To have had (another) little cry about my dd's lack of friends

[emkana]

She's very serious and very keen on doing well at school, and just doesn't fit in with the girls in her class. Its been really hard for her for the past year. Shes coming up to the end of year five. I don't know what to advise her other than to tough it out until she gets to secondary - not that it will necessarily get easier then.

Emkana

I was in your DD's position at age 9/10, almost to the letter (best friend who dropped me, became queen bee, too academic, etc).

What helped me, as I recall, was making friends instead with one or two of the quieter girls in the class - NOT as a group, but as individuals.

Is there anyone like that in your DD's class? Maybe someone who is a little bit out of place themselves? Perhaps one of the girls from the groups you've mentioned - who might be nicer if they are approached on their own (most children that age are nicer on their own...)

I moved my DD at 9 to a different school for very similar reasons.At the new school She had loads of friends.It gave her confidence a massive boost before going to secondary.

I moved schools going into year 6 and I don't think I would have gone to university had I not moved areas and schools.

There were some things that were difficult about it - class differences, suddenly became aware how my family didn't have a lot of middle class 'norms'. I thought spaghetti came from a tin...I could go on...but overall it was a positive thing. Even though the secondary school I went to was a big anonymous comp and a bit rubbish in lots of ways, I think I still did better than I would have done if I'd have stayed where I was. Different aspirations all around me.

DS1 has a similar situation. I have resigned myself to the fact that sometimes you just dont meet children you click with or manage to bond with in your class, and not all children have a "special" friend. It is tough, but nothing we can do about it. Let her play with the younger kids. My son do. Otherwise he would be totally alone at playtime.

Right am going to look around other school on Friday, just to get a feel for it.

Good move Emkana. I well remember a girl who joned my class in the last year of primary...she fitted in like a glove and we were very good friends.

I think there's every chance your DD could find a better fit in another school...

This thread makes me sad for you both. I had a bad time at school at this age, and am fearful of my dcs experiencing similar in the future. Kids can be so awful to each other and is hard not fitting in. The worst times were breaks, lunches and "freeplay" type sessions (that the school think are fun). Trying to look nonchelant when time crawls by so slowly. My greatest fear is that my dcs wouldn't tell me what was happening (never really told my parents).

Think class or even school move would be good. A year is a long time, and it may be a big relief to escape. With respect to class size as an excuse for not moving dd, surely there is a child in the other class who could be moved to dd's class? Maybe someone in a similar situation, or who could do with a mobe for whatever reason. The school shouldn't hide behind "the rules" in cases like this where a dc is in a bad situation.

Is good that dd is talking about it to you. Hope she will meet lovely friends sometime soon.

Good for you, Emkana.

I have two particularly telling school photographs of my DD taken by the same photographer.
One was taken in Y5 at the old school. She has a tight, forced smile and sad eyes. She looks quite haggard.
The other is taken in Y6 at a new school. She has a huge smile, sparkling eyes and is just radiating happiness.
The contrast is devastating.

Does it have to be a girl? Isn't there a softer sensitive intelligent mature boy in the class? There's always one isn't there? Someonefrom the orchestra?

I feel for you and her. I got caught in a queen bee triangle, fighting to keep my best friend when a brattish girl decided to exclude me after they had shared a room on a skiing trip i couldn't afford to go on. It was heart breaking.

Horrible thing was, she got in touch through facebook 22 years later - only to ask not about me, but about my old best friend, who she had lost touch with!

I felt like my heart was going to break again!

Hope it all works out. I think it will balance out more in secondary.

How was your visit to the other school, emkana?

Emkana, you say that there are 2 other classes in her year. But they do not mix ? O.k. so, there MUST be a similar girl, to your dd, in that year somwhere. somewhere. bright, loyal. no silly nonsense. no, i'm your friend one day, not the next nonsense.
They must be another girl like this, in the year. You just haven't found her yet.
My ds1's year they have 2 classes of 30. and they mix them up every few years, based on the year in particular and what the school thinks needs mixing.
But one mum was very unhappy. and she spoke to a teacher. about her daughter, not dissimilar to yours. nothing. got nowhere. spoke to another. nothing. then she spoke to deputy head. Dep head found that girl for that mums dd. and they have been friends ever since. even though they are in different classes.
You just need to find someone to help you 'match' your dd.

Agree with zombie. adapting your behaviour, is not the same as changing your personality. I'm not the same in church, as work, as one one of my png's hen night. I am different. But I am stil me.

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absolutely disagree Zombieplan and Journey

Trying to change who you are to fit in, can lead to all sorts of dificulties and mental health problems. I know from experience.

Now in my thirties I realise I am bookish, introvert and do find social interactions and making friends difficult. I am not blaming others or suggesting they are wrong or should change. But actually accepting this about myself and finding coping strategies has led to some really nice friendships and finally happiness and peace with myself.

Popularity is a double edged sword although I appreciate it is difficult for 9 year old girls to see that. The OP dd is obviously upset about it, but she will find friends if she is a nice girl, which it sounds like she is. She is also very bright, which can be a double-edged sword also.

Absolutely don't encourage your dd to aspire to an image she isn't comfortable with and certainly don't suggest it may be her that is the problem, that she just needs to work harder to fit in.

The 'popular' ones often carry their own burdens and don't always develop into confident individuals. If I had had parents who indeed supported me lovingly (as you are OP) and encouraged me to be myself and accepting of who I am, it may not have taken 32 years to reach the inner peace I have now.

address, what are your coping strategies and how long did it take you to find them ?

Thanks for asking. Just had a quick look around the other school on my own today - looks fine. Also had a chat with dd's teacher again today, and she said it's worth asking the head about changing classes, so that's what I will do next week.

I do appreciate what you're saying about expressing different aspects of your personality in different settings - I do it, too. The key is, though, that you and I will still enjoy those parts of ourselves and those interactions. For dd there is no group in her class at the moment with which she can enjoy interacting, nothing really fits. But it's not her being difficult, because outside school she finds it quite easy to get along with other children and to make friends.

And no, there is no boy of that variety in the class either.