusque but seems to crank it up a notch for me. It seems that she looks out for any little mistakes I make and makes a big show of pulling me up on them [she's not my manager although she is senior to me although in a different profession]. Similarly she keeps me waiting for the things I need from her to do my job, always saying she'll get back to me and then doesn't, leaving me to chase her.

When she speaks to me there is a look of distaste on her face and she is brusque to the point of rudeness. She has also tried to meddle in regards to my work contract and hours [I cannot give too much away as it may out me].

I also 'admire' this woman for her knowledge and experience and feel it's a shame that we cannot work together in a harmonious and professional manner without her dislike of me being apparent or without her attempting to obstruct and undermine me.

However I take comfort from the fact that a great number of my colleagues do seem to like me and even keep in touch with me whilst I am on mat leave.

I do agree with one of the posters who said this sort of behaviour is bullying. I am wondering if anyone here on this thread who is in HR may have an opinion on that?
I think in my situation I may well have to "man up" and confront my colleague directly next time she is off with me and ask her to explain herself. Failing that it may then become an issue for my manager to deal with.

The only thing I would add bootymum is if you can, see if you can speak to your boss first about how you are feeling. Talk through with him/her some examples that you have written down (best records are handwritten and recorded straight after the incident), be specific, factual and if you are able to, say how the woman?s behaviour impacted on the business (this last one can sometimes help jolt some bosses into action who previously felt no need to get involved. This one should be easy for you as she keeps you waiting when she has said that she will pass you what you need). Say to your boss that you want to sound her out and/or seek her advice.

The reason I say this is because people who bully are often very sneaky. My worst perpetrator was very devious, as soon as she got a whiff that someone was thinking about confronting her behaviour she was in my office creeping and schmoozing ?oh, I?m so upset, I have a feeling I may have upset so and so....well, you know, I don?t mean anything by it?. I was polite and didn?t give her much time because I knew what was going on. Rubbish was she upset, she was trying to wriggle out of things (as she had been able to do so many times before). If you see your boss first and this women does approach her at least she has the opportunity to be impartial and not make any comments that would make things worse.

Making a scene of mistakes is another classic nasty tactic (but so easy to make a record of)! ?Manning up? and speaking to her straight after she has been rude or made a fuss of a mistake might work. What I have often seen with this approach though is the bully managing to wriggle out of the situation. This is because they will be more bullish will often have caught the bullied person on the hop or in front of other people.

What I have really seen work though are meetings with the manager or supervisor, the bully and the person who feels bullied. It is very hard to wriggle out of something when another person has recorded what you have said and done and how it made them feel.

In all cases, in my experience, it was not the 'bullied' who needed to 'man up' but the bosses! Thing is some bullies have been going so long that even their bosses don't know what to do, it's hard.