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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have had (another) little cry about my dd's lack of friends

117 replies

emkana · 12/06/2011 21:45

She's very serious and very keen on doing well at school, and just doesn't fit in with the girls in her class. Its been really hard for her for the past year. Shes coming up to the end of year five. I don't know what to advise her other than to tough it out until she gets to secondary - not that it will necessarily get easier then.

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 12/06/2011 23:18

We've had those girls round, hasn't changed a thing.

Trying to get into any of these groups means being sidelined and ignored, how can I expect her to keep doing that? She has tried.

So I'm reluctant to discourage her from playing with reception, at least she feels wanted there!

I have said to her about taking a book out.

OP posts:

MumblingRagDoll · 12/06/2011 23:20

Oh bugger them! Horrid madams! What have school said/done? exclusion is bullying....are there no unch time clubs? Could you begin one? Art or something?

If you are in Cheshire I and my DD would be MORE than happy to meet up.....your DD sounds lovely and like a very nice girl...those others are possible threatned by her. Could it be worth changing schools?

worraliberty · 12/06/2011 23:21

So apart from 3 girls who she does want to play with, but they don't want to play with her...the rest is her choice? I mean your DD doesn't want to play with others?

Original poster

emkana · 12/06/2011 23:23

Thank you, unfortunately not in Cheshire!

We've talked about changing schools, but she is reluctant ecause there are aspects of the school she really likes.

I think I will go and see the learning mentor. Have talked to the teacher before, not really interested.

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 12/06/2011 23:24

No no, she would play with them, but they blank her.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 12/06/2011 23:30

Read your post at 22:43:43 OP...it seems your DD is the fussy one here (just going from what you yourself said)

chopchopbusybusy · 12/06/2011 23:32

Have you had a chat with her teacher? That really seems like the best option from what you have said.
It is very likely to be a short lived situation. I know that sounds shit, but I've been there with both DDs - and more than once with each - it works out in the end - they do all have friends. I was a complete social misfit at school - was probably helpful when it came to thinking about DDs friendships.

Original poster

emkana · 12/06/2011 23:33

Well okay, it's a bit of both - they wnt include her but also she doesn't share their interests. So what advice would you give her, worra?

OP posts:

Ripeberry · 12/06/2011 23:39

Being 'popular' is not everything. She needs to learn how to like herself first, the rest will follow. Most people only have one or two 'real' friends all their lives.
The rest are just hangers on and like dust in the wind.
She needs to find her 'anchor' and be a rock!

MumblingRagDoll · 12/06/2011 23:42

It sounds like she doesn't yet know (or like me never will!) how to "Play by girls rules"

The little rituals of friendship which little girls thrive on, quite possibly seem trite to her....in my area there is a group which meets once a month for gifted kids...they play and socialise...discuss topics they like and go on trips....I got the local group details from NAGC website....is DD G&T?

Original poster

emkana · 12/06/2011 23:46

No, even though I wonder sometimes if she should be - but that's a wgphole other thread!

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Yukana · 12/06/2011 23:49

If your DD doesn't get along well with the other children, it might be for a variety of reasons. The other children could've formed circles of friends that she just doesn't feel like she'd fit into, or perhaps the other children wouldn't allow her comfortably within that 'circle' anyway. If she's bright or mature as an example, she may find getting along with her peers difficult as their behavior may seem offensive, too immature for her to want a friendship, etc. There's no rule that says children have to get along, and sadly the more non-conforming, very kind, bright and mature children tend to feel left out.

MumblingRagDoll · 12/06/2011 23:51

Well have a look at NAGC here and they have a phone helpline....very good advice even if your DD is not on a G&T register...they know kids can slip through the net...they may be able to help you find a group locally where DD can meet similar kids...

Original poster

emkana · 12/06/2011 23:51

And that sums dd up to a t... Isn't it ironic that what makes her a great person in her family's eyes is what makes her excluded amongst her peers.

OP posts:

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/06/2011 23:54

Teach her how to kick a ball and send her over to the footie lads to play, they will take anyone to play in defence and are usually quite impressed with a girl whos not really even half decent. Lads are much more accepting.

I speak from experience, i never got on with the girls at infants, but i have the same group of friends from infants to having as best man (yes Im female but he is my best mate so i had a best man:) They were and are all boys, i love them dearly :)

kiwimumof2boys · 13/06/2011 00:03

Does it bother your DD though ? from what i can gather you've had a few conversations, but is she upset by it ?
I remember what it was like - Bl**dy girls !

Original poster

emkana · 13/06/2011 00:04

Yes she has regular cries about it.

OP posts:

MumblingRagDoll · 13/06/2011 00:05

The OPs DD finds playtime unbearable.

MumblingRagDoll · 13/06/2011 00:07

Listen emkana...ths must be SO hard....have you thought about lunchtime clubs?

Yukana · 13/06/2011 00:11

Sounds like me back when I was at school. :( I'm sorry your DD is having a hard time.

Is there a hobby she can engage in during breaktime/lunchtimes to make things easier? I often indulged myself in books, listening or creating music during early secondary school. As for middle school, it was mainly playing in the school field, making dens, etc.

As she moves forward through school there will be individuals here and there who realise what a great person your DD is, and she will gain close friends this way. Looking back when I was in a similar situation, I think the friendships I formed through being myself and moving forward felt stronger than the friendships of the girls who would pick on each other.

Original poster

emkana · 13/06/2011 00:12

Will have to look into that, not sure if they do those.

OP posts:

Bellbell · 13/06/2011 00:21

I think it's really important to have friends outside of school, especially when you get to secondary school, which can be a bit of a brutal experience. I would try the national youth movement The Woodcraft Folk (they have a website www.woodcraft.org.uk to find a local branch). It's like an alternative to scouts and brownies. I was in it when I was young, I went to quite a tough school where I didn't really fit in but at Woodcraft it was so liberating to just be myself. It starts at age 7 and runs to 21 (after 16 you run the groups yourselves). Also my neighbour has 3 kids who have been to something called Forest School Camp - more for when your dd is older as it's 2 weeks away somewhere. It doesn't meet weekly like Woodcraft but she says her kids love it, again the liberating aspect of not being pigeonholed by who you are at school, and what clique you're in / not in. I had a wonderful social life growing up as a teenager, and meeting kids from all over the country. Tbh I was disappointed when I got to university as it wasn't as fun! I still keep in touch with some of my friends from Woodcraft, a lot of them doing interesting things.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your dd at all. She may just be unlucky with her class at school. Also being a bit serious is ok. What's not ok is being made to feel unliked, unpopular.... I would definitely try to open up other social avenues for her outside of school and if something works it'll take on it's own momentum.

unitarian · 13/06/2011 01:17

I could have written your post when my DD was in Y5.

Then there came the day when she refused to go to school and all her unhappiness came out. I knew this was coming but she had kept it all bottled up and had refused to consider changing school - until then. Brownies was actually making things worse because the same girls were there too.

I arranged to visit a nearby school, she agreed to the change and had a supremely happy Y6 at the new school and was too busy for Brownies. She continued happily through secondary school where friendships are completely different anyway.

Either engineer a change of school now or stick it out until secondary school - but it will pass, and she will find like-minded friends - especially when streaming kicks in at secondary school and there are more clubs for her to join.

With luck, your DD will never have to associate with those girls again.

MumblingRagDoll · 13/06/2011 01:20

Great to hear that unitarian! I agree...it ALL changes in secondary!

Spuddybean · 13/06/2011 04:16

Sounds like me at school. I have never played by girls rules and as an only child got used to entertaining myself. I hate to say it but i found secondary school even worse (it was a very unpleasant girls school).
I am even now considered cold and aloof by people - which i'm not at all once people know me.
I found i got on much better with males and even now all my friends are men. I also found sport really important as i could still be part of a team without the social politics of the cliques.
However, something i did recognise was this was all still my choice, i would rather have no friends than compromise or dumb down. I developed coping mechanisms and always carried a book for lunchtimes.
Good luck, i hope your dd finds the resolution she wants.

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