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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep trying to be friendly with someone who quite clearly can't stand me ...

109 replies

wudu · 15/06/2011 23:20

...or should I just accept the the fact that she doesn't like me and just move on

I have a rocky 'relationship' with a colleague. Nothing has actually happened, as such, it's really quite odd. The more I try to be friendly to this person, the shittier she treats me.

To put it quite bluntly, for whatever reason, she can't stand me.

I have tried and tried over the last few years (to the point where I hardly recognise myself at times) and eventually came to the conclusion that she's never going to like/respect me, so fuck it, I just can't be arsed anymore and I completely ignored her.

I don't mean ignoring her as in saying nothing when she spoke to me btw, I mean ignoring her as in making no effort to try and converse/get on. I thought this would make me feel better and more empowered. It made me feel 10 times worse

I have tried again to speak to this woman, and quite simply, she just won't acknowledge me. On the rare occasion that she speaks to me (and I do mean rare!) it is a curt one-word.

Gah, I feel like such a knob for keep trying, and everytime I do and get knocked back/ignored, I end up feeling more shit about the whole thing.

Wtf is the matter with me?! Why can't I man-up and accept that this woman doesn't bloody like me!

OP posts:

springydaffs · 15/06/2011 23:57

sorry, that was a bit rambly

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:00

Queefer - I think on some level that yes, she could be jealous. I'm certain, however, that it's not my beauty, aptitude or intelligence

Pithy remarks have been made along the way ...they haven't helped [understatement]

Beg - there's no-one higher to go to, it's a fairly small voluntary organisation, with just one boss.

I think maybe I'll take a break for a bit and try to come back with a more positive attitude about the whole thing.

OP posts:

Primalscream · 16/06/2011 00:04

Maybe you're trying too hard and she's not into gushingness ( I've just made that word up )

Relax and don't worry about it - she's just one person in a world of billions....

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/06/2011 00:05

"I know I have to accept it. I just don't know why I find that so difficult."

Perhaps it is difficult because it is so irrational? I read something once about how we all search for meaning, looking for patterns in randomness, explanations for the inexplicable - that his is part of how we reason things out. I reckon if you could put your finger on why she dislikes you - whether it was jealousy over your clothes, your resemblance to the girl who bullied her at school or that you used a perfume that makes her heave - you'd have no trouble getting past this. It's because you don't know her reason your imagination (looking for patterns in etc.) is probably, at some level, telling you everyone else feels the same but they have better people skills than she does and hides it better. Which affects your self-confidence? And makes her irrational dislike difficult for you to get past?

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:05

Springy - I've not flogged the horse for the full 4yrs. I've had periods within that where I've just given up completely and have been rude/ignorant back.
That made me feel much much worse.

I've tried keeping my distance, but that didn't make me feel any better either.

This part of it is totally my problem - I know that. I can't make her like me. The whole thing makes me loathe myself.

OP posts:

begonyabampot · 16/06/2011 00:06

'She's rude, sharp and has absolutely no people skills whatsoever.'

Maybe that's just it - some people are just not that sociable and are lacking in social skills. If this is the case then she almost to be pitied (unless she wields power over you) and just don't make any effort and avoid her. Others will see this too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/06/2011 00:06

wudu... As it's been going on for four years now, I think, if I were in your position, I'd book a one-off session with a good counsellor and talk it through. You're obviously having great difficulty with this aspect of your working life and considering that we spend a lot of hours a week working, it needs to be sorted out... in your own head if nowhere else.

I want to slap this woman for you, forgetting that I've been that woman myself. It's not nice, it really isn't and you're the better person, just remember that and rise about the disagreeable creature.

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:09

Whereyouleftit - I think that's exactly it!

I don't know what I've done or why she dislikes me so much. I agree, I think I'd find it so much easier to get past it if I knew.

She won't tell me though - I asked her and she laughed, argh!

OP posts:

begonyabampot · 16/06/2011 00:10

Whereyouleftit

you are right. My new neighbour who I was initially friendly with started treating me funny. I immediately looked at myself and thought 'am I a good neighbour/what have I done etc? Took a while to realise that she was nuts and causing trouble for lots of people in the community - nothing to do with me. She did cause me some worry and distress though until I worked out that she, only she was the problem - much easier to let go then - the bitch!

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/06/2011 00:11

Ref my "everyone else feels the same" ramble - not saying that's the case, just reads a bit like that . But her irrational dislike of you makes you question your likability rather than her behaviour.

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:12

Beg - yes, you're right. She really lacks social skills. And I'm probably more on the 'sensitive' side too, which clearly doesn't help!

Lying - I'll give you her address - go get her for me

OP posts:

PotPourri · 16/06/2011 00:13

Just ignore her. The whole thing you said about hardly recognising yourself - I'm not trying to hurt you, but you could be coming across as one of those over keen, but superficial geeky types.

It's not doing your selof confidence any good bending overbackwards for another rejection. Or your image with her. Just get on with things on your own, ignore her (like really, not just the "stop expending any more energy on this").

She will come running to you in time I reckon.

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:14

where - I knew what you meant

OP posts:

Animation · 16/06/2011 00:14

Wudu - seems to be impacting on you like Bullying in the Worplace - making you anxious. She sounds hostile to me.

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:17

That's fine Pot - I agree. I hate the person she makes me be.

I could almost be stood infront of her shouting "like me, like me you fool!"

She'll never come running, but that's fine.

I recognise that it's what I do about it that matters, not whether a miracle occurs and she changes her opinion of me.

I really do want to know why though

OP posts:

Primalscream · 16/06/2011 00:19

Maybe she thinks you fancy her? - you do seem over keen on her 'approval'

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:20

It doesn't matter animation.

It's voluntary. All I will be told is to either keep trying, just ignore her or leave ...

OP posts:

Primalscream · 16/06/2011 00:21

Actually - reading your last post I think you're madly in love!

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:22

primal - if there's one thing in all this that I am certain of, it's that it's definitely not that

OP posts:

begonyabampot · 16/06/2011 00:22

One thing not to like you but if she is being a bitch and bullying you - then you should be able to at least bring it up with someone. How small is this organisation?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/06/2011 00:24

You can wonder until the stars burn out, wudu, you won't know the reason why. She probably doesn't know it herself - and she doesn't even have the decency to be civil with you.

You really have to look at protecting yourself and making yourself 'not care'. It's human nature to want people to like us but some just don't and won't, no matter what we do. It's also human nature to try to make them like us so that we know it's not a flaw in us, but sometimes it's just nothing to do with us and we don't have control.

Why do you want to know so badly after four years? If she were to say to you, "Wudu, I don't like you because you have thin eyelashes"... are you going to superglue some more in to please her?

Stop running and chasing her approval and she may just start to wonder why she doesn't have you doing that anymore... then you can have the satisfaction of being truly aloof and really not caring.

Are there no other colleagues that you can be friendly with?

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:25

Hmm, without giving too much away, it's like a stand-alone version of the brownies.

One boss (brown owl), several helpers (voluntary) and lots of children.

OP posts:

Animation · 16/06/2011 00:28

She sounds a bit toxic to me if she's affecting your identity and makes you fragment when you're around her. She's not healthy is she.

Would be great if you could tell her to fuck off - the miserable old buggar!

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:29

No, I wouldn't 'change' myself as such, to please her.

But if there was something that I specifically did which pissed her off, then obviously I would try to stop doing that.

Yes, I do have some lovely friends there. Another reason why I shouldn't care as much as I do ...!

OP posts:

Original poster

wudu · 16/06/2011 00:30

Oh God yes animation

OP posts:

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