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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH being unreasonable? Or am I expecting too much?

121 replies

jambomum · 14/06/2011 12:23

My DH announced last night that he doesn't want to spend all his free time with our 2 kids and doesn't see that there is a problem with them spending 2 hours on a Sunday morning watching TV whilst he reads the papers. DS is 6 and DD is 2.
DS has complained that DH ignores him - so he is feeling it.
I've suggested that DH have some time to himself by arrangment and that he plays with the kids instead of reading the paper - that didn't go down well.
I think this is all related to how he grew up (with split parents and a nasty SD) whereas my family was/is very close and supportive.
Help - what do I do about this?

OP posts:

TotallyLovely · 14/06/2011 12:52

They seem slightly different issues to me. The not being sympathetic when your son hurts himself I can sort of understand but that's because I have a dd that cries as though she's broken a limb for ever tiny scratch and we have finally lost patience with her! It's hard to tell if it's that, or that your DH is being a twat but not showing his ds some sympathy and not wanting him to cry, or if you are mollycoddling your boy and your DH is fed up with it from what you have said on here.

The attention thing I'm not sure either. I think you need to give more examples. It could be that you are right and your DH is not giving your son the attention he needs (been there as that child and it's not nice) or it could be that you are expecting too much. More info please.

BsshBossh · 14/06/2011 12:53

Um, I also have to say I am of ther buck-up way of parenting my DD. Of course when she falls down I kiss and cuddle her but if I let her carry on crying for longer than a few minutes then she's cry on forever! I kiss and cuddle for a few minutes then distract her big time so we can carry on. It's just a different way of approaching things. You and your DH sound quite different in these two respects - but it doesn't sound like he's BU.

Original poster

jambomum · 14/06/2011 12:53

Fred - that's exactly how I think it will be - I often think of that song.
DH has a very distant relationship with his parents which I find difficult at times. I really want to try to avoid that with our kids.
I understand that the mother/son and father/son thing is different.
Tortoise - it isn;t about the 2 hours with the paper specifically -its about attitude. Although it;s awful to say and he is my DH, he is being selfish - whereas my view of parenting is that it is about being selfless.
Am I wrong to think that - or to expect it from him?

OP posts:

MumblingRagDoll · 14/06/2011 12:54

I think YABU. As for the skinned knees...I won't make much fuss after the initial rubbing it better....I have a 6 year old DD and she cries after falling....I try to help he to get over it with distraction. I mean...what was your husband meant to do? Fuss over him all the way home?

Im surprised you went home tbh....if DS didn't want to play anymore, but you, DH and the other DC did...then you could have let DS sit it out...but it seems like pandering to make the entired family leave the activity.

redskyatnight · 14/06/2011 12:55

Well it's a balance isn't it? If DH takes the children to the park for a bit and then reads his paper while they watch a DVD I think this is perfectly ok. If he's been working hard all week, I think it's reasonable that he has some "down" time. (as should you)

If you are saying that he is "never" available for the children, that's a bit different.

Callisto · 14/06/2011 12:55

I don't know, I would be a bit 'get over it' if DD had reacted to grazed knees this way - especially the crying all the way home. She is six too, and my sympathy runs out fairly quickly over minor injuries. TBH, nothing you have written about your DH makes him seem to be anything other than a normal parent who wants a little bit of time to themselves at the weekend.

Dropdeadfred · 14/06/2011 12:57

i assume that he would also look after both children for 2 hours at the weekend so you can relax (if you wanted to)?

MumblingRagDoll · 14/06/2011 12:57

Is it possible your DS has seen the tension regarding him and is seeking more? Kids of this age will do ANYTHING for more attention....even cause rows...I know my DD can be quite maipulative re getting attention.

captainbarnacle · 14/06/2011 12:58

He's a grown man. He can't change his personality. He's parenting as he sees fit. He's not being neglectful, he's just being the type of parent he chooses to be.

Yes, it's difficult to observe it and knowing that his relationship with DS may suffer. But that's your partner's concern. Apart from voicing your opinion on the matter, you cannot force him to stop reading the paper or give millions of hugs to DS when he hurts himself. THat's just not part of how he is.

Put forward your point of view, explain why you feel like that, and then leave it alone.

Wellnerfermind · 14/06/2011 12:58

Sorry but I had to smile at the 'trauma' of skinning his knees.

Can't your DH sneak off to the toilet with his paper like other men?

Or are toilet breaks by arrangement?

Original poster

jambomum · 14/06/2011 13:00

Yes he would look after them if I asked. But he doesn't plan ahead like that. He just does it, even if I;m not around and DS seems to have picked up on it.
Maybe just some chat/new ground rules required.

THanks for your help

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/06/2011 13:00

Well if my DS falls over and cries like your DH I will be sympathetic for a bit and then it all wears thin and I will tell him to get over it. He is a bit of a drama king and the more sympathy he gets, the longer he will keep milking it !!!!

You do sound a bit U reasonable to me, I cant really work out what DH is doing wrong to be honest!

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumblingRagDoll · 14/06/2011 13:02

I think OP that you really need to let your DH have his morning paper session. I am like the female version of him in that I am crap on weekend mornings...I like to surf the net and mainline coffee...in silence. DH will play wth them or feed them and then I will take over or we'll go out. Everyone needs me time...you ought to let him have his in peace.

MumblingRagDoll · 14/06/2011 13:03

Did your DS possibly overhear you saying that his Dad ignored him?

MindyMacready · 14/06/2011 13:08

MumblingRagDoll Tue 14-Jun-11 13:03:11

"Did your DS possibly overhear you saying that his Dad ignored him?"

Rings true to me.

Balsam · 14/06/2011 13:10

If he needs two hours to read the paper, it must be the Sunday Times. Switch your delivery to News of the World, ten minutes, done.

redskyatnight · 14/06/2011 13:13

I'd question a child's idea of "ignoring" personally. I can spend 3 hours doing 1:1 activities with DS and leave him for 2 minutes to make a cup of tea and he will claim I have been ignoring him all morning

grumblinalong · 14/06/2011 13:14

TBH I think YABU. Most DC's just need the background presence of a parent there and a bit of engagement to start tasks/games and sort out the resources but children are pretty good at seeing through adults who are 'trying' to play but their heart is not really in it - did you play alone/with siblings/other children when you were a child? It's good for someone to have no choice but to entertain themselves for a while without an adult cheerleading constantly. Boredom can be a great thing.

My DS1's dad isn't physically there for him alot of the time, he faffs around with access (brings him back early, collects him late, cancels last minute or simply just doesn't turn up, including forgetting to pick him up from school) and I'm sure this affects DS1 (7) more than if it would if his dad just showed willing and was in the background more. I think you need to give DH and yourself a break, you both sound like good parents.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/06/2011 13:19

I note yo0u say that being a parent is about being 'selfless'. I think you are running the risk of becomeing a sighing martyr and raising selfish whinyarsed kids if you do this. It is good for kids to see that adults need time to themselves, and for kids to learn to amuse themselves. And a kid who cries for hours over a grazed knee is a kid who does need to learn to toughen up a little bit if s/he is not going to end up despised as a whiner by his/her classmates.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/06/2011 13:20

This two hours, this is when he gets up with the kids so you can have a Sunday lie-in, yes?

And the rest of the weekend, you're out as a family playing tennis and whatnot.

I'm a pretty AP sort of parent, I second guess myself constantly about how much attention and love my DD needs (a LOT and it never seems enough), I don't believe in turning on the TV or the laptop until she's in bed except for her alllotted TV time. And I still think that a 6 year old who is going on about skinned knees so much that the whole family has to leave a game, and is still going on about it at bathtime (which, I notice, you and DH do together) needs a bit of bucking up.

I think that your response to your DH's parenting has been to overcompensate, frankly. You clearly think you are right and he is wrong in absolute terms. You keep pulling him up about it. You've asked on another thread how to find an independent expert to tell your DH he is wrong.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if your son has picked up on this and is playing you two off - crying to you about his Dad ignoring him because he read the paper, I know it seems heartbreaking but what I get from it is that your son has figured out that it puts you on his side against his Dad.

You need to back off and consider that there is a middle ground between your DH's style and yours, because as long as you think that you are the Right And Righteous Parent, which is absolutely how you're coming across, it's not going to get solved.

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 14/06/2011 13:30

Ditto on the grazed knee thing. In my house you get about one minute of sympathy for falling (including cuddling, ahh poor you etc etc) and maybe another minute if there is blood (including washing time).

After that I tell them I'm going to count to ten and if they have stopped crying but the time I get to ten they will get a reward. The reward is a biscuit or the promise of a treat later.

CoffeeDodger · 14/06/2011 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flisspaps · 14/06/2011 13:32

I still think YABU, even more so after the skinned knees trauma and having to go home because of it.

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