DH being unreasonable? Or am I expecting too much?

[jambomum]

My DH announced last night that he doesn't want to spend all his free time with our 2 kids and doesn't see that there is a problem with them spending 2 hours on a Sunday morning watching TV whilst he reads the papers. DS is 6 and DD is 2.
DS has complained that DH ignores him - so he is feeling it.
I've suggested that DH have some time to himself by arrangment and that he plays with the kids instead of reading the paper - that didn't go down well.
I think this is all related to how he grew up (with split parents and a nasty SD) whereas my family was/is very close and supportive.
Help - what do I do about this?

I don't think either of you are spending very much time with DC during the week - pretty much homework, food, bed. To the DCs this seems that they have been accommodating their parents' grown up time all week. Then you each get an individual lie in at the weekend. Then you do things as a family, including supermarket shopping which is a bore for adults let alone children or something like tennis which is probably a bit of a big ask for a 6yo and younger sibling with 2 adults and therefore a frustrating bore.
I am a SAHM with a v helpful DH who is happy to be in charge at weekends, although I do take the DCs to all the after school things during the week. I therefore scanned the whole thread to see if I was being harsh in my judgement, but if there is no specifically child centred time in your life for one parent both DCs or even better one parent / one DC then I think you are both being very unreasonable in expecting a 6 yo not to be acting out and demanding attention.

I'm with SpringChickenGoldBrass from what you've said I can't see your DH is doing anything wrong. He's a present and committed parent but he wants a bit of down time on a Sunday morning which I don't think is unreasonable. He might be a bit short and tough with your little son but I don't think there's anything wrong with that kids are apt to milk attention for all its worth. And if you communicate to your children that being a parent means sacrificing everything to your child's every whim you're not sending a very good message to them about who you are. Its good to send children the message that parents had and have a life before and outside them.

OP, start getting the groceries delivered once a week (eg at DCs' bedtime - one of you puts kids to bed, one of you deals with the shopping), then you'll only need to top up with things like milk. Thats, say, 90 mins at the weekend for doing something FUN, instead of shopping

Demonstrating to children that reading is an enjoyable and relaxing thing to do is one of the recommended to encourage a love of reading so your DH is doing an excellent job

I'm also not sure that it's good for the DC to come first all the time. They need to know that sometimes the needs of other (including thier parent) come first. DS has been complaining your DH ignores him, but is that becasue he's heard you say it?

I think it is positively unhealthy for dc to assume they come first. Certainly it is not at all unreasonable for them to realise that their parents need some time to themselves too and a couple of hours reading the papers on a Sunday hardly constitutes neglect.

I also think the OP might be wise not to intervene in the relationship between her DH and DS. I know from experience that my former DH had a different way of involving my two sons in activities and at times I thought he could be impatient but on reflection, it was only when I hovered around, monitoring what they were all doing that there ever seemed to be dissent.

As for the "trauma" of skinned knees, I'm afraid that the reaction to the reported incident seems way over the top. I'm not surprised that the OP's DH was a tad overwhelmed by the consequences. Of course it hurts to skin a knee but heck, the OP's child has a whole childhood of minor accidents in front of him. If each and every one is allowed to turn into an episode of Casualty then he'll grow up to be a complete hypochondriac as well as a drama queen. I'm afraid to say that anyone skinning their knees playing tennis with me and former DH was cheerily picked up and comforted proportionately to the injury. We'd never have gone home as a result of such a minor incident.

It strikes me that the main issue is that the OP and her DH have a totally different style of parenting and somewhere along the line a middle course needs to be sought and a rather more chilled attitude from the OP would assist in achieving this. Also, she shouldn't encourage her ds to start playing the poor abandoned child routine because actually, a little less of the pfb attention could have a beneficial effect!

Parents just differ. You have to find what works for you both. I like to read the newspapers at the weekend. In fact at one stage as we both worked a day at the weekends we found a local sixth former who came on Saturday mornings to give 4 hours of devoted attention to the toddler twins whilst one of us drove the older children around or read the papers whilst the other worked. It worked fine but there would be plenty of people who would say every second at weekends should be with the children. you just have to work out what works for you.

Most of all children want happy parents and if you need some peace on your own without them even if you need to pay someone to achieve that that might make the rest of the time with them better. It worked for us.

if the children are with their father then you must let him deal with them in his way which won't be your way. There may be things you do with them and ways you treat them he thinks are awful too but you just have to live with it and accept that childre benefit hugely from seeing different points of view.

OP, it seems that you feel a lot of guilt for working full-time and not seeing your children in the week. Thus you want the weekend to be all about the family and nothing but the family. When you are having your lie-in, you expect your DH to fall in with this.

However, your DH obviously doesn't feel the same guilt at working as you do - society expects women to be super-mum, stay at home mum, all about her children mum. Dads just don't have the same pressure. He thinks that spending Sunday morning reading the newspaper is fine - and so long as your children aren't actually neglected, it is fine. If children aren't allowed to amuse themselves every so often, they never learn how to, and expect constant entertainment, which is a bad thing.

Would you going part time be an option? Perhaps if you got to spend more time with your children you'd be a bit more laid back about the whole parenting thing and your weekends would be a bit less fraught.

PS: Tennis with a two year old? Surely you mean messing about in the park with a bat and ball??

I don't see what is wrong with reading the papers. He is an equal partner-I would think that you would be fed up if he gave you instructions on how to interact.

Depends on the weather but we usually do a wholesome fun family trip on one of the weekend days and the other one slob around the house incorporating a hildrens film after lunch during which DH and I read the papers (children 4 and 2). Didnt realise this would be unacceptable to some people ie OP

kerala, we're exactly the same : fun day out on Saturday (generally) and mooching round the house on Sunday (apart from Church) - mooching includes long sessions reading the papers while DD (3) plays/potters/watches a bit of TV. She's very good at amusing herself because we've let her. DH and I work fulltime but we tend to mooch around in the same room so it's not like we leave DD totally alone!

I just don't think you get what people are saying: your criticism of your DH and indulgence of your child's moaning about him isn't making them closer, and getting a parenting expert in is just going to make them worse.

I think your expectation that he play in that two hours on his hands and knees is unreasonable, sometimes if my husband is having a lie-in, I go down and switch the telly on, so what? If my husband thought this was unreasonable and wanted me to see a parenting expert because he thought I was neglecting the children and not building a bond I would be very cross.

If you are worried about them bonding, stop trying to put them together and make them do things your way (e.g, doing homework together). Let him find out what he likes doing with them his way, including reading the paper whilst they are playing independently.

I think Xenia's point is a good one: different parents bring different things to the table. YOu may be very warm and hands-on, your partner is bringing a bit of perspective, less child-centred but still very much a father. He spends the whole weekend with you, he does place the family first but if you keep criticizing him it will back-fire and he will be resigned to being in the wrong and keep away from you all.

And I think if he started off crying to Daddy last night, and telling him his worries, then you would have been better to stay out of it, even if he was upset. Let your husband deal with that, including things he may not like to hear. My children sometimes cry or say I've been unfair, or get upset about not being believed if I doubted something they said (which happens). No biggie, I can take that on the chin, let your husband do the same without your constant interventions.

Just thinking - how is your DS's with reading?

I often do something with DD on a Saturday morning, then we get home, have lunch and while I read my paper, she'll either read a book or I'll get her a comic or First News and she'll read that.

Perhaps making it family reading time might help?

humble apologies to Dandy lioness for lack of punctuation sorry did not proof read so there may have been spelling mistakes too

I see OP has not been back since she got cross with us for not saying " yes you must make Dh parent the way you want when you want."
my DD is only 18 months and she plays happily on lounge floor for 30-45 minutes while I read paper/ work on computer in fact sometimes she get up beside me and starts "reading" too she is much better at entertaining herself in the mornings by 5pm she does need more attention she gets plenty

Even now when she falls which she does often and she insists on running pell mell everywhere mostly i say jump up and if she jumps up we carry on if she cries i give her a cuddle say its alright and then we carry on when she has stopped crying.
When she was really sick with croup, ye,s we dropped everything to keep her amused, cuddle her, tempt her to drink etc, but it's not good for any child to have that much attention the world does notr revolve round them

my Dh gets time alone when i take DD to church, i go to the evening service and out for supper and he then watches her its just fair, learning to play/amuse oneself on your own is an imporatant life skill.

I think OP and her Dh need long discussion on joint parenting , when they stand united as one, and when each does it their way, what you play with or chat about is to the individual

while visiting supermarket is not fun family time , children have to realise that boring stuff has to be done, and if you have to go to supermarket I agree with Dh, you have to go and DS has to come with good grace not whinging all the way there and back

OP just because most people disagree with you do not take it really personally I don't think either you or your Dh are bad parents, you posted in AIBU and yes YABU to expect DH to do things your way however it is not unreasonable to expect your DH to talk to DS about it and reassure him he is loved etc, and maybe helping your son learn how to amuse himself in shorter bursts say i'm reading for 30 mins then i'll check on you, have breakfast then I will read papers some more and you can watch your favourite DVD or whatever

OP, can you turn it around on its head, so that your kids think Sunday am is a TREAT - ie, on Saturday ask them to do chores or something to "help out", and if they do it well they'll get the choice of ANY DVD on Sunday morning, with a croissant, or whatever breakfast they'd class as being a treat!
It means they feel loved/appreciated, you get your long lie, DH gets to read his paper. Win-win.

There's a lot to read here, so I may have missed it ;-) but where are you OP when DH is reading the Sunday paper?

Your DH sounds just like my Dad. Nothing interrupted the paper or sport on TV. I vividly remember getting hurt in a game of cricket in the garden and complaining that I never got any sympathy - from then on when ever I was hurt he'd say "sympathy sympathy sympathy" and then we'd get on with things.

I don't remember him playing much, but we did a lot together, golf, fix the car, gardening etc. Basicially his time was always mine if I was prepered to fit in with him and then from time to time I'd get to choose. Which after all is how life generally works - you don't get to choose all the time.

If he felt I'd behaved badly or under achieved he'd tell me, often harshly (still does) but if I'd done well he'd be very proud and tell everyone (still does). Much more effectove praise, than well done for every little thing.

Mum was much more always there and "just do your best" which was vital for balance at the time, but now, I'm much closer to my Dad and will always go to him first if I need help or have some news. He somehow seems more interested / like it matters more

With mine nothing interrupted the tv, newspaper, football . . . er anything actually! Ever!

Sorry OP but you are the one who needs to change. You are doing your DS no favours at all by encouraging him to whine and snivel and insist on having his own way and to sneak all the time 'Bwaa, Daddy won't do exactly what I want' - if he behaves like this he will have no schoolfriends. Were you a whinyarse as a kid? You're reacting a bit like one now 'Bwaa, everyone's being horrible to me, find me a boss to tell everyone they have to do what I say.' If you carry on like this your H might even decide to walk out and leave you to it, because No One loves a whining, controlling, poor-ickle-me, I'm-gonna-tellmy- mummy/lawyer/therapist on you! type of person.

Wowfudge - having a lie-in.

so OP lies in for 2 hours on a sunday whilst DH reads the paper...but he's the one ignoring the kids...
does he get a lie in the previous day?