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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH thinks I am, but is this really the norm? TMI warning

102 replies

foolserrand · 09/06/2011 23:59

Ok, sorry in advance.

Dh spends an average of 20 minutes (up to one hour 5 mins!) pooping each time he goes to the loo. He refuses to "push" and the one time he did, he gave himself a hemorrhoid (sp?)

He argues this is a normal length of time for men to spend in the john, but I question that. Neither my father or brother ever took that long!

So, aibu to ask him to hurry the fuck up?

OP posts:

juicyfruitqueen · 10/06/2011 00:37

Yes Bogeyface, freaky. But I am just used to his ways now.

We have gone out without him, or eaten supper, or whatever, without him if his toileting needs overtake our social life.

He is very at ease with his routine, so we can joke about it, so its not a problem, iykwim???

SlobbyBOB · 10/06/2011 00:38

Mags, books or a laptop . Food never.

Shelscrape has it right btw.

Mumcentreplus · 10/06/2011 00:39

I think he's scared he might get the grapes again...my DH doesn't like to exert himself either...and piles run in his family...he has the muscle we all do otherwise poo would just fall out without our consent...but I think he might be worried about having a shit in general ...you can talk to him about it though...who else would?

Original poster

foolserrand · 10/06/2011 00:41

juicy this whole post has stemmed from my dh's inability to joke about it and there being only one loo in the house. It was his suggestion to post on here.

I may need to namechange after this for the shame.

OP posts:

DogsBestFriend · 10/06/2011 00:42

I can't quite see what keeping a DC away from the family dogs has to do with your DH pooing. Am I missing something?

Disclaimer: I may be able to talk sensibly about dogs and dogs with DC but I have no advice on the pooing.

juicyfruitqueen · 10/06/2011 00:43

Maybe just leave him be, no comment, or otherwise? It really is a private matter, and unless he is asking you for your input, don't interfere.

Maybe look at getting another loo?

piprabbit · 10/06/2011 00:44

foolserrand, if you need a break then can I suggest that you also perfect the art of extended pooing?

When things get too much, retire to the loo with a good book and spend as long as you need behind the locked door.

(n.b. make sure you get to the loo before your DH - sitting in someone else's fug is not nice).

juicyfruitqueen · 10/06/2011 00:47

So, sorry for getting it wrong, but if its his suggestion to post here, then maybe he is unhappy with his pooping situation, and therefore, he should take charge of this himself.

Being afraid to strain, due to the risk of piles, is very common. However, spending more than 5 minutes sitting on the loo also encourages piles. Poor man needs the attention of an informed clinician.

CheerfulYank · 10/06/2011 00:48

My DH takes awhile, but he has irritable bowel. So.

Mumcentreplus · 10/06/2011 00:49

I think OPs DH spends so much time in the loo that she has to separate dogs and children alone..he could help if he wasn't hugging the toilet with his arse.

Original poster

foolserrand · 10/06/2011 00:50

dogsbestfriend (i loved your name change thread, by the way!) I have 2 beautifully trained but hyper rotties and a 2 yr old. they get excited when daddy comes home and have no release when he runs straight to the loo. It's a case of tails and stumps flying everywhere.

OP posts:

ChunkyPickle · 10/06/2011 00:53

goodness.. when my dp took to playing with his gameboy on the loo for 45 minutes he got piles.

We have a rule now where I give him a 20 minute warning :S

I can understand not wanting to strain, but if you're there for an hour, perhaps you weren't ready to go in the first place?

thumbwitch · 10/06/2011 00:54

foolserrand - he needs to stop mucking around. That's too long and he needs to start using his muscles properly. Selfish as well if it's the only loo in the house. Bertiebotts obviously has more than one loo in her house!

DH is allowed up to about 15minutes before I start jumping around because we only have one loo as well and DH takes to it usually at the time that DS (3.6) and I need to use it in the morning, most inconvenient! He can take longer at other times of the day but runs the risk of being constantly asked to get a move on if someone else is in need.

It sounds like he has a fear of pushing - I'm sure this is a recognised issue, but he needs to sort it out. My grandad had terrible troubles because he used senna daily to save himself from having constipation, and he was hospitalised (admittedly in his 70s) with problems - they told him he wasn't allowed to use the senna any more because his bowel had no muscle tone.

DogsBestFriend · 10/06/2011 01:05

I have a plan. Send your DH here to my house, where DD2 thinks that farting and toilet humour is hysterical (FGS she should know better, she's a teenager!) and move me in with your lovely Rotts. Job done! :o

That aside, distract the dogs with dinner/chews/favourite toys/play in the garden when DH is about to come home so that the poor little 'un isn;t knocked flying by mad Rotties? Get the dogs into the pattern of expecting that treat when they know DH is coming home so they focus on that and not his homecoming? Dunno, just a thought.

I know that one of my dogs in particular just knows when DD1 is due to arrive home from school (god knows just how!) and will be at the window 5 minutes before waiting, tail wagging, things flying off the coffee table as a result. The best way I've found to deal with his affectionate but over-exuberant welcome is to distract him in advance and train him to expect that distraction and not DD, so saving vases of lillies from taking a flying lesson.

I still can't help with pooing husbands though!

thumbwitch · 10/06/2011 01:09

just read the thing about the dogs and 2yo - I'd make him take the dogs in with him. that would speed him up a bit!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 10/06/2011 01:38

Is he too posh to push, foolserrand ? If so, just book him in for weekly surgical evacuation sans epidural at your local hospital or for regular colonic irrigation at your nearest spa. Job done (no pun intended).

Exactly Peanut plus I envisage little cameras in the bowl and attached to his y-fronts so that the results can be verified and/or appealed against - with running commentary 'coming into the final bend like a champion' etc.

lavenderbongo · 10/06/2011 01:54

He he - I started a thread about just this subject about a year ago. DH can spend 45min in the loo. I think he uses it as a bit of head space time as well although he does take his ipad with him as well :).
I think its a male thing. It annoys the hell out of me but then we have two bathroom I am not sure how I would cope if we only had one!

fridakahlo · 10/06/2011 03:32

My dh can spend ages in the "restroom" but the thing that really bugs me is how often his need to go coincides with trying to get two dc ready to leave the house!

wrongdecade · 10/06/2011 05:34

im still laughing at the timings

sounds like there is some issue though

sunnydelight · 10/06/2011 05:59

Lock the dogs in the toilet with him and tell him he can take all the time he needs!

DH has no strange toilet habits but DS2 comes in from school every day, announces he's off for his "afternoon poo" then locks himself in the loo for 20 minutes with his book. I think it's his way of saying "I need a bit of personal space now". Maybe I should ask him if he pushes or waits!

Original poster

foolserrand · 10/06/2011 08:10

Ugh. I am far too easily led after a drink bottle.

Dh times it, nobody knows why. Eventually I'll shout ask him nicely to hurry up and get a smug "but I've only been 40 minutes" What?! Only?

I would love to lock the dogs in there with him, but they are too big for the room. Poor things will have to suffer being loved by ds. Just to clarify, its ds who gets excited by daddy's return and he runs into them.

Lavender what was the outcome of your thread?

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 10/06/2011 08:31

Put him in lithotomy and suggest an anal episiotomy.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 10/06/2011 08:40

Am I missing something? If he doesn't push what does he do, meditate?

It's far too early for a thread this disgusting but it's strangely compelling all the same ....

Meow75 · 10/06/2011 08:42

Um, I'm female, and I do this. Not usually for an hour - 40 mins, perhaps.

TBH, it's mainly Lazyitis for me - if I get off the bog, I'll have to go and do something useful or if I take my iPad or phone, I can just tit about with the justification of "I'm on the TOILET, you know!!!" if anyone complains!!!!

cantspel · 10/06/2011 08:48

I know some women are controlling but wanting control of how, when and for how long your husband poops is taking it a bit too far.

Leave the man to poo in peace.

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