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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to keep trying to be friendly with someone who quite clearly can't stand me ...

109 replies

wudu · 15/06/2011 23:20

...or should I just accept the the fact that she doesn't like me and just move on

I have a rocky 'relationship' with a colleague. Nothing has actually happened, as such, it's really quite odd. The more I try to be friendly to this person, the shittier she treats me.

To put it quite bluntly, for whatever reason, she can't stand me.

I have tried and tried over the last few years (to the point where I hardly recognise myself at times) and eventually came to the conclusion that she's never going to like/respect me, so fuck it, I just can't be arsed anymore and I completely ignored her.

I don't mean ignoring her as in saying nothing when she spoke to me btw, I mean ignoring her as in making no effort to try and converse/get on. I thought this would make me feel better and more empowered. It made me feel 10 times worse

I have tried again to speak to this woman, and quite simply, she just won't acknowledge me. On the rare occasion that she speaks to me (and I do mean rare!) it is a curt one-word.

Gah, I feel like such a knob for keep trying, and everytime I do and get knocked back/ignored, I end up feeling more shit about the whole thing.

Wtf is the matter with me?! Why can't I man-up and accept that this woman doesn't bloody like me!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/06/2011 00:31

If it were one of your DCs, wudu, with the same problem at school... what would be your advice to them?

Original poster
wudu · 16/06/2011 00:32

To ignore them, because they're not worth worrying about.

I know I should take this advice myself btw Sad

OP posts:
Primalscream · 16/06/2011 00:34

Wudu - ime - the only people who's approval we seek are people we really like and admire. If she wasn't 'your thing' you'd be relieved she's ignoring you.
There's obviously something about her you like, or you honestly wouldn't give a toss. And the fact that this has been going on for years is further proof .

Primalscream · 16/06/2011 00:35

Appalling typos - sorry ( it's late )

Original poster
wudu · 16/06/2011 00:42

I agree Primal. I've said on a couple of previous posts that I really admire her.

She's very talented and I think I could learn a lot from her.

It's very hard to explain without giving too much personal info away.

OP posts:
mrsjohnsimm · 16/06/2011 00:43

Set fire to her desk. Then you'll have a reason for her to dislike you and you can move on...

garlicnutter · 16/06/2011 00:44

I'm going to take a slightly different approach. Assuming she's not the same with everybody else, there's something she doesn't like about you. She might not even know what it is - it's irrational. You say she has lousy people skills so, if your perfume gave her hives or something, she'd tell you wouldn't she? More likely you resemble the girl who bullied her at school, or the one her fiance ran off with, or your voice sounds like her evil grandmother's or something.

It's irrational, but it's her feeling. You're a nice person, so you respect other people's feelings, yes? So respect hers. She can't help the way she feels, so knock off the friendship assault. It's far, far kinder to respect her :)

Original poster
wudu · 16/06/2011 00:44

That's a leeeetle extreme mrsjohn,

I'll keep it in mind though Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
wudu · 16/06/2011 00:46

I hadn't thought of it that way garlic. I've been too busy trying to work it out.

What you say makes sense though ...

OP posts:
Omigawd · 16/06/2011 01:03

Is she like this with everyone else or just you?

HellAtWork · 16/06/2011 01:53

Wudu have only read your OP and first few posts and then skimmed so apologies if this has been said already - can you imagine what she might have been like at school? I see upthread someone said about how you would advise your DC if this were at school, but I have found it interesting to consider how 'difficult' colleagues might have fitted in at school and sometimes, it's given me enough of an insight to crack what it is that is making us not rub along too great. I think if you knew what it was about you she dislikes or why ( even as trivial as she thinks your voice is too deep/high-pitched/scratchy and she hates literally listening to you speak) you'd feel able to think ah well fuck you too to yourself and continue on your professional way outwardly.

Morloth · 16/06/2011 04:08

You actually might be weirding her out a bit.

From what you have posted I would be a bit weirded out by you and trying to keep my distance.

If she is rude, call her on it, otherwise just leave her alone.

peanutbutterkid · 16/06/2011 04:19

Just leave her alone, say as little as possible.

It could be worse... DS's best friend, his mother loathes DS, loads of little things have convinced me of that. I keep thinking that if she really got to "know" him she might think different, then again, I may be delusional. Else I just keep hoping that DS finds a nicer best friend.

lifechanger · 16/06/2011 04:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Animation · 16/06/2011 06:43

CLEARLY bullying to me - to have such a hostile attitude to you in the workplace. Bullying takes on many forms - and this woman CLEARLY makes it known to you that she 'can't stand' you. Pretty bad behaviour - and most work places don't tolerate it and have policies for dealing with it. It's beginning to have a damaging effect on you.

You can either -

Stand up to her

Report her

Or leave

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 16/06/2011 06:48

Start your own group.

Goblinchild · 16/06/2011 06:54

I'm not commenting on your situation OP, but I find some of the people I work with excessively needy and too fragile to have personal friendships with.
I can work with them, polite and professional, but one or two are reminiscent of teenagers at school. For example, I turn down FB friendship requests regularly and they feel hurt. They want to chat about personal topics like children and home life ad I really don't want to.
I tend to avoid the staffroom when they are the only other person there, because I find them too annoying to cope with 1:1.
But I'm a cat person, not a dog person.
I'd try and accept the fact that the relationship between you needs to be professional acquaintance and work on developing your own coping mechanisms.

Goblinchild · 16/06/2011 06:55

I think the comments about bullying are a bit OTT, the OP does seem to have been trying for years to have a relationship and perhaps the OW is feeling under pressure too. Especially if she has poor social skills and appears rude.

thaigreencurry · 16/06/2011 07:04

I think you have already answered your own question. You said that she lacks social skills. The problem is hers not yours.

I think there is jealousy, she probably wishes that she had your ease in social situations and wants to be more like you. Thats why she laughed when you asked her outright, she has trouble admitting the problem to herself let alone you!

Continue to be civil and lighthearted with her just don't make too much of an effort - she isn't worth it.

Animation · 16/06/2011 07:14

Like I say bullying takes on overt and covert forms. There's no need to be hostile and treat people shitty at work. I get the impression that over the years the OP's confidence has eroded around this woman to the extent she's gone into people pleasing mode. The OP is not liking herself the way she has become - in this woman's presence.

The way I see it you have to either fight it or flee - because just sitting in it - around a person like this every day just increases anxieties. Not good. She probably makes other people feel a similar way.

Does she have an inner circle that she's friendly with - if so, I should imagine that makes you feel even more excluded.

MoChan · 16/06/2011 07:38

There's no excuse for treating someone badly, even if they don't like you. There have been people I haven't been able to get on well with, but that I've had to work with, and I have always tried to be completely civil and friendly towards them. The only way in which I have been 'not-nice', is to tell them (in a completely civil and polite way) when their behaviour/attitude/work was a problem.

If I were in your situation I'd tell her that I thought she was behaving badly, and ask her to be at least civil to you in the future. I appreciate that this is not always the most easy or even politic thing to do, however.

Ragwort · 16/06/2011 07:49

Wudu how often are you with this person? Is it just a weekly meeting? I do quite a bit of voluntary work and have had, on some occasions, to work with really awkward people. One situation was particularly difficult as the other person involved clearly didn't like me at all, but she obviously needed my input (there wasn't anyone else Grin) - eventually I moved away so the situation resolved itself.

I think if you have tried to get on for 4 years and it is upsetting you this much perhaps you really need to think about whether you have to continue with it or take your skills elsewhere. It is just not worth getting this unhappy about a voluntary role.

In some ways it is almost harder to understand how people can be so difficult in a voluntary role, but some people get incredibly caught up in their own self-importance. I know you will feel you are letting people (children?) down, but maybe it is the time to step away and join something new? I have joined a new group and feel like a different person Grin, my input is valued, people ask my opinions and I really enjoy my role.

jeckadeck · 16/06/2011 08:29

I don't understand why you keep trying, tbh. Its commendable that you are trying to be friendly and professional, but if someone has it in for you that obviously then continuing to care is a bit weird and masochistic. I'd be prepared to put money on the fact that at least part of her aversion to you is based on the fact that you are trying too hard. I think if you grow a pair and show her you don't need her approval or friendship her attitude may well change. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if you're in a hole....

NotJoiningIn · 16/06/2011 08:43

I have a colleague that I really don't like. In my case, it's based on the fact that she is not very good at her job and other people (not always but sometimes me) have to cover for her. In addition, I just don't 'get' her, her social skills are awkward and I find it hard to talk to her. She knows I don't like her, although I have tried to cover it up, and once referred to me 'giving her the cold shoulder', which I ignored and changed the subject. But if she was desperately trying to make me like her, I think I would be even more irritated. I think you really have to leave it now. I don't like the way I feel about my colleague, but I cannot help it and I remain professonal at a distance.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/06/2011 08:49

That's it in a nutshell, wudu, people can't help their feelings. You can call her on her professionalism towards you, you can expect to be treated politely as a colleague - after that, we don't have control.

Accept that you're not her cup of tea and stop trying to make her like you, it will never work. Focus your friendliness where it's appreciated.