DH being unreasonable? Or am I expecting too much?

[jambomum]

My DH announced last night that he doesn't want to spend all his free time with our 2 kids and doesn't see that there is a problem with them spending 2 hours on a Sunday morning watching TV whilst he reads the papers. DS is 6 and DD is 2.
DS has complained that DH ignores him - so he is feeling it.
I've suggested that DH have some time to himself by arrangment and that he plays with the kids instead of reading the paper - that didn't go down well.
I think this is all related to how he grew up (with split parents and a nasty SD) whereas my family was/is very close and supportive.
Help - what do I do about this?

My and my husband put a DVD on on Sun morning and then sneak back to bed for a couple of hours. I don't think full-on playing from 8 am is required.

And as for 'Daddy's ignoring me', I find this an odd thing to say for a child and wonder if those who said he may have overheard you saying this are correct. If my child said it, as they sometimes do say negative things about us, I would point out that Daddy hadn't been ignoring you and all the things they had done together. It sounds very manipulative for a child to say 'Daddy doesn't care as he doesn't comfort me when I'm hurt' and I can only think he wants you to hear this. I would personally nip it in the bud rather than encourage a 'me and you against nasty old Daddy' mentality.

If your husband is with you all weekend, doing family activities, and is even reading the paper at home but just not wanting to play, then he's more hand-on than many parents, and if there's a continuing issue between him and your son, then you need to think how you can enable them to be closer, not drive a wedge in there by painting Daddy as unfeeling and uncaring.

As for skinned knees, my husband never picked ours up when they fell over, he made them get up afterwards, and only then come for a cuddle. I thought this barbaric, but they are tought little girls and adore their Daddy, so sometimes mums don't always know best.

What, no attempt to secure the coveted Name-Brand plasters, CoffeeDodger? I swear, one of my stupidest parenting moves ever was to buy DD (also 2) a packet of Winnie the Pooh band-aids. The number of completely imaginary knee injuries that resulted...

(But, yes, apart from that her reaction to injuries is like your daughter's)

Every parent needs a bit of quality time for themselves (and to spend with each other).

I don't think asking for some time to read the paper on a sunday is being unreasonable..........

Op you may have noticed that YABVVVU.

You sound very harsh about your opinions about your husband. This is not a who is best senario.

You sound like you are projecting your worries or bad opinions about your husband onto boy.

Also grazed knees. I would of been the same as your husband, a quick cuddle are you ok then a grow up attitude. (my boy is three and hardly cries and just gets on with things). I would never pack in a family day to pander to his wims. (unless it was a serious injury).

May be you need to chill out and give your husband some slack.

GIven that we both work full time and see our kids for 1 hour either end of the day

aww thats sad, even more so when the father begrudges the weekends as well

OK. I seem to have latched onto the reading the paper on a Sunday morning thing a little too much (but it was one part of the focus of DS rant last night).
I think this is all about the type of relationship DH is nurturing with DS. I feel that if I tell him that he may be making a mistake now that will have consequences later then I sound like I think I'm some type of parenting guru and must be obeyed. I'd love someone else to tell him, so he thinks its a professional opinion.
Who/where/how can I find such a person.
MIFLAW you are helpful, as having a male perspective on this is v useful.
I am beginning to think it is a bit of Mars/Venus split in terms of what is acceptable. My problem is that DH, unlike you, is not prepared to drop everything, unless it really is an emergency. Everything else, including involving himself in their play/distracting them from arguing over toys etc is to be ignored, whilst the paper reading is done. Its all a matter of priorities and some people's are different from others.

Jambo, you're simultaneously talking about different priorities and also finding an expert to tell your husband that he is parenting wrong. That is a huge thing to tell someone. My God, I can't even imagine. Are you taking on board at all that most of us think your husband's style isn't that bad, and certainly isn't as harmful as the clear discord between you, which your son is picking up on and playing off?

Just seen knee thing.

Sounds bloody mad.

I don't think I'd put up with that from my 3yo daughter, to be honest. I'm all for a quick cuddle and a bit of sympathy but if you're under 65 and able to walk after a fall, then you're able to run it off, in my opinion.

If my daughter was 6 and whinged about this I'd probably have suggested we go to the hospital and wait for three hours to get it seen to - that should prompt a rapid assessment of how much it really hurts.

Same with the bath - if you can't use a bath for what a bath's for (which includes washing cuts etc) then out you get and let's all stop wasting our time.

If I got a parenting guru to tell you that you were over controlling and a walk over mum, would you change your parenting? No?

See?

Sorry, it sounds like i'm changing my tune there.

If a child genuinely needs attention, I think it's a hard parent of either sex who doesn't provide it.

But wanting attention needs assessing on its merits, I think, and being bored for an hour or so (or "making your own entertainment" as my parents' generation euphemistically called it) has yet to kill a child of either sex.

Same with injuries - if a child is genuinely in pain, I think that that then becomes your focus till it's fixed.

For a scraped knee, a cuddle, a kissing better and a Mr Men plaster is what's required, then it's back to plan A.

Dandy - THis all started because DS had a bit of meltdown last night. Tears, sobbing etc etc over something trivial. It then turned into a heart to heart, first with DH and then with me. He told me that Daddy ignores him on a Sunday morning when he reads the papers (whilst I lie in). He also says that Daddy never believes him that he has injured himself.
Essentially, it seems to me, asking for more attention and a more sympathetic response from DH.
I tried to speak to DH about this last night, as I have done before. DH response is that he doesn't actually feel that he wants to spend all his time with the kids at weekends and that he wants DS to be tougher and needs to understand that he must do as he is told, without objection (i.e. when told that we need to go to supermarket etc).
I feel that DH imposes authority on DS too much. We have discussed this before, where I have said that I feel he is making DS scared of him and that it undermines DS confidence (which is a problem in certain areas). DH denies this and thinks I'm being ridiculous.
I feel that DH isn't treating him as a 6 yo, but as a grown up - on the basis that "he needs to learn these things, that's what life's like". I fear that may come as a result of his parents splitting up when he was 8yo and a difficult/distant relationship with his parents since.

I'm sorry but I don't think he's being unreasonable. I think it is a good thing for children to learn that they can't have adults attention all the time, and that it doesn't mean that your parents don't love you - it just means that they are busy.

Maybe he could be a bit more sympathetic, but I think you could do with being a bit less sympathetic too! Nobody is perfect, and since you say most of the time he is a very 'on' parent, I can't see that long term this is going to traumatise your DS.

My parents split when I was 4, and never got along after that. I'm very AP, very loving, and very emotionally intelligent. So no, you can't blame your husband's 'failings' on that.

If DS had a heart to heart with his Dad first, he must feel listened to or confident on some level, surely?

Ok coffeedodger how do I HELP him find the right way, without making it look like I'm right and he's wrong at this parenting lark.
If you'd had to calm down the boy I put to bed last night, you wouldn't think me a loon. Lots of kleenex required.

He went to daddy first when he was upset... (and dad did talk to him about it). That to me says that he knows daddy will listen to him when it's important - you are reading far too much into an emotional and it being the evening probably over tired little boy.

But you think that you are right and he is wrong! You keep talking about helping him improve. All of us are saying that possibly part of this is you. You don't seem to be taking this on board at all.

Why do they have to watch TV?

I sent them out of the living room, to do DS homework together. DS protested at having to move out of the living room, which is what started the upset. DH was there first because he was the one doing the homework with him. It was my proposal that they should the homework together (learning lines for school play) in order to give them some time together.
I suppose you'll all say I was interfering too much by doing that too !

Okay.

Your DS gets upset because he was told to do something he doesn't want to.
He talks to dad about it.
Presumably dad says "sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to."
Then goes to mum saying "dad doesn't listen to me"

Don't you think there is a possibility that your DS came to you and said that - not because he really believes that dad never listens, but because he wants you to give him the answer he wants "oh, alright then, you don't have to do X"?

6 is plenty old enough to have worked out how to push the buttons between mum and dad and get what you want.