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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH being unreasonable? Or am I expecting too much?

121 replies

jambomum · 14/06/2011 12:23

My DH announced last night that he doesn't want to spend all his free time with our 2 kids and doesn't see that there is a problem with them spending 2 hours on a Sunday morning watching TV whilst he reads the papers. DS is 6 and DD is 2.
DS has complained that DH ignores him - so he is feeling it.
I've suggested that DH have some time to himself by arrangment and that he plays with the kids instead of reading the paper - that didn't go down well.
I think this is all related to how he grew up (with split parents and a nasty SD) whereas my family was/is very close and supportive.
Help - what do I do about this?

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 14/06/2011 14:39

Op I am also a man. so here is my opinion.

You have said nothing bad about your husband but your adament he is wrong. I think that you molly coddle your PFB and your son is playing on this.

Your son had a hart to hart with his dad then with you. (so he does listen) may be your son is just to clingy.

What else does your husband do where you feel your son will grow to be scared of him???

sarahtigh · 14/06/2011 14:43

I have quite a bit of sympathy for your husband and i think all the kleenex is just making situation worse instead of telling your DS you know daddy loves you and he works hard all week you should not let your son get between you or show that you disagree on parenting I think DH is right about knees for sure; it makes DS sound like a drama queen and you egged him on, the trouble with making such a fuss over grazed knees is that DH woul not believe at first if he did sprain his ankle read DS aesop fable about crying wolf or better still get DH to read it too him and then explain repsonse should be proprotionate. my 18 month DD would not make that much fuss

had friend and her DS staying DS is 8 was out with my Dh in garden having fun helping chop up fallen tree and put bits into trailer when he caught himself on a bramble small cut no blood he winced said ouch and carried on at lunch time he came in with DH and told his mum she looked at it demanded it was washed and covered in germolene and a plaster her DS told my DH later that his mum was a fusspot

your 6 yr old should be told kindly that daddy is reading papers and will go out and play tennis later, your Dh needs to explain what he is aiming for with your DS as his attitude is not wrong neither is he right on all points but then neither are you right on all things, parenting is about discussion on how we parent; not how you get Dh to do things your way, sorry I know this sounds a bit harsh its not meant to be harsh it just that boys need to be boys yes not cold emotionally but not attention seekers either try not to overcompensate for your upbringing by going too far in opposite direction and that is had I know as my own parents were lovng but did not believe in praise in case it made us big headed, praise happennned about 3 times a year but when it happenned we really knew we had done well

bagpusss · 14/06/2011 14:46

"Daddy never believes him that he has injured himself" could easily have been just the one incident...

Original poster
jambomum · 14/06/2011 14:47

OK, thanks to all.
Will toughen up my stance with DS too, as that seems to be the overall view. Tell DH he's a wonderful father and that he can leave the kids in front of the TV all day on Sunday whilst he sits and reads the papers and doesn't speak to them or play with them.
Glad I'm not a 6 yo in the modern world. When I was 6yo I was just a child and the world was a nice place and mum and dad were on my side and protecting me from the nasty things in life.

OP posts:
sarahtigh · 14/06/2011 14:49

what my parents did get absolutely right all the time is if I asked about something whether it was can i do x or y they would say what did mum/dad say then if i said i had not aked them i would get an answer if i had they they would say there is no need to ask me as the answers the same when i said the other had said yes when in reality they said no big deep trouble if Dh says Ds has to do something you back Dh up if you think he was wrong you tell him later, but not in front of DS the only time this would not apply is if life and death or you knew he was allergic to something and Dh had forgotten i agree with Mr Spoc

sarahtigh · 14/06/2011 14:49

earlier it was just 2 hours with paper

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 14/06/2011 14:54

You sound a bit of drama queen and martyr tbh. i mean *'trauma' ???

Maybe your dh reacts to your behaviour and maybe he even worries about turning your ds into drama queen too.

Also, can you see the language you use? : a) 'by arrangement', b) ' i find it difficult that he is not close to his family'

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 14/06/2011 14:56

Oh i 've just read your last post, not only YABA but very silly too.

vmcd28 · 14/06/2011 14:57

DH was doing his homework with him. DH reads his paper on a Sunday while you're having a lie-in.
He might start a thread on AIBU asking "AIBU to have to get up early on Sundays while my wife has a lie-in, yet I can't even do THAT right?"

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 14/06/2011 15:04

OP I don't think you need to take this as criticism you were the one who asked for opinions.

I crave time by myself as does DH and we structure this into family time. For example at a weekend, rather than all going to the supermarket to stock up on a few bits, it may be just me and one or both of the children to give dh a break for an hour so he or I can read the paper. We try and do this most days at the weekend. Its not always possible but bearing in mind the day starts at 6 - 7 am at the weekend it can be done. We always take in turns to have a lie in at the weekend separately on different days. Meaning only one of us will get up 6 - 7 am and leave the other in bed until 8 or 9. Works well for us.

vmcd28 · 14/06/2011 15:05

Just cos you're parents, doesn't mean that's ALL you are. Kids don't need constant playing with their parents. If you think he's TOO hands-off, then you tell him that.
A lot of what you mentioned is just the difference between mums and dads, or different ways to parent

CoffeeDodger · 14/06/2011 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vmcd28 · 14/06/2011 15:12

Your parents maybe protected you from the bad things, op, but it's clearly made you a bit precious and sulky.

Laquitar · 14/06/2011 15:13

'Glad i'm not a 6 yo in the modern world. When i was a 6 yo i was just a child and the world was a nice place and mum and dad were on my side and protecting me from the nasty things in life'.

This is not about lie ins ladies Grin

CoffeeDodger · 14/06/2011 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 14/06/2011 15:28

Op your last post was a typicle (i am always right) type of response.

Your husband may be really bad but you havent told us what he does that is so bad.

I stand firm, may be you need to realise that you are giving your husband a hard time and you need to get a grip.

Also how long does he read the paper for? How do you know if your in bed? (you said 2 hours before, now you say all day, i bet in reality its 30 mins).

DumSpiroSpero · 14/06/2011 15:47

I can see where both of you are coming from tbh, and sympathise as my DH can be a bit like yours (will take himself off to watch TV upstairs of a weekend and has been talking recently about DD needing to 'toughen up' - she is also 6).

Perhaps he could have his newspaper time once you're up and about so he can read them in peace, and enage more with the children while you are having your lie in. Or take them to the park via the paper shop on a Sunday morning so they can run round for a bit while he reads the papers on the nearest bench?

He's certainly not unreasonable to want a bit of 'me' time, perhaps it just needs to be 'managed' a bit better.

As for the 'toughening up' - tricky one, there's a fine line between no-nonsense and treating a child too much like an adult.

ChristinaEliopolis · 14/06/2011 15:52

I have to say I am a terrible over-scheduler with my children (always whizzing them from one thing to another) but Sunday mornings? They are made for flopping around, reading the paper. Actually, we usually watch the BBc News, followed by Andrew Marr and then read the paper. No engaging with the terrors children who are left to their own devices.

Three observations here - one, children should be left to play sometimes. Seriously, it is good for them. They are not the centre of the universe and they shouldn't think that they are.

Two, you cannot force the relationship between your husband and his children. I am very controlling too, and I know how hard it is if you can see a gap and want to fill it .... but it will evolve naturally. I worried about my oldest (grown up) children's relationship with DH because he worked such long hours but the love and respect was always there.

Thirdly, (almost finished Wink) children will always find your weak spot. My six year old will complain I never spend any time with her even when we have just spent an hour together. My seven year constantly claims that Daddy doesn't love him despite the fact that he has the most over-indulgent father in the world. They just love a reaction.

(And Sunday afternoon, we came home from the cinema and both grown-ups had a nap for an hour - how negligent are we? Grin)

ll31 · 14/06/2011 15:57

agree with prev post... completely!

BsshBossh · 14/06/2011 16:08

"He told me that Daddy ignores him on a Sunday morning when he reads the papers (whilst I lie in)."
So perhaps you could have told your DS to let him read the paper? This way your DS learns that every person has the right to relax in their own way.
"He also says that Daddy never believes him that he has injured himself."
So perhaps you could have told your DS that his Daddy loves him and cares that he's injured, that he did give him a cuddle but then it was only a little trip, to be a brave little boy and continue with football (or whatever it was).

You are enabling your DC to whinge and whine and pit you against your DH and vice versa. In short, you are spoiling him.

BsshBossh · 14/06/2011 16:10

PS, OP, my DH and I also work fulltime but still we let our DD (3) play on her own and make her own entertainment - it's good for her and she's excellent and playing on her own even though we also do loads of things as a family. I've actually watched her get bored whilst I've been reading the paper and seen, within minutes, her looking around the room and finding something else to do. I was like that when I was an (only) child too. It's a great gift, imo.

TotallyLovely · 14/06/2011 16:26

needs to understand that he must do as he is told, without objection (i.e. when told that we need to go to supermarket etc)

So what happens? Do you still go to the supermarket or did you not go as your DS didn't want to. My dcs might not want to go but they are still made to.

My DD is cries a lot about cuts as well and also doesn't want to put them in the bath but I don't pander to her as that will only make it worse. Why did you leave the tennis because of it? Surely you could have stayed? A grazed knee is still grazed whether out or at home.

When reading the paper if your ds asks a question or needs breakfast etc will your DH get it for him or is it stictly not to be disturbed time?